My wife told my best friend

[Lynnmorgan451]

I just found out by looking at her phone and seeing a text conversation about ME that she was having with my friend who did not know and I was NOT ready to tell. I'm not sure how I feel about this....I mean on one hand, I'm relieved, sorta, that one more person in my life knows....but on the other hand, she didn't even Tell me, I found out, and apparently he knew the last time he came over to jam (we're in a band) and they've been keeping this a secret for a week! I feel......weird :eek:

[TeresaL]

Unfortunately, we can't control those who know from passing our old secret on and on and on. Within a day after my cover was blown, I was outed to over 20 people. My choice would've been not to tell, but it happens. Then, it was awful. Now, it is kind of nice, especially since this isn't going away. IF I go full-time, then I don't have to surprise these folks. I'm out. But I don't want to be tranny. Just "her." Being out defines me as tranny to those who know. Oh well.

[mikiSJ]

I feel......weird

I would also. I think you need to find out if there is an agenda that needs to be addressed.

[Lynnmorgan451]

Yeah....I'm wondering why it had to be a secret....I have a secret, granted, but why this secretly telling my best friend and then neither of them saying anything to me? It just makes me feel like they're making fun of me or PLOTTING, like you said, an agenda......as if I need more fear and insecurity right now!! Grrrrrrr.......

[Rhonda Ann]

That's not good, your wife should have talked to you first. I think it is time for you to talk to her and find out if there is an agenda. I would feel weird also, that puts you in a whole new world that you didn't ask for. That is one reason I keep mine as secret as I do. I know people I could tell and wouldn't think a thing about it, then you don't know when they may have a slip of the tongue and say something to someone that would be disastrous.

[kimdl93]

Evidently this isn't an issue with him. My advice is to talk with him directly and find out how he feels. Then talk to your wife only if you can control your emotions. She may have needed someone to talk with about your CDing, but it would have been nice to work it out with you first.

[Anne2345]

Honesty and trust is the only way this is going to have an opportunity to work. It was not your wife's place to tell your best friend without discussing it with you first. As for me, I have already come out to a number of friends. Having done so, and having created a support group in so doing, has been huge for me. But I did discuss these things with my wife. I have even encouraged her to talk to her friends that she trusts about me, if she so desires. SOs need an outlet, too, after all. Still, that she would tell your best friend without your consent, then for the both of them to keep it secret from you, that just doesn't seem right. Perhaps you should have a gentle, heart to heart talk with her addressing the matter, and divine both of your expectations as to how to proceed forward with all of this in relation to others.

[arbon]

On one hand once one person knows it takes a life of its own and spreads which can be a problem for the whole family, so it good for the both of you to talk about who is going to talk to who first.

On the other your wife probably needed someone she could talk to about it. My wife talked to several people about me, without talking to me first - she needed help to process what was going on. I did not swear her to secrecy - at that point though I was just grateful she had not killed me for what I was dragging her and my daughter into. Truth is it was not her problem to have to keep secret, and she was going to talk to whoever she felt she needed to.

[Leslie Langford]

Lynn, I see from your profile page that you are only 34 - a mere babe compared to many of us here.

Young people these days who have grown up with social media, instant messaging, youtube, and Skype etc. - never mind all those "in your face" talk shows like Maury - have a "tell all/share all" mentality that seems foreign and hard to fathom by us older gals here who still value their privacy.

Maybe your wife's sharing of what you thought was confidential information was nothing more than that, and with no particular ulterior motive or agenda attached. Only you can judge this - you know her best..

[Badtranny]

well you're transitioning right? You can't be closeted forever. ...but I would have a serious, and not at all friendly talk with my "friend" as I was showing him the door.

[Andy66]

On the one hand, remain calm and dont jump to conclusions... but on the other hand, keep your eyes open. Good luck.

[larry]

Sounds to me like you should have your boy clothes and your girl clothes that you really like in a couple suitcases.
"If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it probably is a duck"

[Amanda_P]

If he came over to jam with you and didn't say anything it might not be a problem for him. But you might want to find out who else she might have told.

[Rianna Humble]

If you are transsexual, and intending to do something about it, then you will not be able to keep it secret for long.

When you told your wife, did you actually ask her not to discuss it with anyone (or even just with this one friend)? If not, then there is no reason why you should be upset that she discussed it with a mutual friend.

Others have given quite plausible reasons why the friend may not have said anything.

[Lynnmorgan451]

Thank you all for the input! I am still a little weirded out by the fact that this happened, but I had a long conversation with my wife this evening and things seem cool. First, when I got home from school about 9pm I helped put the kids to bed and told her that I gotta study for a while tonight and need to get girly so I can concentrate. She was cool with it and gave me some time alone. I got girly and started homework :-)
About an hour later she came home with some friends who I am out to and they all hang out with me while I finished my homework. And everything was totally cool! Everyone there knew about "me" but I was never allowed to be "full me" in front of anyone before. I usually have to hide in the bedroom and change when people come over but this time she actually brought them home just to hang out. I am still a nervous wreck with low self asteem, but I feel a little better now. She was affectionate to me, too, which usually never happens when I'm girly. That particular friend wasn't here last night and I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet but I'm not angry. I really think he may just be cool with it. I think you guys are right. I hope. Ok back to sleep!!

[Lynnmorgan451]

If not, then there is no reason why you should be upset that she discussed it with a mutual friend.

Others have given quite plausible reasons why the friend may not have said anything.


The only real problem I have with it was the secrecy after the fact. I just felt like they were mutually attacking me by keeping it a secret. I encourage her to tell people but I would appreciate a heads up, before or after, but communicate!!