Girl problems

[Rebecca11]

So I have a very good girl friend who I want to come out to. She is very understanding. I believe she would not judge and would probably take me shopping if she knew. We have been friends for a while. My problem is that my SO found my texts to her. Nothing vulgar or even sexual in nature. My SO wants me to stop talking to her. I want very much to come out to my friend but now I'm being forced to break contact with her. What do I do?

[RenneB]

This is the delema that most of us face at one time or another. Come clean vs. stay in the closet. Most on this site will advise you to be honest... I say that's great if you can guarentee me the outcome is going to be okay. However, some stories like this end in tradegy when the SO goes balistic and hits you with the D word and you're out on your butt with nowhere to go and nowhere to stay...

If you can guarentee me that who ever I come out to won't tell my co-workers, boss or blab about it to a bazillion others, great. However, remember the only way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone.

On the textin' hey I text both male and females all the time. The SO doesn't care. I keep the chat 'coded' and no one every knows....

Not sure this is much help....

Renne.....

[MissTee]

You didn't say, but does your wife know about your dressing? Regardless, sounds like shes threatened. Are you willing to risk her trust in you by continuing?

[Rebecca11]

My wife does not know. I'm still trying to gauge how she would take it. I'm not willing to give up her trust but I want to try and help her understand that she is just a friend. As for telling a bunch of people about my dressing I don't think my friend would, but you never know. I just want to come out to someone close. I want someone that knows me to look at me in both boy mode and understand my girl mode too. Plus, until I do tell my wife I want someone to chat to about clothes and shopping. I have became big into salons and personal hygiene ie; shaving, nails, pedis, and manicures. I feel very alone with this right now and I just want someone who can understand me. I am very happy I found this forum. I count my blessings I found girls who do understand me. It kinda makes me teary thinking that you all are so understanding and supportive.

[GaleWarning]

If you have an SO then the answer is simple; no-one is more important than that person.
Drop the other "friendship".
It can only lead to hassles you neither want nor need.
Believe me! Been there and done that.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Never mind the coming out to the friend, what is this "I'm being forced to break contact with her" stuff? Is there some aspect you didn't mention? While I think it is somewhat improper to tell the friend before the SO, Her telling you to break off a friendship? Uh uh, not acceptable. If she has some reason to doubt your fidelity, that's one thing, if she doubts it without reason or evidence that's something you two have to discuss, but just break it off because of what might happen? Are you two married? If not, I'd be telling her no, deal with it, or leave.

Of course if there is something else you forgot to mention? Or have I got hold of the wrong end of the stick?

[Barbara Maria]

Hi,Rebecca.If you want to be fair to everyone involved,try this.Look inside yourself and ask yourself,if she had a particularly close male friend who she kept in close contact with and confided in,even though you knew there was no romantic or sexual side to it,would it bother you?Only you can answer that.I'm just saying try to see it from her point of view.If you love your SO and want things to work out with her,you may want to respect her wishes in this case,even if it seems unreasonable.Barbara

[Rachel Morley]

Sounds like your wife might be jealous of you texting another woman. Does you wife know your friend? Anyway, how do think your wife will feel if she finds out you've shared your most intimate secret with another woman before you shared it with her? I know there are potentially serious consequences if your wife hates the CDing but personally, I would never tell another woman, even if she was my best friend, a personal secret about me that my wife didn't know. In my world, my wife is the person that is always closer than anyone else is and so she would (in my world) be told first. It's your call, but that's my 2 cents.

[Rebecca11]

She is the most important person in my life. She is the one I need to tell first. I'm just afraid that my situation may turn out very badly. I would be concerned if she was confiding in another man. You are all right. I need to tell her. I guess I need to get down to seriously evaluating how she is going to take it. Stronger hints. Alright, no more girl friend stuff. My wife is too important. I'm willing to sacrifice a friendship for my real best friend, my wife. Ok....um...anymore advice on what kind of hints I should drop to gauge her feelings. She has a real naughty lingerie collection. Ill play one night with her and put some on. If she freaks I know she is not ready, ha ha.

[celeste26]

This is one of the reasons for telling potential spouses long before the wedding. Tell her before too long has past, it is a matter of respect for her. The "friend" can wait, tell her second or even third, just not first.

This is one of the commonest subjects on this forum so there is plenty to read and understand you are not the first to deal with this scenario so read as much as you can because there is a great deal of experience around this subject.

[Loni]

wife first and foremost in your life.
just let the friend know you have to curtail for now as the wife is upset you talking to another woman.
and talk to the wife let her know that she is the only woman in your life..at some point you are going to have to let the wife know about your interests.

as to when better sooner than latter.

but that is my thing
my wife could not handle it.

.

[Tracy Lynn]

I honestly think that you should not be "dropping hints", rather sit her down and talk to her. She deserves your honesty.

[Tracii G]

Do not be texting another woman no matter how innocent you think it is don't do it.Plus we don't know what relationship you have with the other woman.
IMO your wife has her doubts right now and thats not good for you.Trust may already be gone at this point.
Cut the GF right now is my suggestion or she may feel its right to give you a dose of your own medicine.
I went thru this with my two ex wives "Oh he is just a friend" turned out both ex's were nailing the guys in my home in my bed while I was out on the road working.
I went off like Howitzer on both of the BF's and they both hope they never see me again.
Once the trust is gone you are in deep kimchee.

[Lorileah]

So I have a very good girl friend who I want to come out to. .... My problem is that my SO found my texts to her.... What do I do?

I would say if you want your SO to stay your SO you stop texting the other woman....but that is just my thought. I try really hard to not sneak around behind the person I am dating's back. Neat concept huh?

[Rebecca11]

The other girl is out. That's for sure. You all are right. Now I need to gain my wife's trust back. Ill stop dropping hints and just sit down and think out what I'm going to say when I do tell my wife about my interests.

[Beverley Sims]

I would temper the temptation and pander to your wife's wishes for now.
Later on you may introduce her as a friend, but it appears insidious if you carry on two separate relationships.
No matter how innocent they may seem.
You share secrets with one person only.
I would try your wife in the first instance.

[Angela Campbell]

Being married and having a friend who is a woman will not mix well for most. If the friend is a friend of both of you and all communication is in the open with full knowlege of your spouse it is one thing but to have a relationship = even a platonic one- is a bad idea. Your SO will have a problem with that and it will not be good. Don't text her, don't call her and certainly do not see her without the SO being part of it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebecca, It sure sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place and
the rock is about kick your @$$ you know what you have to do now.

[Claire Cook]

Rebecca, We have a quorum of agreement. There have been numerous threads here about how to tell SO's and wives. If you're shaving and getting manicures and pedicures, she may already have a clue, or at least questions. Perhaps that is the place to start?

[kimdl93]

the problem here was a failure to be open about it with your SO. If I were her, I'd question the nature of your relationship with this "other woman".

[Stephanie Miller]

The votes are in - other "friend" is out.
As for hints.... forget the games. The wife deserves better. Treat her the way you would want to be treated. Be up front and honest. Suck it up. Sit down with her. Give her information for her to process and an outlet to share with other Gg's (this site). Without you giving her information she will look for answers elsewhere and find the wrong or perverse info abounding the web. Without other Gg's to talk with, she will feel trapped.

[Annaliese]

Come out to your wife first, if you come out to your friend first and the wife finds out, you are dead meat.

[faceless782]

Like everyone else is saying, I also recommend coming out to your wife first. Perhaps later you can explain the text messages to your friend and maybe pick that up again in the future.

[ReineD]

My wife does not know. I'm still trying to gauge how she would take it. I'm not willing to give up her trust but I want to try and help her understand that she is just a friend.

You are prepared to share with another woman, your deepest, most vulnerable secret before you even tell your wife. Don't do it. If your wife is angry just seeing you text another woman, think of how furious she will be when she finds out that you prefer to share an intimate part of who you are with someone who is not your wife.

I know the draw, BTW. I know that you want to have fun girly times with a BFF and it seems easier to tell a person that you don't live with than your wife.

So, here is what you do: Tell your wife and not the BFF. Go through the steps you need to go through to ease your wife into this. Hopefully she will be accepting and in a few years (or sooner), she and you can begin to do girly stuff together. In the meantime, introduce your wife to all of your friends, including the BFF. Hopefully your wife will get along with the BFF and they will become friends. And once all of this has happened (your wife is accepting and the BFF is also her friend), THEN you can share this with your BFF. BUT, always be sure to invite your wife along if you and the BFF plan on doing fun girly stuff together.

[I Am Paula]

I'll be the one that plays the other side of the coin. All my friends are women. My wife knows about them, has met some, knows I go out for coffee every morning, to lunch, shopping with them. What right would she have to tell me to drop a friendship due to them being female? Doesn't your wife have male friends? The CDing is another matter. The OT was about friendship. Jeolousy is an entirely self induced emotion. Tell her to grow up.-JMHO-Celeste

[Jenniferathome]

My wife does not know. ... I just want to come out to someone close. I want someone that knows me to look at me in both boy mode and understand my girl mode too. ...

Ok, so the obvious choice is telling your SO and NOT the friend. But you must realize that your SO probably thinks you are having an affair. I am incredulous that you would prefer to tell a friend such an intimate secret ahead of your SO, the one who has the right to know. You have to reset your priorities.

[Rebecca11]

I am working on what I am going to say to my wife. She is my everything. I guess it just seemed easier telling someone that I do not live with my secret. It is not that my wife does not have the right to know, it is that if my wife is not understanding then I'm out. Have no fear girls, I am not coming out to my friend first. You all have made it very clear what you all think. The other girl is out. I have reset my priorities now. I hope that I am strong enough to get through this. I have read several posts on other threads. I'll admit, I'm scared, however, if I want my dressing to stay a part of my life, and I want my wife involved then she has to know. I'll keep you all updated.

[Alison_Mathers]

Telling my wife was the best thing for me. I was terrified of telling her. I didn't want to ruin our marriage, but I felt that telling her would be a lot better than lying to her.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rebecca, please read the link in my signature.

It has a lot of valuable information which you should find very useful.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Being married and having a friend who is a woman will not mix well for most. If the friend is a friend of both of you and all communication is in the open with full knowlege of your spouse it is one thing but to have a relationship = even a platonic one- is a bad idea. Your SO will have a problem with that and it will not be good. Don't text her, don't call her and certainly do not see her without the SO being part of it.While I agree that your attitude is the common one, it is one I can't agree with for myself. My GF is in fairly constant contact online with a large number of people, of both sexes, one of them is an ex boyfriend! Does this bother me? Somewhat, the green eyed monster keeps raising his ugly head, but I beat him down. If i had to use one word to describe my GF, it is integrity. Could we split up? Possibly, as time goes on, the bond is getting stronger and deeper, and this becomes less likely. If it did happen though, she would tell me first. There is zero chance of me coming home and finding her in bed with someone else. The other night, I went out with a group from work, one of the guys was leaving, and an impromptu group formed, him, me, and 7 girls! Did she give me grief? Not a flicker. This aspect of our relationship is the most important to me. I tell her sometimes about discussions from this forum, and while having some interest, she displays no concern about who I'm talking to, or the subjects we discuss. Of course, she was the first person, ( and so far only ) that I have come out to.

[Angela Campbell]

While I agree that your attitude is the common one, it is one I can't agree with for myself. My GF is in fairly constant contact online with a large number of people, of both sexes, one of them is an ex boyfriend! Does this bother me? Somewhat, the green eyed monster keeps raising his ugly head, but I beat him down. If i had to use one word to describe my GF, it is integrity. Could we split up? Possibly, as time goes on, the bond is getting stronger and deeper, and this becomes less likely. If it did happen though, she would tell me first. There is zero chance of me coming home and finding her in bed with someone else. The other night, I went out with a group from work, one of the guys was leaving, and an impromptu group formed, him, me, and 7 girls! Did she give me grief? Not a flicker. This aspect of our relationship is the most important to me. I tell her sometimes about discussions from this forum, and while having some interest, she displays no concern about who I'm talking to, or the subjects we discuss. Of course, she was the first person, ( and so far only ) that I have come out to.

Please note that I said most...not all. You are lucky if this is your relationship. It is still not a good idea for most.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Please note that I said most...not all. You are lucky if this is your relationship. It is still not a good idea for most.Oh I am lucky, and i know it. :) I think most people should be seeking this level of trust in a relationship.

[Maslow's Mum]

n my world, my wife is the person that is always closer than anyone else is and so she would (in my world) be told first. It's your call, but that's my 2 cents.

DITTO!!!

[kimdl93]

its very difficut for me to accept the idea that you are big in salons, nais pedis and so oon, shave and sti unabe to talk to your wife about your CDing. Even more than when I first read your initial post, I am certain that you need to come out completelly to your wife Having this level of intimacy with another woman will jeopardize your relationship if it doesn't begin with your wife.

[Rebecca11]

I think something may have been misinterpreted. I don't do those things with the other woman. I have just been friends with her for a while. I have manicures and pedicures with my wife. My wife also knows about my shaving too. My wife loves all of that about me. My wife will know soon but I just have to pick the right time.

[Julogden]

Your wife trumps your friend, sorry to say. I suspect that you know that and are hoping that we'll say otherwise, but that isn't going to happen here. ;)

If you value your marriage, you know that you have to honor your wife's wishes.

Also, you need to let your wife know about your dressing before discussing it with anyone else, IMO.

Carol

[ReineD]

I guess it just seemed easier telling someone that I do not live with my secret.

The easy way out is seldom the right path to take. :hugs:

[Joanne f]

I am sorry but I do not quite understand how someone can come out to a friend like this before they say anything to their SO , it just does not seem right to me , maybe I am just old fashioned in that way .

[Greenie]

My BF told his sister in law before me. Even though when he turned to tell me he was surprised to find out that I was more accepting. But the fact that I was open minded to begin with, kind of fell under the tracks because he told someone else first and it hurt my feelings.

[Chickhe]

You SO has dibs on such things... If you tell someone else your inner secret first you will loose the trust of your SO. Personally, I don't think its a good idea to 'tell' anyone...but show them by incorporating it in to your life somehow. I do Halloween enfem so everyone remembers the fun and its not too much shock later on if I happen to be doing 'research' for my next costume.

[suchacutie]

No doubt about it: you MUST work this out with your SO first, and then you and SHE will both have to be ok with telling your female friend.

Wife first, everyone else second.

If that's not your direction, other problems will come to the fore soon.

[Emogene]

Rebecca, I spent quite a bit of time writing a response to your post only to discover that the other gals had all covered t subject and you had come to the only reasonable conclusion. Good luck, God Bless! I hope this works out well for both you and your "Friend Wife". True love is so hard to find and has to be cherished!

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Rebecca...

This is not advice but simply to share that this is how I came out to my girlfriend at about the two month mark. We were in her apartment talking about various things that two newly found love mates dare to discuss. I was going through her closet asking Hey, try this on, etc. I came across a white satin blouse and black skirt so I put them on and waltzed out of the closet (how literal) and asked what she thought. We just kind of went from there. Yes, awkward moments but it went okay. That was almost 19 years ago. She's been my wife for more than 13. Maybe you have a good idea there?


Ok....um...anymore advice on what kind of hints I should drop to gauge her feelings. She has a real naughty lingerie collection. Ill play one night with her and put some on. If she freaks I know she is not ready, ha ha.