A week of real progress

[Diane Meris]

So much has happened lately, especially this past week, that I'm not even sure where to begin. I will try to break the story up into manageable sized pieces so I don't become too boring. My wife and I have been dealing with my crossdressing for a number of years. I went through the typical stages of hiding it out of embarassment, thinking I could suppress it, guilt, etc. I didn't tell her before we married for those reasons (big mistake and totally unfair on my part IMHO. One of the few things I wish I could have a do over on). We had tried a couple of therapists over the years, somewhat unsuccessfully, and were living in a state of flux. I was still too embarrassed and ashamed to be open about my desires and she just wanted me to be honest with her (she has serious and valid trust issues but that is her tale to tell). With the help of another therapist(on my part) and a very rigid determination to not hide from the issue we are finally reaching some peace and understanding. She understands that my deception was not aimed at taking advantage and I have learned to put myself out there to her without fear of rejection. It has not been easy for either of us, but we do know that we care for each other and we will always be there for each other no matter what. That is the serious and important side of what has been happening for us, the fun side of it, such as shopping trips together will follow.

[celeste26]

Talking with someone you love should not be limited to therapy sessions, in fact the therapist really doesn't need to be there at all if you both can be honest and forgiving, (yeah hard to do at times.) You didn't tell us how many years and if there are kids involved also. But it will take awhile for the resentment and lack of trust to mellow out.

[Diane Meris]

The therapist has been for me for the most part. I basically needed an unbiased set of ears to help me work through my own self esteem and guilt issues to be confident enough to share this with my wife and not believe she would hate me. We have been married nearly 25 years. We have three adult children, one of whom is back home. She is the only one of the three who knows and she is pretty open and understanding about it. My wife's real issue is the trust. She had a bad history of men who let her down badly and my lack of confidence or faith to tell her about this just added one more to the list. She is understanding now that my deception was not aimed at her but rather at myself due to the aforementioned esteem and guilt issues. The biggest help has been being able to accept this, not be ashamed of it and to get on with life. Not that I wouldn't like to understand why I do this, but I feel I have spent too much energy and time agonizing about it to dedicate any more. My aim at this point is to explore it and let it become whatever part of my life it needs to become and to no longer hide, lie or hurt those I love. My wife has been really understanding and encouraging about this for a while now. She has bought me a dress and makeup, encouraged me to shop for things when we were out together and to take time to dress when I felt the need. I had been the one slow to get with the program. I would still reflexively revert to hiding or lying sometimes out of fear just like before. Last week I did it again but we were able to really break down barriers and talk it out and establish some real ground rules about openness and not hiding. I'll post threads about what I and we have done this past few days. It has been liberating, exciting and more than a little scary. She is going through what many of our wives have been put through, insecurity, fear, grief and wondering if I will eventually want to transition. I know I don't want to but as she said, we have no way to know what the future has in store. All I can do at this point is not let her down again, try to earn her trust back and just try to enjoy the ride.

[Beverley Sims]

Coming out can be a difficult time, all the home truths and deceptions over the years all mount up.
The longer it takes the harder it is.
I was lucky, it all happened before I was married.

[Diane Meris]

It should have for me also if I had been both brave and fair.

[Cheryl James]

Your story could be my story except it seems that you are further along toward a, hopefully, positive outcome. My marriage, unfortunately, is a sham due to the CD issue. I am not sure what the resolution will be, but the prognosis seems better for you. Good luck.

[Brynna M]

It's nice to see a thread where comming out is hard but it's working.... It seems like(from post here) most of the time it is either SO is ok or a total disaster. It gives me, as I'm still working on this, hope that things can move forward positively even if it is hard.

Thanks