MandyTS
12-13-2005, 09:36 AM
Good morning girls,
Today I had a very big revelation that is going to change my life, and it is because of counciling that this is happening. It hit me eating dinner last night at a local resturant as Mandy. That night I had been called Sr. about 10 times and not one miss and I still thought I looked quite passable. The theme song from Home Alone was playing, "Man of the House" how approprate. I looked back on the movie and felt like Kevin, trapped in my own world, for once free, doing what I want, going out and shopping (hopefully not stealing though :lol: ) basically discovering who I really am.
I recieved a phonecall from this girl, she is the daughter of a person I used to work with and deep inside I feel some attraction to her, we share so many things alike it is increadable. I then began to really think who I was inside and how I define my gender. I can tell you stories for days (wait for the book) about mixed activities when young. I loved playing house and with dolls with the girls, and yet I loved digging and playing with trucks and army, etc. Through societies training the feminine side was drawn out of me, but remained part of my core values.
I was never a person for the ultra feminine things like pantyhose, bras. i never identified (and still don't) as a crossdresser, although society may think of me that way. On the flip side I don't like the "ultra masculine" things such as tuxs. I am really in the center of the gender spectra when it comes to clothing, and I would just as well like to wear a skirt with a shirt as a pair of slack and a dress shirt. Likewise I see nothing wrong with wearing a skirt witha dress shirt for example.
My brain is wired mostly female but it has male influences. I am very collaborative yet am a natural leader, therefore I generally work better with girls that with guys on most respects. I am very emotional, will cry at a movie and can not hold emotions back. When I try to hold these feels back they gush out at the most unopportune times (like graduation). I am a natural speech writer yet I am not assertive, very passave and non agressive. I am a natural musician, I play several instruments are a deemed the hardest to play in the orchastra, and am playing first chair after 5 - 6 months on the instrument.
I enjoy the feminine things in life, going to a chick flick, getting my nails done, wearing makeup, getting my hair done, waxing eyebrows, clothing shopping, crocheting, sowing, etc. I also enjoy many of the masculine things in life, going to a baseball game, playing softball and baseball with the boys, racing, driving fast, the action movies, sci fi, etc. I also like to cook, clean, be romantic, etc. The big turning point was when my therapist said that there activities are not linked to being male or female, they are part of your personality.
Last week I had my hair done for the first time in a decidily feminine fassion. I said good buy to the old hair and hello to pretty feminine style. The second night I could do nothing with my hair, and I just tried to comb it back the other way (the boy way). It emotionally was devistated, I had lost a new part of my self I had found.
I can not live as a male or a female. I can not switch roles like a spring, back and forth, that hurts too much. The real me is somewhere in the middle, not a boy or not a girl. In some respects I am part Mandy and part Michael, although I would perfer to be Mandy most of the time. I feel just as wrong being Mandy though only as Michael, I loose part of me deep inside when I choose. There are too many comprimises to make either way and I can not make the decision either way. In that respects for me to transistion either way would be the wrong thing to do. Unfortunitly society makes no room for a third gender... oh well.
Basically there is a safezone out there for me to be in. More than likely it is something related to hormonally being a male with a little bit of estrogen mixed in for comfort, apearance wise being something of a "*******" although not of that designation, feminine hair, soft skin, hairless body, etc. Only though therapy can I find that point in my life... we will see where that lies. I am transistioning, but the place that I end up will be somewhere where I am comfortable and happy, not inbetween.
Legal name change to Mandy... maybe... still deciding that one.
Mandy
Today I had a very big revelation that is going to change my life, and it is because of counciling that this is happening. It hit me eating dinner last night at a local resturant as Mandy. That night I had been called Sr. about 10 times and not one miss and I still thought I looked quite passable. The theme song from Home Alone was playing, "Man of the House" how approprate. I looked back on the movie and felt like Kevin, trapped in my own world, for once free, doing what I want, going out and shopping (hopefully not stealing though :lol: ) basically discovering who I really am.
I recieved a phonecall from this girl, she is the daughter of a person I used to work with and deep inside I feel some attraction to her, we share so many things alike it is increadable. I then began to really think who I was inside and how I define my gender. I can tell you stories for days (wait for the book) about mixed activities when young. I loved playing house and with dolls with the girls, and yet I loved digging and playing with trucks and army, etc. Through societies training the feminine side was drawn out of me, but remained part of my core values.
I was never a person for the ultra feminine things like pantyhose, bras. i never identified (and still don't) as a crossdresser, although society may think of me that way. On the flip side I don't like the "ultra masculine" things such as tuxs. I am really in the center of the gender spectra when it comes to clothing, and I would just as well like to wear a skirt with a shirt as a pair of slack and a dress shirt. Likewise I see nothing wrong with wearing a skirt witha dress shirt for example.
My brain is wired mostly female but it has male influences. I am very collaborative yet am a natural leader, therefore I generally work better with girls that with guys on most respects. I am very emotional, will cry at a movie and can not hold emotions back. When I try to hold these feels back they gush out at the most unopportune times (like graduation). I am a natural speech writer yet I am not assertive, very passave and non agressive. I am a natural musician, I play several instruments are a deemed the hardest to play in the orchastra, and am playing first chair after 5 - 6 months on the instrument.
I enjoy the feminine things in life, going to a chick flick, getting my nails done, wearing makeup, getting my hair done, waxing eyebrows, clothing shopping, crocheting, sowing, etc. I also enjoy many of the masculine things in life, going to a baseball game, playing softball and baseball with the boys, racing, driving fast, the action movies, sci fi, etc. I also like to cook, clean, be romantic, etc. The big turning point was when my therapist said that there activities are not linked to being male or female, they are part of your personality.
Last week I had my hair done for the first time in a decidily feminine fassion. I said good buy to the old hair and hello to pretty feminine style. The second night I could do nothing with my hair, and I just tried to comb it back the other way (the boy way). It emotionally was devistated, I had lost a new part of my self I had found.
I can not live as a male or a female. I can not switch roles like a spring, back and forth, that hurts too much. The real me is somewhere in the middle, not a boy or not a girl. In some respects I am part Mandy and part Michael, although I would perfer to be Mandy most of the time. I feel just as wrong being Mandy though only as Michael, I loose part of me deep inside when I choose. There are too many comprimises to make either way and I can not make the decision either way. In that respects for me to transistion either way would be the wrong thing to do. Unfortunitly society makes no room for a third gender... oh well.
Basically there is a safezone out there for me to be in. More than likely it is something related to hormonally being a male with a little bit of estrogen mixed in for comfort, apearance wise being something of a "*******" although not of that designation, feminine hair, soft skin, hairless body, etc. Only though therapy can I find that point in my life... we will see where that lies. I am transistioning, but the place that I end up will be somewhere where I am comfortable and happy, not inbetween.
Legal name change to Mandy... maybe... still deciding that one.
Mandy