How does one know?

[goofus]

I'm sure this question has been asked on this forum a zillion times, but how does one know for sure if they are TS? Is it possible to know for sure? How did you all know?

[DaniG]

I'm unusual in that I never cross dressed until long after I realized my TG nature. It all started one day when I was online with someone very queer saavy, and this person said to me, "You know, you really should transition!" "I don't think so!" I responded. I'd been in denial all my life. It forced me to examine my life, and I saw all the strange behaviors I'd wondered about, but never allowed myself to question too far. I'll spare you the details unless you want to know. I got myself into therapy right away.

But over time I had doubts, and I've had them consistently. Every other day or so I stop and think, "Wait, this must be some kind of weird dream. I can't really be a woman." And then I go over all the evidence in my mind until I conclude, "Yup, I'm totally female. It's real."

Every six weeks or so it seems I've had more serious doubts, and each time my TG has been confirmed. The first was when my therapist wouldn't lend her opinion on my diagnosis. She wanted me to come to my own conclusion. One day I came in so troubled by these doubts that she gave me two very good reasons why she thinks I'm genuinely TG. The most recent was when I visited a M2F post-op physician. I was looking for a particular diagnosis that would bolster my TG condition, ie give me a symbolic reason for my nature. She cleared me of this condition, but at the same time pegged my personality so profoundly like some mystic guru that I literally cried after the visit. I got the confirmation I was seeking in spades.

Will I have more doubt? Probably. But the doubt thins at every cycle. If/when I start HRT, that'll confirm it further.

The truth is that there's no certificate for TS. There are no objective criteria. There's no magic scroll lower from Heaven. Each person's journey is individual. If you're not sure, then you need to get yourself to a therapist and begin exploring the possibility in patient reflection. In the end it's a matter of your judgement and faith.

Good luck!

[arbon]

Some people will say they have always known for sure. Some like me, well I was always confused by the gender stuff going on with me but I had a hard time getting my mind around the idea I was transsexual, that I was really a woman. But it got to a point where I was so miserable and hated being a guy so much I had to take a chance and move down the road of transition. The more I got to experience feeling feminine and some female identity being reflected back to me the more right it all felt. Apart from all the other issues that come with transitioning - inside I know living as a woman I am more at peace with myself, that part of my life has finally gotten to a point of feeling right. Which means I am pretty sure at this point that I am transsexual.

[Julie Hall]

I also wonder about knowing. I can not say with any kind of absolute certainty, but I do know I like myself more since I started down my journey. As arbon said it feels right and I am more at peace with myself. At the beginning I thought it was a reaction to an overwhelming loss in my life, but through introspection and therapy I have come to the understanding that this has been with me for most of my life.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Apart from a few details .

I knew with in 10 years of my life, what i was , never a dought did not even have to think about it, it was imprinted in my mind from conception. plus other details .
I just knew, i did not need any one to tell me or discuse any matters concerning myself from then till now , & thats over 65 years,

I realise not every one knows themselfs, many i know have met seem to me to be very confused, something i can not understand , for myself there is absoutly nothing that can change what i am , nothing, to be so sure of your self it has to be part of you its inbuilt your born with a certinty of your self ,

I know i have disabilitys learning issues & other details & some lack's that have hindererd me through my life, yet nothing stoped myself from knowing who i was / am,

...noeleena...

[KellyJameson]

That was the single most difficult question for me to answer.

For me it was learning what my inner struggles meant and signified.

There was a conflict I carried inside my mind where it was almost like I was trying to kill this person inside me but in essence I was trying to kill "everything about me" because this thing was everything and touched everything but I could never exactly point to it but it was always driving my behavior and way of "experiencing"

It was very real but hidden and invisible and I could not watch this other person as me but always felt its presence. It was like being possessed or haunted and you want to push this person out of you so that you can be "normal"

I realized what I was trying to kill was actually all the behavior from childhood into adulthood to stop me from being "me" and become the opposite of me because I was told I was one thing when actually I was the opposite so you suppress, bury or hide this opposite.

You feel a profound inner conflict between who you are and how you are trying to live.

You feel suffocated, choked off , incongruent, out of step, discordant and out of sync with everything but in a very soft way that is difficult to put your finger on so you feel it but cannot exactly articulate it.

It is constantly pointed out to you without ever being exactly defined so you know you are "wrong" without understanding why.

Something is always slightly off or does not make sense and you notice that your brain,mind, feelings, emotions and all that stuff that goes into making you, all those little pieces and nuances always seems to be found in women but rarely if ever in another man.

You "get" women but men are somewhat of a mystery and even in childhood you could not "get" boys even when you played with them. You sense they are somehow different from you.

People are often puzzled or angered because they sense one thing but see another and you see this conflict pass across their face and once again you are reminded of your "weirdness"

It is like an energy that runs through you that you do not find running through other men.

You vibrate with it and only feel this similar vibration with women, not all but some.

They are kindred spirits but they do not think so because they do not see it and are usually confused by what they see versus what they feel so they experience mixed messages.

The whole world experiences you as mixed messages between the inner and the outer.

It leaves you with a sense of failure even if you are successful.

There is always a discontent and inexplicable unhappiness that never fully goes away.

A type of perpetual sadness as if someone has died that you love but you do not know who this person was because it was you.

[Kathryn Martin]

Hi Goofus,

Even though the words are widely used, you cannot "be TS". You have transsexualism or transsexuality as a condition. Transsexualism is a congenital condition. It is not something that you become.

It is possible to know for sure if you have this condition. It can be diagnosed by a qualified health care professional. There are clear diagnostic criteria that must be met before such a diagnosis is made. It is treated with intake of cross-sex hormones and through surgery commonly referred to as a sex change operation.

Like Arbon and also Kelly says there are early symptoms that occur. These are often not realized by parents unless there is a very strong aversion the child's own body by the child. It is not uncommon for children suffering from transsexuality to self injure or mutilate during onset of puberty. According to fairly well founded research (see Milton Diamond and others) for those children the sex of the brain differs from the sex of the body. Depending on the intensity of how this difference is experienced the need to transition, that is, bring brain and body into harmony or congruence, will take place earlier or later, but it is always present even in those that transition later.

For most persons that suffer from transsexuality "dressing" provides little or no relief to their problem. Transsexuality is not about "expressing yourself" but rather about this dis-harmony between brain and body.

I knew I was a girl by the age of nine. I became aware that I was suffering from transsexuality much later. I was diagnosed as suffering from this condition by a health care professional.

[Angela Campbell]

For me it is not so much how do I know, I have always known, it is more what do I do about it.

[groove67]

In my case i guess since i was seven years old i knew i was different. I always enjoyed being with girls and not for the reason that most young guys would. I enjoyed dressing all my life and started coming out doing it 25 years later and then realized that was not the answer to my inner feelings and then finally started my journey and i know now that was what i always wanted. Now that i am 24/7 never been so happy and enjoy every second of my life.

[Marleena]

Like the others have said the clues are there as a child. For me it was the feeling of not fitting in anywhere, being on the ouside looking in, I didn't know why. Any attempts by me to act, dress, or play with the girls was shamed out of me. Gender dysphoria peaked in my twenties and I wanted to transition then but couldn't find help. I gave up on the idea and did the guy thing burying it all until it hit me again in my late fifties. I had been in denial for a long time. Gender dysphoria ( not the pink fog) is the biggest key to the puzzle.

[melissaK]

. . . Even though the words are widely used, you cannot "be TS". You have transsexualism or transsexuality as a condition. Transsexualism is a congenital condition. It is not something that you become. . . . It is possible to know for sure if you have this condition. It can be diagnosed by a qualified health care professional. There are clear diagnostic criteria that must be met before such a diagnosis is made. It is treated with intake of cross-sex hormones and through surgery commonly referred to as a sex change operation.

Everything Kathyrn said. Go to Wiki and look it up, decent enough article.

I suspect you have already done this though and realize the criteria have a vagueness to them. Such is the way of TSism. There is no "pee stick" test like for pregnancy.

But we all are terribly unhappy in our appearance - even when we look great for our natal gender. We WANT to look like the opposite gender, it makes us profoundly happy that we don't. And we want this at a deep level. This is part of knowing.

We all know this cross gender desire is a minority view, especially us older ones raised at a time when social custom labelled sexual variations as mental health disorders. So we all have tried to avoid the feeling, and make it go away. It is persistent. It is aggravating. It intrudes into your thinking too much. You can not will power the feeling away, nor can you make it go away with cognitive counseling, or realizations your parents were over protective, or abusive or anything else. This is part of knowing.

We often find temporary relief in cross gender dressing, and this is part of knowing.

And we feel so good wearing opposite gender clothes that the act-pleasure reward cycle in the brain can be activated. And, especially in natal males made to feel happy wearing women's clothes, because the sexual arousal process is so easily triggered by happiness, CDing can develop an erotic component. And whenever the pleasure reward cycle in the brain is triggered, it can have an "addiction" feel to it. Many get stuck for awhile sorting out TS desire from CDing sexual pleasure reward.

But most find CDing is not enough, and for some CDing actually is upsetting because it's a huge tease. Feel good for a few hours, and know relief IS possible, but it's taken away because you have to revert to a natal gender role because society tells you so. This is part of knowing.

We have to learn to overcome social training that CGender dressing is morally wrong. It's hard. Our approval from others (parents, sibs, peers, bosses) is part of how we determine our self worth, and learning to ignore the dis-approval from others until the process of changing gender roles is complete, and to then reacquire approval in our new role, is a task that can be helped by counselling. Being willing to risk all this approval is part of knowing.

We each look back on our life and collect the clues from our memories for when the discomfort sets in enough for you to realize we had some early signs. They differ for each of us. This is part of how we know.

We undertake periods of full time living in the role of the opposite gender, RLE, and we feel HAPPY doing it. That feedback from doing this is part of "knowing."

That takes care of the clothing, but we want our bodies to look right because they don't. So we start HRT. And we take on some physical traits of the opposite gender, and we feel great about that. That is part of knowing.

And, after we modify our bodies, and our dress, and start living our social role top to bottom, we finally feel HAPPY with ourselves. That is knowing.

We still get all the normal human emotional problems to deal with, falling in or out of love, wanting approval from friends, and love from our parents, and we need jobs, etc. We are not immune from everything else that makes people sad or unhappy. Counselling can help you keep track of what's upsetting you, gender issues or work or family issues.

When older family role models (parents; older sibs) know a younger family member (their kids, younger sibs) have cross gender issue, and they don't like it due to their misguided moral beliefs, they often withhold approval when cross gender behavior is shown, and these relationship issues can be hopelessly intertwined. Counseling can help you understand what anxiety you feel because you are not given parental approval, vs what anxiety you alone feel because you don't like how you look gender role wise.

Thus we "know."
_____________________

When did I know:

I am 58 year old natal male and I knew at grade school level when I was herded into the boy group at recess and PE that it was wrong, they had made a mistake.

I knew at puberty something was way off - I liked girls, but I wanted to be one and be with one sexually and that didn't match anything my friends talked about when oogling porn of the day (Playboy of the past was pretty tame).

I knew as soon as I learned that a person could have SRS that I wanted that, and when I read they were called TS, I knew I was one. I was 13.

It was not socially acceptable in my world, and parental, familial and peer approval were conditioned upon me not showing TS interests. I spent a miserable 45 years trying keep these approvals and to not transition. I have the counselling bills to prove that what I have always known about myself can't be eradicated by will power, or counseling. And thus I know.

And I have the counseling bills to prove coping with the anxiety of repressing such a deep desire causes severe anxiety, gender dysphoria (GD). And thus I know.

I have a short RLE under my belt and know how great that was. Thus I know.

I have a period of active CDing under my belt, and know I quit because undressing made me angry. Thus I know.

I have 5 years of HRT and know how great it is, both mental (you gotta trust me on this) and physical (soft skin, boobs, less body hair, thinner muscles, and shrunken hardly noticeable male genitals). Thus I know.

I have told some friends and some family, and feel great about that. Thus I know.

The more I transition, the less GD I have. Thus I know.

:-)

[goofus]

Thanks for your responses, all. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

For me it was easy I knew I wanted to be a girl and did something about it.

[Michelle.M]

. . . how does one know for sure if they are TS?

One knows the same way that one knows he or she is cisgender. What takes so much time is admitting it to yourself and then figuring out what to do about it.

[Jorja]

In my case, It was quite clear that I was packaged in the wrong body. My parents knew also but could not do anything about it. It was against the law at that time. It was a different world we lived in back then.

[Frances]

One knows the same way that one knows he or she is cisgender.

That's pretty much it. I spent 42 years trying my hardest to NOT transition.

[Xrys]

there are some things you learn, there are some things you experience, there are somethings you feel, there are some things you think, and there are those things that you just know. this is one of those things. deep down in the centeral core of your being, you just know. the problem is admiting that you know, because admission of this knowlege comes with the responsability to act on that knowlege. but that knowlege has always been there. that constant feeling of being traped in a cage that keeps you from getting the things that should be yours that are kept out of reach. that constant feeling of being a spectator in our own lives as we make one decision after another not based on what we want or need, but baised on what others expect us to do. then one day we see a crack in our cages, so we bigin to chip away at this point of weaknes. it slowly crumbles away, bit by bit, piece by piece. as the opening widens, we can begin breaking off bigger pieces, and we bigin to have more freedom. then finnaly the day comes when the cage is no more and you are free of those expectations that were so constricting before. i always knew that i was born in this cage, but i have been chiping away at it now for a bit, and while the holr is still small, i have a much clearer view of whats on the other side. thats how it is for me atleast.

[GirlieAmanda]

If you feel the overwhelming desire to alter your physical body to be congruent with your mind then you are a TS. If You are perfectly fine dressing and living in two roles, then you are not. Pretty simple really. If you think you may be, in my opinion, you most likely are. Unless its a passing fancy, the overwhelming feeling never leaves and just gnaws at you.

[goofus]

Well put, Xrys, that's kind of how I feel about it all.

[TeresaL]

Well, I don't know anymore whether I'm TS or not. HRT has resulted in me going away from TS, NOT going forward into it like I had presumed. I'm now dressing full-time and living RLE as a male, my birth gender. Testosterone is a toxin for me, and produces cross-dressing and TG desires. I'm more of a man* (no female gender dressing) with LESS testosterone. Does that make sense? It doesn't make sense to me unless I read note #15 of Dr. Ann Avitale's documents. http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

My only difference is, that Anne's clients went back to living as a woman after retuning to their HRT regimen. I went back to living as a man. So how can I tell if I'm TS or not?

------
Added Note
*a man who has to take female hormones for GD. A man who's nipples are sore and body is morphing.

[DaniG]

I'm now dressing full-time and living RLE as a male, my birth gender. Testosterone is a toxin for me, and produces cross-dressing and TG desires.... So how can I tell if I'm TS or not?

Can I ask how long you e been on hormones? I ask because I find that GD relieving actions like HRT can put us TSs at peace, sometimes to the point where we don't feel like we're even TS anymore. But as one wise old M2F physician put it to me recently, it's like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger & bigger. Your GD will return in time.

And you have to admit, if female hormones agree with you, then you must have a female brain. Therefore, you're TS.

[Angela Campbell]

Then again what sane person would want to admit to themselves that they are TS? It is easy to just deny it. Well easy for a while.

[Rianna Humble]

And you have to admit, if female hormones agree with you, then you must have a female brain. Therefore, you're TS.

Actually, Dani, the medical profession would not agree with you:

some gender nonconforming people experience gender dysphoria at some point in their lives.
...
Medical treatment options include, for example, feminization or masculinization of the body through hormone therapy

They then go on to discuss differences in the treatment of Transgender, Transsexual and Gender Nonconforming patients.

[TeresaL]

Can I ask how long you e been on hormones?

Six months.

And you have to admit, if female hormones agree with you, then you must have a female brain. Therefore, you're TS.
They take me to a more content, serene mood. But HRT has not removed my Gender PTSD scars and battle wounds. Those are permanent. My battle was originally with myself, and being forced to crossdress for relief. Twenty years ago, my wife found out and put me through hell. Then the battle became hers to fight me with. Thankfully I'm not a killer or suicidal person, but regretfully, I even hoped or wished she would die. Then last year, she let up and allowed me to at least express by dressing. She learned it wouldn't go away, and knows I'm on hormones, and understands the relief I get from them. SRS would abolish our marriage though. But the HRT took that strong urge for SRS away too!

I prefer the binary, and after almost sixty years of fighting, I am now capable of presenting male without mixing gender expression modes. I never mixed gender expression roles by wearing clothes of the other gender. Tried wearing women's garments under a suit twenty years ago and that was the only time. It worked for whoever suggested it at the time, but didn't do anything for me.

Right now, I have no sense of gender. I'm neither male nor female, nor anywhere in between. I'm me. But I'm gender conforming, and always have been. I'm gender conforming to a male character and will do so as long as the HRT holds me in the groove. If it is like you say Dani, and snowballs, then guess what? I will revert and conform to being fully woman. No in between crap. It's simpler to go with the flow, yet probably not without a few difficulties.

But since that hasn't happened, I am without evidence that I belong to the Transexual club.

[pickles]

Well the true test is if you feel better with a woman's hormone profile vs a man's.

[DaniG]

Actually, Dani, the medical profession would not agree with you:

They then go on to discuss differences in the treatment of Transgender, Transsexual and Gender Nonconforming patients.

Touché. Thanks for correcting me.


If it is like you say Dani, and snowballs, then guess what? I will revert and conform to being fully woman. No in between crap. It's simpler to go with the flow, yet probably not without a few difficulties.

But since that hasn't happened, I am without evidence that I belong to the Transexual club.

I know full transition is not what you want. It's certainly possible that even if you are TS, your dysphoria will return so slowly that it won't matter, and you'll be fine. I hope for your sake that either you're not TS or this is what happens.

[TeresaL]

Well the true test is if you feel better with a woman's hormone profile vs a man's.
Hahah. I don't know, Pickles. I've never seen this played out, due to the almost unanamous and profuse testimony "yay, I'm on HRT, can't wait for SRS, OMG!" Give or take, more or iess drama. LOL.

No one, almost never, ever says "I'm on HRT and reverted to almost-a cisgender male."