My very first step.

[Emma Beth]

A few moments ago, in another thread I took a very important step in my own journey.

I openly admitted that I have a need to transition. I know, some of you girls here are groaning, "here we go again."

Alas, I have not come to this conclusion lightly. I have been researching the pro's and con's regarding this. I have also been researching what I need to do. I have also been doing a lot of self examination and reflection.

I know everyone's situation is different and mine is no exception.

I have come to believe that I may have GD and as soon as my wife and I have our transportation issues fixed, I will be seeking out a gender therapist and finding out for real if I do in fact have GD.

All I know for a fact at this time is that I don't feel right as I am. I feel this intense need to make this right or it could lead me down a road I refuse to travel.

As I sit here, admitting out load how I feel right now. I feel like a very heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my chest feels tight with emotion and a lone tear falls down my cheek. I feel good to be finally admitting this.

I've spent far too many years hiding and suppressing this that I need to take action.

Look out world, I am woman!

[nhlighthouse]

Jamierobert...we all know the feeling that you are experiencing...it happened to ALL of us..it is releasing a bunch of stress that been harboring in you for years....
The best thing you did FOR YOU is coming out. You and others DO NOT NEED that stress cause it will bring you down and your body can not tolerate it for a long period of time without doing physical harm to you.
Express you self and enjoy the journey!....Mykchelle

[Lynnmorgan451]

Congratulations Jamie! That is a big step and a scary step. Sometimes its gonna feel like you just stepped off the edge of a cliff but thats what we are for! Hanging from the cliff wall with arms extended, trying to slow your fall into the unknown. I wish you all the best of things on your journey :)

[melissaK]

I recommend you read Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook" and her "Gender Outlaw" book. Neither cost much, way cheaper than 1 therapy session.

They aren't to diagnose you (though they will help you figure some things about yourself out that are relevant to that), but they help you understand the social rules in place which are shaping your decisions, fueling your fears, etc., about where to go transition wise when you are out . . .

[outhiking]

Thanks for sharing Jamie and good luck on your journey.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jamie, no need for groans, though you may hear some cheering!

I think you are being very sensible by doing a lot of research and by planning to see a reputable Gender Therapist.

I hope that you are able to include your wife from a very early stage.

[Jorja]

Congratulations Jamie! You have taken the first step in what is a most wonderful, confusing, scary, rewarding journey. Make your plan and stick to it as much as possible. Know there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can have a happy fulfilling life once you get there.

Good Luck and please keep us informed of your progress.

[Emma Beth]

Thank you everyone.

I can say that without a doubt that all of your words are very comforting. For the moment this is the only place that I am out. I need some time before I discuss it with my wife. She needs some more time to digest and get used to my cross dressing before I drop that one on her. I don't want to lose her over this, but I'm prepared to if it comes to that. After all; it's my life, my sanity, and my happiness that really matters in this.

I've never really been one to just do something without knowing what I'm getting into which is great. Although I have been known to really head off into the clouds when I fantasize about something.

I can thank everyone here on the site that has commented and posted what they feel and think about a lot of the various aspects about transitioning that really helped me see me for who I really am and realize that some of the things that happened to me when I was a lot younger for what they truly are, gender confusion and not idle fantasy as my Father once told me it was.

This site is a wonderful resource that can be very valuable and helpful in finding one's self in the quagmire that is the internet or the desert of real life. I only wish that I had had access to this much resources and information back in the late eighties/ early nineties so I could have done something about it that much sooner. But live and learn and play the hand that has been dealt to the best of my ability.

Love and Hugs,
Jamie

[Angela Campbell]

I can understand wanting to know as much as you can about something that will have a huge impact on every part of your life. I too am doing the same thing. The problem is there are too many variables to get a picture of where to go and how to get there. I do have some plans but I am still looking for more knowledge.

[KellyJameson]

You seem to be taking a very rational approach to GD and have a willingness to do the hard work of self examination.

Fantasy and magical thinking are not uncommon aspects of gender dysphoria and this starts early as coping methods caused by the trauma of GD.

You create this other world to live in to shelter you from the affects of not being able to live.

It is a bit like how a young rape victim separates from their body during the rape to mentally survive the trauma except the trauma is spread out over your whole life.

I went deep into fantasy by my seventh year of life and than spent most of my twenties trying to come out of it while remaining in it to feel safe.

Fantasy, magical thinking, suppresion and dissociation seem to go hand in hand and they are probably just variations on the same thing. The mind protecting itself from trauma.

You want to let go of the need for fantasy as much as possible because this will make understanding much more difficult.

The fantasy clouds the mind and interferes with learning and understanding the truth.

Fantasy is a wonderful way to survive gender dysphoria in childhood but it will hold you back in adulthood.

Transitioning is brutally real and there may be the temptation to use fantasy to deal with these brutalities but it will add unnecessary pain to the process because you will create a utopia that builds unrealistic expectations of what transitioning will bring you.

Let go of all fantasies.

Accept yourself without shame and in no way view yourself as abnormal compared to other people.

I do not know if GD is caused by trauma but it is traumatic so you may want to study how the mind deals with trauma to see if you have adopted similar coping methods.

Try to learn what you can from your mother about her pregnancy with you if she is available and willing to talk about it.

Look for anything unusual in the pregnancy and ask your parents to describe how you acted in the first three years of life.

The more history you have of the first years of life the easier it is to make connections between now and than.

It is scary in the beginning because you may think you have lost your mind. It is natural to be afraid so move slowly and methodically and you will be fine.

[stefan37]

What I would suggest is to talk to your wife sooner than later if transition is what you want. You mention she has not adjusted to your crossdressing. What makes you think her acceptance of that and it could literally take years if she even ever accepts, her acceptance of you transitioning will be any easier.

You are making the first step and I know from experience how scary that can be to make your first appointment. Take it slow and explore different options if keeping your marriage is important. you may find ways to mitigate your GD if it exists and still attempt to save the status quo. Good luck and keep us informed.

[Emma Beth]

Stefan,
As far as having the talk with my wife; like anything else with a lot of people, there is some doubt in my mind and I feel a need to see a therapist first. I need to have some confirmation and a professional to lend support when I sit down with her and discuss this with her.

At the moment neither of us has a motor vehicle and that issue needs to be taken care of first and foremost. We do have a plan in place that is working and hopefully by Christmas, we will have two motor scooters and I will have my driver’s license. During this time she will be getting used to a lot of things about me changing and I can reflect on how I feel and be able to clarify for her what’s going on with me.

Kelly,
With the fantasy issue, I have no problems in that area. I have the greatest outlet to keep my head from getting cluttered with thoughts of an imagined utopia of what it’s going to be like.

My writing allows me to dump the fantasy onto “paper” in a controlled manner. As a matter of fact, my current project has been a lot of fun in keeping my head clear.

My wife and I started a joint project a couple of years ago that is set within the world of today in a hidden society of beings and creatures from myth and legend being real, most of them btw. (Example: Sasquatch is not real. The legends of Sasquatch are nothing more than a bunch of Were gorillas having fun at the expense of the poor humans and to keep the general public away from the real truth. The Yeti are real and they work in the Tibetan mountains for the Royal court under Mt Everest.)

My main character was inspired by what I am going through at the moment. The character is a kind of psychic vampire where the legends of the Incubus and the Succubus come from. This character goes through a three day gender transformation every month like clockwork with the new moon even though they were born a boy originally, the transformations began after turning nine.
Some time when I have a good sample of my work with this character finished I do plan on posting in the writers section. I wouldn't mind seeing how this kind of project would be received.

Who knows, maybe this outlet could help with the finances during my transition; but I’m not counting on it.

Love and Hugs,
Jamie

P.S. Sorry for such a long post.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Conrats Jamie its a big step and I went through it and it takes alot of pressure off of you.