Will My Parents Even Take Me Seriously?

[pacificblue]

Okay this thread will take some background on two subjects so bear with me a minute.

First off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. It's been almost two months since the diagnosis and I am undergoing aggressive chemotherapy and a heavy regimen of pills to prolong my life.The doctor says it is most likely incurable but that it may go into recession with enough work.

Secondly, my mother. She has a bad habit of treating me like a child despite the fact that I am twenty-one years of age, with my house, two cars, a beautiful wife and a newborn son. All of which I support. I believe I am an adult through both material things and through life experience. Anyway, before the cancer diagnosis I kind of snapped at her and demanded that she treat me like an adult instead of a child. She cried for a long time but agreed.

Well I told my mother about the cancer as soon as I found out for sure. However my wife and my mother were talking while I was out of the house recently and my wife informed me that my mother thinks the cancer has messed with my brain and THAT is why I snapped at her. She thinks I didn't mean it when I asked to be respected as an adult and that the cancer, pills and chemo has messed with my brain and that when it's all over I'll go back to "my old self."

Let me be clear, the cancer is not in my brain (thank goodness). The chemo gives me some light chemobrain but I hadn't begun my regimen when I snapped at her. I wanted respect because I deserve it.

So I'm worried that if I come out as Trans or even just as a Crossdresser that she'll think this is just the cancer messing with my brain again. She won't take me seriously. So should I take this as a opportunity to just say anything I want and let them blame it on the cancer or should I demand respect again and hope that she takes me seriously? Any advice on how to handle this?

I hope I explained that well enough. :straightface:

[Wildaboutheels]

"or should I demand respect again and hope that she takes me seriously? Any advice on how to handle this?"

Respect can be a very tricky thing. But one can't just DEMAND it from a relative or a friend no matter the relationship type.

At 21, you have managed to find a wife who loves you and buy a house. You SEEM to be a lot "further along" than most young folks today. [of your age] But maybe your mom, always wanted you to be a doctor. Or wait until 25 to get married. Or she thinks you picked the wrong girl/doesn't approve of your wife. Got in "too much" hot water as a teen and has never forgotten. Unless she is one of those rare people who never bites her tongue and always lets everyone know exactly what she is thinking, you don't rally have a way of knowing WHY she doesn't seem to respect you do you?

Might she simply be one of those people that can never let go of the past and move on?

UNLESS there is some need to tell her about your dressing, I would hold off on telling her at least until your relatioship with her is "better".

Q for you. Do you have any siblings and if so, do you think she respects any of THEM? [more/at all?]

[pacificblue]

Well that's true enough about demanding respect. I understand what you are saying. It's just frustrating to me that no matter how hard I work or how much I have, she still sees me as a child.

Yes, I do have a lovely wife who supports my dressing and understands that I am Trans. I don't have any siblings though. I don't want to throw a bunch of psychology at my mother's issues but maybe that's part of it? She's holding on to her "only baby"? I'm not a psychologist though and don't want to make the situation worse by guessing at her problem.

Another problem is that I'm not sure that my relationship with her will ever be better. She has very backwards views and believes that crossdressing means you are gay. I identify as pansexual (my wife knows that too) but only have eyes for my wife. If my mother can't get past the crossdressing = gay barrier than how will she take the news that her "straight son" is really her pansexual transsexual daughter in a lesbian relationship?

So that leads me to another question. I'm sick of hiding who I am and I know it's not a good idea to tell everyone but should I just let her live in her ignorance or should I speak up the next time she says something stupid and ignorant? Would it make coming out easier down the road?

[Annaliese]

Let her know you have always felt this way and you want the respected and to be treated as the adult you are.

[Wildaboutheels]

You said parents. Is your dad still alive? He might be the best avenue to try to get through to your mother unless he too is old fashioned and quite content to go through life with blinders on.

She might very well think your wife stole her "baby" from her.

I have a feeling you are going to tell your child early? IF that is the case, I would go ahead right now and just bite the bullet and tell her and let the chips fall where they may. You can't possibly know of course how many folks she might tell, If anyone. But by telling her now, she is more likely to soften her stance given time. Kids are very impressionable at a young age and a grandmother's "poor attitude" about the kids mother could cause all kinds of problems.

And surely your mother would not want that I hope?

IF you decide to tell everyone, I would make sure to tell her first and then tell all your closest friends personally pretty quickly simply because her version to the world might not have anything to do with the real version.

[traci_k]

Have you talked to a gender therapist? At that time you could also talk about how best to tell someone, but in your case what would you tell your mom? I read over some of your other posts from awhile back and you were a crossdresser, now you say your trans - trans what? One of your other posts you indicate that you and your wife love your plumbing and you would never consider SRS, that you are neither male, female, but you love your male fixtures. You were a spoiled brat when your parents took you shopping and they had to buy clothes for you because you wouldn't go. To this day, you say you won't go shopping, but you LOVE shopping.

There's a difference between age maturity, material possessions, and emotional maturity. In another post you mentioned you almost quit a job because you had to wear three red t-shirts. Quitting a job over a t-shirt is acting very immature. They may begin to take you seriously when you grow up. GD is a lot more serious than your wife calling you her "wife" and you crossdressing but you haven't said if you're seeing a therapist or what you're doing about it.

You are only 21 and I am truely sorry to hear about the cancer, but you do seem like you need to grow up a little and a good therapist can help you with your emotional struggles and GD if you are suffering from it.

Sorry to be so blunt.
Best Wishes.

[Chickhe]

Think about it this way.... no they will never treat you like an adult even when you are 50. But, that doesn't mean you are not one. The fun part is, you can treat them like they are old and helpless, they might get the hint and tone it down a bit.

[DaniG]

I'm truly sorry about your cancer. Life as trans is hard enough! :-(


She won't take me seriously.

I had my epiphany just for months ago. Since then I really don't trust anything I say or do, since I'm afraid my motives may be tainted. So when I feel I need to evaluate my situation, I often look back to what I was doing when I was in denial, because back then my motives were pure. I simply had no idea I was trans!

I think the same could be applied to you. I assume you've known for a long time. So if you've cross dresses, say for ten years, and known you were trans for five, then how could the cancer be causing that? What if you remember gender dysphoria issues from early childhood? That would lend some serious credence to your story.


Well that's true enough about demanding respect. I understand what you are saying. It's just frustrating to me that no matter how hard I work or how much I have, she still sees me as a child.

I think you have to ask yourself an important question. If you come out, and your mom react worst case, ie severs the relationship (at least for now), can you handle that? Can you handle it emotionally? Can you handle it financially? Other considerations? If the answer is no, then don't even consider it until you're ready to break free. No other factors matter.


She has very backwards views and believes that crossdressing means you are gay.

Depending on her level of acceptance, this could be a simple matter of education. Most people are woefully ingorant of trans issues. And why not? We're hardly the main issue of the day. If she takes your coming out seriously enough, then she'll do her own research and find out what's really going on. If she's stubborn, then there's little you can do until she's ready to soften up.


I'm sick of hiding who I am and I know it's not a good idea to tell everyone but should I just let her live in her ignorance or should I speak up the next time she says something stupid and ignorant? Would it make coming out easier down the road?

Right-o. Being in the closet is stressful and frustrating. I'm not that out myself, but I've found that coming out is a freeing experience. I would also like to be myself. Eventually, you're going to have to come out. It's just a matter of when.

[pacificblue]

Traci, I appreciate the bluntness to certain degree but I do feel as though you are working off old information. I do understand the difference between emotional maturity and material things. Almost quitting a job over those T-shirts was way back, years back, before I accepted myself and even then and even now I realize how silly and immature that reaction was. That's why I ALMOST quit the job, instead of quitting it outright. Emotional maturity is a journey and a lifelong one and I might look back on this post years from now and think of how silly and immature I am being right now. That's just part of life though, looking back on the past and wondering "what in the world was I thinking and why?"

My wife has since busted me free of my silly shopping fears. It's just that when all you want to do is wear the pretty dresses and everyone takes you to the boys section it's hard on the psyche especially for a confused little child or closeted, emotionally crushed, damn near constantly suicidal teenager. I've grown up past both those people and I'm glad I didn't do what crossed my mind so much as a teenager. I realize that my problem is deeper than most and so I would love to see a therapist but...

I haven't yet seen a gender therapist. I had an appointment set up to begin seeing one shortly before my cancer diagnosis but now all my money goes to supporting my family and my cancer treatments. I can't afford a therapist or any transitional surgeries sadly. Does that make me any less of a woman? Do my struggles throughout life count for nothing because a doctor hasn't signed a paper? I'm stuck in a financial rut but my family comes first in my book so until some spare money comes up I am unable to do anything about my mind/body situation. I don't think that what I'm able to afford or not afford should make me any less of who I am. I've dealt with this, I understand this, I've lived this, suffered this. I can't afford these surgeries or therapists but I know who and what I am and part of that acceptance keeps me living.

Dani, I dread telling them but on the flipside I really don't want to die in the closet if you catch my drift. I hate to be depressing about this but the doctor doesn't know if I have five days, five months, five years or fifty years. My cancer is extremely aggressive and they aren't even sure the chemo will help or how long they can give me. So I'm living on a timeline and part of me is sick of living hidden away like I have for twenty-one years. It's miserable and dark and suffocating in the closet and I want to have more full enjoyment of whatever life I have left in this body.

I have known that I was different since I was young, young, young. I've been crossdressing since early childhood and then occasionally into my teens. Now that I'm on my own with a supporting wife, I can indulge a bit more. I've also known that I've never felt "male". Even when I was a child I knew that I didn't feel like a boy despite desperate attempts to be masculine. No matter how masculine I tried to be I always felt like a girl trying to be a boy. Which is what I was, I realize that now when I look back. However I didn't know there was such a thing as a transsexual until later in my life when I found like-minded people. Then it was "holy crap. this all makes sense. I thought I was just a crossdresser" (which seems to be a common starting place for TSgirls).

[Jorja]

First off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. It's been almost two months since the diagnosis and I am undergoing aggressive chemotherapy and a heavy regimen of pills to prolong my life.The doctor says it is most likely incurable but that it may go into recession with enough work.

Secondly, my mother. She has a bad habit of treating me like a child despite the fact that I am twenty-one years of age, with my house, two cars, a beautiful wife and a newborn son. All of which I support. I believe I am an adult through both material things and through life experience. Anyway, before the cancer diagnosis I kind of snapped at her and demanded that she treat me like an adult instead of a child. She cried for a long time but agreed.

I wanted respect because I deserve it.

First, sorry to hear about your cancer at such a young age. A very good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer several years ago. He had asked me to go with him to the doctor's appointment. I remember the doctor was answering some questions for him. One of those questions was, how long do I have? The doctor picked up his foot and looked at the bottom of it. He said, "I don't see an expiration date stamped here". Stay positive they are doing incredible things with cancer now days.

Secondly, you are your parents child. They are going to treat you as such no matter how old you are or how many good things you have accomplished. It is a parent thing. You will more than likely do it too when your children get to that point. The thing is, deep down, they do respect you for all of your accomplishments. They are so proud of you they want to bust. But then, you would know about how they feel and quit trying.

Now, should you come out to them you are at least transgendered? In my opinion, no not at this time. What good will it do if they are acting the way you say they are acting? I feel that you have enough on your plate with the cancer you don't need your parents freaking out about you wearing dresses too.

[Sandra1746]

First Blue, let me offer my sympathy with your diagnosis and encouragement in your fight with cancer. It is a formidable adversary but can often be beaten. If you are into reading I recommend "The Emperor of All Maladies" by Siddhartha Mukherjee. It is an excellent and readable description of cancer treatment over the ages.

Second, your parents, especially your mother may never accept the fact that you are grown up and not "their little boy". I state this based on my experience with my mother who was still trying to tell me what to do or "guilt" me into doing it when I was well into my 50's. Some parents accept their children as adults but unfortunately many never quite adapt. My mother was never aware of my CD/TG side. It is unfortunate.

Third, being TG or TS is never easy for anyone and how others around you react is on a case-by-case basis. Time and thoughtful understanding and discussion are probably the best options for acceptance here. Good Luck!

Best of luck with your chemotherapy, that is after all the first consideration at this time.

Stay safe and get healthy,
Sandra1746

[traci_k]

pacific
First off, let me apologise for being perhaps too harsh. It's hard to remember what is was like being 21. Some parents don't want to give up their children to adulthood and remain in denial that they're growing up and are capable of making decisions for themselves.

As for telling the parents, as was stated before, what good would that do? It's not always easy to all the intentions in a short reply, but included in my reply was being able to show them some evidence, otherwise you'll just come off as the kid being a kid again and probably wouldn't take you seriously. Plus with the cancer, they've got enough to come to grips with. What I was also trying to get at is, most good therapists have experience in how to tell someone about GD and being TG and could offer advice.
I must also commend your wife for being understanding, you younger generation are much more open and understanding and that is good.
When I'm wrong, I'm girl enough to admit it and I was probably too harsh.
Again, best wishes and I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

[Barbara Ella]

Pacific dear, your mother loves you, don't ever lose sight of that. Remember, that respect is in the eye of the beholder, and the word itself will mean something completely different from one person to the next. What you understand as respect might hit a completely different nerve in your mother. I am speaking as a 66 year old grandmother here, and as parent you never stop having a dear child, no matter how old. Daughters are 41/2, quite independent and their own individual, but when I am there, they are 6 years old in my eyes. Your mother does "respect" you, but likely finds it difficult to give you your space. A mature 21 year old is a rare find, she has a gem of a son/daughter, but it is really very young in her time frames. And no parent likes to think they are doing something wrong after bringing a wonderful person into the world, and nurturing them into adulthood and guided their development. Sorry, it is a fact that parent's take all the credit for their child's accomplishments...accept it...lol

Right now your efforts and concentration need to be on beating the cancer. It takes so much more than just medical treatment. Your mind needs to be behind you all the way. If you are worried about being closeted, and the grief of your mother knowing will be less than your angst in not coming out, you do what is best for you. Rely on your wife for guidance and support. You can beat this.

Hugs,

Barbara

[pacificblue]

A lot of sound advice here, yes. My wife is my guidance and my support and we have talked and we both agree that taking on coming out and dealing with cancer and raising my newborn son and supporting my family is a lot of to take on mentally at once. We think that maybe coming out to select people whom I can trust would be the wisest route rather than tackling the beast that is my parents first thing.