Comments good or bad would be much appreciated!!!

[Kate J]

Going back a several months my wife of over 14 years finally found out about my hobby and it wasn’t a good out come at the time but after a lot of conversations I agreed not to continue as it is something that she will not except at all. So after 4 months it wasn’t possible to hold it back anymore and I have started again.

As most of us know by now we can hold it back but it is impossible to stop, and have know idea why I need to proceed with this hobby, but I have too.

So my question is, do I tell her, I need to do this and risk losing here and my kids as she said if I catch you (doing that thing again “I WILL LEAVE YOU”) or do I do it on the quiet and risk losing her and the kids anyway if she finds out?

Kate

[Christy Diane]

Only you can make that decision, but I can tell you from experience that it's an emotional time bomb living the lie to your wife(for you and her)0

[biggirlsarah]

Oh dear , another case of the wife finding out the person she married and had children with is not the person she thought she had married, is it any wonder you got the reaction that you did, put yourself in her shoes you suddenly find out that your wife secretly dresses as a man goes down the pub with her mates and spends Saturday afternoons watching football , when you thought she was down the Womens institute arranging flowers , ( ok poor analogy) but you get the idea , you have kept quite a big part of your personality from her , to her mind what else are you hiding . I suppose as you clearly cant stop , and as you said you cant , then your only course of action is probably try and come to some sort of compromise , or its down the marriage guidance , or if her threat of its I'm off and if you can deal with that then I think that's the way it will go.
I am really sorry , but you really should have told her before you got serious 15 years ago.
Wishing you luck for the future , Sarah xxx

[Kate J]

That’s the dilemma I have. There are only three options I have. 1. She finds out and she leaves 2. I tell her I just have to do it and she leaves 3. Stop and I lose the plot!! Not good on the third one been there and it wasn’t good!!

[Joanne f]

A good question and a difficult one to answer as there are consequence's ether way but for the time being I think that you have little choice other than doing it on the quite until you think that there is a good time to approach your wife about it again and ask if she will reconsider her position on it and in the mean time maybe find some articles in magazines or papers that you could accidentally leave lying around for your wife to read so that she could see that there are others similar to you and in a similar situation to your wife , I know some will say get her to look on there but I think that will be to much to quick considering her statement to you but then I may be wrong on that as there are a lot more wiser people on here than me especially the GGs in situations like this.

[EmilyPith]

You can't hide this from her, she is in this just as much as you are. Find a counselor or someone to mediate your conversation. She deserves respect, and probably feels a lot of anger towards you for hiding this.

DO NOT just give her a book, or a printout... if she knows nothing about this it will scare the heck out of her.

Is this something you have always done or a recent shift? The longer you have hid it, the greater anger she probably feels.

As far as I can figure, dressing is a shock on a lot of levels, but a lot of spouses or SOs may pretty angry if you hid anything from them for a prolonged period of time. Marriage is about trust and disclosure.

What if she was had a secret passion (because I don't think this is just a hobby) and she had an entire room of very expensive stuff that she never let you know about, she stealthily visited websites in her spare time, possibly had friends in the community that she went and visited without you knowing...and maybe and one day you came home and found her? Wouldn't you feel betrayed or a bit angry about not being let in on it? A lot of women feel almost cheated on when they find out like this, even if you didn't. You are the other woman.

Add in the social trend towards homophobia and you have a woman who is either afraid that:
A. this makes you gay (which it most definitely does not on its own).
B. that it makes her gay somehow.
C. that she is losing you because you want to transition
D you will go prancing around in frilly dresses and the neighbors, your relatives, and the local grocer will know you are "one of those."

In my opinion, you need to talk... a lot. She probably isn't taking this well, and has probably said some pretty mean stuff. People say mean stuff when they are hurt... think of it as the poison coming out. Try to forgive that, and expect more.

But if this is you, and you are truly unable to stop, then she needs to get to know you as you really are. She may realize after she stops being so freaked out that you are actually the same person, just happier and more at ease.

[Karren H]

Hide it from here..... you did it before you just have to be better at it this time.... Thats what I'd do... but then again I don't have high morals like everyone else here! lol.

[Beverley Sims]

If you cant talk about it you have to hide it.
You could try and tell her the temptation is coming back and you need to seek medical advice.
That at least brings it into the open and she then can see that you are doing "something" about it.
Later you could encourage her to accompany you.
Next time you visit a doctor for whatever ask if there is any advice you could use.

[Annaliese]

The problem is it is not a Hobby, it is who you are, that is way it won't go away, some how you need to convince you wife of this, before she find out again sit down with her and from the heart tell her that this is who you are and it not going a way. good luck.

[Allsteamedup]

You could try offering your wife the respect she deserved in the first place. Many GGs have commented that dealing with another woman is easier than dealing with finding out about cding as opposed to being told.

If leaving really would be her preference, sit down and think about spending much less time with your children and the possibility of your wife making another relationship. Add in the cost of another roof and the added inconveniences of sharing your children.

Then think about what it will cost your wife if she stays. She has to completely re-order her emotions, her lifestyle, her concept of who she is and how she fits in the world. She thought this was sorted. Now you have plunged her into something else. If she works hard for a couple of years, she could sort this. That is the cost to her.
You get away with no cost at all, and your dressing included, either inside or outside the home. She has to start again, whether she stays or not.

And that is why some women decide to go. It is less painful to not have to sort this with the cder every day, while the children, who don't know anything, wonder what is going on?
There seems to be a prevalent opinion on here that all a woman has to do is wake up the next day, having completely re-ordered her head, and everything goes on with the cding as part of life. The cding SO contributes nothing. Well, life isn't like that.

Read the stickies on here about coming out to your partner. Try to grasp the parts of knowledge you missed out and those which tell you how a women thinks of this. That will give you a picture of where her confusion lies.

If you want to say you will continue dressing offer to take it out of the home to a Support group (not many of those in Australia, I fear) for example. Anything less will make it look as if you are overriding her completely.

Accept that she does have choices now.
Hopefully, those might include you and your children.

[linda allen]

.................. So my question is, do I tell her, I need to do this and risk losing here and my kids as she said if I catch you (doing that thing again “I WILL LEAVE YOU”) or do I do it on the quiet and risk losing her and the kids anyway if she finds out?

I suggest that you nor "tell her", but talk with her. Pick a good time when the kids aren't around, etc., and sit her down for a talk. Tell her you love her and don't want to loose her, but that her ultimatum of "quit or I leave you" is unfair. Point out that you would never make such a demand on her. Tell her you understand about not wanting your children to find out and try to work out a compromise where you can dress under certain circumstances. Explain to her how much this means to you.

If she's not willing to at least consider your needs, it's clear that she doesn't really love you unconditionally and it may be time for you to think about leaving her.

I do want to say though, that the idea that a crossdresser can never stop dressing is BS. If you really want to stop (I don't think you should be forced to stop), you can do it if you put your mind to it. It's no diffrent than quitting smoking or alcohol.

[Kate Simmons]

If this is bothering you, you need to get in touch with your feelings to understand why you cannot hold it back. You also need to decide if you want to live your life for you or just for your family.:)

[Jenniferathome]

Wow Kate you backed yourself into a corner making a promise you knew you can't keep.

I always advocate "honest is the best policy" but in your case, you may have to ease into it. I would suggest that you tell your wife you are having "those" feelings again and that you would like to see a counselor WITH her. This third party can help arbitrate and explain that "stopping" is not possible. From there, you may have to work out a DADT situation, but thats better than divorce.

good luck

[NicoleScott]

I am really sorry , but you really should have told her before you got serious 15 years ago.

We all know this NOW. Do we really have to twist the knife every time this comes up? Kate's looking for a solution, not guilt.

Kate, your wife has drawn a line in the sand. Be very careful, and don't get caught.
I don't know you or your wife, but from my experience not all threats are genuine, but only a manipulative tool. When it works, expect more threats.
My wife and I are going on 19 years and things are fine, but early on in the marriage, she used to threaten divorce if she didn't get her way. That is, until I dropped a phone book in her lap and said "Fine, call a lawyer". Threats ended.
Then again, there are wives who cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband. So be careful and don't get caught.

[Lynn Marie]

Well dear, I'm guessing that your marriage is pretty well on the rocks as it is. Your wife may never trust you again, if she ever did? It sure would be nice if you could quit CDing for the sake of your kids and family, but maybe that's just not possible. I have no doubt you'll get caught again, so get ready for it.

I wish you well.

[Emeraude]

You can't hide this from her, she is in this just as much as you are. Find a counselor or someone to mediate your conversation. She deserves respect, and probably feels a lot of anger towards you for hiding this.

But if this is you, and you are truly unable to stop, then she needs to get to know you as you really are. She may realize after she stops being so freaked out that you are actually the same person, just happier and more at ease.

I feel that Emily's advice is wonderful. I am in very much the same position with my wife as you are with yours, only with several more years and cycles of agreements involved. This last round, I got to the same "I'm leaving you" and "I'll stop crossdressing" point as you.

After about two years, I opened a conversation with my wife about crossdressing, telling her I had been reading some books and came to some new understandings. First, I apologized sincerely to her for the pain I had caused her. I think that is a crucial point. This, as Emily and others have pointed out, is very confusing and painful for wives. I then explained that I have also learned that this is a part of my personality and will never go away, and that I would like to get an agreement that I can dress while she is away on an upcoming trip. We left it at that, and I have been waiting for her to bring it up again. This trip is coming up in a few weeks.

So, to add to all the great advice you have been getting: 1. Apologize. 2. Go slow and be patient. 3. If you can get her to go to couple's counseling with a counselor familiar with this issue, that could be great. (But be prepared for her expecting the counselor to "cure" you and getting upset if he tells her there is nothing wrong with crossdressing.)

I wish you all the best!

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi Kate,

Sounds like a lot of careful navigating needs to be done here. I would encourage you, that in light of your wife's hostile take on crossdressing, and maybe there are reasons for that we can't judge that may involve other factors, to contact a counselor who understands transgender and crossdressing and invest time in that. If later on your wife discovers that you have been crossdressing, you can honestly tell her that you knew additional help was needed to work through this and have already opened a door through counseling. You can then invite her to participate with you. If it still goes nowhere or gets hostile, at least you can say that you were reaching out for answers and help, demonstrating that you place value the marriage. I always advocate pro-activity versus re-activity.

No easy answers, I'm afraid, but sitting on it will be like waiting for the bomb to explode. We crossdressers don't stop. We put aside and pretend things will change for the good of everything and everyone else, but for most, this not doable. Better to accept that and make sound decisions based on it.

Best of luck. I'm pulling for ya.

Kalista

[NikiMichelle]

There is some very sound advise here for you.

One thing I would add to this is that you need to assess the strength of your marriage without any consideration to the impact of CD'ing has had. You have to be very honest with yourself on this question. The topic of CD and SO relationships is discussed at length in this forum and it is my opinion that a very strong relationship "outside of the CD thing" will overcome the stress placed on the relationship so long as there is a lot of open, intelligent and informed dialogue that takes place.

There also has to be compromises on both sides as neither side can tolerate the feeling that one is side is taking too much and not giving up enough.

Honesty from within and with your SO is imperative...it is with any other aspect of a strong relationship so why would this be any different? In fact it is more important.

BTW you need to not address CD'ing as a "hobby"...that is a huge mistake for both of you to try to accept what being a CD is.

[Julie Denier]

I'm in a similar situation, Kate, except I lasted 15 months before I started dressing again. Don't really have any advice as I am wrestling with the same issue, but I do dress far more sporadically than I used to and I keep my gear out of the house.

[AllyCDTV]

I'd say hide it but it depends on how good of a liar you are, how careful you are and how strong the urge to crossdress is for you. There are plenty of precautions you can take to keep from getting caught but will you implement them? Can you look your SO in the face and convincingly say, "Nothing dear." when she asks you what you've been doing all day while she was gone?

If you can't, or even if you can, it would probably be a good precaution to start a dialog with her again like jenniferathome suggests.

[Lacyfem]

I've managed to dress for years without the wife knowing and we have a great marriage and relationship. It's not something I feel I have to tell her as I do keep it under control but know what it's like to try and stop. Tried that several times without it working. Your problem is she knows so she will suspect you will go back whether you do or not. This means every time you dress whether at home, in which case she could pop in when not expected, to being on the road where she's definitely going to wonder what you're doing in that hotel room. Don't let her find the panties you over looked in your suitcase when you get home. Your dressing will always be in the back of her mind and you will be living with this constantly and the thought isshe going to leave me for real if I continue and she catches me again. The choice has to be yours but I'd continue without telling her but whatever you do I feel your pain and anxiety and wish you the best. And as one put it "but then again I don't have high morals like everyone else here! Good luck hon....

[FoxxxyBri]

Would you lose half your money and the house in a divorce? If so LIE YOUR ASS OFF.

If not just be honest and hope for the best.

[KarenCDFL]

I suggest that you nor "tell her", but talk with her. Pick a good time when the kids aren't around, etc., and sit her down for a talk. Tell her you love her and don't want to loose her, but that her ultimatum of "quit or I leave you" is unfair. Point out that you would never make such a demand on her. Tell her you understand about not wanting your children to find out and try to work out a compromise where you can dress under certain circumstances. Explain to her how much this means to you.

If she's not willing to at least consider your needs, it's clear that she doesn't really love you unconditionally and it may be time for you to think about leaving her.

I do want to say though, that the idea that a crossdresser can never stop dressing is BS. If you really want to stop (I don't think you should be forced to stop), you can do it if you put your mind to it. It's no diffrent than quitting smoking or alcohol.


Hi Linda,

I cannot agree with you on your comment that you can stop CD'ing. Yes you can stop for a length of time but one day a ton of Pink Goo will rise out from deep inside and explode!

I told my wife way before we married so she knew everything from the beginning. I cannot imagine what the wives and SO's are feeling if they find out after the fact.

The one thing that has always bothered me is say the husband gets sick and they find he has Cancer. The wife will hopefully support him in every way she can but find hubby in a Lipstick and Heels and he gets kicked to the curb.

Does not make sense to me at all.

Just saying.

Karen

[DaniG]

You can't hide this from her, she is in this just as much as you are. Find a counselor or someone to mediate your conversation.

I was going to suggest this too.

You've established the precedent that quitting is a solution. That's just not possible for you or any of us. Your wife needs to understand that and come to a deeper understand about you and what's going on. You both need a realistic solution. That may be tougher for her to take than it was last time. Mediating that solution, plus accepting your needs may require a respected authority, ie a therapist.

Open the dialog. Start a real solution.

[Lorileah]

I've managed to dress for years without the wife knowing and we have a great marriage and relationship. It's not something I feel I have to tell her as I do keep it under control but know what it's like to try and stop.


Would you lose half your money and the house in a divorce? If so LIE YOUR ASS OFF.



Just for fun turn this around. Your wife is doing something behind your back and not telling you and then lying to you....would you like being treated like that? Sneaking around, spending money, hiding. And lying top keep your material possessions over her feelings? Just turn it around....how would YOU feel? (and I know right now there is at least ONE person who is saying "my wife would never do that to me..." Uh huh because you are so honest with her.....)

[TeresaCD]

Hi Kate.
I would advocate honesty, as in all likelihood she will work it out, or discover it, and you know how that will go.
As Jenifer said though, need to be very careful about the when and how.
I would be concentrating on showing her how much she and the kids mean to you in the meantime. and demonstrating how important they are to you.
From my own perspective, I am finding as I finally embrace this part of me that I am more balanced, less likely to be grumpy or aggressive, and generally in a better frame of mind.
Does embracing our cross dressing make us better men?
When does our dressing adversely affect those we love most?
I share my wife's desire to make sure I am not outed, as I live in a small country town, which is quite xenophobic.
I wish you well as you move forward.

[vivian fair]

Be very frank with her that you know from past trys that "quitting " is impossible for you, and that the stress of her thoughts do not help. If she demands you guit or divorce is her answer then divorce is what it is. If she dosn't want to meet you half way then her love is in short supply, and you'll probally get the short shift soon enough. How was the marriage prior to this knowledge?

[Being Paige]

I agree with Karen, I guess that is what I have been doing because I go out in public and if she know's she is not saying anything which is hard to believe so maybe I'm in the clear for now!

[Kate J]

Hi All

Thank you for your wonderful comments and observations as this given me great clarity in the direction I should be taking.

I will keep you posted

Kate

[Lacyfem]

Good one BoxxxyBri.... You are cute!