Seriously felling like checking out today.

[Alice Torn]

Got a cruel letter from my brother in prison today. He has accused me, and ridiculed me my whole life, along with his twin brother. My sister kicked me as hard as she could Monday, because when i could not understand her speech, she blew up, then i said don't be a b---h, and she kicked me in the right side. I got absolutely blasted by a guy i used to be a friend with, on Facebook. He had no mercy on my current pain and emotional torture. I have never felt this hopeless, and far from sanity, or God, or other people. My old car is on its last legs. I am almost at my very end, to this cruel life.

[missynicole]

you have to stick with and trust in God. i have been where you are, many of us have...trust in God with all of your heart

[Lisa Gerrie]

Alice, reaching out by posting here was a good move, but you really need to talk to a live person. Random people on the internet -- me included -- are not qualified to give you advice about ending your life. Crisis hotline, community mental health, even an emergency room. Please don't do something rash before you speak to another human being.

[Alice Torn]

I've been dealing with the same crap for many decades. It never seems to end, and death seems like a nice deep sleep, and i cannot sleep much at night, anyway, but struggling to keep going, as it seems to get worse and worse, and going on seems hell.

[Chickhe]

I feel for you. I think the worst thing in life is having relatives that cause you damage. Many can be a real drain on your spirits...try to do something you enjoy ignore them for a while.

[Launa]

Don't do anything to yourself at all. Hang in there and work on getting these bad folks out of your life. Throw that letter away, don't talk to bad people on Facebook and block that guy, tell sister to smarten up or she can go too.
Go into self preservation mode right now!

[Eryn]

First - you need to talk about this to a live person, someone outside your current circle. These people are not being helpful to you and you don't need to be paying attention to destructive people.

Second - Why are you lending any credence to someone who is in prison? That person cannot run his own life, don't let him try to run yours.

Third - Someone kicking you? That's battery, a crime. Grownups don't do things like that to each other.

Get out, get help, dump the losers. That's my advice to anyone in an abusive relationship.

[Michelle 51]

Hi Alice
If I lived near you I would come get you and we could talk.I don't.I do know you can't dwell on those kinds of thoughts.If your even half as serious as you sound please call someone who can help you.Not tomorrow or Monday..To-nite.You have lots of friends on here but this is the internet.You need a face-to-face with someone you can look in the eye and talk this out..........hugs..Michelle

[Alice Torn]

Thanks all for your posts. it really helps. I hope to call my VA therapist soon.

[Annaliese2010]

Well...you look fine to me hunny, for what it's worth. Anyways...we're all in the same boat, ya know? Like the quote: "Nobody gets outta here alive". It's true. We are all united by a common mortality. Which...I mean...that being True...like...WHO tha f*ck cares about those who prove themselves to be idiots? They are Legion! I mean those who surround us & look down on us? Yeah...rrrright. As IF they're any better!

What m tryin to say, in my retarded way is... Awww? Girl? I feel your pain. But...at the same time just wanna suggest...don't take serious the sh*t some people throw at you. Really. Like....THEY'RE any better? Nah-uh. Nope. Not. Nada. Nicht. Oh no. We ALL gonna diie someday. It's INEVITABLE. Therefore..........

Live your pretty-pretty life as you will. True to yourself. This time is Your time! Don't let other ppl define you. CHOOSE your friends..& those who you allow, in your own mind, to be important to you. Don't let Them choose You..whether family or friend. Be discriminating. If someone dosn't Deserve the Privilege of knowing you? Turn away - to Hell w/em! xox :battingeyelashes:

[lingerieLiz]

Things can get better. You need to sit down with someone who can coach you through a change in life. Your relatives are toxic because they have failed and want you too also. You can make it. You don't need anyone that doesn't like you. That includes family members. Do you have a job? If not are your needs being met. Dave Ramsey coaches people on starting over. Listen or call his show. While it is financially oriented it is also spiritual. He started over. If you feel you don't have any friends let me assure you that you can make new ones.

[Persephone]

Alice, please don't let them get you down, and most of all, don't give them that much power over your life. The old saying is "Illigitimus non carborundum est," which basically means "don't let the bast***s grind you down."

You are already proving that you are better than they are, that you can see them for what they are, and that you can rise above them. So you are already on the trail of getting past their crap, you just gotta keep truckin'.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Leslie Langford]

Excuse me, but your brother is in prison, and he is judging YOU???

He is in prison because of something illegal and anti-social that he did. Whatever it was, he had a choice - do it, or don't do it. He made a conscious choice to do it knowing full-well the associated ramifications but proceded anyway, and is now dealing with the consequences. He has no one to blame but himself.

On the other hand, like the rest of us, you weren't given the choice to be transgendered but instead - and as Lady Gaga put it - you were "Born This Way", and just dealing with this condition the best you can.

We can choose our friends, but not our relatives, and this particular bunch sounds incredibly toxic. Yes, I "get" that blood is thicker than water, but unfortunately in this case, you need to distance yourself from these people for your own sanity.

The only problem YOU have is THEM, so let them sort out their own issues themselves, in in a manner that doesn't involve belittling or bullying you. You deserve so much better...

[LilSissyStevie]

When I was little kid my grandmother told me that people who committed suicide woke up in Hell and experienced their misery for eternity. Every time I was on the verge of checking out, this little voice in my head would ask, "What if she's right?" Of course, I'm too smart to believe that stuff but I had to admit I was a failure at life so I didn't know everything. If she's wrong, I gain nothing. If she's right I lose eternity. It's a bad bet. If what she said was true then suicide is hopeless and the only hope was to find a way out of my misery while I still lived. I did and you can too.

[Anneliese]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7letrMf_nEMy thoughts are with you Alice. Be strong. You'll get through this.

[Julie Gaum]

Alice, you say that you will contact the VA soon. Not good enough, if you haven't already, call the VA hotline at 1-800-273-talk. There is also a "crisis Hotline" in your local VA facilities. Do it NOW and not "soon".
I'll also try to figure out how to send you a poem received yesterday called "Can you unfold a rose?"
Sisters sent good advice --- you are not alone.
Julie

[Sylvermane]

Different reasons and situation but I am in the same boat as you, wondering why to keep going. For some reason as much as I want to go away I just can't seem to do it. I have found that there is always some glimmer of hope out there, as hard as it is to find. Took me 13 years of pure crap and torture to find my glimmer and I'm trying to hold onto it as best I can. You can do the same. There is good out there, it's just hard to find sometimes... But worth finding.

[Megan Thomas]

Alice, You'll get lots of help and different advice here, so I'll try and keep mine simple and concise:

You seem to have been forever in this vicious circle with your family and you need to break free. Stop repeating the cycle and you will create a change. It doesn't matter what that change is or where it takes you, the important thing is it should take you out of the cycle of pain and hurt you've been in.

Good luck!

[MarinaKirax]

Call someone tonight, OK? What can it hurt to talk to an anonymous person and rant against those that hurt you? Call someone tonight.

[DW]

The only opinion that REALLY counts.. is YOUR OWN! Be who you are.

[TxCassie]

Hon,

I am sad to hear you're going through a rough patch. I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction, but if you're having thoughts that are too scary to face. And you nee someone to talk to right away,

National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America
Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255
1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Deaf Hotline

You are not alone honey.
Cassie

[Keri L]

Hon,

You are not alone honey.
Cassie

Ditto! please reach out to a live person soon!

[Kate Simmons]

You know you can always talk to me my friend. I will never try to convince you of anything as I respect you as a person but I am a good listener.:)

[Alice Torn]

A million thank yous to all of you , for caring, and posting your care and concerns. I am hanging by a thread right now, and were it not for you all, and my cats, i may be gone now.

[Emogene]

Alice, you mentioned calling the VA. If you are a combat vet, many folks end up with post traumatic stress syndrome. It, by itself, can cause serious depression. The advise to call the VA sooner rather than later is very sound, their folks have lots of experience and a lot of resources. If you are still on line, get off, now, and call the VA. Please! You are loved and you have infinite worth!

[Alice Torn]

Many thanks to all of you who showed concern and posted! God be good to you all. I have been hanging by a thread, but when i see my two cats who love me, and read your posts, i am hanging on. I deactivated my guy account on Facebook. I have deep mental and emotional illness, and people attack me, and are cruel on Facebook sometimes, as well, as my brothers and sister. To be emotional and mentally off, means being misunderstood, and despised, even without letting them know i crossdress! I have had suicidal episodes all my life.

[AngelaKelly<3]

You are always going to get people in your life who seek to put you down.

Personally, when it happens to me, I take it as a complement. Because if there's people out there who are so eager to spend so much time and energy to belittle you, then there's definitely a hint of jealousy and insecurity in them.

People are very quick to post hurtful things when sitting behind the protection of a computer screen, I wouldn't take it to heart.

I know it's hard, but keep it up. You'll always have understanding people to talk to here.

x

[Vickie_CDTV]

You should have called the police and had your sister arrested. That is assault, and if you had done that to her I guarantee she would have had you arrested, and you'd serve time in jail for it.

You need to finally jettison all these toxic people in your life once and for all, and a therapist can help you with that. Take it from someone who has had to endure a toxic family too, the only option for those kinds of extremely toxic people is complete removal. You owe them nothing.

[Alice Torn]

Emogene. I am not a combat vet, but have ptsd from a combative family, and other "friends".

[Tracii G]

Alice my ex's family was just like that always getting thrown in jail or going to prison.
Always starting fights in the family and why? To get attention and to be the focus of the entire family be it good or bad mostly bad I assure you.
I told my wife don't answer their phone calls and don't go to the prison or jail to visit them,don't be at their beck and call 24/7.
She finally got fed up and said you guys leave us alone take care of your own problems I have my own to deal with.
I got a call from her brother years later and he apologized for being an a hole and he wanted me to forgive him for all he had done.
I did and all he said was thanks that means a lot to me take care.Never heard from him again.

[Alice Torn]

I have big problems deep down, from the decades of programming. I have been in recovery for so long, and still am at rock bottom. I know why cops hate to have to respond to domestic disputes more than anything else. It is as tramatic as war combat. Kate, I hope that in the next waking moment after suicide, that God is very merciful, far more than people were. I don't believe in an ever burning hell, for anyone, especially those in horrendous physical or mental pain.

[Amanda M]

Alice - I suspect that you will find that this is as bad as it gets. It is hard to just hang on sometimes, I hope that the love and concern you are getting from the people on here from people you have never met will help you understand that there are compassionate people out their for you.

What a waste of all your effort and courage if you were to end your life, tipped over the edge by a couple of inadequates who cannot hold a candle to you.

[Being Paige]

You need help but you also just need to cut these people loose from your life, it sounds to me that they are not worthy of you. Move on, get help and live happily!!

[EmilyPith]

Some people aren't happy unless they are making others miserable. Some people can't be happy at all, so they try as hard as they can to make the people around them as unhappy or even more miserable than they are so they don't feel so alone.

Just because you share DNA with those dingbats doesn't mean that their opinion of you matters.

If you haven't called for help yet, call now. Seriously. Don't wait.

[Beverley Sims]

Alice, we can only give you uplifting support here, you do need a sympathetic companion.
Keep talking and you will see a brighter side to all this later in the week.
It is unfortunate that it has all come at once.
No it really is not a cruel life, just some that live life are cruel.

[Ciara Brianne]

I am a big music fan. I have found that it can be very therapeutic. With that said...I have drawn strength from this song during recent turbulence in my life and I want to share it with you. I don't know if you are a reggae or not, but the lyrics alone are empowering. I hope you enjoy it and mostly I hope it helps you cope.:hugs:

well the attachment didn't work so here is the url. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8RsIB6-cV8

[Anneliese]

Alice, are you still there? Hoping...

[Terri Andrews]

Hi Alice ,
Are there any sisters ,in your area that you could talk to ?