I,m alone ,but not here

[pauleen]

I dont want to bore everybody with my story of how I started c/d it is like most of the other c/d,s that I have read at other web sites ,and here . I read a thread starter just a few mins ago, about a person accepting who they are not male ,not female just themselves, I think thats the catigory where I fall. I,m kinda like in limbo there have been alot of recent events in my life I lost my fiancee 2 yrs ago she was very accepting to pauleen, she loved me for me she look past the clothes ,heels ,and make up ,but now she is gone ,I found out last year that I was adopted which I,m not imbarrest about , and third my father has alzhymers ,so I am now taking care of him for how long I,m not sure , so I cant be pauleen phisically ,just mentally. the pat about being alone is I dont have any outlets to meet friends who injoy the same interests as I do ,the only friends I have are all of you on this web site ,and a few I have met in transgender chat rooms. I think by the age of 38 I,m supposed to know who I am , but I try to make best of my life ,and fit pauleen in it because being her makes me feel at ease, I hope some of you can make sence of my gibberish.

[Amelie]

Pauleen, I am so sorry to hear about your fiance and your dad. It seems like you are having a tough time of it lately, I hope things turn out better for you in the future.

I see that you have found your place on the TG spectrum. It is a big spectrum and everyone has their spot on it, I am glad that you have found yours.

Amelie
xxx

[pauleen]

Thanks amelie,
your such a sweet heart .

[Sharon]

I'm so sorry about your fiance and father, Pauleen, I can imagine how tough
it has been for you. I'm happy to read, though, that you have the forum and other outlets, and that you consider us a friendly refuge.

Hang in there, and anytime you want to see a happy face, just look for my avatar -- I'm smiling for you! :)

[Dana]

We're here for you, Paulene!

[Stephenie]

Pauleen, At 48 I still not sure of who I am. And as for being adopted, I tell my 5 adopted kids that they were not an accident, they were a choice.

[Vivian Best]

I hope you can find this forum as a refuge for at least some respite to life. I could probably spend half my day here but there are things that have to be done. My hat is off to you for taking care of your father. I know that is no easy chore. My wife's mother had Alsheimers for over ten years. I'm sure your father needs constant care as my mother in law did but that doesn't cause you to love them less.

Now, my wife is adopted! My mother in law was my wife's adoptive mother. So far as my wife is concerned "she was her mother in every way" except she just didn't happen to give birth to her. And, that was never a problem to my wife. Her adoptive parents WERE her parents. I have her adoption papers in my safety deposit box and they have her birth parents name on them but she has never had any interest at all to find them because her adoptive parents were her parents.

She has such a wonderful attitude about being adopted, she says she is special because her parents got to choose her. She says she was a choice because in many births, they are a chance an accident if you will. I do hope you feel the same way.

Life sometimes deals us a bad hand. Hurt and disappointments hit us from every angle and certainly isn't fair. It wasn't fair for you to loose your fiance. I hope you are near the end of your grief period. Your grief has to end because life has to go on for you. The right person for you might be around the next corner in your life. You are still a young person and still have most of your life ahead of you.

We're all here for you! If you need to unload please feel free to unload. I know you need to vent sometimes so feel free to vent.

Vivian:rose2:

[pauleen]

Thank you vivian for the kind words.
huggs pauleen.

[pauleen]

Hey all,
here is somthing I had to answer to the other day I did the best I could under the cercomstances, I went hunting the last day of shot gun in maryland ,my computer was on the fritz ,so the night before I was just casully wearing my girl clogs ,and was watching a program on logo channel 'direct tv' I,m usually good at putting up my gurly stuff before I go to bed . well my hunting partner came over he did give me the respect and knocked first then unlocked my door { I gave him a key to watch over my place while I,m taking care of my father} and said hey wake up you ready to go hunting [it was 430am] so I quickly got up and went to go get dressed for hunting that is ,when he asked you wearing your clogs again?? and then said who,s where they ?? I didnt have to answer he said they were must be your old girlfriends right but size 11??? then he turned on the tv ,and what just happened to be on but noahs, ark on logo channel I about freaked opp,s he said whaT THE HELL IS THIS !!!!! I said I dont know I said I was just flippin through the channels last night . he happens to be my best friend that I grew up with ,and doesnt know about pauleen. I have this feeling that there are some questions he is probly asking his wife ,or has he been snooping in my house I hope not ,maybe I over reacting any suggestions ?????????? on what to do?????????.
fearfull ,pauleen