Beware of Department Store "Rewards" Programs

[JaytoJillian]

My SO knows about my crossdressing and she absolutely hates it. Sometimes I think she hates ME for it. At any rate, we just don't talk about it outside of arguments. When she is reminded of what she calls my "sickness," it is like a lit match to an open container of gasoline. Thanks to a department store rewards program she got an e-mail to remind her that I CD. I happened to be in a mall near my home Saturday, and I decided to pick up a couple pair of thigh highs. I am a total guy when I shop---doing so en femme has zero appeal for me--I get in and get out of the store with manly efficiency. On this day, I got the nylons, found a short line and was ready to complete the transaction. The SA was nice and polite and she asked, "may I have your phone number?" I quickly rattle off my cell #. Not seeing what she wants on her computer screen, she asked for another phone number. Upon this request, I only half jokingly ask, "Do I have to have a phone number to buy something here? She smiled sweetly and communicated that she was simply trying to see if I was a member in the store's reward program and that I might be able to get a discount off the merchandise I'd selected. Bingo! Discount was the magic word--I provded her with the home phone number and I was in like flynn--I walked out the door with 2 pair of very nice nylons for about five bucks! I was feeling exceedingly proud of myself until the following day when my SO asks, "who did you buy the lace-topped thigh highs for, me or you? I of course admitted that they were for me--she doesnt wear "uncomfortable-lingerie-designed- for-men's-pleasure" So, she had me dead to rights, and proceeded to rant that SHE is the woman and the I am just a WANNABE and that SHE is the only one who can give birth and make MILK (yah, she actually said this). All I could do is just suck it up, give her a hug and kick myself for being such a bargain hunter that my discretion suffered. The moral of the story? Think about where the information about your buying habits are gonna go BEFORE you take advantage of these "rewards" programs.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Ouch. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

[NicoleScott]

These kind of store programs, like rewards or registering for a giveaway, are not for your benefit, but to get your information so they can directly market to you, which is more effective than mass marketing. I, too, have questioned SA's why I have to give them information before I can buy something.

[Rogina B]

When will she figure it out that she isn't going to change you? It is in your blood and it isn't coming out! I am always amused when"the only real girl is me" statement comes out so often here....like anyone denies that..lol And I am sure that you would have bought her whatever she wanted on your shopping mission,if she had been willing to ask..

[Erica Marie]

Sorry to hear of your pain. Too bad you so cant accept you for who you are. But I have been in the same situation. Some women feel threatened that you will take over their role in the relationship. I had a ff like that, well she is gone and to a point I am thankfull. Good luck and stay sexy.

[linda allen]

My SO knows about my crossdressing and she absolutely hates it. Sometimes I think she hates ME for it. At any rate, we just don't talk about it outside of arguments. When she is reminded of what she calls my "sickness," it is like a lit match to an open container of gasoline. ...............

Your problem is not with a department stor or a rewards program, your problem is with your relationship. If your SO hates your crossdressing and hates you for crossdressing, you have two choices:

1) Stop crossdressing.

2) End this relationship and find someone else to share your life with.

Life is too short to live it this way. Seriously.

[Rogina B]

There are other options as well...Triess group so she meets other spouses,or sessions with a qualified GC...

[Elle1946]

Do like my wife does me, just tell her how much money you saved

[Ameli]

I'm so sorry to hear this Jillian. That must feel awful.

Ameli

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jillian, Been there and done that (guilty as charged your honor.)

[~Joanne~]

These kind of store programs, like rewards or registering for a giveaway, are not for your benefit, but to get your information so they can directly market to you, which is more effective than mass marketing.

Plus they also SELL this information to other companies to make even more money than you actually saved.

My SO has the reverse reaction, if I go to say Kmart she wants me to make sure I use her rewards program lol Points are points I guess lol

I am sorry to hear that things are a bit rough on your end Jill. I always thought your wife was a bit more supportive than she apparently is, especially with such harsh comments. I know that probably makes for some really tough times. I wish you well.

EDIT: Here is a very well written page of the pros and cons of these rewards programs. I will show this to my SO when she wakes lol

http://www.citynetmagazine.com/lifestyle/customer-loyalty-programs.html

[Lynn Marie]

Sorry girl. You and I have been friends here for years now and I never even thought about your home situation. Always loved your bright smile and gorgeous look. You do deserve better at home. I wish you well.

[sometimes_miss]

So perhaps in this thread, we should list the companies who take our private information and share it with others. I purchased an appliance from Home Depot last week, and gave them not just my home phone, but my cell phone number (and virtually no one has that cell phone number which I have had for 12 years). Bingo, by the end of the week, I was getting advertisements on my cell phone. Home depot works fast, sold my number within days of the sale (online purchase friday, delivery tuesday, ads appeared the following friday, I've since changed my number).

Beware ANY company that wants your information.

[Gillian Gigs]

I find that any time a SA asks me for a phone number, I respond by asking if they are wanting it so they can phone me for a date. This gets a variety of responces and the reason behind the request. It is all about finding out more about you and your habits. All paranoia intended, "the man" is continually searching to find out everything that they can about you and me. Reward programs are one of methods, another is saying that they are helping you by keeping records for your benefit, bullfeathers, just look at a Lowe's commerical. And people thought that 1984 was just a sci-fi novel!

[Sara Jessica]

Yours is truly a tough situation. I would have just enrolled in the rewards program on my cell phone and perhaps under my "Sara" email if for some reason email was required, leaving the household info out of the equation. What they choose to do with that info is really of little concern to me.

Targeted marketing based on purchase history though is unavoidable if you use a store card. I have to intercept these when they come in by snail mail from Macy's for their cosmetics department.

[Sheila11]

I used to give a false number but now I just say, "I would rather not if that's ok." They always just move on.

[kimdl93]

I think your response to her was constructive...just a hug and no arguing. All of the things she said are true of course...but one might ask what's wrong with being a Wannabe. Perhaps, her comments reveal some things that might helpful about the way your SO feels about herself your dressing. This could be a starting point for a conversation.

[Debra Russell]

Wifes can get edgy sometimes - particularly when you're prettier........................Debra

[AllieSF]

Your problem is not with a department stor or a rewards program, your problem is with your relationship. If your SO hates your crossdressing and hates you for crossdressing, you have two choices:

1) Stop crossdressing.

2) End this relationship and find someone else to share your life with.

Life is too short to live it this way. Seriously.

Linda, those are your options, not necessarily others' options. She has many options and she has selected one for her. Jillian may be complaining about the situation and to share an interesting experience that may help a lot of us avoid, but she definitely knows where she is at and has decided to live with it as she has successfully been doing for quite some time. Maybe one day her decision may change, but only she can do that.

Thanks for the tip on the phone numbers. I hate when they do that, but like you, "special" deals sometimes get me too!

[outhiking]

"...just a hug and no arguing. All of the things she said are true of course..." But I wonder how many CD'rs when confronted with these truths then insist that they are the man in the relationship and so thier SO must wear dresses and skirts, paint thier nails, etc. and can't be male wannabes. I'm guessing none of us have said that ;-)

[Eryn]

OTOH, my supportive wife loves it when I add points to her DSW account (unless I grab a $10 reward before she can!)

[Jenni Yumiko]

On the number front, I just say unlisted. Or if they tried selling me a credit card, I would ask why would I want to pay some ridiculous percentage rate when my Amex is nearly free and my other cards are all sub 15% I used to bitch them out, but my wife would get mad, so the unlisted works the best.

[RenneB]

Same here about the phone number. Just when they ask if they can have my number I say flat out 'NO'. Do you have our rewards card 'NO'. Would you like to hear about our rewards 'NO'. Would you like to donate a dollar to.. 'NO'. That's it. Just a nice polite no and go on to the next question. Chances are, I won't go to that store again anyways. I prefer to go to the ones that comment on what you buy and start up a girl to girl conversation... oh yea, I prefer to shop en fem... but I go either way.

On the relationship issue, well everyone's different. I'm sure my SO is going to drop the D word if I open up to her. Not worth the hassel. I get enough cr*p from her from just being me. You know, forgetful, unthoughtful, too clean, too picky, too... well that's another thread ... LOL...

Renne....

[MissTee]

Hate to hear you face that kind of reception about dressing, Jillian. That's got to be tough for you.

I'll admit I'm blessed. Wife said to me last night, "you only need to purchase one more item from Ulta before we reach level 6 rewards. Here's the latest sale." We spent the next 30 minutes shopping for Misty's train case items that we'll "share" when traveling.

[tifftg]

My polite answer whether drab or enfemme is no thank you I am in enough databases already. My experience they don't push it. Jillian like you my wife hates this part of me. It is always a desire not to push it into her face if I don't have to you.

[pennylee]

SEARS? made out good there due to poor attitude, $400 air comp. free

[julia ann]

I too got burned buy a rewards program. mine was a local drug store change, give the phone number and it logs your purchases for future coupons. What I did not know was that it would separate the purchases and apparently I had rang up a good total in the beauty club with make-up and moisturizer purchases . oop's

[JaytoJillian]

SEARS? made out good there due to poor attitude, $400 air comp. free

LoL, how'd you guess???????

[Diane Smith]

Jillian, it always saddens me when you describe your wife's issues with your dressing. I have no answers for you but just want to express my sympathy.

- Diane

[Eryn]

...When she is reminded of what she calls my "sickness,"... ...proceeded to rant that SHE is the woman and the I am just a WANNABE and that SHE is the only one who can give birth and make MILK (yah, she actually said this).


I can't say much except to question whether these are the words of a person who truly loves you. It surely doesn't sound like it.

[linda allen]

Linda, those are your options, not necessarily others' options............

Of course they are my opinions. I can't really post other people's opinions, can I?

I have been married three times, the last for over thirty years. I stand by my statement that life is too short to live in a relationship full of hate and disrespect. If the OP wants to live that kind of life, fine, but in the end, she will be dead and will not have earned any medals for her troubles.

[SheriM]

Jillian, I am in much the same situation as you. Love my wife and don't want to mess that up but also don't want to stop cding. So I do it when I am out of town, away from people I know. I think she knows I still like it (she allows the panties) but certainly not to the extent that I go.

[Plasibeau]

Point of fact: Men ARE capable of producing milk . . .

[Tracii G]

It is sad Jill your wife doesn't approve because I think you look great.
I hope she changes someday.

[Julogden]

The rewards program isn't the problem, as I suspect you know. You need to resolve the REAL problem, the issues between you and your wife. Probably won't be easy, but you need to do that ASAP. Life is surprisingly short, don't waste it, get to work on your relationship NOW.

Hugs,
Carol

[Beverley Sims]

Any fem rewards go to Beverley Sims.
When asked whose card I have I say my Aunt's.
Good ol' auntie, Beverley, she has a lot to answer for.
20 percent off truck tires and ten percent off house siding too.

[DeidraDee63]

Hi Jillian, I am sorry for your home situation; but I should not talk my wife has no clue, mainly because I stopped for many years, but that's another story. Unless its holiday season I'll pay with cash. I do have a VS card and I am fine unless she picks up the mail then I will let her have the rewards or she will remind me to go buy her something, No Prob always glad to go shopping. I think I know the ladies at VS better then she does. If they press me for phone number just give my fax number easier then dealing with telemarketers! (lol). My wife often says How I have good taste, I just tell her if I would wear it you would probably like it.
However when she does get upset with me she will call me a "cranky old Bi**h", or will tell me to stop walking like a girl, I just thank her for the compliments. lol....Oh I do have a female waist/hip ratio, go figure..

[Stephanie47]

When my daughter was in college, she had access to my credit card account. Since then I've been getting 'free panty' coupons which my wife grabs. I maintain a gmail account for all the department store and website transactions. Also, we are one of the exceptions of life: no electronic media/social media/cell phones. I do have an issue with eBay always trying to alert you to great deals based on prior purchases and searches. Fortunately, my wife does eBay.

[Angela Campbell]

doesn't work. They have your credit card info from that they have your address, phone number, e mail address and likely your shoe size. Which ones share or sell the info? All of them do. No exceptions. Even the ones who swear they do not.

[RenneB]

Oh yea, I forgot one. Those supermarket rewards cards that you just swipe. I bought a bunch of makeup and stuff but had to swipe my bonus members card for the gas discount... A few days later the SO goes to the same store, buys milk and bread and comes home with makeup coupons... She doesn't wear or buy makup... hmmmmm.... I chucked it off to must be a random computer thing.... In my mind I was thinking, maybe it has facial recognition and is making a suggestion....

Renne.....

[Jodi]

I digress to my time working retail at New York & Co about 10 years ago. When doing a checkout at the register, we were required to ask for the customer's phone #. This was for marketing purposes. Most people just gave us their number, but if a customer refused to give it, we were to thank them and move on.

So, if you do not want to give your number, don't do it. There is no penalty.

Jodi

[JaytoJillian]

Point of fact: Men ARE capable of producing milk . . .

LoL, I have heard of that, but...ewwwwwwwww


It is sad Jill your wife doesn't approve because I think you look great.
I hope she changes someday.

Totally off (my own) topic, but Tracii, that new avatar of you is waaaaaaay fab!

[DebbieL]

My SO knows about my crossdressing and she absolutely hates it. Sometimes I think she hates ME for it. At any rate, we just don't talk about it outside of arguments. When she is reminded of what she calls my "sickness," it is like a lit match to an open container of gasoline. Thanks to a department store rewards program she got an e-mail to remind her that I CD. I happened to be in a mall near my home Saturday, and I decided to pick up a couple pair of thigh highs. I am a total guy when I shop---doing so en femme has zero appeal for me--I get in and get out of the store with manly efficiency. On this day, I got the nylons, found a short line and was ready to complete the transaction. The SA was nice and polite and she asked, "may I have your phone number?" I quickly rattle off my cell #. Not seeing what she wants on her computer screen, she asked for another phone number. Upon this request, I only half jokingly ask, "Do I have to have a phone number to buy something here? She smiled sweetly and communicated that she was simply trying to see if I was a member in the store's reward program and that I might be able to get a discount off the merchandise I'd selected. Bingo! Discount was the magic word--I provded her with the home phone number and I was in like flynn--I walked out the door with 2 pair of very nice nylons for about five bucks!

If you really want to keep your purchases private, you need to pay cash that you got from an ATM somewhere else, and give no personal information. There are many people who, for a variety of reasons, want to stay "off the radar", but they know that they can only do this if they avoid any transactions involving plastic, checks, or electronic funds transfers. Illegal immigrants, people working while on disability, or elderly working while getting Social Security are examples of people who want to be paid in cash, spend only cash, and avoid letting ANY or the money pass through the banks.

I work for a very large computer company. When I applied for the job, they wanted ALL of my credit card numbers, as well as social security numbers, and all of my aliases. As I filled out the application I began to realize how little privacy I really had. Fortunately, I knew that the company had a very aggressive diversity policy and being transgendered was actually an asset. Still, I was aware that the right correlation of various numbers would make it possible for a company with access to the right combination of computers would combine that information to know every item I purchased as well as where it was purchased. There are actually about 30 such companies that could combine such information.


I was feeling exceedingly proud of myself until the following day when my SO asks, "who did you buy the lace-topped thigh highs for, me or you? I of course admitted that they were for me--she doesnt wear "uncomfortable-lingerie-designed- for-men's-pleasure" So, she had me dead to rights, and proceeded to rant that SHE is the woman and the I am just a WANNABE and that SHE is the only one who can give birth and make MILK (yah, she actually said this).

Let me see if I got this right. You wife HATES wearing WOMEN'S CLOTHES, because they were "designed for men's pleasure", yet she claims that SHE is the WOMAN!

Meanwhile, you are the one who wants to wear the pretty feminine clothes, wants to be feminine, and wants to please your woman?

Sounds to me like a VERY ON SIDED RELATIONSHIP. You might want to point out to her that since she wants to cut your balls off by dressing like a boy, that she should probably be GRATEFUL that you want to be a "Sissy", and let her be in charge of it.

You obviously are NOT an "Alpha Male" - because otherwise you would have been TELLING HER how to dress. You would have told her that since she doesn't want you to wear the stockings, then it's her duty to wear them.

Keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with not being an alpha male, but it's a "package deal". If she wants the control, she needs to encourage your feminine side, not try to repress it. If she wants a macho stud bad enough, she should probably go out and find one, as part of an "Open Marriage". If it's set up in the right context, it could even be an experience that would be exciting for BOTH of you. Consider reading some of the books by Sarah Desmaris.


All I could do is just suck it up, give her a hug and kick myself for being such a bargain hunter that my discretion suffered. The moral of the story? Think about where the information about your buying habits are gonna go BEFORE you take advantage of these "rewards" programs.

You might really want to confront her control issues. Let her know that you'd be willing to give her that kind of control, in exchange for her support in feminizing you. Otherwise, you can keep pointing out the "one-way street" that seems to indicate that your wife is very selfish and uncaring about your needs. If you had a disease where you had less than a 50% chance of survival, such as Cancer, Diabetes, or a Heart Attack, would she want you to refuse treatment and let the disease kill you? (If she does, you know you are already headed for divorce). Then you point out that the suicide rate among transgenders is nearly 50% (actually more like 70-80% including both attempts and actual suicides). Would she want you to become an Alcoholic? or a Drug Addict? Would she want you to eat saturated fats, sugars, and salty foods - even after you had been diagnosed with diabetes, clogged coronary arteries, and strokes caused by high blood pressure?

Many transgenders engage in unconscious self-destructive behavior when their feminine side is suppressed by a loved one. In my own case, I gained over 100 lbs in less than 18 months, then lost 100 lbs when I started dressing as Debbie on a regular basis. I kept it off for 5 years while I was dressing and even getting real life experience for transition. When I had to quit dressing as part of a leadership program, I gained over 50 lbs in less than 3 months, and gained another 100 lbs over the next 18 months, topping out at over 330 lbs. I even had a heart attack. When I started dressing again, I lost 80 lbs. When I stopped dressing publicly after marrying my second wife, my weight shot up again, and I had a stroke. I started dressing again and lost 90 lbs.

When my wife realized that I wanted to transition, she told me she wasn't OK with that. 3 months later, I had mixed a cocktail of Prestone and Gatorade and was about to chug about a quart of the 50/50 mix when I was interrupted by a call from my daughter. I poured the deadly mix down the drain, and came home. When I told my doctor how close I had come, she told me that if I didn't go to the local psych ward of a nearby hospital within 20 minutes, she would call the police and have me arrested and taken there by force. I went to the hospital, where they did a complete blood work-up just to make sure that I hadn't actually DONE what I told her I was thinking of doing. I agreed to get therapy, go to more 12 step meetings, and do more 12 step work, as well as do some work at Landmark Education, so they released me after about 8 hours. The were considering a 72 hour hold.

You and your wife need to understand how serious this situation is, or could become. At this point, you are still young and reasonably healthy.

When you are forced, against your will, to repress your feminine side, it can trigger a "split". The feminine side can refuse to participate in your regular life, causing you to be more temperamental, more angry, and more at war with yourself. Your feminine side is a necessary part of your overall personality, and if you suddenly shut down that aspect of yourself, you can find that your ability to cope and to react appropriately to various situations can become so badly messed up that even work that you have loved and enjoyed doing can become a dreaded experience. The only times in my life that I have ever dreaded going to work have been times when I have tried to shut Debbie down.

Couples counseling could be a really good idea for both of you. At minimum, it would give you a referee who could help you and your wife look for a situation that is workable for both of you.

[Mollyanne]

It's a very sad situation when an SO calls what we do a "sickness". When one partner in a marriage "reminds" the other that only she can give birth or produce milk it's a crude reminder that we can't become the woman who lives inside us. It's hurtful !!!!!!

Molly

[donnalee]

On the number front, I just say unlisted. Or if they tried selling me a credit card, I would ask why would I want to pay some ridiculous percentage rate when my Amex is nearly free and my other cards are all sub 15% I used to bitch them out, but my wife would get mad, so the unlisted works the best.
Unfortunately, that doesn't help much these days. Almost all of those calls are successive dials with a large number of phones dialed at once; the only way to deal with these is to answer and count to 5. If no one answers by then, hang up immediately before they notice a hit. (I've had an unlisted phone for over 40 years.) The credit card is easy, either don't use it, or pay the balance in full each month, ala Amex.
If you are unwilling to give out infomation (my personal policy) here is no law saying it has to be accurate; one can always be "mistaken" about one or more digits or other info.
[QUOTE=DeidraDee63;3169335)Oh I do have a female waist/hip ratio, go figure..[/QUOTE]I do too, but unfortunatly, it's reversed!:daydreaming:

[Loni]

sad part is you do not even have to "join" a discount/loyalty program.
as loni only ordered one paper magazine. now each month i get three to four junk mail request to buy another mag. vacations, more discount programs, timeshares. cash loans, etc, etc, even auto insurance. (aaa, and progressive) now how did that work as she has NO DL.

all from just ONE (1) magazine subscription.

loni gets twenty to thirty junk mailings each week.

.

[mollycd99]

I'm less horrified by the breach of privacy than at your wife's deliberately hurtful response. Regardless of how she feels about CDing, that sort of venom would never be acceptable in a loving relationship.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with that.

[christym]

Hi Jillian,

I, for one, eagerly anticipate seeing pix of your beautiful self wearing your recently purchased nylons!

Dress on,

Christy

[vanitysumers]

once I ordered high heels from a store popular with cd's AND THEY JUST KEPT SENDING CATALOGS and the catalogs had very large shoe sizes advertised so large that it arouse suspension at my POST OFFICE BOX. for large packages you have to give the clerk a slip to retrieve your items.

once they had my name wrong and the post office had to open the package AND THEY DISCOVERED MY SECRET!

then after that I was getting so many women catalogs for lingerie, high heels, dresses and stuff THAT the clerk once asked me why and how do I get so many catalogs.

I have a storage that's as big as a bedroom full of women's clothes, heels, sandals, wigs and stuff

[Swottie]

Your problem is not with a department stor or a rewards program, your problem is with your relationship. If your SO hates your crossdressing and hates you for crossdressing, you have two choices:

1) Stop crossdressing.

2) End this relationship and find someone else to share your life with.


Well, in theory, there is a 3rd option of getting her to change how she feels about it all...

I must say I'm always wary of those reward programmes when I shop for anything girly. I sometimes forget and put my points card through though, I'm wondering when they will start sending us (yes we have joint reward cards) discount vouchers for lingerie to match those I've been buying. :)

[Krystalina]

"...just a hug and no arguing. All of the things she said are true of course..." But I wonder how many CD'rs when confronted with these truths then insist that they are the man in the relationship and so thier SO must wear dresses and skirts, paint thier nails, etc. and can't be male wannabes. I'm guessing none of us have said that ;-)

In all honesty, that would have been my response...which would have probably been the wrong thing, lol.