Living with DADT

[Wildaboutheels]

A recent post earlier today prompts me to ask.

There seems to be a sliding scale for DADT "situations". It's obvious from an earlier post that some deal with outright derision, hostility, insults and name calling. It's not simply a matter of out of sight, out of mind.

Obviously, CDers with mates of this attitude must otherwise have plenty of other redeeming qualities that make the Relationship worth it? It seems obvious that once any "bad dialog" is done with, they just completely drop it and move on?

[Karren H]

My situation may be unique but my wife doesn't stay mad long.... like not more that a few hours... so when ever my crossdressing comes up and it does.... were over it a little while later... its nice to know that based on past history I know what's going to happen.... so I don't get upset any more.... plus I'm remodeling the house for her... big time... so its like Don't... Ask Don't Tell... Build me a new Kitchen.... lol.

[kimdl93]

Interesting point. I do think there's quite a range...but my guess is that those DADT relationships which manifest outright hostility etc are not the healthiest of relationships, and the hostility towards CDing may reflect other, perhaps even deeper problems. At a minimum this indicates a real problem with constructive communications...nothing rare in marriages.

[~Joanne~]

I can't comment on a DADT relationship as I have never been in one and thankfully, don't ever plan on being in one either. It's either Fully out or fully closeted. I have noticed through recent posts also that the girls in DADT relationships do take a lot more abuse than they should as a human being.

It is abusive behavior whether they admit it or not on the wife/SO/GF's behalf. Just as they wouldn't appreciate it, nor condone it, neither should we. If we take the whole CDing out of the equation, they still look at us and treat us like our only and sole purpose is to provide and nothing more. Our wants, needs, and feelings are rarely taken into consideration.

This is why I am really grateful for my SO, she is NONE of this. This is, of coarse, just my opinion and a view I have been having lately.

[Marleena]

@ Karren. You're safe as long as you keep remodeling.:D

I'm not in a DADT, she knows too well what I'm up to. So it makes me think I better get more useful around the house too. lol.

[~Joanne~]

Marleena, build yourself a shoe rack for your heels ;) lol

[TGMarla]

I can say that for me, the benefits of having my wife as my partner in life far outweighs the burdens of our DADT situation, even now, when my opportunities to engage in crossdressing activities have been so severely curtailed. I love her, and she is far more important to me than crossdressing.

[Laura912]

Well, I too am remodeling the kitchen but could do it dressed and not have a problem. W, the spectrum of acceptance by SO's probably reflects the spectrum of human behaviors. Had I read some of the SO reactions on here before telling my wife, I probably would never have done so.

[Karren H]

@ Karren. You're safe as long as you keep remodeling.:D

I'm not in a DADT, she knows too well what I'm up to. So it makes me think I better get more useful around the house too. lol.

Living room is next.... I need to slow down.... lol

[Marleena]

Marleena, build yourself a shoe rack for your heels ;) lol

LMAO..Joanne somehow I don't think she'll be too impressed with that! Too much other stuff needs fixing around here. I better start earning my keep.:)

[Beverley Sims]

Mine is "What are you wearing now?"
If "they" are inquisitive and you are dressing in an interesting way, "they" want to know "whats next"?
"They" of course make up the other half of your relationship.

[kimdl93]

Living room is next.... I need to slow down.... lol

My wife and I are on the verge of a major remodeling - hmmmmmmmmmmm.

[I Am Paula]

I couldn't exist in any situation/relationship that put limits on my happiness. If it came down to DADT, something would have to give...
I'd miss her.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Hard to answer for everyone. Some really like to pretend it isn't there, even if they intellectually know it is. It isn't always fun, or easy, but really if you have a good marriage on all accounts, except for dressing, and you'e accepted that it really is very hard to find perfection in a marriage, you both learn to live with it. How long she gets mad can vary, sometimes its instant, sometimes you're going to hear about it for a while if you crossed whatever barrier she wasn't ready for. Like all things, its always all about mutual respect.

[DianeDeBris]

Living room is next.... I need to slow down.... lol

Karren - you don't want to run the risk of actually completing all the projects - so you need to find a way to make sure she sees how much you're working, every day or every week; and then you need to creep out at night and undo that day's work. Make it last as long as possible. Sort of a reverse Potemkin Village!

[DawnD]

I don't understand DADT. My mother is prone to sweeping things under the rug and it drives me nuts. I don't think I could ever survive in a relationship that forced half of the equation to hide such a big part of themselves for my own comfort. When I love someone, I love them. It comes down to the fundamentals for me. My husband is a good person. He is good to me. He is good to my children. Men's or women's clothing doesn't change that. Neither does the parts of his body. I love him. He would still be the same person to me if had breast augmentation, or if he transitioned.

The person he is has been shaped, in part, by what he has gone through to grow to who he is now. That includes his struggle with CDing. I don't feel it's my right as his wife to take that out of the equation. Who am I to tell another person how to be? When did I become more important than my partner's needs? I didn't. Who am I to judge what is right and what is wrong for another person? I may have struggled with my own femininity at times, but not once have I ever thought to tell him to hide.

My life is my life. I don't mourn for a normal life or a normal husband because I think the struggles and challenges of life help us grow as human beings. The way we treat one another is a direct reflection of our humanity. I support a person's right to explore, grow, and become self aware. If that makes me grow too, then all the better for me.

[Emogene]

On a lighter note, there as a Canadian show some time ago called the "Red Green" show; one of his standing jokes was "If women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy". Not strictly on subject but seems to fit the general conversation. Have a great night!

[I Am Paula]

Thank you DawnD. It's nice to hear the voice of reason from a GG every now and again. I feel to many members here, knowing that what they are asking of their SO's might be a little outside the norm, just cringe, and back off as soon as they get any kind of negative response. To me that sounds like living in fear of your SO. Not everybody that stands up and demands some rights is going to get everything they came for, but heck, at least you tried. DADT must be living hell, and is not a compromise but a complete surrender. Anyone who says "But my wife will never let me..." either hasn't tried, or hasn't tried hard enough.

Remember girls, as always, somebody has to be devil's advocate.

[Aly Cat]

My wife hates hates hates it. When I came out to her about my crossdressing back in January, she compared me to Soddom and Gamora from the Bible and said I was being immoral and what I was doing was a sin and wrong. At first, she thought I was doing it because she didnt dress feminine enough often enough and that it was my way of wanting her to do more. I explained to her that I had been doing it long before she ever came into the picture and that I would be most likely doing it the rest of my life. She then said that if she wanted to be married to a woman, then she would have. A lot of spiteful things were said that night and there were a lot of hurt feelings. Now, 3-4 months later, things have sort of died down a bit. She is still not accepting of what I do and shows a mild irritation towards me. She still refuses to see me in anything feminine and never has. I have tried to respect her wishes and not dress in womens clothing in front of her. I hate hiding though. Its really hard to know that we both share the same passions for fashion and could really have a blast with this, but due to religious views, she refuses to accept me. Now, I am a firm believer in the Bible and even graduated with an associates degree in Biblical studies, but Im fairly certain that Jesus gave us 2 commandments....Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. All other commandments fall under these. I didnt catch any judgement in those phrases at all. I hate how some people use religion as a front to disguise their fears. I just wish there was a way to ease their fears and help them live life abundantly and full of joy.

[mikiSJ]

Having been a licensed building contractor for 35 years, I can tell you the percentage of marriages that end during a custom home/major remodel may approach the percentage of marriages that fail once crossdressing becomes an issue.

Be very careful what your start, either with a hammer or a pair of heels.

[NicoleScott]

.....outright derision, hostility, insults and name calling.....

A relationship with these characteristics is not a good candidate for DADT.
Many people bash DADT as not working. Often the relationship that they describe as not working is not DADT. It works for those that make it work.
Crossdressing with a non-accepting mate can be difficult, and even more difficult is the marriage isn't solid otherwise.
DADT in a solid marriage doesn't have to be complicated:
- he has the need to crossdress, but recognizes his wife doesn't approve. She knows he does it, recognizing his need, but doesn't want to know about it, see it, or his girly things, pics, etc. He agrees to keep it away from her, and she doesn't ask or try to catch him or see his stuff. This takes some maturity, but the reward is that they can get on with other areas of their lives that make the relationship work. In the background, if one becomes unable to live with DADT, they need to discuss it, to prevent that derision, hostility, insults, and name-calling from sneaking in.

[Julie Gaum]

Many members have stated they were in a DADT relationship and a few have said that the couple, fortunately, finally outgrew and compromised to avoid having to hide the CD's activities for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately we can't put the unyielding ones in a time machine to see where they will be in twenty years. Will DADT relationships last while they grow old together? I have never read or heard of one couple who did but have no facts, only an opinion: If it ever did happen I would feel very sad for two wasted lives --- have been in a loveless relationship for 25 of a 52 year marriage and finally walked away. Should have done it so many years earlier but didn't have the guts, and inertia played a part too --- too easy to stay. The Forum has had many threads on the religion aspect --- Eva's wife needs a priest or rabbi who is knowledgable on the subject to explain how wrong she is or read past Forum threads on the subject. A gender therapist is badly needed in Eva's situation for without intervention to start a meaningful dialogue to find the root causes (It's not the Bible.) the hope for a "life full of joy" will never be achieved.
Julie
Julie

[Aly Cat]

There have been other things going on in our marriage that have made things rocky. Not just crossdressing. This past Saturday, my wife and I decided to try a few things. First, we are going to attempt to treat things as if we were dating again to try and rekindle some passion. Were going to give that a month or so to see how it goes. If things dont change or progress, we are going to seek marriage counselling to try and work things out. If it does not help, than we both know we did our best to work things out and try. On Saturday, I told her that I was basically giving it one more year before moving on so thats when she said she wanted things to work and offered these possible solutions. Its going to be really challenging though because CD'ing aside, we have many other issues to work through. We have always gotten along but more as friends than lovers. For the last 5-6 years, we have just been friendly roommates. That just wont do for me. I dont want to spend my life that way. I want something more for my life than that. We'll either get there or we wont. Regardless of what happens, life will go on and the world wont stop turning. My kids are the biggest thing I am worried about. I have two young boys 6 and 9 who will be affected. My goal is to let them know that no matter what happens, they will always be loved. Im still hanging on to that year though. Next month is our 10 year anniversary and i hope for 60+ more but we only live once and what is sadder than a life lived with no love?

[Eryn]

I'm looking in from the outside but I see DADT relationships to be analogous to the truce between the two Koreas. Yes, they live side by side but there is a continuous undercurrent that makes it very difficult for either party to be comfortable with the situation.

Particularly troublesome are those situations in which a third party is telling the partner what is right and what is wrong. Quite often more respect is shown to the third party than to the CDing partner and when that happens the chances of a reasonable accommodation become poor.

[~Joanne~]

I don't understand DADT. My mother is prone to sweeping things under the rug and it drives me nuts. I don't think I could ever survive in a relationship that forced half of the equation to hide such a big part of themselves for my own comfort. When I love someone, I love them. It comes down to the fundamentals for me. My husband is a good person. He is good to me. He is good to my children. Men's or women's clothing doesn't change that. Neither does the parts of his body. I love him. He would still be the same person to me if had breast augmentation, or if he transitioned.

The person he is has been shaped, in part, by what he has gone through to grow to who he is now. That includes his struggle with CDing. I don't feel it's my right as his wife to take that out of the equation. Who am I to tell another person how to be? When did I become more important than my partner's needs? I didn't. Who am I to judge what is right and what is wrong for another person? I may have struggled with my own femininity at times, but not once have I ever thought to tell him to hide.

My life is my life. I don't mourn for a normal life or a normal husband because I think the struggles and challenges of life help us grow as human beings. The way we treat one another is a direct reflection of our humanity. I support a person's right to explore, grow, and become self aware. If that makes me grow too, then all the better for me.

This is such a great set of statements and really tells of the type of person that you are. You are a strong woman, one that is not threatened by clothing of all things. Your Husband truly has been blessed and I am sure he knows this. Nobody should change who they are to please another in their short lifetime. If you can't find someone that loves you for YOU, CDing or not, then maybe your search hasn't ended.

CDing is such a minor thing, it harms no one.. How many times has it been brought up that most women cross dress daily without a word being said? We are all created equal but are we treated equal? Surely not.

The problem lies with society. Most of the wives in these DADT marriages and relationships have been born and breed to follow the pack, same as everyone else, instead of being a better person and seeing through all the BS that surrounds us every day in our daily lives and actually LIVING, we worry about what others think when they all think they are better than everyone else to begin with.

Don't get me wrong, If I didn't care what society thinks I would be out and about myself. Unfortunately I do but I am making strides to assure I get to where I want to be and not caring what they think about what I am wearing is one of them..


Particularly troublesome are those situations in which a third party is telling the partner what is right and what is wrong.

I agree with this statement 100%. Taking CDing completely out of it, I see this each and everyday almost in every relationship. Too many people think that everyone else should live, think, act, and believe in what they do when they aren't even in a great place themselves.

[NicoleScott]

I'm looking in from the outside but I see DADT relationships to be analogous to the truce between the two Koreas. Yes, they live side by side but there is a continuous undercurrent that makes it very difficult for either party to be comfortable with the situation.

If either party isn't comfortable with DADT, then it won't work. It works when both parties ARE comfortable with it. And there's nothing wrong with "comfortable", if it allows them to move along successfully with the other aspects of their marriage. Once again, DADT works for those who make it work.

[Stephanie47]

Frankly, a relationship between the husband and wife over cross dressing that entails outright hostility and name calling does not qualify as Don't Ask, Don't Tell. DADT requires the CDer does not flaunt his cross dressing in front of the wife, and, the wife does not express any affirmation or negative behavior about his cross dressing. My wife is not supportive, and, I do not intentionally bring it up. There have been on occasion slip up on my part by leaving out a pair of nylon panties and once a red bra. She picked them up and placed them on top of the washing machine out of sight. She told me she found them out and had placed them there. Nothing more was said.

As to why a CDer would hang around and take constant abuse and negative comments? Why do women stay in a marriage when the husband beats the shit out of her?

Yes, I think many women, who have a head on their shoulders, DO weigh the scales of the marriage. And, in the final analysis they come to the conclusion it's a part of him she does not understand.

When I went fishing with some buddies many years ago, all she said was "Go fishing! Just don't expect me to clean it!" It's been the same, although unspoken, "Go ahead and wear a dress. Just don't ask me to go along."

[Annette Todd]

It would seem to me that love is conditional... "I will love you as long as you conform to my opinion of the kind of person you should be."
Of course, I will soon have an ex wife (God and the court willing) and I am way past caring what she thinks anyway. It would seem to me that it should not matter what clothes we put on. It does not change the essential nature of the personality.

You may guess that I think DADT was outlawed for the military it should have no place in a marriage.

JMHO

Cheers

Annette

[grace52]

Let me start out by saying cd'ing is a big shock to your spouse. My wife and I have been together for 43 years and I have cd'ed virtuially all my life. Went through many years of dadt, but she accepted it and even on special occautions bought me some lingerie. But never had desire to see her man in a dress. We are each others best friend, we work together everyday. I used to travel to detriot and edison n.j. for buisiness and she neverminded packing my lingerie for trip. As with time and trust she know I was always coming home and would never do anything to upset her with dressing. As time went on I would sleep in nightgowns and she came around to feel comfortable. This does not happen overnight, we now are like teenagers all over again, life is too short for hate,as we both see loss of friends(DEATH) accepting cd'ing is a minor. LOVE and TRUST will prevail!!! peace and grace to all. Grace and Lucy

[NicoleScott]

You may guess that I think DADT was outlawed for the military it should have no place in a marriage.JMHO

DADT ws imposed by the military. The other side never wanted it, but didn't have much choice. DADT in a marriage is an agreement - between both sides - or it isn't DADT. Apples and oranges - they just share the name, unfortunately.

[Vanessa5]

My wife and I are best friends. That is all at this point. My coming out was the begining of DADT. Now I have to put up with her condesending tone and slights when she feels in the right. For me I want to stay married at least until my kids are out of the house. I feel like giving up and getting a divorce. In most of the DADT relationships here it seems there is compromise. There is none in my situation.

[genevie]

I'm sorry but these topics piss me off a bit. DADT. Really?

Your spouse married you and didn't expect:

1. You became a religious zealot.
2. You starting smoking and demanded to do it around her.
3. You started a hobby that required you be gone for long periods.
4. You want to be another sex for extended periods.

I could keep going. Marriage has some level of a contract. We expect that who we marry will be who we are married to. I know. We age. There are changes. But expecting her to just love you when you turn into a woman is expecting a lot. For those of you who are married to accepting wives. Fantastic. But really, it is expecting a lot. Your basic identity is wrapped up in our sex. "Now you want to change it?"

But you'll say, it's just clothes. How would you feel if she wanted to grow a beard?

Oh wait, my wife is going to call and tell me she is on her way home. That means I have to take a bunch of stuff off. She's worth that. That's what we committed to. But I also wish it were different. Maybe someday.

[WandaRae2009]

My wife and are currently in a DADT agreement. She doesn't want to see anything or participate. We were married over 25 years before my coming out. It was rocky shortly thereafter until we saw a gender experienced counselor. She pointed out that we are the same people today that we were before my coming out. She now knows that it is not something that can be fixed. She has set some ground rules, we have not had any big fights since. If I leave something out by accident, she will quietly put it with my things. She makes a point to call when she in on her way home if she thinks I may be dressed, and she will point out the kids schedules if she think one of them may come home and I may not expect. I would classify it as tolerant. I am hoping she will warm up a little more over time. She accepts that I epilate everything I can reach and she shaves my back. I actually think she likes the no hair.

I'm going to try Karen's trick this year and do the Kitchen.

[Aly Cat]

It looks like Vanessa and I are in the same exact situation. We are great friends with our wives but thats about it. She doesnt tolerate me dressing in womens clothing at all. She makes snide remarks if she sees me trying to push the boundaries. I have basically given it one year to figure out if things are going to work. My kids are still young so it really bothers me that they may have to go through this, but life is too short to settle for being unhappy.

[PaulaQ]

I'm currently doing DADT. I hope my wife will eventually come to accept this about me at some level. I don't really see DADT as a viable long term solution for us. I'm not sure I can emotionally handle feeling like I make my wife sad all the time, simply by being myself, particularly when I didn't ask for this. I'm not sure that our relationship, which is based on honesty, can survive long term based on deception, even a mutually complicit deception.

I really hate doing this - in some ways this feels worse to me thank trying to sneak without her knowledge. Because now, I know for sure she hates this, and if I do make a mistake and get caught, I'll hurt her terribly.

The sadness of all this is just terrible right now. This is not living, it's living-death for both of us.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Interesting points of view on this one, some very enlightening. Like everything else with dressing, it isn't easy to generalize or find a one size all solution for everyone. Some women are just completely turned off by dressing and no matter how hard you try, they are never going to like it. Others are much more like the GG's here, and see no problem. And every CD prioritizes their time and money differently, for some of us this isn't as important as it is for others. I don't have to deal with open hostility in every aspect of my life just because of dressing so I can't comment on that. But if you're marriage is very good in all respects except for dressing, you do have an outlet to dress when its necessary, and your wife supports everything you do with the caveat that she would rather not know about this part of you, DADT can work.

[Aly Cat]

Well, it finally happened. Living with DADT is no longer an option. My wife and I had a very long discussion about how yes, things have been getting better between us but crossdressing was something that hasnt changed or diminished. We talked for a long time and things did not go well. I was essentially given 3 options. First, to completely stop crossdressing all together and not pick it up again. Second, to divorce and and be who I am on my own. Third, to continue openly instead of privately and know that it is painful to her every time.

Well, I am not a D-bag and dont even consider the third a viable option. So that leaves me with two. Stay and stop, or leave and continue. Since she gave me this nice fancy ultimatum, I gave her one as well. If I stop, she has to dress for both of us, all the time, every day. All the things I WANT to be able to wear, she HAS to wear them. Oh, were not going anywhere tonight?? Looks like you still need to wear heels around the house. Since this has become such a "gender" issue, by God, shes going to be treated with the same "respect". Shes going to be the female...no more baggy sweatpants, no more tennis shoes or old tshirts. Not a chance. If Im changing a major part of who I am, then you better believe she will be too.

Later that day, I got to tell her all that. She agreed to some, but not all of it. So, sadly, I will not be dressing anymore. I feel my heart has literally broken and its hard to find joy throughout the day. But, if this is what she wants, this is what she gets. She can have her manly husband who doesn't give a crap about anything anymore. Maybe Ill even take up watching sports and get obsessed with it and drink beer all the time and be super "manly" for her. Ill bet shell love that.

I apologize for being so brash. I am still rather upset and heartbroken. She thinks that with this out of the way, we will have the opportunity to grow as a couple and Ill be the man Im supposed to be. Personally, I think this is going to backfire in her face like an old Blackpowder rifle. I think this argument/conversation we had has basically set the timer on the time bomb. Oh well. I will still visit crossdressers.com and try to participate; but no offense, it might be hard since I will be super envious of you guys. Having it on my mind will just make it that much harder to keep the sexy cute beast in his little box in the corner. GAH! I just feel like crying all the time now. This blows...

[UNDERDRESSER]

Oh Eva, so sorry for you, and your wife. You're right, this is not going to be what she thinks. It might though, help her to see the thing through your eyes. Maybe I'm an optimist...

Stay cool, ( as cool as you can ) think through as much as you can your behavior, your responses. Be honest above all. When asked why your response is so typically manly, say isn't that what you wanted? Oh, so, it's alright to have some, feminine in me? I don't know what you're like, but I know I am able to relax more when I can put on a skirt, not so much the skirt itself, but the fact that it is just completely accepted to do so, my GF's total acceptance of who and what I am, means everything is so relaxed around each other. In fact, the acceptance problem is more the other way for us. My GF is an extremely tough person ( mentally mostly, but she's no slouch physically ) She constantly amazes me with her accomplishments, and she is forever pushing further. It is sometimes hard for me to not feel small when she does some of these things, there is an automatic feeling that "I" should be the one being the leader. Letting that feeling go, is a constant struggle, though the reflex is getting less pronounced. I have to remember, Her strengths do not make my weaknesses. Getting your wife to understand that being softer sometimes, does not mean you are always that way, you can be her shield if she needs one, just as in other ways she can be your shield or support when needed. A good marriage is one that buttresses and strengthens the other partner. Every partnership needs to work out who, what, when, and it can change.

[NicoleScott]

Eva Lynn, you have no obligation to choose between bad choices, just because you are issued an ultimatum. You have a fourth choice - continue to dress, in private.
I'm not a fan of the "I'll dress like a man but you have to dress like a woman" arrangement. What good is it if neither of you are happy?
Divorce? Sadly, some women simply cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband.

[Aly Cat]

Believe me, I not a huge fan of the whole Ill dress like a man you dress like a woman thing either. I know I sounded angry earlier and part of that was just venting. When I talked to her about things, I basically worded it as in....listen, I need your help with this. If Im not going to be allowed to do this on my own, I want to see it everywhere. No, its not going to be the same. Yes, its going to be terribly hard to actually do this...and I explained why it was going to be hard and all that. And in all honesty, she didnt like the idea. She was saying...so your telling me I will need to dress up every day regardless of whether I am going anywhere or not?? I just explained, listen...you're not dressing up for no reason. I am your reason. Just like YOU are my reason for not dressing anymore. I am doing this for you. She was like...I dont want you to do it for me, I want you to do it for you! I told her this isnt like a drug where if I dont stop, Im damaging myself with negative health effects. I personally dont think there is anything wrong with it and this is a major sacrifice to her and for our marriage. I worded it the best I could in the kindest manner I could. I was terribly unhappy and terribly hurt the whole time and now I feel like I have this giant empty space in my chest. I dont think the end result will be what she was hoping for or expecting, but Im going to just have to take it one day at a time. As or right now though, I feel like I am suppressing a major part of who I am. It sucks.

[PaulaQ]

I dont think the end result will be what she was hoping for or expecting, but Im going to just have to take it one day at a time. As or right now though, I feel like I am suppressing a major part of who I am. It sucks.

Eva Lynn, I feel for you, and I can appreciate that your wife doesn't like, understand, nor approve of your CD. But it sounds like this is a part of your identity, and your attempts at stopping it are liable to fail eventually. (Or it is likely to really screw you up - that's certainly been my personal experience, both in terms of failing to stop, and in terms of terrible, terrible problems I've had from trying.) So in the first place, I'd encourage you to not make a promise you are apt to break, and possibly hurt yourself trying.

Ask your wife this - would she ask you to cut off your left hand to prove your love for her? Because that's in essence what she's asking.

[Julie Gaum]

To those with DADT that is not mutually accepted by both but rather breeds only tension I turn to wise words of Confucius, he said:
"It is much better to want the mate you do not have than the mate you do not want.'
Postponing the inevitable until the kids fly the nest is a fool's dillusion --- make no mistake they feel the hostility more, and does more damage to their psyche when parents stay together in that atmosphere.
Julie