is telling ok?!

[rah]

is telling your girlfriend alright? i mean she can use this secret against you if you break up or if she wants to wake up. what you think?

[Courtneigh]

She should definitely know. ..asap.

[boink]

Being open and honest with your partner is definitely okay. I am. You are right to consider the many possible consequences of coming out, but in general I've found the good far outweighs the bad for me.

[Tracii G]

Depends on the type of person she is and how committed you are to each other.
If you feel this is a long term relationship yes tell her.
Her breaking up over it may happen so be ready to take some heat.

[mollycd99]

If you're planning on any kind of a life together, or even think it's a possibility, then yes, you should. Yes, "coming out" is a risk, and a vulnerability. It works out well for some, not well for others. I worried more about the risk of being rejected than being blackmailed. The way I see it, is that if it ends the relationship, which it does for some, then probably better sooner than later. And if not, the feeling of being able to share it with someone loving & accepting is more than worth the risk.

I'll also say that how you tell makes a difference. Dan Savage says that disclosing a kink or a sexual preference (which is analogous enough to CDing) shouldn't be treated like it's terrible news. You're not telling her you have cancer. Heck, if you've enough chutzpah, you can spin it like a positive! "Guess what, we can have great fun shopping together!"

[~Joanne~]

A GF? No, I wouldn't. Especially if you have just started this relationship and don't know her all that well. Once the cat is out of the bag, there's no way to put it back in. Take your time and really get to know this person first. see how she views things in life and so, then if you feel you can trust her (and it takes awhile to build trust) and really want to share this with her then by all means.

If after you tell her, she breaks up with you, then I guess you have to wait and see where the chips will fall but at the very least, you know what kind of person she REALLY is and are better off for it.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

While honesty is the best policy, we have to be careful about who we trust with our "deep dark secret." It can be risky. The best advice I can give is to get a feel for her attitudes about many things including our lifestyle and go from there. Build on many positives about the rest of the relationship. I hate to give this advice but what "IF" you said, "What would you think of me if I told you I like to crossdress?" You might say it with a laugh. I think you'd find out soon enough. I disclaim any responsibility for any negative outcome. You're on your own.

I was honest with the wife I'm married to today. I took a similar approach. Above all, if you're going to hide it and get deeper into a relationship, I feel you'll possibly have bigger problems later especially with issues about trust which is the essential ingredient in any relationship.

Cheryl Ann

[2B Natasha]

If you're planning on any kind of a life together, or even think it's a possibility, then yes, you should. Yes, "coming out" is a risk, and a vulnerability. It works out well for some, not well for others. I worried more about the risk of being rejected than being blackmailed. The way I see it, is that if it ends the relationship, which it does for some, then probably better sooner than later. And if not, the feeling of being able to share it with someone loving & accepting is more than worth the risk.


I'll also say that how you tell makes a difference. Dan Savage says that disclosing a kink or a sexual preference (which is analogous enough to CDing) shouldn't be treated like it's terrible news. You're not telling her you have cancer. Heck, if you've enough chutzpah, you can spin it like a positive! "Guess what, we can have great fun shopping together!"

I agree with Molly. Nearly 100%. Honesty is not only the best policy but the only policy I have come to learn.

I disagree almost 100% with both Joanne and Cheryl Ann Owens. Hiding is no way to enter a relationship.

Sure. There is always a risk. But that is the same as in everything.

[Karren H]

When in doubt.... don't tell her.... and it's ok.. as long as you can convince her some day that not telling isn't the same thing as lying! If you can do that then you are golden!

[IngeInCO]

A slippery slope for me on this one. How serious is the relationship? I am always an advocate of honesty, especially if you see the relationship growing. However if you aren't sure I wouldn't tell and see how things progress. I'd be guarded.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Natasha, I hope I wasn't mis-understood. I don't believe in hiding I believe in full disclosure especially with the sensitivity of beginning a relationship and committment to be honest with the person you love.

Cheryl Ann


I agree with Molly. Nearly 100%. Honesty is not only the best policy but the only policy I have come to learn.

I disagree almost 100% with both Joanne and Cheryl Ann Owens. Hiding is no way to enter a relationship.

Sure. There is always a risk. But that is the same as in everything.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I probably wouldn't tell someone on the first date, but when I knew it was to the point of getting serious I would. If I could redo it all I would have told my wife day 1. If you feel like going through a ton of crap cause you were too chicken to tell her in the beginning read my signature. Cause there was a lot of crap to get her to a descent point of tolerance.

[kimdl93]

It's not just ok, it essential if you want to build a lasting relationship.

[mollycd99]

A better question might be -- WHEN do you disclose?

It's not a first-date sort of thing, to be sure. But also probably should be told before you get engaged (let alone wed)! So ... when? I suppose it should be around the time things get "serious" - however you choose to define that. It probably also will vary with how deeply in the closet you are and/or how important your need to dress is. If you're a serious dresser, like/want to go out, or think you might actually be TG, you're going to want to disclose much earlier, because we all know you'll never stop and it WILL come out, and sooner is better. If you just get an occasional transgressive or sexual thrill from wearing something silky in the bedroom, then you may choose to hold your secret a bit longer - the urgency of sharing that information just isn't there.

[mikiSJ]

or if she wants to wake up.

Unless you just want to practice your "talk", I would at least wait until she's awake.

(Sorry, had to do it!!!)

[Stephanie47]

This is the meat of the question. When do you tell? How do you gauge when that time comes? I understand the point Karen is making. The issue also arises concerning 'damage control.' Not every woman is just going to say, "Yuck, I can't go for that! It's time to break it off, but, I'll keep that little secret!" Basically, the man is at the mercy of the woman.

Fast forward several years or decades and the wife finds out "THE BIG SECRET." I accept the premise that is lying by omission. And, I've seen some posting where the wife has allegedly said she wishes she knew so she could wholehearted participate in his cross dressing.

But, realistically, how many woman are of that opinion. Basically, you see more posts of people in a "Don't Ask, Don't Telll" relationship. I've probably asked this question several times, "If you the woman, considers the omission of this fact as lying, not revealing the truth about a material fact, had you known 'How would that have changed your relationship?"

In the real world the reaction that I have seen or heard about is "I would not have become involved with him, and, I would not have married him." Societal pressure seems to trump romantic feelings most of the time. It's only after many years of realizing the qualities of the man that the woman accepts that part of him.

If you have any doubts about revealing yourself, it's best to move to a city of several million inhabitants so your circle of friends and acquaintances is numerous. If the revelation does blow up, then you can move to another block.

And, that initial reaction of acceptance may not last past the 'puppy love' stage of the revelation.


When in doubt.... don't tell her.... and it's ok.. as long as you can convince her some day that not telling isn't the same thing as lying! If you can do that then you are golden!

[Jenniferathome]

is telling your girlfriend alright? i mean she can use this secret against you if you break up or if she wants to wake up. what you think?

If you are concerned about your GF trashing you or blackmailing you then you are not in a relationship where you can tell her... YET. When your relationship becomes serious you can tell her.

[Angela Campbell]

I would think the decision to tell someone you are dating would depend heavily on the person you are dating. If they are fairly open, and there is reason to think she would not freak out then it may be a good idea. If it is not really serious, or if the other person is a gossip and talks about other people a lot then think hard before telling them.

It is not always the best thing to be 100% honest with someone, quite the contrary. You should only be 100% honest with those you can trust.

Then again you probably should not get serious about someone you do not trust and really shouldn't get serious with someone who could not accept this as part of you.

I would tell someone I was dating under these circumstances

1 If I had some reason to think she was open to it. I would have to make sure first.

2 I would have to trust this person enough to tell them something they could easily use to hurt me if they so chose to do. A person like this is difficult to find, and most are not like that.

3 I would have to know something very intimate about this person that no one else knows, maybe several things so I know they trust me.

If both of the first two were not ok I would not get serious with this person.

[~Joanne~]

I disagree almost 100% with both Joanne and Cheryl Ann Owens. Hiding is no way to enter a relationship.



That's fine, we aren't all going to agree all the time but I stand behind my advice As I feel it's solid. This girl is obliviously in a state of being unsure since she took the time to ask and unsure will get her into a lot of trouble if she tells and her GF goes running a screaming about her new revolution. I am sure the OP wants to avoid this.

I did state if she was sure that she won't tell the world that she should and I certainly would if it was getting serious. One of the advantages of accepting yourself as a CD or TG is, if you can do it before you go into a relationship, you can tell your GF right away but most of the girls in this community didn't hit that point until well into their relationship if they hit that point ever and we read about the results of that daily here.

while she's at it why not give this girl her bank account numbers and everything else. Same concept in my eyes.

[genevie]

Only tell if you are okay with many others knowing about it if you break up. If you are sure you will not break up, or you are fine with everyone knowing, tell her. In my experience, everyone tells the new person everything about the old person.

[I Am Paula]

If you decide to tell her (I think you should), don't ever be enough of a shmuck that if the relationship goes south, she has reason to trash you.

[PaulaQ]

In general, I agree with Joanne on this - if you wouldn't trust her with your bank account number, yeah, don't trust her with this, either.

@rah - there are several pertinent facts you haven't really given us, so it's hard to give you anything but kinda random advice with our best guesses built in.
1. How long have you two been dating?
2. Is it serious, or likely to be serious?
3. How open and accepting does this girl seem to be?
4. Is she in your workplace, or other social situation where you'll see her, and she'll interact with others you know should the relationship go badly and she decides to "out" you in spite?
5. How "out" do you want to be to the rest of the world? (You seem worried about this, so we can guess "not out at all.")

I'm sure there's other factors I've neglected to think of.

For example, if you met her through an internet dating site, she knows NOBODY you know, and you aren't THAT worried about others knowing anyway, then hey, tell her now, and save some time. She'll either be OK with it - in which case, awesome, or she'll dump you in horror. Either way, you save time. On the other hand, if this is your bosses daughter, and it's your first date, then you'd be insane to tell her, at least until you knew her better!

The only hard and fast rule I'd really have for this is that if you think the relationship is getting serious, and you really think you might have a future together, then you really need to tell her. Don't wait until you've been married a few years - that is the worst mistake ever...

[Beverley Sims]

When you start to share your bank account with her that is the time to tell.
If it is only a casual relationship, do not bother.

[MsJanessa]

Depends on the type of person she is and how committed you are to each other.
If you feel this is a long term relationship yes tell her.
Her breaking up over it may happen so be ready to take some heat.

ditto---for a long term relationship, better to tell her sooner than later--although your OP suggests that maybe this is not a serious relationship yet----you have to decide in which direction the relation ship is going---if it seems serious then you should tell her---but be prepared for a problem--she may not accept it---if so, then its better to know that now then down the road after marriage, kids, etc.

[Brittany CD]

You really should. Keeping secrets are not good in a relationship. That's the negative part of being a crossdresser

[Vickie_CDTV]

You have an ethical obligation to tell her if the relationship gets serious. She has a right to know before making a large emotional investment, and certainly before she agrees to make any lifetime commitments.

That said, yes, it is certainly possible that she could use that information against you in the future if you break up; it depends on your life circumstances, job, family etc.

So, to put it in a nutshell, you must tell her eventually, but you must also make sure your partner is trustworthy, honorable...and sane, so choose any potential partner very carefully.

[Blossym]

I'm with Vickie on this - a healthy relationship is built around trust, and you owe it to her and yourself to be honest about your life, especially if the relationship is/will be serious. It can become more difficult later on to open up - say your relationship reaches a 5 year mark and you tell her then - she may feel her conception of who you are has been a lie even if that's not what you meant. And as far as "using it against you" goes, I feel like someone would be more prone to do that if they held a grudge against you for not being open with them.

There really is not correct answer for this situation, but I believe honesty, when possible, is always te best policy.

[Mermaid]

I'd say it depends on a few things.

How comfortable are you with it yourself, and the idea that other people could know?
How committed is your relationship? Do you see it as a long-term/life-long thing, or a short-term fling?

Telling your partner sooner than later is usually best in my opinion. As a GG it was hard on me knowing that he had kept a secret this big for almost 7 years. I was completely accepting of everything except for the omitted "lie."

But it all boils down to your comfort level and your feelings. It is your "secret" so you have the ability to hide or share it. Do what is best for you.

[CD_blue]

It depends on where you two are at relationship wise. When you say you worry they could use it against you it makes me ponder how trusting of this person you are and also leads me to think that not being found out by others is important.

It can be hard but I think like most members that you should be honest about it before getting too deep into the relationship (aka she needs to know before you move in/get engaged/get married).

I am getting married soon but if I was single, and was dating all over again I would be straight up honest from the start. With that said that mind set I think was planted from the support I seen with my SO. Also with me... should I get found out by the entire world it would be hard but think I could handle it. That might not be your case. I am just lucky enough to be in position where would not effect my social life or professional life to any extreme which might not be your case.

[jillleanne]

And the downside to that is what?

[lingerieLiz]

I wouldn't advertise it on the first date. When things start to blossom by all then tell her. You don't want to force her to accept you latter. If she tells others afterwards accept it and life will go on.

You have not committed a crime. We all have our own kinks so treat it for what it is. And, understand that she may have her own preferences. If she finds that she is not interested in being with you accept it. It is better to have loved and lost than live in hell.

[Peach]

My advice is to be open and honest as soon as you can. I told my girlfriend right from the start, laid everything on the table and she accepted me for who I am. This was essential to me as I only believe in dating if the girl could be the one and I wanted to know early on if it was okay.

We have been dating for 8 months so far and I am thankful every day for being brave and bringing it up when I did. We get to have girly time together, paint each others toe nails, dress up and share clothes daily.

[nevarrie]

I found it was easier for me to date after I became comfortable with who I was and willing to let other people know. I did not scream out loud that I wear women's clothing but if someone found out it did not bother me. I found it was better to be up front about it early on. My wife knew even before we started dating, and we have been married 11 years now.

If you are not comfortable with who you are then it is harder to say when you should tell. I know it was easier for me then I was not trying to hide part of me from the people around me.

[sometimes_miss]

There are numerous threads about this, but if you want a long term relationship eventually she's probably going to find out anyway. Of course, chances are good she's going to end the sexual relationship with you and you're going to become at best friends, at worst, she'll be furious with you for 'fooling her' into believing you're a normal man (that was my experience, along with being blackmailed during the divorce for all of our assets).

Good luck, Rah. You're going to need it. Seems crossdressing is a huge deal breaker for the vast majority of women when it comes to choosing a mate. The easiest way to find out is to go to dating forums and ask the women there if they'd like to date a crossdresser, because you're not going to get unbiased answers about it here; here, you're going to get wishful thinking responses and answers from some men who still have wives that are o.k. with it. But overall, that's not reality. YMMV.

[Sabrina133]

Completely agree with Molly. Its a matter of when you tell not if you tell. If you do get serious and you don't tell, it will always be a wall between you and thats not healthy. When you do tell, if she rejects you or breaks up with you, then your life together would have been very rough as you would always hold it against her that you cant be yourself.