The children...

[DawnD]

My SO and I do not have any children together, but I have two teenagers. My daughter is the only one who lives with us. My SO is out to her (and just recently everyone else we know), and she has been one of his biggest supporters. She likes to shop for him, and is fiercely defensive of his right to be who he is. Has told her friends, none of which have disowned her. I believe it has made her a stronger person. Yes, she's a great kid. My son also knows, and is ok with it too.

What I'm wondering is, how many of you girls are out to your children? If you're not, why not? I know some of you aren't even out to your SO, so I get why you wouldn't be out to your children. I am just curious.

[Kali]

I'm not out to my adult children because, while they would be very unlikely to have an issue with it, they would eventually let this information slip to my exceptionally vindictive ex-wife (who is an ex for many reasons, none of which include this, and has been an ex for more than a decade).

She would go out of her way to cause problems for me, any way she could.

[Allison Chaynes]

I have two kids under the age of ten. I also live in the Bible Belt. I am NOT or ever really planning to be, out to them as at their current ages it will confuse them, plus there's that whole repeating everything they see and hear thing to worry about. It would cause a lot of problems with both of our families and I do not see it worthwhile as this point.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

What I'm wondering is, how many of you girls are out to your children? If you're not, why not? I know some of you aren't even out to your SO, so I get why you wouldn't be out to your children. I am just curious.

Hi Dawn. No, the kids don't know. They are too young to understand. Maybe some day. I view this as a private activity with my wife.

[2B Natasha]

I'm not out to my adult children because, while they would be very unlikely to have an issue with it, they would eventually let this information slip to my exceptionally vindictive ex-wife (who is an ex for many reasons, none of which include this, and has been an ex for more than a decade).

She would go out of her way to cause problems for me, any way she could.

Unfortunatly. I can second this sentiment. My child would ask a few questions then it would be ok with him. My ex. She would go bat s#*t crazy. Doing everything in her power and influence to make life hell for me. Mostly. Trying to keep my son away from me. She seems to think he is a blunt force tool to try and bear me with. BTW. His not.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I have three kids, one with the current who is only 2, and a 15 yo girl and 12 yo boy whom I have full custody of. My daughter and I are very very close and have debated telling her a few times as I think she already knows since I find my jeans in her room all the time. My son I have no interest in telling. I'm pretty hesitant to tell them because i know their friends and wouldnt want them ostercised, esp. my son and also because I coach and am band dad and on PTO.

[boink]

Congrats on raising some awesome kids, Dawn!

I'm "out" to our son...I put that in quotes because he's 4 months old...so it's not like he really understands. But in any case we were both very much in favor of being out to our kid(s) and took a lot of steps to make sure that could happen (including coming out to a bunch of other close family members). Personally I don't think it's anything to hide or be ashamed of, and I have no fear of anyone finding out via my children. I want them to grow up knowing that trans is a-okay.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

It happened somewhat just the opposite for me. I have two 30-something daughters. They pressed the issue with my ex as to why we got divorced. I believe my 30-something step daughter also knows because girls talk. LOL! None have really said much but one did tell me what she knew, and it's okay. I just found this out. Nothing has really changed. At least they know, and hopefully understand. They are all off dealing with their own lives anyway.

Cheryl Ann

[Kali]

Personally I don't think it's anything to hide or be ashamed of, and I have no fear of anyone finding out via my children.

Please don't assume that if we choose not to be out to certain people that it has something to do with being ashamed or thinking that being trans is something to hide.

[DawnD]

Wow, thankyou all for being so open with me. Like I said, I have ex's too. Neither one of them are in a position to do anything to me presently, but that doesn't mean that they haven't pulled that crap in the past. I know how vindictive, spiteful, and mean ex's can be. Escpecially ex in-laws. Do you think that growing up knowing makes a difference? Makes it ok just because that's just the way you are. I did worry a little when my SO came out to everyone that my daughter would be ostracized. Luckily, they were all teenagers. We sat a couple of them down and talked to them. I also told them that I fully expected them to have her back if people made problems for her at school. They all agreed.

[CD_blue]

My fiance and I have had this discussion on what to do should we decide to hatch out a baby. I pretty much cross dress at home 24/7. Not full blown make up, wig, etc etc but say if I am just lounging around I will be wearing something like leggings/female top/ and keep my toe nails painted. Also in the outside world I wear some women's tops that aren't too obvious, and only wear women's jeans now. So it's not really dressing up anymore, rather it just is way life is.

We decided once the child is born nothing will change far as my dressing goes. With that said once they go to school I am not sure how things would happen. I wouldn't want my child to get hassled at school over choices I make. Example: They have friends over when they are 8/9 years old I think would make sure not to have on make up, socks on, and be dressed where their friends wouldn't ask questions.

I think big variable would be where we live, school they go to, etc etc. Overall though nope, nothing would change.

[Marcia Blue]

I have three adult sons. The oldest does not know and my wife is against him knowing. The middle son knows, along with his wife, and both are supportive. My youngest also knows. He is transgender also. I did not tell them till they were adults, but never doubted, they would not be supportive.

[Persephone]

I "came out" to my son when he was around 12. He is now 24.

I'm never really sure that it was the best option for him, but my spouse and I went ahead with it. He has been very accepting from the beginning. He has told quite a number of his friends and they are all fine with it. I've been places en femme with him and his friends several times. He has also introduced me as his Aunt to several of his other friends who have spent dinners and evenings with my spouse and I and still remain unsuspecting that the Aunt they were with has an unusual past.

Last night my spouse and I, my son, one of his best friends, and the friends parents and his brother had dinner together. We've known the parents for many years but this was the first time they met me en femme. We had a lovely evening and the parents suggested that we (they and my spouse and I) get together for dinner next month.

Hope that helps.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Tracii G]

Both my Daughters are grown 35 and 30 married and out on their own and don't know.
I see no need to tell them.My ex ( not my kids Mom) she knows and is OK with it.

[Vanessa5]

I am not out to any of my kids. Right now they are in their teens and may or may not understand. The one other thing I believe that if they knew they may share with their friends and have the possibility of hurting those friendships (ie getting bullied). Funny thing is that my 13 year old shows all the traits that I had/have. I think when he is old enough he will also be cd/trans. By that time I hope my wife has some semblence of tolerance for this.

[Bree Wagner]

My kids are simply too young at 4 and 8 months. I'm sure they'll learn eventually and I hope to do it on our terms rather than them finding out by accident. With my career they need to be old enough to understand that some things discussed in the wrong setting could have very severe consequences. If I wasn't in this career it'd be a lot easier and the 4 year old would probably already know.

The challenge really is that I won't lie to them about anything. It wouldn't be fair to them to teach them to be open and honest and then blatantly not practice what I preach. So, it could come up earlier than I'd like. Especially when they start snooping in the closet and wonder why the clothes are such different sizes!

It's always good to read these threads and get more ideas and advice! :)

-Bree

[Emjay]

I am also in the "not out to my child" column...... for now. I have debated telling her for some time now and probably will at some point, when is the big question. I think she will be fine with it but like so many others here have said, I don't want my ex finding out. I don't really think she'll cause trouble for me and honestly I could care less if she tries but I don't want her giving my daughter any trouble over it either. She's one who likes head games and I want no part of it for me or my daughter.

Maybe it's just an excuse but it's something I have to consider.

[Emma Leigh]

I have 5 kids between the ages of 33 and the youngest is 11...I had no intention of telling any of them.. but the youngest 2 know cos I didnt realise that a camera stores memory and hides it away if you put a memory card in it and if your memory aint that good and you didnt delete your pics!!!..anyway when they looked at some pics they had taken of their pet Guinea pig..oh dear...I,d rather they didnt know..but they dont seem to be too bothered about it to be honest

[mollycd99]

I wrote about this recently in the SO's forum, but I'm not out to the kids (ages 2-10) and for the foreseeable future won't be. Since I'm "closeted" to the rest of society, meaning my job, circle of friends, extended family, I feel that means I must stay closeted to the kids, too. If I tell them, and ask them to not tell anybody it just burdens them and drags them into the closet with me. Also, I don't think it's right or safe to ask children to keep secrets (plus, they won't anyway!).

If, and this is a big if, I ever came out more publicly, then I would tell them. I've read that the earlier the kids know the easier it is for them to accept it.

[Being Paige]

I have two daughters and they both know.

[Miriam-J]

We have two children: my wife's 29 year old daughter who has never lived with us in our four years together, and my 20 year old son who lived with us until recently. We've told neither, but for very different reasons not related to general principles.

Since the daughter is rarely a prominent part of our lives and lives over an hour away, there's been no reason to tell her. Besides, she's not open to a lot of lifestyles, has little respect for secrecy and discretion, and has never really liked me.

It's been more tempting with my son, and would have made it easier while he was living with us. He's very open to other lifestyles and has a strong respect for secrecy and discretion, but he's had to deal with a lot of "stuff" in his life and doesn't need this complexity. I expect someday to share this with him, but that'll have to wait until he's ready for it.

Miriam

[bridget thronton]

Out to my daughter (24), son (28), daughter in law (27), son in law (26)

[Barbara Maria]

I have two wonderful daughters,both grown women.We're very spread out now so,sadly,I rarely see them,so there's no reason they need to know,though I doubt if either of them would have a problem with it.Besides,if I told them it would just be a matter of time before the whole family knew,and I can't have that.Too bad,'cause when I'm dressed my older daughter and I could pass for twins.I'll bet we could have some fun with that.Barbara Maria

[noeleena]

Hi,

Jos & i have 3 grown up adults 34 k 36 n 37 c , with 9 grandkids & two more on the way, they all know & have done for many years, Dejarn was with Jos & i for a lot of the time so we went every where camps outings & what ever , she is 10 y 5 m. theres very little she does not know about us, grown up with us,

Jos & i have known each other for 39 years, Dejarn is Kaylyns ( 34 ) daughter the ? ,
for us is not who knows its who does not know,

...noeleena...

[MissTee]

Not out to mine. Don't want to or intend to be. Conservative family, bible belt living, dubious handling anticipated if I "shared," I think my middle daughter knows, my oldest suspects, but I will let them form their own conclusions of what's best for them to think. Not sure what I'd do if they ever directly asked me. Would likely just be honest. In the end, I'm in man mode most of the time, in Dad mode all of the time. What I chose to wear is simply a very small part of our lives.

[mikiSJ]

I have two adult children, both living at home and my son is married with his wife occupying a mini-apartment in the house.

I have not told either of my kids although I suspect my daugther (35) knows. She is an actor of some repute and would likely embrace "dad in a dress".

My son (46), by his previous comments and sighs when a CDer or TSer comes on the TV would be very difficult to tell him of my dressing. His best friend from high school to now had a CDing father who self medicated HRT. He didn't tell his family and it was only when the coroners report was read did they find out about the father's CDing.

[boink]

Please don't assume that if we choose not to be out to certain people that it has something to do with being ashamed or thinking that being trans is something to hide.
Oh no, I don't make that assumption I just meant that in general terms I don't think any of us should see trans issues as shameful, and therefore something not to share with children. There are a select handful of people that my wife and I have decided to explicitly not come out to for a number of reasons, so I understand that fully. And I understand that not everyone has a work/family situation that allows them the chances I have.

[Sissy_in_pink]

Both my kids 1 male 25 and 1 female 22 know about my crossdressing as well as my exwife, I also have a close female friend who also knows. Both my kids have known since they were little, my daughter was quite ok with it untill her mother found out, now she wishes I would stop, but it is only because her mother poisoned her mind about it.

As far as I am concerned if we want the world to except us then we must start with our children, our children will then pass their exceptance on to there children who will then pass it on to their's and so on. If you do it right and explain to them that not everyone will understand, then your secret should be safe.

[Pretty Nails]

My kids are simply too young at 4 and 8 months. I'm sure they'll learn eventually and I hope to do it on our terms rather than them finding out by accident. With my career they need to be old enough to understand that some things discussed in the wrong setting could have very severe consequences. If I wasn't in this career it'd be a lot easier and the 4 year old would probably already know.

The challenge really is that I won't lie to them about anything. It wouldn't be fair to them to teach them to be open and honest and then blatantly not practice what I preach. So, it could come up earlier than I'd like. Especially when they start snooping in the closet and wonder why the clothes are such different sizes!

It's always good to read these threads and get more ideas and advice! :)

-Bree

How is the overlord career coming along? I was not aware that the College of World Domination had a problem with crossdressing :) When you seize power you should fix this.

My job is kind of like this - the people I work with would not (note I said would, not could) wrap their head around my other self. Also, I have no desire to dress at work, at least in reality, because its just not practical. Full outness would just complicate my career and maybe even jeopardize my job.

My kids don't know because my wife and I decided that they are too young and I think she just wants it that way. I think that my youngest, she's 8, knows more than she realizes because Daddy has been painting his toenails for a long time. I also paint my fingernails when I'm just hanging around the house - even if I can only wear it for a few hours or less. There's also all of those shoe boxes on my side of the closet - pictures of the shoes right on the box. And the fact that Dad knows a lot about make-up. The older one, she's 11, maybe suspects too but she's wrapped up with her stuff and her friends - I don't think she notices as much.

To be honest I would like to tell my kids, they may tell their friends and such, but I have to respect the pact with my wife. Maybe later. Sometimes I do wish I would just be outed by accident - force the issue and get it over with - but I will not take steps to fake the "accident".

I do love these threads as they make me see other sides of the coin.

[jandebs]

I 'half told' my two kids, now 26 and 30, about a year after their mum died, when my daughter was 9, and my son 13. After my wife died it was like a floodgate opening. I felt crazy continuing to suppress everything when it turned out life could be over so easily. And my wife's clothes fitted, which sounds macabre but there ya go. She had some lovely italian shoes… I subdued any overt dressing in front of the kids to varying degrees but it was all fairly inevitable. And I'd suddenly found myself in a much more 'mumsy' role anyway, living and caring for the kids in a way that just wasn't open to me when I was out working and being husband.

I was still fairly screwed up about it all internally and my kids cornered me in the bedroom one evening, after I'd turned up the stereo full whack to disguise my sobs. After half an hour of persistent questioning I gave in and said I had a 'bit of an Eddie Izzard thing going on'. We were, and still are big fans. I think one of my main motivations telling them was that my own parents' attitude towards me wearing my sis's clothes as a kid caused a lifelong pattern of deceit and I just wanted honesty with my own.

I can't say the journey with them has been easy. I never showed up at their school in a dress or anything, and I waited until they were on their way out of the family home in their late teens before going full time. But inevitably they were there as I slowly transformed and there were ups and downs. My daughter borrowed my heels when she landed the Tallulah part in the school revue, and nicked my White Linen perfume until I started buying her own, but often there were frictions, particularly when their mates came round. Ironically their mates thought my dressing was actually quite hip, and the embarrassment was more to do with my kids' own sensibilities. It seems that people can often quite easily accept a cross dresser in a wider social group of friends but there are problems when it's a close family member. I remember my daughter in tears once, aged about 16, yelling at me that she couldn't even talk with her mates about the turmoil of living with a transgendered dad because they all thought it was 'so frickin cool'. I felt dreadful. Heartbroken, that I'd thought only about my own needs and railroaded hers. As for my son, we did a deal: I didn't get on his case too much about smoking weed as long as he made it to school, and in return he didn't get on my case too much about wearing tights.

We're all good now, though I'm not sure whether I'll get invited to the weddings should they occur. My son puts on drag burlesque nights at his New York bar and my wonderful daughter lends me her clothes.

Hang in there! That's my message.

[Sandra]

We told our daughter when she was 14 she's now 23, and has supported Nigella right from the start and is very very protective.

[Rogina B]

My 11yr old daughter has known since age 5 and enjoys going everywhere with "Aunt Rogina". She is an accepting and open minded kid that will have a great future because of that. Times have changed and Miley Cyrus kisses girls..

[Debglam]

I have two daughters and am out to the oldest (19). She is absolutely terrific! We have hung out together and are probably going shopping together in SF this summer. My SO and I decided to wait a little bit on the youngest (14). She is making the leap to high school and has enough going on right now.

I agree with Kat. This is simply a part of who I am and nothing to be ashamed of.

[Jilmac]

Hi Dawn, all my children are adults now and even though I never formally came out to any of them, I belive all but one suspect me of dressing. Through many years in the closet, because of two non approving approving spouses, I was caught in some very compromising situations, while hidden and dressed. There were also times whan I left incriminating evidence that couldn't have belonged to anybody else in the family. I think they've taken a DADT attitude and I'm ok with that. There won't be any doubt left after I croak because they will find all my feminine attire in my house. I might even make it my last request to be buried in a dress so that my burial will also be my coming out party to all my kids.

[JamieG]

I have two daughters, ages 4 and 7. I'm not out to them either. My thoughts are similar to Bree's:


My kids are simply too young at 4 and 8 months. I'm sure they'll learn eventually and I hope to do it on our terms rather than them finding out by accident. With my career they need to be old enough to understand that some things discussed in the wrong setting could have very severe consequences. If I wasn't in this career it'd be a lot easier and the 4 year old would probably already know.

The challenge really is that I won't lie to them about anything. It wouldn't be fair to them to teach them to be open and honest and then blatantly not practice what I preach. So, it could come up earlier than I'd like. Especially when they start snooping in the closet and wonder why the clothes are such different sizes!

It's always good to read these threads and get more ideas and advice! :)

-Bree

I doubt I'd lose my job if my CDing were to become known, but my life at work may become more difficult. I'm more concerned about the impact on my wife and kids. Our 7 year old has already proven that she can't keep minor secrets (like the fact that my wife was the school mascot for picture day), so I don't feel that we can tell her until she shows more maturity, or we decide that we're fine with being labeled the "weirdo family" in the neighborhood. However, my wife and I have been talking about it more, and I think we'll tell her before she's a teen. That said, like Bree, I won't lie to my kids, and it may come out sooner if she starts to ask direct questions.

Jamie

[Eryn]

I am not out in my own community so telling my daughters while they were still living at home would have saddled them with keeping my secret. I was willing to put up with a few crimps in my style to keep that complication out of their lives.

Now that they are young adults away at college and their main circle of friends are there we have introduced them (gently!) to Eryn. They have been quite supportive and seem to understand the reason that we chose to keep them in the dark previously.