Anne2345
04-18-2013, 06:55 PM
Today is a special day.
Today my sister Sandy celebrates her 41st birthday.
For 41 years this day, I have been blessed as her big sister to have her in my life.
I love my sister with all of my heart, and there is nothing I would not do for her.
My baby sister is an amazing, extraordinary woman, and she is the strongest person I know.
My baby sister has taught me so much about life, and is my inspiration. I have all of the respect in the world for Sandy, and I owe her as I owe no other in this world.
Gifted already with her unconditional love, Sandy has changed the way I view myself, the world, and life in a positive manner that no other could or has.
You see, the thing about my sister is that she has battled a very rare, aggressive form of cancer for the past ten years of her life. She has had surgery after surgery after surgery, each one progressively more complex, complicated, risky, and painful.
In early 2010, after a particular nasty, painful operation where the doctors removed the roof and palate of my sister’s mouth and replaced it with skin taken from other parts of her body, doctors believed Sandy to finally be cancer free. Later that year, she married and gave birth to her first and only child in late November – a beautiful, amazing, sweet little baby girl.
Right before Christmas, though, during a follow-up examination of Sandy, doctors discovered that her cancer had come back stronger and fiercer than ever before. Less than two weeks later, she was back on the operating table about to undergo pure ****ing hell. For more than twenty straight hours, a team of doctors and specialists took apart Sandy’s mouth and face to fight the cancer. During surgery, they discovered that a massive tumor had eaten out the eye socket of one of her eyes. The only thing holding my sister’s eye in place up until that point was the tumor itself. They cut open her skull and lifted slightly her brain to attack the cancer cells. They completely removed and rebuilt Sandy’s mouth, removed many teeth, stripped more of her body of her skin to repair the damage, and used a portion of some bone in her leg to rebuild her skull and eye socket.
During this time, my father’s own cancer came back, so neither he nor my mother were able to travel to the city where my sister had been transported to. Worse, although my brother-in-law has lived and worked in the United States the past twenty years, he has no family here. His family, those that remain alive, live in the U.K. With a new born and my sister to be there for in the hospital, going into this my brother-in-law had no help upon which to rely upon, so I took almost two months off from work to be there for my sister, my brother-in-law, and my beautiful baby niece.
Of course, when I saw my sister after the surgery, with tubes, needles, and IVs sticking everywhere, this way and that, her face and body were hardly recognizable as human, much less those of my sister.
Needless to say, I broke down, and broke down hard. Seeing her like that sucked and drained the life out of me. It hurt me in a way that I did not even know was possible.
But the thing was, my sister was a FIGHTER!! She did NOT give up!! Not even for ONE second!! Her recovery was hard, brutal, painful, and something that many would just rather give up and die than go through.
Not my sister, though. She fought because she wanted a chance to raise her newborn daughter. Her daughter gave her strength that should be humanly impossible. All she ever wanted was to have a child and be a good mother. She was not going to let the opportunity be taken from her. So she fought, and fought, and fought, and fought some more.
And I watched her. I prayed for her. I loved her. I gave her, her husband, and my baby niece all that I had because they are soooo special, and they just wanted a chance to survive this as a family.
During that month, though, a funny thing happened. Random people and members of the community around where me and my brother-in-law were staying banded together and came to our need and assistance. I had never seen such a showing of love and generosity from strangers like this before. Their gifts, sacrifice, and support struck me to my very heart. I cried repeatedly over the emotion of it all, over and over again.
Watching my sister fight, though, and experiencing the love and compassion that these otherwise complete strangers so selflessly gifted my family, my entire outlook on life was forever changed.
For the first real time in my life, I recognized just how fragile and precious life is.
My sister was fighting for her life. The irony, though, was that I was fighting against my own life. I was about to break down, and the warning signs were there in spades, but I refused to acknowledge them.
I refused, that is, until my sister taught me that we cannot take life for granted, and that we have to do what we can, while we can, to get the most out of this crazy opportunity that life has presented us.
It was only then, watching my sister day in and day out at the hospital, trying to recover, trying to survive, and just trying to LIVE so that she could be the mother she wanted that I recognized that I needed to change my life.
I have written much about how I have suppressed, denied, and run from myself the past two decades.
I am transsexual. I could not admit it before. I could not act upon it. All I could do was run, run, run. I was soooo full of fear. Sooooo full of denial. I was quite literally a walking time bomb.
I was a time bomb, that is, until my sister saved me by and through the example she set.
It is because of Sandy that I have been able to do the things I have done these past two years. I attribute all of the success and progress I have made to her.
My fear has been significant. Overcoming my fear has been soooo hard, and soooo difficult. But it has been nothing compared to what my sister has gone through.
Sandy woke me up to myself. She showed me the way. And to those of you out there struggling with this or that, life is precious. Do your thing. Work towards being the best you can be. Because if you do not do it, nothing will ever change for you, and you will sink and eventually die a tragically unfulfilled life.
And such a fate I do not want for myself. I do not want to die unfulfilled or wrong. I do not want to have failed myself or my family. This still remains difficult for me, but I know it is possible, I know I am doing it, and I know I am going to do this, whatever it is that needs to be done. I owe it to myself to make the most of myself, and the most of my life. Just as you owe it to yourself to do no less.
That my sister gave me this gift, though, humbles me. Her courage staggers me. Her love means soooo much to me, and I love her with all that I have, and am there for here every minute I can be.
Because wonderful the gift that my sister has given me is, the time I have remaining with her is now questionable.
Four months ago, a week before Christmas, the doctors informed Sandy that her cancer had returned. This time, though, they informed her it is inoperable. The cancer has come back and spread into her brain. Her doctors have given her three to six months to live. That was four months ago.
Right after that, my father was informed that his cancer was also back. Although only 71 and otherwise the model of health, nothing more can be done for him. He will continue chemo until his body can no longer take it. Doctors give him one year.
Yet, my sister continues to fight on. She refuses to give up. She wants desperately to raise her daughter, so fight on she will.
In so doing, I continue to learn from her, and I continue to believe that I can do these things that I believe are difficult to do.
Because in the end, what does it all matter??!! This is our opportunity. This is our life. Once it is over, it is over. And I, for one, would prefer to have as few regrets at the end of my life as possible. Already I will have waaaay too many as it is. As such, I refuse to run and hide anymore. I take it day by day and step by step.
It's true, though, that I continue to stumble, fall down, and fall apart again from time to time. This isn't easy. But I try to move forward in some fashion or another, always mindful that if I do not do these things now, I may not ever have the chance again.
Regardless, I am convinced that this April 18th will not be my sister’s last birthday. She has many more still left in her. I know this. I know it.
Happy Birthday, Sandy!! I love you!! And thank you for EVERYTHING you have done for me!!
Here is a picture of Sandy right before her last surgery . . . .
Today my sister Sandy celebrates her 41st birthday.
For 41 years this day, I have been blessed as her big sister to have her in my life.
I love my sister with all of my heart, and there is nothing I would not do for her.
My baby sister is an amazing, extraordinary woman, and she is the strongest person I know.
My baby sister has taught me so much about life, and is my inspiration. I have all of the respect in the world for Sandy, and I owe her as I owe no other in this world.
Gifted already with her unconditional love, Sandy has changed the way I view myself, the world, and life in a positive manner that no other could or has.
You see, the thing about my sister is that she has battled a very rare, aggressive form of cancer for the past ten years of her life. She has had surgery after surgery after surgery, each one progressively more complex, complicated, risky, and painful.
In early 2010, after a particular nasty, painful operation where the doctors removed the roof and palate of my sister’s mouth and replaced it with skin taken from other parts of her body, doctors believed Sandy to finally be cancer free. Later that year, she married and gave birth to her first and only child in late November – a beautiful, amazing, sweet little baby girl.
Right before Christmas, though, during a follow-up examination of Sandy, doctors discovered that her cancer had come back stronger and fiercer than ever before. Less than two weeks later, she was back on the operating table about to undergo pure ****ing hell. For more than twenty straight hours, a team of doctors and specialists took apart Sandy’s mouth and face to fight the cancer. During surgery, they discovered that a massive tumor had eaten out the eye socket of one of her eyes. The only thing holding my sister’s eye in place up until that point was the tumor itself. They cut open her skull and lifted slightly her brain to attack the cancer cells. They completely removed and rebuilt Sandy’s mouth, removed many teeth, stripped more of her body of her skin to repair the damage, and used a portion of some bone in her leg to rebuild her skull and eye socket.
During this time, my father’s own cancer came back, so neither he nor my mother were able to travel to the city where my sister had been transported to. Worse, although my brother-in-law has lived and worked in the United States the past twenty years, he has no family here. His family, those that remain alive, live in the U.K. With a new born and my sister to be there for in the hospital, going into this my brother-in-law had no help upon which to rely upon, so I took almost two months off from work to be there for my sister, my brother-in-law, and my beautiful baby niece.
Of course, when I saw my sister after the surgery, with tubes, needles, and IVs sticking everywhere, this way and that, her face and body were hardly recognizable as human, much less those of my sister.
Needless to say, I broke down, and broke down hard. Seeing her like that sucked and drained the life out of me. It hurt me in a way that I did not even know was possible.
But the thing was, my sister was a FIGHTER!! She did NOT give up!! Not even for ONE second!! Her recovery was hard, brutal, painful, and something that many would just rather give up and die than go through.
Not my sister, though. She fought because she wanted a chance to raise her newborn daughter. Her daughter gave her strength that should be humanly impossible. All she ever wanted was to have a child and be a good mother. She was not going to let the opportunity be taken from her. So she fought, and fought, and fought, and fought some more.
And I watched her. I prayed for her. I loved her. I gave her, her husband, and my baby niece all that I had because they are soooo special, and they just wanted a chance to survive this as a family.
During that month, though, a funny thing happened. Random people and members of the community around where me and my brother-in-law were staying banded together and came to our need and assistance. I had never seen such a showing of love and generosity from strangers like this before. Their gifts, sacrifice, and support struck me to my very heart. I cried repeatedly over the emotion of it all, over and over again.
Watching my sister fight, though, and experiencing the love and compassion that these otherwise complete strangers so selflessly gifted my family, my entire outlook on life was forever changed.
For the first real time in my life, I recognized just how fragile and precious life is.
My sister was fighting for her life. The irony, though, was that I was fighting against my own life. I was about to break down, and the warning signs were there in spades, but I refused to acknowledge them.
I refused, that is, until my sister taught me that we cannot take life for granted, and that we have to do what we can, while we can, to get the most out of this crazy opportunity that life has presented us.
It was only then, watching my sister day in and day out at the hospital, trying to recover, trying to survive, and just trying to LIVE so that she could be the mother she wanted that I recognized that I needed to change my life.
I have written much about how I have suppressed, denied, and run from myself the past two decades.
I am transsexual. I could not admit it before. I could not act upon it. All I could do was run, run, run. I was soooo full of fear. Sooooo full of denial. I was quite literally a walking time bomb.
I was a time bomb, that is, until my sister saved me by and through the example she set.
It is because of Sandy that I have been able to do the things I have done these past two years. I attribute all of the success and progress I have made to her.
My fear has been significant. Overcoming my fear has been soooo hard, and soooo difficult. But it has been nothing compared to what my sister has gone through.
Sandy woke me up to myself. She showed me the way. And to those of you out there struggling with this or that, life is precious. Do your thing. Work towards being the best you can be. Because if you do not do it, nothing will ever change for you, and you will sink and eventually die a tragically unfulfilled life.
And such a fate I do not want for myself. I do not want to die unfulfilled or wrong. I do not want to have failed myself or my family. This still remains difficult for me, but I know it is possible, I know I am doing it, and I know I am going to do this, whatever it is that needs to be done. I owe it to myself to make the most of myself, and the most of my life. Just as you owe it to yourself to do no less.
That my sister gave me this gift, though, humbles me. Her courage staggers me. Her love means soooo much to me, and I love her with all that I have, and am there for here every minute I can be.
Because wonderful the gift that my sister has given me is, the time I have remaining with her is now questionable.
Four months ago, a week before Christmas, the doctors informed Sandy that her cancer had returned. This time, though, they informed her it is inoperable. The cancer has come back and spread into her brain. Her doctors have given her three to six months to live. That was four months ago.
Right after that, my father was informed that his cancer was also back. Although only 71 and otherwise the model of health, nothing more can be done for him. He will continue chemo until his body can no longer take it. Doctors give him one year.
Yet, my sister continues to fight on. She refuses to give up. She wants desperately to raise her daughter, so fight on she will.
In so doing, I continue to learn from her, and I continue to believe that I can do these things that I believe are difficult to do.
Because in the end, what does it all matter??!! This is our opportunity. This is our life. Once it is over, it is over. And I, for one, would prefer to have as few regrets at the end of my life as possible. Already I will have waaaay too many as it is. As such, I refuse to run and hide anymore. I take it day by day and step by step.
It's true, though, that I continue to stumble, fall down, and fall apart again from time to time. This isn't easy. But I try to move forward in some fashion or another, always mindful that if I do not do these things now, I may not ever have the chance again.
Regardless, I am convinced that this April 18th will not be my sister’s last birthday. She has many more still left in her. I know this. I know it.
Happy Birthday, Sandy!! I love you!! And thank you for EVERYTHING you have done for me!!
Here is a picture of Sandy right before her last surgery . . . .