Am I nuts?

[I Am Paula]

I'm FINALLY starting to make changes that are irreversable. I'm going in to this with a lifetime of preparation, and my descisions are sound and well thought out.
99% of the time I'm certain I'm doing the right thing.
1% of the time I panic, and wonder-Am I nuts? I made it 54 years with the hardware, and software, I've got.
I feel like everything that has led up to my current situation took SOOOO LONG, and now things are moving so fast.

Any girls ever find themselves here before making major changes?

[arbon]

Many times I thought I was nuts for doing it, maybe really was nuts for doing it. But it seems like you have been preparing and you seem to have more certainty about it then most people seem to. You've been preparing a long time. If it is what you want go for it.

[Barbara Ella]

Planning always seems like it just drags on and on. Even the smallest positive action then in comparison seems like it happening in an instant and you just don't feel like you have time to deal with it. That is life. I regret that I have really had no time to prepare for this, and am reacting to everything on the fly as i really don't feel like I have time to plan much if anything is going to happen for me. So yes, I feel like I am nuts all the time even when nothing is happening. IMHO you are feeling the normal reactions to change and advancement.

Stay the course.

Barbara

[melissaK]

I've never thought I was nuts, but like you, raised by cisgendereds, socialized by them, and taught their ethnocentric view of normal, I asked the question many times: "who in their right mind does this!?!?".

And of course I'm not part of the cisgendered crowd. We TS are quite in "our" right minds, thank you.

And yea. When I came out to family, it all moved too fast for a bit of time. Transition takes years . . . they get it now, maybe.

[DebbieL]

I am nuts. I feel like I'm nuts for wanting to do it. I feel like I'm nuts for doing it. If feel like I'm nuts for NOT doing it. I've been wrestling with this for 55 years, since I was about 4. The biggest fear in transition is that I will complete the transition and after all the sacrifices, will end up not being able to enjoy my new life. I WISH I had transitioned when I was in my early twenties, or even in my early 30s. I suspect that if I don't transition, I will wrestle with it until I die. I even wonder if death might be a solution, moving my soul into a female body. When I was about 5, I remember waking up from a dream/nightmare that was so real. I had memories of an entire lifetime - as a girl, until I was about 17 years old. I had just made love to my boyfriend in the back of his blue convertible, then someone hit him on the head and strangled me. Then I woke up in the body of the 5 year old boy, with memories of both lives. I often wonder if the girl wanted to come back as a boy, perhaps to help her boyfriend. For many years, from my teens until my stroke at 52, I frequently wondered if my memory of a girl's life was real, and that my death in this body would result in moving to a new body, a girl's body?

I've had a couple of near-death experiences, once when I was 10 and nearly died of Chigella, and once when I was 21 and tried to commit suicide. The first was quite pleasant, with me meeting my vision of God, and being sent back to do something important. The second less pleasant, but still being set back to complete my work. When I had the stroke, and kept getting worse for 3 days, I thought I might have completed my duties, and was ready to go. Then I recovered, and have been much more public about being transgendered.

[KellyJameson]

When you say you have made it 54 years does that mean that you have been living with something for 54 years that you have survived by will power so you have been controlling yourself ?

Have you always been playing a role that is unnatural to you since your earliest memories?

Are you a square peg forcing yourself into a round hole?

Is there a conflict between hardware and software?

[Angela Campbell]

I have to say the same thing. 54 years old, I have known I was really a girl for 50 of those, and was either too scared, too busy, or in denial enough to resist. So why then after all these years of successfully resisting and controlling it has it come to the point where I feel like I am going to transition? Why now and not then?

So yes I am in the same boat.

"When you say you have made it 54 years does that mean that you have been living with something for 54 years that you have survived by will power so you have been controlling yourself ?

Have you always been playing a role that is unnatural to you since your earliest memories?

Are you a square peg forcing yourself into a round hole?

Is there a conflict between hardware and software? "


Well.........YES.....

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Celeste, you could almost be telling my story (even down to the age when I was at the same stage you are now). During one of my 1%ers I posted here with the title "Who do I think I'm kidding?". I would be far more worried if you didn't have those occasional doubts.

If we handle them correctly, doubts can be a positive influence by allowing us to step back and reaffirm that we are going in the right direction or make a subtle change of course so that we are once again heading for the right destination.

So to your question "Am I nuts?" my answer would be only as nuts as the rest of the world's population :heehee:

[Angela Campbell]

"only as nuts as the rest of the world's population"


Oh God.....that is depressing isn't it.

[I Am Paula]

Have you always been playing a role that is unnatural to you since your earliest memories?

Are you a square peg forcing yourself into a round hole?

Is there a conflict between hardware and software?

Yes to all above. Pretending to be male to please other people became second nature. I'm tired of that.

[STACY B]

I don't know about YOU ,,, But I know I am NUTS !! So thats my story an I am sticking to it !!

[Marleena]

I might be nuts for saying this, but no you're not nuts Celeste.:D

You've basically already done your RLE so what next? You are one of the "middle pathers". Don't worry be happy. <-- I actually hate that saying bit it fits.

[KellyJameson]

For myself this was the paradox of the chicken and the egg. Which came first?

I think this is why the dissonance should be identified going all the way back to early childhood.

For me gender dysphoria as been pervasive and always there and only the language to understand and describe the experience was missing.

You want to strip away all the social influences in your life that may have pushed or prevented movement toward your natural gender identity and see what is left behind.

it is more than a label of being female but the profound understanding that you are fundamentally different from men so not a man. You do not resonate with them as belonging to them as a group so you do not feel related to them.

You may like, love and possibly be sexually attracted to them but they are not you and this feeling of separation is always there to some degree but you do not experience it with women in the same way or to the same degree.

You may not even like women but you "get them" and wonder why men are not able to.

It is something that your mind has always known but not necessarily consciously and it goes very deep inside you. It is not a superficial experience but hidden yet always there.

This is why you are left feeling nuts because you can not point to it but can only "feel it" and you bring this feeling up into the domain of words and language.

Have you ever noticed that transsexuals have a strong relationship to language and the written word? Language belongs in the domain of the female far more than the male.

It is a knowing that the child has that happens below the childs awareness and this knowing has a "but of course I'm a girl" feel to it when you discover it.

The moment I discovered this hidden inside me it was like someone released a pressure valve and I could feel everything inside my head drop into place with this deep understanding of a mystery that I had been living and could never solve was finally answered.

It was as if my thinking brain was introduced to the rest of me and we merged.

I thought at first that I was talking myself into an identity so creating a false gender identity but when you step back from your life and look at it you will see all these weird behaviors where your mind was trying to tell you the truth of what it already knew.

In my opinion it really affects your relationships with women in a intimate setting. It completely scrambled mine until I just gave up.

I was sure that I must be gay and just repressing but that did not "feel right"

I confused sexual identity with gender identity and this was a big mistake.

For me transitioning was really nothing more than acting on the truth of what I always knew.

It is simply recognizing that you are female brained in the extreme where you cannot even consider being a part of the gender binary with the body you have so you are forced to live outside gender socially and you feel a dissonace with your own body like it is a bad fit, or something is off or out of sync.

This is could easily turn into hate for the pain it causes.

[Jorja]

Nuts you may be but that is a discussion for another thread. If you were not having second and third thoughts about what you are doing, I would say you are nuts.

[Jodi Anne]

I would be untruthful to myself if I said I never had any doubt that I am doing the right thing, however they were so few and do not happen anymore. The new feelings I have only reinforce that I did the right thing.

[IamSara]

Celeste,
I am in the same boat also. I am now almost 55 years old and just in the last year coming to terms that I have always been a girl in mind and not in body. I have had dreams of where I was a girl for as long as I can remember. I have always wanted to be with the girls and do what they do. I always felt "right". Like many, I compensated the other way trying to fit in. I still do to some extent to pacify my wife. I am finding that harder and harder to do.

[kimdl93]

If you're comfortable with your decision making process and choices 99% of the time then, you're not nuts. It's human nature to second guess and a measure of skepticism is healthy. But you have tested and retested your choices and the answer seems so consistent. Relax and accept that measure of risk as part of the deal.

[Angela Campbell]

Sometimes I wish my doctor or therapist would just tell me I am nuts. That would be so much easier.

[Jorja]

Sometimes I wish my doctor or therapist would just tell me I am nuts. That would be so much easier.

Sorry dear, no taking the easy way out! :)

[Angela Campbell]

Ha ha I know. They keep telling me I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and there is nothing wrong with what I am doing. I am sitting there thinking....uhhh I am wearing a dress! The only thing wrong is what is under that dress.

Back to the OP.....Yes it is interesting that I have known about this for 50 years and now suddenly it is changing in intensity so fast. Why now? Yes it is moving so very fast and I think that is what causes the concern. I realize now I have been making major changes already and it is pretty clear I will make more. I have lost over 110 lbs, I am in the process of removing my hair all over, I have made several cosmetic changes and many lifestyle changes in my personal life. I am ready for the next step, or at least as ready as I can be.

[Katyana]

No your not nuts, your normal. While we all have wires that are different, we all have some that are the same, and it is human nature to run through a spectrum of emotions when a big decision is at hand or made. When you buy a house, we all have that moment of panic, did we miss something, is this the right house for me. I would think you nuts if you were NOT having that reaction :-)

[I Am Paula]

Back to the OP.....Yes it is interesting that I have known about this for 50 years and now suddenly it is changing in intensity so fast. Why now? Yes it is moving so very fast and I think that is what causes the concern. .

In my case, things started moving fast due to a 'cosmic alignment' or a series of events that came in a very short time. I have always found ways to deal with GID, most commonly, try to ignore it, crossdress, and carry on pretending that everything is honky dory. Within two years, these events come to pass, and without them, I'd still be where I was. For good or bad.
1) My wife got two types or cancer, got a mastectomy for one, and the other is inoperable,(spinal), and has severely limited her mobility. We have not had sex in two years, and probably never will again.
2) The death of my brother meant the end of our band, and hence, my retirement. I did well in real estate, and don't need to work again.
3) My wife's mom died, so we moved closer to her dad. Neither of us like him, but family does what it must.

So, new town, retirement, full time job as caregiver. The oportunities all came together to do something for ME, and only me. This is a really f#^@d up way to get what I wanted, and I would gladly trade it all for it not to have happened, but very suddenly life handed me lemons...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Life events causing a huge spike in GID are very common..

we invest in a male life...digging the hole deeper and deeper...and then something happens that causes to make an even bigger investment...it can be anything..job, family, a death, a $$windfall or a $$loss, anything that highlights the meaning of your life

and instead of doing what you've done your entire life, you "reconsider"...you don't want to dig anymore, you feel trapped (or empty, or unfullfilled, or ashamed, or whatever...)..
and boom... all those walls, all those coping defenses, all those self discussions just don't work anymore...it sucks... at first it doesnt make any sense, and you hope the feeling goes away....but it never does, and over time it almost always gets worse..

for me it was my boss leaving, and my wife expressing her displeasure at my "husband skills"... at first i worked harder at work for the new boss, and i desperately tried to keep our marriage alive, but in reality, the dypshoria exploded and reinvesting in my job and marraige became literally life threatening to me...i couldn't do it.. i was trapped... and so i transitioned...

its not crazy at all...its totally and completely rational in the context of our human need to feel like we exist...and our human instinct to survive....

[docrobbysherry]

You're NOT nuts. Simply second guessing yourself while making a life changing decision. Sounds perfectly natural to me!

"Nuts", would be deciding the change(s) would be the WORST thing u could do, and then go ahead with it/them anyway!

[Jessica Keys]

Reading each of your comments I can relate too as far as my own situation.
Each of your comments express your/my feelings better then I can.
So much knowledge on here.
I thank each of you.

I guess I am only sorry that I have waited too long too transition.
I will finish this life as I am.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jessica, I didn't know that they have Internet access from beyond the grave! :heehee:

If you really are TS and need to transition, then the only thing that should stop you is the grave