Marriages surviving transition

[arbon]

I know there are not very many marriages that do survive transition. But I was wonder for those that do - Before you transitioned how did you think the marriage would look after transition? how has your relationship changed? Do you consider it to be a lesbian relationship, is it a platonic relationship, best friends? Are you both happy in it?

I expected divorce, and at several points we were doing it. even at the beginning of this year we were planning to file the papers again. But it did not happen. We both still love each other to much to separate at that level, and we both want to be full time parents to our daughter. And it is good, we get along so well, and we live well together. It is a platonic relationship though, and I can miss physical intimacy with other person. We sleep in separate rooms usually, though sometimes we share a bed and we cuddle together. I fantasize about men. We don't consider ourselfs a lesbian couple, nor are we husband and wife, or a heterosexual couple.
Though at one point this last weekend at a function when we were around a lot of other women my wife (I started calling her that again?) came up to me and put her arms around me and tried to kiss me. I stepped back, woo! She asked whats the matter I said their going to think we are lesbians. My wife said so, they already do. To everyone else that is what we are. But I don't consider us that, she does not either, we both are attracted to men. But we are both very happy together.


Anybody else?

[Persephone]

You seem very lucky, Arbon, that your marriage has survived transition and that both of you continue to appear flexible and adaptable.

In "The Gendered Self" (ISBN 978-0-557-73533-4) Dr. Anne M. Vitale wrote "No matter how supportive the friend or partner may be while transition is still in the talking stage, the first sign of physical change almost invariably forces a reassessment of that support. It may not necessarily mean a complete loss of the relationship, but as the transition progresses, the interchange between the two parties typically undergoes a radical redefinition. I have noticed that the more intimate the relationship before transition, the more likely the relationship will be radically changed." (Pg. 88).

A bit of a palative to that, a few pages later, on page 92, she writes, "Increasingly couple in my practice are opting to at least try to stay togerher after one of them transitions and I am seeing firsthand how well children are adapting to the new gender role of a parent. The key seems to be how well the non-transitioning parent seems to be dealing with the transition. As long as the transition appears to be free of conflict (at least in front of the children) the children routinely cooperate."

I could not possibly wish for a better nor more supportive spouse than the one that I have, but it does seem that the further I move towards full-time the more distant she appears to grow. It is more subtle than it is large, yet there does seem to be an elephant in the room, still small, but an elephant.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[noeleena]

Hi.

As a family we are pretty close, we get on better now because of what we went through we are both much stronger, I did not transtion though i may just as well should have , in many ways what we went through was still ...A HELL...of 8 years, Psychologically ,Mentaly,& Emotionally For Jos & I ,

We had our marrage annuld so my original birth cert reflects im a female from birth , had they put intersexed it would have saved a lot of problems & issues,

Was not done in our day 1947. so i lived with the fact of what & who i was, i knew & a few others knew as well later on. theres allso a lot missing in my ealy life some 7 years of, from birth, mind blank no memory. till age 10 my mind woke up. funny that.......

So Jos & i dont for now live together Jos needed time away from me, just over 2 years now, we still own our home & i live here by my self ,
Now Jos & i still do lots of things together & with family & we Have Dejarn Kaylyns child who is 10 y 5 m, & we stay here for times together, we do shoping meet with ...our... friends spend time with Kaylyn & her 4 kids, with one more comeing .
so for now till Jos 's health issues get worse we are getting on very well , as things will change ill get Jos & bring her home & look after her .till then we are enjoying our lifes .

For myself im just a normal woman who happens to be different, other wise an intersexed female,

Two women can live together does not make them any different as to names & so on the lables that are used i try & not use, its no different than two sisters or twins liveing to gether, two women or two brothers does it have to be other than that, no of cause not & its no concern of any one else.

Jos & i were married for 35 years known each other for 39 we have 3 grown up adults Kaylyn 34, N, 36 & C 37, we have 9 grandkids with two more on the way,
so far 16 in our family ,

Some times we dont know the implications for us that goes back some 40 years for Jos & i, im 65 Jos is 60, ooops 61, 16 of may .

...noeleena...

[groove67]

my x wannted a man and so do i so she has boyfriend and i hope after surgery in october that i can find a man who will accept me for whom and what i am. marianne

[Marleena]

So far so good for me but I've been told by my wife anything more than HRT is unacceptable. So I have boundaries to live by and we'll see how long that works for. Our relationship hasn't changed but it's more like a best friends arrangement and already was before I started HRT..

[melissaK]

Trying to make the journey with my wife . . .

I have always known I had no sexual interest in men, just as I have always known I should have been born a girl. So, right now, I still find my wife hot. Seriously hot. This is NOT new for me. In part, I survived as a man because of that, she fulfilled my desires - my issues were all about my male body.

And, in the perfect world, my mate would be a lesbian. And, interestingly my second ex-wife was pretty dominating, and surprised no one really when after our divorce she came out as a lesbian. (Subconsciously, I knew we fit together despite neither of us being "out" about our true selves during the marriage).

So, my current wife, she's certain she is not a lesbian. Thus, she finds me less and less hot. Can she compromise her desires? Will she stay for a compromised relationship? I have compromised my whole live away, I don't have much compromising left in me other than staying with someone who doesn't think I'm hot. So I don't mean to burden her, but the reality is the ball's in her court about this.

We have a couple things going for us. Like Arbon, we are close, close, friends and both love physical contact when sleeping. We do have age going for us - we are 58 and 54, and sex is just not as important as it once was to either of us. And we have a family we each want to stay a part of. And, then she does have me courting her, flirting with her, and honestly telling her she looks hot - things which anyone wants to hear.

[Patrice_CD]

I haven't been real active in these forums but thought I'd respond to this thread as it does relate to me and my spouse. I've been full time for a little bit and my wife has known about me since I discovered something wasn’t the same. We went through all the hardships together but once we both went to therapy and learned about what I had and what I needed to do to keep my sanity, everything kind of started to fall into place., Her biggest worry was how family and friends were going to handle the new me. Well it’s all been good. And now that all is out in the open and everyone knows and she is 110% on board. She actually chose my name and I’m in the process of changing and on the docket. She gave me a diamond wedding band as she said the male ring no longer is acceptable. She refers to me as her wife and we are a happy couple.
I know we are in the minority and I am so thankful that I have such a accepting and loving wife.

[kimdl93]

Really, you Need to let your wife express affection and intimacy. Is it so difficult to accept that she may feel some desire for the one she love, regardless of how you look? If you both end up seeking intimacy elsewhere, then e marriage will be at greater risk.

[Jodi Anne]

So far we have survived my (our) transition, but it is still early. I know my wife is ok with almost everything except SRS, and I do not think I need that as of now. I also know we have a gigantic problem for her(for me also) coming down the pike.
In a few weeks my name will be taken care of but at the end of the year my Dr will give my letter for my marker on the DL to be changed (Florida did away with needing the SRS letter) The problem is Florida does not allow same sex marriages. .... Houston We Have A Problem........

[arbon]

Really, you Need to let your wife express affection and intimacy. Is it so difficult to accept that she may feel some desire for the one she love, regardless of how you look? .

No, its not that difficult. But its a little complicated. She usually does not like a lot of touching between us, makes her feel weird with me being a woman, I'm not her husband any more. Sometimes she is open to it, she lets me know. Out in public though very rare for her to do what she did. And in the past she was very uncomfortable with us being seen as lesbians.

Its still working itself all out.

[EnglishRose]

My spouse and I are still together and in love, thankfully. I remember several times where we were on rocky ground, and like mentioned above these tended to revolve around physical things; the first time I shaved my face, the first time I shaved my body and legs, then the time I used nail polish, started to grow breast tissue etc.

I consider the early parts of my transition to have gone slowly but that was the compromise we made in order for our marriage to survive. Going forward there is never a guarantee of anything but my spouse considering herself Bisexual helped.

We do consider ourselves to be two mommies, in a lesbian relationship, though of course lesbian describes our partership not her sexuality as she still finds guys attractive of course.

[ossian]

There is this great book by John Gottmann called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail". He is a psychologist, I think from the University of Washington.

While not transgender specific, it is a fantastic read on how relationships thrive through chaotic times.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-ebook/dp/B008TRUAJ2/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1366746482&sr=8-2-fkmr0&keywords=beck+why+marriages+succeed+or+fail

[DaniG]

I'm in the same place as Melissa. My wife is trying so hard to be supportive. She wants to be there for me for everything, even though I don't yet know what this is all about or how far I will want or need to go. Yet she's pretty certain now that she won't be able to handle physical changes. Maybe that will change with time. We'll see. I love her more than life itself, and I've decided to halt progress for the time being for her sake.

Arbon, Patrice, EnglishRose: So very heartening to hear your success stories for those of us in the midst of turmoil! Last week I felt like I was losing her, and it was as though I was trapped at the bottom of a dark well. Better now, but thank you for sharing! You may not even know why your marriage survived, yet just hearing that some do gives me hope.

[tori-e]

I transitioned between '05-'08 and had been married for thirty years. My partner and I are still best friends and expect to remain together indefinitely. Our relationship is very different in many ways, but we are still viewed as a couple by the world. It's not perfect, but neither are hetro marriages.

[RADER]

My brother transitioned some 20+ years ago. She and her wife still live together.
Rader