Help? I'm more confused everyday.

[Erica Marie]

I'm not sure if I am alone with these feelings but every day I get more confused. How many of you feel this way.
I know I am a guy, born and raised that way. In guy mode I am ok with myself but all I think about is the next time I can dress ( which is not too often ) and everything that goes along with it, for example getting ready, hair, make up, picking out an outfit. The feeling when I am dressed and seeing myself in a nice skirt and blouse, looking in the mirror and it feels so natural, walking in heels like they are an extention of my legs. It all feels so normal.
Then I think deeper. What am I doing? Im a guy, at least I think I am. Im afraid to go out dressed in fear of what others will think or say and so far I have only told two people. My ex gf who..... well we will leave that be and a gg friend who is very accepting. Sometimes in my head I'm not really sure if I am male or female. Can I be both? I guess after all that rambling what I am getting is I feel comfortable in both modes but the urge to dress and present as a female is overwhelming.

[Marcella Camira]

Erica, I am by far no expert. But sounds to me as though. That you are going from CD to TG. And yes you can be both, (male&female). You can be whatever you want to be. There is no certain mold. Just Be Yourself. Whatever, that is. Someone will definitely give it a name. But, I don't really go for all these pronouns and such. If Labels are important to you, someone on here will definitely be glad to tell you what it is. But I suggest, just do what is right for you. And only you know what that is. No matter what the rest of us say. Just be yourself and at the end of the day. You will be a happier person.

[Karen_K]

No expert either, but it sounds like you just love to wear women's clothes, and maybe you feel conflicted about it because of the social stigma that still exists? I felt his way too in the past, and do sometimes still. Getting out and meeting others like myself really made a huge difference in how I felt. Is that something you think you would be interested in doing? Are there support groups in your area?

[Erica Marie]

Getting out and meeting others like myself really made a huge difference in how I felt. Is that something you think you would be interested in doing? Are there support groups in your area?

Hi Karen. That is something that I hope I can do this summer. Im gonna do some reasearch and see if there is a conference I might be able to attend. There are no support groups in my city nor anywhere close. I think that is the hardest thing, feeling alone in this great big world. Being a member of the forum has helped greatly. But I think the human interaction with others like myself would be a big help also.

[Karen_K]

Hi Karen. That is something that I hope I can do this summer. Im gonna do some reasearch and see if there is a conference I might be able to attend. There are no support groups in my city nor anywhere close. I think that is the hardest thing, feeling alone in this great big world. Being a member of the forum has helped greatly. But I think the human interaction with others like myself would be a big help also.

Hi Erica,

It's too bad there is no Be-All this year, as that would have been a good possibility for you. Otherwise I think there is Southern Comfort in Atlanta in September. I don't know where in Wisconsin you are, but some girls come down to Chicago for support groups here from at least as far away as Madison.

[DonnaT]

You can be male and female if you want. Middle path. Nobody can stop you but you.

I dress in something fem every day, and can dress everyday, should I so choose, which keeps me from having to think about when is the next time I can dress.

What's keeping you from doing the same?

[Cheryl T]

Are you both??
Yes, we are all both male and female and the course taken in the womb decides who is presented to the world. I read once that all fetus's begin as female and differentiation takes its root there. Perhaps it's that for some there is more female present than in others. Maybe that's the reason some of us are TS and others just enjoy the clothing in some form. No one knows for sure, but I've come to believe that it's a result of me having a higher percentage of that early female in me that makes me feel this way, and she needs to be expressed.

[Lynn Marie]

It does seem as though when you are restrained from dressing it becomes an all consuming obsession. When you can dress anytime you like, you get much more relaxed about it. I'm a little like you. I'm also happy to be a boy or girl.

[Erica Marie]

I dress in something fem every day, and can dress everyday, should I so choose, which keeps me from having to think about when is the next time I can dress.

What's keeping you from doing the same?

Fear I guess, Not wanting my children to find out, not wanting the unaccepting society to find out. I dont have the chance to dress freely at home and afraid to come out to the point where it might be ok. So yes I have no one to blame but myself.

[Beverley Sims]

When I was younger I had these feelings ebb and flow with me all the time.
As you get older you tend to regulate your feelings and have greater control over them.

[Alice Torn]

Erica, I can relate, to the feeling so alone, in a community which has no support for this. I sometimes feel like i am not fully human, or was cursed.

[Stevie]

Erica I feel the exact same way. I am a guy that wants to dress too. I'm having those same urges to dress. I think we can be both.

[PaulaQ]

I think we can be both.

My therapist certainly agrees with this - there is really no reason why transgendered people need to conform to a strictly binary gender. Society likes it if we do, and the classic transexual story is "I always knew I was a woman trapped in a man's body", but that really isn't the only outcome possible. You can totally be both. Or neither. Find what's comfortable, and do that. We talked about this just today.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Erica, I truley feel you need to take several steps to sort it all out. Can you be bi-gendered? Yes. Many of us are. You'll need to take the time that it takes for most of us. I'm 60 and just starting to sort out a lifetime of wondering what I should do. I have a friend who made a full transition including SRS and she's never been happier. I'm playing with the idea of being fluid in what I feel is my real gender as a female. Don't let the thought demons cripple you! Take the time to hang out with us gals here to learn and explore your true being. Trust me, you'll get very comfortable here. Dump your feelings here and while we're not professionals here, maybe we can help you make some sense of it all. Many of us were in your shoes at some point. Try on a nice pair of pumps and a frilly dress! Sorry, I felt you needed a laugh to feel better! It'll get better!

Remember that here you are loved for WHO you are! Lean on us!

Cheryly Ann

[Nikki A.]

I think we've all been there and confusion is part of the self learning curve. Sometimes I wonder what I am also, or better put, who I want to be. Both sides feel natural but being Nikki is more fun. However to be Nikki 24/7 wouldn't make me happy either (or so I think).
Do what feels natural and let the chips fall where they may.

[Jenniferathome]

Erica, remember that the more you have to hide it, the more you want to express it. So, to me, it's natural to think about dressing when you can not. You have a gg friend who is supportive. Call her and take advantage of that and GO OUT. Make a date. You'll be glad you did.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Erica, It's easier said than done for people like us. But I just want to say, Let go!, Live, and be who you are! It took me a long time to make my brain free itself of the prejudice, the fears, the rejection, the snickers behind my back, the fear of being found out, all of the "what ifs", and the fear of finding my true self and living up to it! Being a woman is a wonderful thing!

Cheryl Ann

[Lucy_Bella]

Sounds like you have a case of the "Pink Fogs"!! There is no proof that our brains have a sex ,other than attractions..If fear holds you back stay in the closet or indoors if you live alone .. Feed the urge slowly ,maybe underdress or come here and read other members stories..Keep your mind occupied ..It will soon pass ,not all the way but enough to were you can deal with it..

I think we all progress in desire of dressing and feeding the beast ( if you will) only fuels the desire.. But it can also get old at times like when real serious issues come up such as your daily life.. Good luck we have all been through it and it's not easy..

[kimdl93]

If the membership here is any indication, there are lots of people who feel they are a blend of male and female. And this doesn't mean 50:50. It could be any ratio conceivable. I do have to caution that there is also the possibility that any of us might become obsessed with dressing...to the point that it overwhelms our rational thought.

I say that as someone who is pretty obsessive with the need to dress and present as female.

[EmilyPith]

The feeling when I am dressed and seeing myself in a nice skirt and blouse, looking in the mirror and it feels so natural, walking in heels like they are an extension of my legs. It all feels so normal.
Then I think deeper. What am I doing? I'm a guy, at least I think I am. I'm afraid to go out dressed in fear of what others will think or say...

Exactly. I empathize. And it's lonely.

[Jilmac]

Erica, it may be a while before you're able to come to terms with your real self which is a guy who knows there is some part of a feminine person in the same body. In my lifetime I experienced much confusion until I realized that I am two spirits within the same human frame. In your mind there may always be some confusion over the who, what, and why, but believe me, once you understsnd and accept the who, the what and why will become a whole lot easier.

[Ceri Anne]

I relate fully to your being fully comfortable in guy mode as well as girl mode. It's normal to be aprehensive about always thinking about dressing or acting fem. I do the same. Since we can only dress occasionally, that is formost in our desires to express ourselves. I am very proud of who I am as a guy. I can build or fix almost anything, ride motorcycles, hunt, fish and more. I have always had a number of feminine traits also. I love gardening (flower), have always been infatuated by womens fashion, makeup and their form and appearance. The music I listen to is varied, but is very strong on the typical female taste. If I was able to, I would not do HRT (side affects affecting manhood, in additon to benifit of cleavage) nor would I do SRS. Instead, I embrace my feminine characteristics as only one part of me. My daughter said it best once. "Dad, you can out man most guys and then turn around and out girl most girls" This was on a shopping trip where I was helping her find new cloths.

So be who you are, a CD who enjoys both sides of his personality. Don't be afraid to let them mix a little. Don't be uncomfortable with letting your fem side out. If you can't where you live, do so in another town, go away for a weekend. If necessary, go away to where there is another Cd you can go out with as friends. That will make it much easier. Either way, your not alone.

[Erica Marie]

I can build or fix almost anything, ride motorcycles, hunt, fish and more. I have always had a number of feminine traits also. I love gardening (flower), have always been infatuated by womens fashion, makeup and their form and appearance. The music I listen to is varied, but is very strong on the typical female taste. :eek:

Sounds as if WE and alot of others here have much in common. From this point I need to do some thinking and figure out a viable option to be able to express myself for who I really am.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Erica, If you ever get us figured out please let the rest of us know.

[TeresaCD]

Hi Erica, I would describe myself like Ceri too, and you. I starting to accept myself that it's ok to be both.
And perhaps a good idea to look at going out, in a 'safe' way, anyhow..

[Suzanne F]

Erica
I totally relate to your story. I just recently took the plunge by telling my wife and beginning my journey. I am both male female and am now at 47 trying I cope with this fact. I have told 7 people with all but 2 totally supportive. My wife has been wonderful. I have been out totally dressed 3 times and it was so great. However, it has drawbacks. I do miss it when it is over. The next day after dressing is difficult for me. There have been tough but. good, honest conversations with my wife. This forum has been such a help. It does feel so lonely at times. Courage has been my favorite word since I started down this road. I hope you find all the courage you will need.
Love
Suzanne

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts! We are all individuals, filled with a complex formula of experiences and ideas, and should be able to enjoy all of the many facets of our feelings. You must always be comfortable and confident in who YOU are, no matter how you are presenting or what you are wearing. Perhaps reviewing what is good in your life - now and in the past. Set yourself a new goal. Think positive, but DO NOT over think, and move slowly enjoying every moment in your life. It will all work out.

[laura.lapinski]

I agree with what Marcella Camira said. Putting a lable on something limits that thing to the label. Not worrying about what you are leaves you free. Do what you want. If you want to be girly one day, and do whatever you want, then do it. If you get tired of that, and want to go back to man mode, do that. Just don't get down on yourself for it. Enjoy yourself, just don't hurt anyone, but for certain, don't hurt yourself by being overcritical about it. BTW, you Avitar looks great. You have a womans shape in that photo, and I think you could go out and blend in without being noticed as a guy dressed up.