Beginning The Process(Long Post)

[WillowWriter]

Well, yesterday, I finally made up my mind to stop hiding everything from myself, trying to think that I'd be find without it, but with what has happened, I have final decided that I want and I need to transition. It's what I need to do to move forward with my life, as I've been very crippled since I graduated High School May of 2010. I've been trying my best to get a career and work, but every attempt, well, I just screwed up every single damn time. Between my Bipolar Disorder, and endless struggle with my gender, I've finally taken the steps to moving forward. My girlfriend is very supportive, and is doing her very best to wrap her mind around everything, as she was great with my crossdressing, but changing my gender will take some time for her to get used to. Today, well, once I woke up, I printed out a letter I wrote last night, sealed it in a envelope, on placed it on my Mum's night stand for her to see when she returns home from work. I hoping when she reads it, things will go well, as I'm having enough trouble taking about this stuff face to face with the few people I've told them about it. As you've guessed, yes, I'm living at home, 21 years old, can't work or function at College(Damn, I feel like a loser...) so I'm really dependent on my Mum. My parent's are divorced, so my dad is only around so much. He takes me to therapy and pays for it, so that's helpful and very sweet of him. I'm hopeful everything will start moving forward, even if things will be rough, progress is progress. I feel that once I'm happier in my own body, I'll be able to function a bit better, besides my Bipolar Disorder screwing with me(God, I'm a mess...) and making me drag. I know theres a lot ahead of me, and the first thing is to see how my mother responds to my letter, she responded positively to my crossdressing, so there is some hope. I know that I'm gonna lose a lot of my friends, as a good number of them are religious and are bigots the more and more I see them(Jerks ass friends...)so, I'll be starting over, but my girlfriend is here for me, and that is what matters most to me. If anyone can advise what kinda steps should follow as I slowly come out to everyone close to me, that would be much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading(It's a long ass post, I know...)

-Willow

[melissaK]

Sweetie that was just medium length post as posts around here go. :)

No special advice. Seems like you are on the right track. There no special magic way.

[KellyJameson]

I was very secretive so lived a dual life with two different sets of friends and never allowing family to find out, completely compartmentalizng my life.

It was really stressful living a lie and your approach is much more healthy in my opinion.

I will never look back fondly to my early twenties, that time was a living hell.

I felt like a loser and a mess and sometimes I still do. I think it goes with the territory

The fact that you are honest with yourself already gives you an advantage.

I needlessly tormented myself for a long because I refused to do that.

[WillowWriter]

So, my mum just read the letter. I was downstairs in my bed room, so I didn't know she had read it yet. She looked at me, smiled and tossed me an envolop. First, here was the letter I wrote her.

"Dear Mum
I'm writing this letter because there has to be a few things said that I am to this day, still having trouble talking about this. Since I have been without work and f**king up at college each and every time, you've made an comment about there being a core issue keeping me from moving forward to being able to live and work as I should. In all honesty, there is, always have been, but I've been too shy/embarrassed/scared to talk about it with anyone. For the year I've dated Missy, she has helped me to understand myself and explore more into who I am. With what I've decided with her, she's wrapping her mind around it, though, it'll take a while, and she might even leave me for it, but that's how life is. Today, I told Marc Pecther about it and he is supportive and is going to help me with it in therapy. Sure, I should've dealt with this Junior Year of High School, but I got too freaked out, but now, I need to act or it'll only get harder and harder. Mum, I am Transgendered. I hate my body, and because of this hatred of being in my own skin has really effected me, along with the bipolar crippling me further. I want to seek out ways to transition and try to be happy with my body. Yes, it costs, a lot, but I won't be able to move on without getting this done, I'll find a way to pay for it somehow. I know It'll take years, I'll be hated by people, I'll lose bigot friends and I might even alienate family members, but it's something I need to do, or I'll end up another suicide on the Northbrook Tower. I understand if you don't agreed with my decision or feel it is right to do so, I just wanted to tell you, so you would know what is crippling me so badly. I'm sorry I've caused so much stress and pain, and if you feel you need me gone, I'll leave with no fight. Either way, I needed to tell you. After reading this, please don't come to me on talk about it, just let it settle in, and I don't feel comfortable talking face to face about this yet. Talking through letters and notes is the best I can do for now. I'm sorry again. I love you.
Willow"

And she responded

"Willow,

I love you.

Mum"

She just took soooooo much stress off me. I love her so much! :D

[kimdl93]

First, please do your best to manage your bipolar disorder. I know it can be a pain, and some of the drugs needed to control it have some unpleasant side effects, but if its controlled well, you can have more confidence in making life changing choices.

Second, though the letter is now in your Mum's hands, I'd don't know that I'd view this as a litmus test for your mother or friends. Rather, as you learn about yourself and find your path, try to help them also grow in their understanding...and I know that could be a challenge...but you need people in your life besides your understanding girlfriend.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

your mom's response was priceless..

i got a similar response from my dad...

so simple and so powerful..."i love you"...and if you think about it, she loves the real you...you laid it out and she embraced you...

going forward, you'll have lots of ups and downs..it may not always be smooth sailing with her, but now you can have something to hold on to...she loves you

[WillowWriter]

I am so very blessed to have my mum and my girlfriend, they are the greatest and I love them both soooooooooooo much!!! :) I hope more of my family and friends are supportive

[melissaK]

You wrote a wonderful letter . . . I think your inner strength and self acceptance shines . . . . I am happy for you. :-) (And quite envious; I was soooo afraid and sooo lost about it at your age - 40 freaking years ago)

Now that you are getting your inner gender monsters under control, about those grades . . . ;^)

[WillowWriter]

One day I'll be able to function through College or some kinda school, but for now, I'm gonna be on SSI because of my bipolar disorder, so that'll help me live while I begin to learn to function better as well as transition. :)

[JohnH]

Willow,

I understand what you are going through. I was not a total failure but something was not right with my life either. I was a mediocre student and employee going from job to job. I also felt suicidal and hated my body. The recent economic depression (and yes, it is a depression as far as jobs are concerned) has forced me to take stock of myself.

With my wife's suggestion I started M2F HRT, and I no longer feel suicidal about myself, and I feel a lot better. I treasure my body now. I have to get back into the saddle as far as a professional job is concerned.

I don't think I will transition totally to be like a GG - I am simply settling on being a womanly man with midi length hair and light makeup. I do not want to give up my basso profundo singing voice. That means in a community chorus I have to dress as a man in a tuxedo but I am still free to wear heels and makeup.

You may not have that tough a time with your friends as you think you are going to. If some of them leave you I would say they probably were not really good friends. I have some genetic male friends as buddies and they accept me for what I am. I have lost only one friend as a result of what I am.

I have not told my parents yet - they live over a thousand miles (1600 km) from me. However, of course my wife knows about my treatment and is very supportive.

Remember Willow, as long as you are alive there is hope.

Take care,

John

[traci_k]

Willow,

I think you're going to be okay. Your mum's response IS priceless. Also your attitude. I think you realize the old adage "If its to be its up to me. Not everyone gets dealt a winning hand with four aces, sometimes the cards are just cr*p, but its up to us to make the best of them as we can. Keep your head together and moving forward and you won't end up at the Northbrook Tower. Remember that are many caring people around here who have experienced a lot of pain also, don't be afraid to talk to them.
Hugs,

[WillowWriter]

It eases me up a little when I'm reminded or remember there are more people like me out in the world. I'm thankful soooo many amazing people of the trams world are on this forum :)