Crossing the Infinite Barrier of Purge

[Taylor Ray]

I am curious about others thoughts on the issue of purging. From the ages of 12 to 32, I purged my clothes every few years. I would hide my undies when starting a new relationship, but introduce panties slowly into the relationship, until they were accepted.

My most recent purge was 3 years ago, and included everything accept lingerie. After that purge, I seemed to have somehow passed 'the purge barrier'.

Whew! so glad, and very interested in others experience

[DonnaT]

I've never purged.

I keep things until they no longer fit or are worn out. Doesn't matter if they are out of style or not. Heck I keep some even if they no longer fit, in hopes that they will fit again.

[Frédérique]

I am curious about others thoughts on the issue of purging.

I would simply say “Don’t do it.” :sad:

I purged exactly once. My life had changed, so I sought to put crossdressing behind me. But, things changed again, back to where they were, and I resumed crossdressing. Where had my all precious femme stuff gone to? Oh, WHAT WAS I THINKING???
:doh:

[Ciara Brianne]

I have3 purged more times than I care to admit. Kick myself in the butt when I think about. all the wasted money, and all the cute outfits lost. I would have such a killer wardrobe had I not done this. On the bright side, MY wardrobe is up to date.lol And I believe I am past the purge stage. If the guilt and urge to purge ever come back, I am going to box up my wardrobe and tuck it away. I have always gone back to dressing after a purge and see no reason why it would be different now.

In reality...I am ready to come out. To friends, family and the world. That does not sound like someone who is going to be purging ever again. :)

Ciara:<3:

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've never purged.

I keep things until they no longer fit or are worn out. Doesn't matter if they are out of style or not. Heck I keep some even if they no longer fit, in hopes that they will fit again.


Same with me. I've never purged, and I hardly ever prune either.

Lately, my main pruning is done when I need clothes to exchange at a clothing swap.

[Taylor Ray]

In reality...I am ready to come out. To friends, family and the world. That does not sound like someone who is going to be purging ever again. :)

Ciara:<3:

Very interesting point you make, Ciara, about coming out. I understand in the context of an intimate partner, but am curious about your desire to tell friends, family, and the world.

[Sabrina133]

Ive purged once - when i was about to deploy to Iraq. If anything happened, i didnt want my family finding out when they got my personal property. Since I am now "out" i only get rid of stuff when its outdated or worn out. Even then it doesn't happen that often.

[Geena75]

I could be wrong, but I would suspect that I have one good purge left in me, and it would be the last one -- meaning I quit CD for good. I'm really experimenting this time, and depending on how I feel it goes -- all or nothing.

[Jorja]

When you get the urge to purge, purge your male underwear instead. It is a lot cheaper to replace.

[Claire Cook]

When you get the urge to purge, purge your male underwear instead. It is a lot cheaper to replace.

LOL! And it's a lot cheaper not to purge in the first place (don't we all know that?). Well, you can purge the clothes but you can't purge the urge!

[Kate Simmons]

The reason most of us purge is because we try to become the person others think we should be which basically amounts to getting rid of our true self. This usually does not work and it is akin to breathing so usually doesn't work for long. The only real way to get rid of it as a compulsion is to make it a total choice, then it becomes much easier to be ourself, regardless of how we present.:)

[MysticLady]

My last purge was ugly and never want to go there again. Im just a not very nice person and I don't like not very nice people. I try my best not to be a hypocrite but Im not perfect. Sorry..

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

The reason most of us purge is because we try to become the person others think we should be which basically amounts to getting rid of our true self. This usually does not work and it is akin to breathing so usually doesn't work for long. The only real way to get rid of it as a compulsion is to make it a total choice, then it becomes much easier to be ourself, regardless of how we present.:)

My ex, after we had been to counseling to "save" our marriage had all my girl clothes all bagged for the trash. (I miss the beautiful wig I had.) Supposedly I was giving up CDing. I felt like a part of me died. I was miserable. Started to wear some of her things. And eventually the pot boiled over and I was single. Today my own closet is ready to explode so I often do some thinning of things that either don't fit or don't appeal to me anymore. The other day my wife had to help me find a white sweater that disappeared, and we still haven't found it!

Cheryl Ann

[traci_k]

Jorga and Claire - Nailed it! LOL

Purged a couple times and to quote the Raven - "Nevermore!"
Hugs

[Sharon B.]

I have been through the purge a few times, now if I feel I need to take a break for whatever reason I just pack it up in storage containers and set it in the closet. I know from past experience it will come back when you least expect it to.

[Beverley Sims]

Never purged, had stuff confiscated.
That was bad enough.

[NicoleScott]

Some learn faster than others. For me, it took three purges (the last about 20 years ago) before I learned the futility of purging. There is a difference between culling (getting rid of clothes that you don't want anymore for various reasons (size, style, space). GG's do it.) and purging (attempting to quit crossdressing, cold turkey. GG's don't do it.)

[boink]

Purging is all about guilt, and while coming out won't necessarily alleviate all of that personal guilt, it helps (or at least it helped me). I definitely experienced guilt about dressing even after I started coming out to others (which was during my freshman year at college, so pretty early on), but not to the extent where I would have purged or tried to "stop" dressing.

The only time I "purged" was when I headed off to college because I knew I'd be living with a roommate and wasn't ready to out myself at that point to somebody I really didn't know, or to leave them at home for my parents to potentially find (I've since come out to them). I kept a couple favorite things and brought them with me, but the bulk of my stuff went out the door. I managed to get singles every year after that and started reacquiring and haven't looked back since.

[Taylor Ray]

Interesting point about guilt. I wonder why CDs feel guilty?

[Julie Gaum]

Taylor wants to know why CDs feel guilty. More correctly why DID they feel guilty? Go back a generation to the 1940s up to early 1960s before the Internet that is. Speaking for myself and probably most of the senior members here we felt all alone in the world, we were some sort of perverts, freaks, you name it. Of course we still dressed, that is until either some event happened in our invironment such as entering the military, college, marriage before we did or did not come clean with new spouse, losing a job, moving for whatever reason, and often it was simply the burden of shame became too great so we dumped in alleyways, dumpsters, garbage cans or burnt them. Sooner or later, be it one week or one year we were shopping again. For me, probably six times or more during those years. Now we know better for we are not alone by a long shot and we also know the urge will, as Claire and so many others said, the desire will be with us forever and ever. Taylor, you have no idea how lucky you are not having to go through that period. Nevertheless, there are still many, many parents and other relatives out there that try to force children to discard their clothes in the mistaken belief that it will CURE them. Very sad.
Julie

[KateSpade83]

2 days ago I had a panic attack session where I thought I would quit crossdressing to God. Then I was stuck with the thought of how do I sell most of my clothes to get some money back, because I spent a lot of money on those clothes and I won't purge / throw them away for free. If I had to purge I'd ebay and Craigslist my clothes, then donate some of the money to church as a "sin offering."

But now I'm back to crossdressing and buying more clothes.

[Kelly Smith]

I do something similar to purging. Sometimes I yield to an impulse to delete photos of myself then regret it. (Edited to add). I also purge friends who I associate with crossdressing. Right now that urge is getting pretty strong.

[Janine cd]

I've purged at least five times in the past. I have come to believe that there is no reason for purging as long as you know that crossdressing is a permanent way of life.

[Patty]

No purging as of this time and I hope done in the future.

[joanne_mi]

I've had 2 periods in my life where dressing was completely dismissed for me for a period of years. I went from roughly 1995 to 2000 without dressing once, and had pitched all my stuff (this period bothers me a bit as I was still fairly young then and probably could have pulled passing off better than now), and 2007 to now. This last time, I did donate all the stuff to charity, so someone less fortunate could use them. Now, I'm in the process of buying everything again.... I did keep 3 wigs though, as those were quite expensive, and couldn't part with them.

[Taylor Ray]

Wow! Thanks for all of the amazingly honest posts! I wanted to quote and reply to so many of them! Like when KateSpade shared that she was still struggling with purging; and Julie Gaum brilliantly described the generational differences of crossdressing in the age of the internet. Thanks all who took the time to post. Very insightful folks on this forum and looking forward to sharing more insights with all.

[Taylor Ray]

I do something similar to purging. Sometimes I yield to an impulse to delete photos of myself then regret it.

Kelly, about three years ago I purged all of my photos. I still miss them to this day and get frustrated about how much time I spent building up that portfolio.

[Beverley Sims]

Another piece of advice here,put all your unwanted photos on a CD as a reference for later.
I assure you there will be a LATER.

[melanie206]

I have purged a couple of times. It doesn't work, fortunately. Now, I have enough stuff that when purging crosses my mind, I think about what a waste of money it would be.

[Ms. Laura]

I have never purged everything but did make some half-hearted efforts to purge. I really miss some of the shoes that I got rid of. I think I knew in my heart of hearts that it wouldn't go away.

I have purged photos however. It would be fun to see old ones to see how I've progressed but, they're not really of much value.

You MUST cull however. It makes room for new stuff! That floral print dress with shoulder pads from the 80s has to go!

[MisterEgurl]

My first, last and LAST purge was when I went away to college back in 1997. I was going to be in a 4 person apartment (two double occupancy bedrooms) and knew that alone time would not be likely, nor would privacy. I had no faith that my secret stash in my bedroom would stay secret. So, into the garbage it went. Looking back, I didn't really lose anything of great material value. But it was all hard won! I really wondered if I should have bothered with the purge, since for nearly a year, the secret stash location went entirely undiscovered or untouched. Well, at some point in my Junior year, my mother decided that my bedroom needed a thorough dusting. She really moved everything around and got behind the dressers. See, I had a desk in my room where if I removed the bottom drawers, there was a void space underneath that went down to the floor. It was open in the back, though, so if the desk was slid away from the wall, the stash would be revealed. Well, it would have been found. I had left a $5.00 bill down there to see if it got moved. Well, when I came home after my mothers cleaning fit, the $5.00 bill was sitting on top of the desk and my mother mentioned "Look what I found under your desk!"

[Leyna]

I've purged several times out of guilt, but this last time was not that. As an aside, I think some people misunderstood my previous posts. My wife did not give me an ultimatum. However, she's made it perfectly clear in various not-about-me discussions that she would do so. So this last purge was preemptive, but it was for her. I saw myself in the mirror one day, not as I wanted it to be, but as I really was, and I couldn't believe that I was willing to risk my marriage over this. So I tossed it all. I wish I could say I hadn't looked back, but I have, especially recently. Dressing is something that has always made me feel safe, and things are very much out of control in the house/office/church/everywhere right now. But I'm confident I can make it through. One thing I've been trying is to find ways to be feminine without actually dressing. To be a more holistic person instead of different compartmentalized identities.

I hope this didn't stray too far off topic...

[Allison Chaynes]

Ditto for me a few years back! I sweated what would happen if the wife found out back then.


Ive purged once - when i was about to deploy to Iraq. If anything happened, i didnt want my family finding out when they got my personal property. Since I am now "out" i only get rid of stuff when its outdated or worn out. Even then it doesn't happen that often.

[famousunknown]

I assure you there will be a LATER.

You should only speak for yourself. You have no way of knowing if there will be a later.

[kristinacd55]

Never purged, I either donate unwanted oldies or sell them on ebay so I can buy new things!

[Taylor Ray]

One thing I've been trying is to find ways to be feminine without actually dressing. To be a more holistic person instead of different compartmentalized identities.

Leyna, do you feel that your dressing-up is a compartmentalized identity? I find it an interesting topic. For me, I feel more compartmentalized when I do not express this part of me.

[Leyna]

Leyna, do you feel that your dressing-up is a compartmentalized identity? I find it an interesting topic. For me, I feel more compartmentalized when I do not express this part of me.

Yes, dressing was definitely a way to give voice to part of me that I ordinarily kept suppressed. And then I could put her away when I was done. But honestly, I've found that there is a lot to like about Leyna. I don't want her to only show her face when I'm wearing a dress. I want to be all of me, all the time.

[Taylor Ray]

Yes, dressing was definitely a way to give voice to part of me that I ordinarily kept suppressed. I don't want her to only show her face when I'm wearing a dress.

Does this mean you don't want her to express herself in a dress anymore? only in male clothes?

[Danielle_cder]

purging=bad it is soo expensive!

[Leyna]

Does this mean you don't want her to express herself in a dress anymore? only in male clothes?

I guess you could look at it that way. Though I'm trying not to view her as "her" anymore. She is part of me. So we're us. I'm us? I dunno. But we're getting kind of off topic, and given the way these have been getting locked lately, maybe we could follow up in a PM?

[mariehart]

Only purged once although it wasn't strictly speaking a purge. I got married and I knew it wasn't realistic to bring anything with me. So they had to go. Very regrettable but in truth it needed updating in any case. Seventies bra anyone?

I never felt the need to purge before that. I feel no guilt about crossdressing. Crossdressing is normal for me. Since then it's still not practical to have a big wardrobe. I have acquired some clothes since then. The last tenants we rented out house too left a bag of clothes with some really pretty stuff in it. So I kept anything that fitted including a pair of shoes, luckily I have small feet. None of them are really practical wear though. Other than that I wear my wife's clothes when I feel the need to dress up. The only other thing I have is a bra I bought. My wife is more busty than I like to be. That kind of satisfied me until lately. But I'm beginning to miss it badly now. I crossdress to feel normal. I've taken to wearing female clothing that is also gender neutral, jeans, jogging pants, socks that kind of thing. In fact my wife noticed it and commented but didn't pursue it. I even gave her one of my jogging pants that was a bit small for me. I really would like to buy some outfits and a wig etc. I want to feel normal again.

[Taylor Ray]

She is part of me. So we're us. I'm us? I dunno. But we're getting kind of off topic, and given the way these have been getting locked lately, maybe we could follow up in a PM?

I love your process, Leyna. And sure we can PM if you want to. I don't think we are getting off topic though. Actually, I feel that your sharing has brought me closer to the topic. Sure, there is the physical manifestation of actually throwing clothes away. But there seems to be an internal process as well.

Thanks again for your insights.

[Christine.Lolita]

I purged only one time and it was my first dress (a french maid dress). I was feeling very insecure about being a cross dresser and tried to convince myself that I was going through a phase so I would not be needing it. Turned out that this was not the case.

[Christine.Lolita]

Nevertheless, there are still many, many parents and other relatives out there that try to force children to discard their clothes in the mistaken belief that it will CURE them. Very sad.
Julie

I had a believe that something need to be "cured". My therapist was very quick to make the point I cannot be cure of being a cross dresser than I can change the color of my eyes. This was a huge turning point for me.

[Taylor Ray]

My therapist was very quick to make the point that I cannot be cured of being a cross dresser any more than I can change the color of my eyes. This was a huge turning point for me.

This was very powerful for me to read, Christine. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It makes me wonder why I ever desire to "get rid of my clothes". It almost feels like getting rid of a part of myself.

[Taylor Ray]

Why would I ever quit something that was a positive, creative, experience?

[Fifi]

I purged big time twice. Lots of $$$ went down the drain only to realized that I had to spend the same amount of $$$ to get it all back. The online stores must be confused why I'm ordering the same thing two or three times? :)

So I got smarter and just put it away in a box in storage whenever I had the feeling to purge. I did this because I usually never go to that storage and it would be the same as if I threw it all away.

Well, after putting that box there I found that I ended up visiting the storage much more frequently and eventually didn't bring the box back there anymore. :thumbsup:

[MaudeB]

I purged only once and it was related to a new relationship with a woman that I knew in advance would not approve.

It was my first set of lingerie and things. I was living alone at the time and just started exploring CD'ing in private. I'd been at it just for four months and was having mixed feelings about the whole thing. The forums, this one in particular, helped me a lot in sorting those feelings...

The relationship was disastrous for me, constant verbal abuse and diminishment from her AND her kids.... This culminated two months ago in me being kicked out of the house... I found a flat in a near village and, secretly never stopping reading the forums and browsing lingerie sites, I found out that the urge was still there and that finally, I'll get my freedom back ! This helped a lot in accepting the current situation...

I swore this time to MAKE EVERY LAST EFFORT (there's a saying that says you should NEVER say NEVER !) not to purge again since some of the items I had were very pricey and some of them are out of production now. Luckily, I could still buy the one first bra I had and the most cherrished at the time. It still is.

Now, the credit card is full :) and I'm enjoying a freedom I tought would never come back... I dress every day now and enjoy it to the fullest. Even though this freedom comes at a high cost, it is right now the best time of my life !

This time, I took great care in choosing the right items for me, 3 years of secretly browsing websites and forums helped quite a lot !

So, this is my story of purging. It happened once will hopefully don't happen again. If something happens that requires me to stop dressing, I'll put everything I have in storage and happily pay the price each month for the space, knowing that I can go back at any time !

Thanks for reading !

Maude

[lingerieluva]

Why would I ever quit something that was a positive, creative, experience?

It doesn't feel very positive pre-purge for me. I just hope I have turned a corner with it all now and can stay a happy CDer full of acceptance and contentment. Time will tell.

[drushin703]

The only time I purged was after a cancer diagnosis in 2007 when I just wasn't sure what my outcome was going to be.
But after 18 rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant in 2008, I realized I needed my clothes more than ever.
Plus, and I know this sounds strange, but if I would die I just wasn't ready to be found out. Can you imagine that?
With all my health issues going on I didn't want my clothes, and yes my crossdressing, to be discovered?

And this is the happy ending. I recovered. My hair grew back. My weight returned. And it wasn't too long after
all of this that I started dressing again. I will never purge again. This I swear to you.
dana

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Taylor Ray, Rad the rules for purging.

Rule #1. Don't ever purge.

Rule #2. If you feel that you need to purge , See Rule #1. again.

[ArleneRaquel]

I have purger numerous time, but I made a promise to myself in 2003, after doing a partial purge, "NEVER AGAIN". Ten years later, almost 10 years, no purges.

[Kandy Barr]

What a great topic! I've purged over the years so many times . I can't remember all the things I threw away, but what's surprising to me is that I remember some of the heels I've let go by the way side, wish I had them back! Any way, I've purged for the following reasons, some I find humorous now:

Afraid I was weird.
Disgusted
Thought I was finished forever!; ha surprise, it doesn't just go away
Afraid others would find me out.

Acceptance of myself & loving this side of me is helping me become comfortable with all of me.
I love Blue Orchards rule #1
Kandy

[Vanessa5]

I have not expirienced the purge. I have almost all the clothes that I have purchased over the years (wow huh). Recently I did go through and found things that did not fit and may not have been my style and shared them with someone else on the board. She found some things for her which made me feel really good. Maybe instead of purging giving your clothes to a sister and helping her out.

[lingerieluva]

I have not expirienced the purge. I have almost all the clothes that I have purchased over the years

I wish I could say that. It truly sux and is actually painful to start remembering what you did toss. I have purged so many times I can't even remember half of it. That's a good idea about donating to gurls on here, I would've done that probably if I were on back then.

[Alice Torn]

I have never fully purged, but felt guilty enough many times, especially if a sexual released happened. I give some items away, when i have no more room. As for never purging, i will not say never. After i am dead, or disabled, no more dress ups!

[Taylor Ray]

I have never fully purged, but felt guilty enough many times

Those guilty feelings are something I have experienced as well. I live by myself now, so I don't have those feelings, but when I have had roommates and girlfriends I did. I wonder how I would feel if a good friend of mine stayed in my apartment while I was gone.