I live for everyone else and I think it's killing me

[whowhatwhen]

It's funny in a sick sort of way.
I came out to my mom months ago thinking that I wouldn't have to lie anymore, but all it did was give me false hope.

I know what you're thinking:
"You're 26, almost 27 just move out!"

Yeah, under normal circumstances I would but I'm still trying to put my life together from depression, physical illness, and yet more depression.
My rent here is low, if I were to move out I couldn't afford therapy - let alone any hair removal.

I haven't told my dad since I'm not sure how, I'm sure it would be awkward because of all those oh so hilarious sexist jokes he loves to tell me.
:rolleyes:

But I had hope that my mom would understand, and she said she did and even that she always knew.
That means jack squat in practice though.

So I think she just said it was ok, or believes it's ok only if I just live with it as a man?
She seemed to get pretty upset whenever I did anything outside of manness, like buying pants or removing arm hair, or even growing out my hair.
Always emphasizing on what men should/shouldn't be doing.

I owe my family so much though, countless others would've tossed my ass out long ago.
My family was there for me when I was at my worst and I feel like I owe them my life.

On to what the thread title means:
Every day I live with the madness of my own gender issues, all boxed up internally with no outward expression of them.
I do this to save everyone else from my problems.

I feel better about not having to emulate masculine behaviour anymore, but I feel worse because I cannot express my natural ones.
So I live in this prison with no escape, there is the one unspeakable way out but fortunately/unfortunately it's off limits.

I put my family above all else, including myself.
I could never put them through that pain, but at the same time the emotional burden of existing grows.

The thread title is pretty accurate, I only exist right now because it would hurt others to end myself.
I'm literally only bound here by the same thing that imprisons me.

Now, it's not all that bad...
I will never compromise with my body, it's mine damnit and I'll continue as much male erasure as I can.
Every step on my path so far has been the correct one with no regrets.

I posted this thread after reading the last bit of the "Is this you?" thread, and I was going to post why I couldn't go to a support group but given the length I decided to make a new thread.

I'm not emotionally strong enough for a speedy transition, but my path does not end here and it will not end in the grave either.
Just had to get that off my chest.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's a really powerful story Corrinne

it took me a very VERY long time to get to a point where i was able to do anything constructive with my gendered life...from teens to 40's i suffered it... my nature has always been open hearted and a pleaser...pls let me solve YOUR problem was my motto...
i tried way to hard to please ..i get what you are saying about not wanting to hurt people.
no doubt some part of that was just my nature, but some of it was avoiding my problem...

if you can live with the madness of your gender issue(good description) you are accomplishing something...especially if your financial or other situation makes you feel you cant
and the only practical thing you can do is try to improve your financial situation..whether you feel thats possible i can't know..but right now based on your post, improving your financial situation IS transition
when i was 27 i had no money, lived with my parents and had a mountain of debt...i did have a good education.
...when i was 47 i had money, and i transitioned.

i hope for now you can live one day at time, and start to better understand that being yourself is not neccessarily hurting anybody...it takes alot of hand holding but people that love and care for you want you to be ok

...family is important to THEM...if they REALLY KNEW like we do what this was about, they wouldn't want your sacrifice...they'd want to sacrifice for you! this became so clear to me...even with my children!!! once they realized i was still dad...that they were safe, they turned to me and supported me.."its ok dad" where the three most wonderful words i could hear..

you may be able to hear those types of words too!! and if not, then when you boil it down, you will need to reconsider whether your sacrifice is worth it... family first goes both ways

i'm really glad to hear the steps you've taken so far have been positive, and i hope whatever happens you can feel good about yourself and your life.

[Marleena]

Kaitlyn gave some great advice there. Corrine first of all pat your self on the back! Take baby steps! Start to think about the positive things you've done so far. Each of us has a unique situation. Yours is difficult because you're still at home. One great thing is that Toronto has a thriving TG community. Don't be afraid of support groups, they will be a big help. We all struggle with coming out. I've only begun the process myself. Just yesterday I came out to another GG friend and when I told her I was trans she said, "is that all?" She's already giving me makeup tips and being supportive.

You are still frail emotionally but you're young so take your time. You have to do what's right for you because only you will live your life. I have made compromises that may only be temporary and you'll probably do the same. At some point your mom might need to talk to your therapist to get a better understanding of what you're dealing with. Think of the positive things you've done so far. This is not a race and going too fast will make it more difficult. You seem determined to move ahead and that's a good sign.

[whowhatwhen]

Funnily enough that's what my therapist said, but it's hard to do something for myself when I know it's going to cause problems.

As an example:
If my path stops short of transition, I'm still going to be pretty super-gay so working towards a more feminine appearance is nothing to me and is just a part of getting my body and self-image to where it needs to be.
But I would feel bad expressing myself in a way that would be visible, if that makes sense?

I don't care if people see me as gay, hell, I carry a purse everywhere so people probably just assumed by 99% of people.
In theory I could go out and do something simple like get a manicure and colour, even looking like a guy since any stranger's negative reactions are simply not worth caring about. I'd totally wear neon green for example :)

However, I could see it being a source of stress for my mom so I don't express myself in that way.
The thing I hate the most is causing pain/stress in people, especially the ones I care most about.

The last time we talked about anything trans related she said that she needed more time to come to terms with it.
With what?
Judging by earlier comments about what men are supposed to do/have she doesn't understand at all.

Yet, I keep myself from being more expressive to spare her.
Though I still will never go back to actively emulating masculine behaviour, seriously it's one hell of a drain constantly wondering of you're doing it right.

The superficial things are just the tip of the iceberg.
I keep thinking more and more about HRT and it's potential emotional benefits, that and shutting up Prof. Wang would be a nice bonus.
But that would be the ultimate hurt for my family, that would be much harder to process than anything.

Meanwhile my expression is locked away, swimming around with the gender issues that are unresolvable in the current situation.
I just wish I could have one day, just one, where I wasn't thinking about gender.

[stefan37]

You are young and you recognize that you need to change. That knowledge combined with your youth will go a long ways towards you being whole. Transition takes a tremendous period of time to adjust and assimilate. Take your time explore your self and start to save your money. If need be take steps to strengthen your financial situation. Transition will require lots of money. Moving out without the proper resources or planning could be disastrous at this stage. Make a plan with a goal and work towards it. No matter how slow it may seem, as long as you are moving forward you are making progress. Imagine being 55 and deciding your life took the wrong path and now you have veer off in a new direction to get back on track. You are in a good place and in time will be in a better place.

[Marleena]

I feel like I'm only talking to myself lately so I'll just STFU.

[whowhatwhen]

Why?
I've always appreciated any advice given by you, and lots of other members here.

:)

[kellycan27]

Once I came out to my parents and even with the ensuing chaos... A huge ( and I do mean HUGE) burden was lifted. A burden that I no longer had to hold on to no matter what came next. No matter how hard things got.. I felt free. Something to think about.

[Kathryn Martin]

Why are you so sure that you need to protect your mother from what you perceive to be a pain and stress fro her. How do you know it will be that? Do you know what stresses a mother more than anything else? To see her child suffering is the worst. And you should not for one moment think she does not have an inkling.

In a sense this sounds a little like a cop out from having to face what you must at some point.

[Angela Campbell]

I really wish I could convince myself of that. I am not sure my Mother would really believe there is pain and suffering involved. I guess I will find out soon.

[kellycan27]

There's no guarantee. You just have to make up your mind to take that huge leap of faith come hell or high water.

[whowhatwhen]

Why are you so sure that you need to protect your mother from what you perceive to be a pain and stress fro her. How do you know it will be that? Do you know what stresses a mother more than anything else? To see her child suffering is the worst. And you should not for one moment think she does not have an inkling.

In a sense this sounds a little like a cop out from having to face what you must at some point.

You're right, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared but that hasn't stopped me from other things.
The thing that makes me feel like she isn't ready for this is the fact that I came out to her quite a few months ago.

You'd think by now she'd have at least done some research, or even opened up a dialogue to ask me directly but that hasn't happened.
I still get the "men should/don't/do" stuff which, given the amount of time since I came out basically says she thinks it's just something to live with.
Though it may be up to me to start things up. My therapist suggested a scenario where neither of us speak up for fear of hurting the other, perhaps that's just going to be the way things are until I pipe up.