Broken Mirrors - - -

[melissaK]

So a forum sister recommended I watch a music video "Got Monsters" by metal rock guitarist Keith Caputo, who has since gone on to be Mina Caputo. She said it was about being TS, and Mina nailed it in the video. She said it was moving to her, and warned me I would cry.

http://youtu.be/D9GhaCdLtd4

So I watched it. She was beyond right.

And aside from truly tragic events, like the live footage of the collapse of the World Trade Center Towers and the on rush of the Tsunami in Japan on 3/11/13, nothing has ever hurt so much for me to watch.

The World trade centers had me collapse in tears in my living room, the Tsunami the same, but this video was too personal. I didn't cry. I went straight from "awww" to emotional shut-down to cope with the pain it uncovered in me. I didn't stop to cry along the way. I just went dead. I have spent the last two days trying to recover, to work through this pain and get back into some state of normalcy. (I dissociate my feelings to cope with stress and emotional hurt, and this process that used to befuddle me is understood by me now, and I can cope without it escalating - but I am digressing).

The video uses a mirror to express the disconnect Mina feels between who she physically is, and who she knows herself to be in her mind. And, this disconnect with mirror images of our TS self is something I have always identified with. MIRRORS ARE ALL BROKEN. They lie. They do not show "ME."

It has been a problem for me my whole life.


- I have a series of self portrait photographs from high school which I made to explore this .


- It has been the topic of more than one counseling session in the last 20 years.


- During an epic bout with severe dissociation that expressed itself in split or multiple personalities, mirrors were truly surreal experiences for some of my personality alters.


- It has been the topic of more than one or two of my posts in this forum over the last 7 or 8 years. (example: "mirror mirror on the wall" 12-01-2006).

And when I made those posts years ago, no one else stepped up and said, "Yes, Sweetie, I have this same problem, all the mirrors are broken. " But I realize now those posts were back in the CD part of the forum, before I joined the TS section.

So, go watch Mina's video if you haven't yet, and let me ask it again, " Has anyone else felt mirrors are broken? " Clearly Mina gets it. Do any of you?

[Kathryn Martin]

Mirror fools

‘tis the mirror that must be broken.
In the painted faces without mirror
we find the fools we are,
pretending to be actors –
have you ever seen
the face of a fool and the joy it shows in the folly
of those painted faces picture perfect
when the mirror's walls close in
with the image of I am not that! break it;
your foolishness will guide you
from the broken shards
that where once walls

KMD 2004

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That was a very moving video...

i have a mirror on the side of my bed...just like the person in the video... i understand the feeling of looking into it blankly


Kathryn, that poem is haunting and beautiful..


thanks you two for starting my day off with a crying jag...

[MysticLady]

Hello All
Melissa, Thank You for introducing us to this video and artist. As I mentioned in Georgie's thread about the bond between a daughter and a mother, I noticed that my mother was also on that video ever watching over her daughters(1:48-1:53). Blessed be my heavenly mother for she continuously begs my father for tolerance and forgiveness. I say this teary eyed because of the love my Mommie gives me no matter what.

[Katyana]

For me this is a matter of perspective. For me, I was only able to move on when I accepted that the best thing to do was admit that I will always have a male side. Admitting that ended a 40 year source of stress in my life, and ONLY then was I able to start compromising on what would stay and what would have to go. So when Ilkoo in the mirror, I see me, regardless of what I have on. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way.

[arbon]

I hated mirrors. I hated my image. I was so disconnected from my own body.

[Lynnmorgan451]

<--- grown man crying at work like a little girl

[Angela Campbell]

I should not have watched that. It reminds me of my monsters. I spent all of my life running the monsters away from the ones I love and never had a chance against these. Somewhere in the corner hiding in a closet with her knees drawn up against her chest is a little girl who is tormented by these monsters.

I always hated my body, I never took care of it, I was obese and really did not care what it looked like because it was wrong all the way around. It can be fixed. and maybe those mirrors can be fixed too.

[Anne2345]

So a forum sister recommended I watch a music video "Got Monsters" by metal rock guitarist Keith Caputo, who has since gone on to be Mina Caputo. She said it was about being TS, and Mina nailed it in the video. She said it was moving to her, and warned me I would cry.

. . . .

So I watched it. She was beyond right.

Wow. It is not often that I am right about things around here. As y'all are painfully aware, I am wrong way more often than I am right, particular when it comes to things about myself, but I digress . . . .

ANYWAYS, I think it is kind of interesting how I came to view this video, so I thought I would share. Among those that I have come out to, I came out to my best buddy Dan close to a year ago. Like so many others within the general population, he had very little understanding or concept as to what being transsexual actually means, or what it really is.

Unlike most others, however, Dan is a sharp, curious, intelligent guy that takes tough and complex issues that come before him that he has little experience or knowledge of seriously. So in addition to all of the discussions we have had here and there, Dan has taken it upon himself to learn about this from other resources than simply my word. Much to his credit, he has learned much about TS issues since I came out to him, and he consistently has forwarded links to me that he believes I may find interesting.

Several months ago, he sent me the link to this video, which I forwarded on to 'lissa the other day.

Along with the link that was sent to me, though, Dan explained that out of everything that he had read, reviewed, considered, and that we had talked about, that this one video, in and of itself, did more to help him envision my life, and to understand (in as much as any real understanding is possible) and imagine what being TS must be like more than any other resource prior to that.

And yes, my friend Dan is an amazing guy. It's too bad more people are not like him . . . .

[KellyJameson]

I have a friend who is a professional female impersonator. He identifies as a man but the world see's him as a woman and treats him as such.

He has been having emotional difficulties because he feels like "he" is slipping away and so he is losing himself by being defined by others and always seeing this image of him as a woman.

His world is not mirroring back to him who he knows himself to be because the world does not see a man because he looks like a woman even when he is not in costume.

I suspect the experience is similar for transman as well.

The tension between what is known on the inside not being mirrored back, whether in the image of a mirror or in the eyes of those you encounter is painful.

Identity as this knowing while everything states otherwise creates a constant cognitive dissonance that is intolerable.

You know something to be true but everything states otherwise so your truth is always under attack.

The mind is not meant to hold two contradictory beliefs at the same time.

I knew of this video but avoided it because I knew it would bring back memories of earlier times that I would just as soon forget.

I do not understand where identity comes from but clearly it is important to our sanity and when it is not supported we become sick, and this is true for everyone

[Jorja]

Don't you all know that a broken mirror is 7 years bad luck? Be careful out there!

[Emma Beth]

All I can say is just, WOW.

I probably would have understood this video differently if I hadn't come to my own recent understanding of my self. The tears will probably flow sometime in the morning, hopefully before I go to work at 2 a.m.

I really get this, very deeply.

Thank you for sharing it.


Jamie

[kellycan27]

I have mixed feelings about this video. It was very poignant to be sure... On the the other hand it was quite depressing.
IMHO posting this video is akin to showing a condemned man videos of executions.

[Marleena]

@ Kelly I found it depressing, so you're right! It just so happens I'm trying to help a GG friend with a clinically depressed BF. He's driving her nuts and it's driving me nuts trying to help her. That video is very profound and would be disturbing to me on a good day. I wish I didn't look at it now.

[max]

I have mixed feelings about this video. It was very poignant to be sure... On the the other hand it was quite depressing.

Yeah it was very much mixed feelings for me.

Of course after watching it I spent the next three hours or so crying harder then I have in a long long time.

But I also gained a better understanding of myself in the process, or perhaps I simply accepted myself a little bit more?

[arbon]

I did not finish watching it all until tonight.... definitely hit me.

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, this is so introspectively correct that it is a very depressing depiction of what is a universal experience.


Barbara

[PaulaQ]

That is a really powerful video. I identified with it a lot.