Really thought I was going to make it this time

[Leyna]

Six months ago, I was having a "girl day," when I looked in the mirror and realized how ridiculous I looked. So I purged. Again. But this time, I was really done. I haven't shaved my legs, my chest, or my pits since. I haven't so much as put on lip gloss. Didn't look back, and didn't even feel the pull of it anymore.

But today, I have a couple doctors appts. So I decided to take the whole day and maybe do something productive, like get some writing. Except I'm not writing. I laying on the bed, staring at my wife's makeup and dirty clothes -- some panties, a skirt, some slacks, a few really nice tops, and assorted camis and tees -- and I want so badly to be Leyna again. :sad:

But I can't. And I won't. I'm done.

Maybe I'll just buy some rocky road, eat the whole tub, and have a good cry.

[Rachelakld]

Helping re-build a boat helps me take my mind off crossdressing

[DanaM64]

Hi Leyna,
Maybe take matters into your own hands... (literally) and afterwards the urge will be lessened?
Will also help fill some of the time before the wife gets home...

Just a thought?

I just wanted to add, thanks to a caring person bringing it to my attention!

That I meant the above as a distraction, from the way you worded your post this was the 1st real desire or thoughts of dressing...
So for a quick means of putting your mind at ease so you could concentrate on your writing, I mentioned above!
By all means not to offend...

[suzy1]

My heart goes out to you Leyna.

The point about this side of us never going away has been made here about a zillion times, but it’s true!
You only see yourself as ridiculous if you let yourself see it that way. You are not being ridiculous, you are just being you.

All the best,

Suzy

[noeleena]

Hi,

Leyna.

Well if that shot of you in your pic is anything to go by, well youd beat me by a county mile, wow,

You used ridiculous. I have a lot more words i can use about my self, & if you have read my posts youd soon see and understand why.

i think you look pretty good,

...noeleena...

[Lynn Marie]

Posting here after purging is like hanging out with smokers after quitting smoking! Why do you think people in Alcoholics Anonymous avoid bars and hang out together? They're trying to avoid temptation and support each other. If you really want to stay purged then do what's necessary like keeping your mind occupied with other things that you can become passionate about. Otherwise, post here, buy some lingerie, and makeup, and a wig, and a nice pair of strappy pumps, and get over it.

[suzy1]

Words of wisdom from “Maggie the cat”:)

[Laura912]

Excuse me, but this is the choir....

[DanielleLee]

Posting here after purging is like hanging out with smokers after quitting smoking! Why do you think people in Alcoholics Anonymous avoid bars and hang out together? They're trying to avoid temptation and support each other. If you really want to stay purged then do what's necessary like keeping your mind occupied with other things that you can become passionate about. Otherwise, post here, buy some lingerie, and makeup, and a wig, and a nice pair of strappy pumps, and get over it.

Well there ya have it from Lynn.... if you're a CDer, who has purged or doesn't dress, well then you shouldn't be here on this forum. Most certainly, you shouldn't be posting. :brolleyes:

Wake up Lynn, this site is not only for CDers. It's also for TGs or for spouses or for loved ones. Its for people with an open mind and who need support. I would be okay with you and even agree with your "posting here is like" analogy. It was fine until you said "get over it". Quite unnecessary and rude, "Sir"

[Beverley Sims]

Leyna,
"Maybe I'll just buy some rocky road, eat the whole tub, and have a good cry."
Then go out and buy another complete wardrobe so you can purge that too?

I have writers block too. Some wish it would happen to me here.
Think about it, think of the waste and don't do it all again, just remember when other interests come into your life, don't purge, put it in a plastic bag until next time.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Leyna, you can decide not to do something, but you can't decide not to want to do it. One way or another you'll need to deal with that reality.

If you genuinely want to abstain, this is not the place to hang out.

[linda allen]

I have said it before but I'm glad to see others saying the same thing; If you're trying to quit crossdressing, don't read or post on crossdressing forums.

On the other hand, you may feel that you look ridiculous in a mirror, but who cares. Don't look in the mirror. Or, use the mirror constructively. Photos are better. Look at how you can improve your presentation. Wig? Jewelry? Makeup? Something as simple as a smile?

Many of us are pressured to quit by family members or fears of hurting loved ones. If you want to quit, you can do it. If it's just because you don't like what you see, it's your choice. You are not hurting anyone by dressing.

[I Am Paula]

Try reverse psychology. Put on women's clothing, and vow never, ever to change back. It's easier, and so much more satisfying.

[Stephanie47]

I will concur, if you are determined to expunge any and all vestiges of cross dressing, maybe you should not visit this site or any other.

On the other hand, if you are looking in the mirror and feeling the image you see is "ridiculous," and, you feel you do not look feminine enough, that's a different story. Your picture does not come across as some hulking mass of muscle bound male. You sound as if you are suffering from being too critical of yourself. I see many more women who are average in beauty, if there is such as term, and, many who could use a total makeover. Frankly, if you're still fighting society's expectation of manliness, maybe all hope is lost. I do not know why I became a cross dresser. I know what dressing in women's clothing does for me. I have given up psychoanalyzing myself.

If dressing in women's clothing gives you some sort of relief from a stress factor, then try to find a substitute. And, make it one that is productive or at least no injurious to your health.

[sometimes_miss]

Maybe I'll just buy some rocky road, eat the whole tub, and have a good cry.

Great. Now I'm all dressed up and want to go out and get ice cream. (growls as I'm taking off all the pretty girl stuff). Mmmmm. Soft chocolate frozen custard with sprinkles. Mmmmmmm. Gotta get some. Oh well, it'll be worth it, I can always dress up again when I come home (with a bunch of extra ice cream to stick in the freezer for next time this happens).

[Leyna]

Thanks for the replies? This did one thing for me: it reminded me that CDs can be b*tches too. Sometimes I get this warped perspective of how great some other time of my life than the crappy one I'm going through now. But this has been a reminded to take off the rose colored glasses and remember that life has always been crap, and always will be.

Hugs & kisses!

[Aly Cat]

So this coming from a guy who is strictly forbidden to crossdress (me), I fully understand the stress you are under. I feel it all the time now that I cannot crossdress. I must say that being able to be on this site and talk about my desires and everything does help me get through it without "cheating". I want nothing more than to have my stockings, panties, and skirt on right now, but at least for the moment, I can release some tension by talking about it and still be able to express who I am through words rather than appearance. Its tough though and I feel your pain. I wish you the best. Hang in there.

To follow up, I have relied on this site more since Ive stopped dressing than even when I was dressing. When I was, I didnt really need support other than how to handle my wife. Now that Ive gotten my ultimatum and dont have a choice but to stop, the desire crushes me and by the time I finish hanging out on this site, I feel like I can manage if not forever, at least another day...and thats all I can do; take it one day at a time. Crossdressing is about expressing ones self in their true manner. For us, thats putting on womens clothes and being feminine. You can express yourself in more ways than just putting on clothes though. Talk about it as if you are doing it and just enjoy the show as women walk past. There is no shame in saying...wow, that is a cute pair of pumps or youre hair looks great! (of course do it in an appropriate way.) Live vicariously through others and use your imagination!

[Barbara Maria]

I tried that,too.Made it 5 days,that was it.

[Jessica86]

I do this from time to time, but I seal boxes of things and put them in the garage. I stopped purging because I accepted myself. If it makes you feel good, why not do it? I know some people have judgements on it and even perspectives like wives or girlfriends do. The main point that needs attention is this is who you are. You can not change it. You were dealt cards when you were born. You can fold, or you can play. If it's free buy in, see what you get when the flop comes up. Nobody has the right to take happiness from you that stems from something that is not hurting anyone. I am who I am. I know my wife hurts from time to time, but she would hurt more from my depression from cutting out this part of me. Those words came from her in a discussion about Jessica one day.

[Julie Gaum]

Danielle's reaction was that some of these posts need support --- that's an understatement! Where to begin is the question. Leyna is sure life has always been crap and Eva states that he is strictly forbidden to dress because of an ultimatum while Barbara tried abstainining for five days --- what on earth for? If it were possible that you could stop CDing then I would agree that this Forum is not the place to be. Then I should not watch TV ads because I plan to stop eating. For hundreds of millions in this world the life ahead will only be starvation, no shelter, no water, no medical aid, watching your child being raped or husband's head being lopped off --- for those millions of living, breathing souls life IS crap and they have no choice! But what I'm reading on this thread show some are making their own living hell and they DO have choices. Please change your path and PM any experienced member or to me, Julie. The road of life is ahead of you so step over that bump.
Julie

[DaniG]

Just my $.02, but why make yourself miserable? You have a feminine side. There's nothing wrong with that. Accept yourself for who you are and enjoy dressing without guilt or shame.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I'm sorry that you didn't like some of the responses, Leyna. If you look more closely I think you'll see that (almost) every single one of us is being supportive of your goal of not crossdressing. I guess you wanted hugs not tough love.

[Nyla F]

To Leyna and anyone else visiting this site who has quit crossdressing, is abstaining, or otherwise trying to cope with not being able to crossdress for long periods of time.

I empathize with your situation and hope you find ways to cope that leave you feeling at peace. I hope you feel welcome one this forum, there is room for people in many different circumstances and you are sure to find others here that can relate to the struggle you are going through. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to who will listen. I often find that just talking about a problem helps me to see the situation more clearly and I can imagine a solution or realize the problem isn't that big even if the other person did nothing but listen.

So go ahead, post away. I'll listen.

[Megan Thomas]

Leyna, I could chorus along with the majority of comments here but if abstention is for you then I wish you well. Perhaps it might help you if you understand why you are abstaining and stay focused on those reasons. The bottom line though, is we are all different and if what you do is right for you and those around you then it's right, plain and simple. It's your life, live it how you see fit and not through the opinions of others.

[AimeeG]

Well there ya have it from Lynn.... if you're a CDer, who has purged or doesn't dress, well then you shouldn't be here on this forum. Most certainly, you shouldn't be posting. :brolleyes:

Wake up Lynn, this site is not only for CDers. It's also for TGs or for spouses or for loved ones. Its for people with an open mind and who need support. I would be okay with you and even agree with your "posting here is like" analogy. It was fine until you said "get over it". Quite unnecessary and rude, "Sir"

One time @ cross-dressing camp...I purged...and then I cried about how much I still wanted to dress...and then Lynn (my savior) picked me up, came over to my house, did my make-up, took pictures on the balcony, and drug me out into the night "light", and I've been there ever since. Love you LADY! You are not a sir.

[Lynn Marie]

isn't it wonderful to have sweet girlfriends like Aimee. Love you dearly girl.

[Lorileah]

OK Kids, stop the fighting. The opinions stated were that, opinions. If you don't like them, move on.

Any more sniping and this is history...got it?

[Tracii G]

By looking at your avatar you don't look bad at all most deff not ridiculous.
I do worry about your defeatist out look.Self pity is what it sounds like and that is never a good thing no matter how bad things seem it could be a lot worse.
Married life can be hell I know from experience having been being married to two of the worst women on the planet.
I have never purged but I can imagine how lost I would be with no girls clothes to wear.
Don't really have any words of wisdom but if you want to PM me I'm all ears.
Some times just having some one to talk too is helpful.

[Leyna]

OK Kids, stop the fighting. The opinions stated were that, opinions. If you don't like them, move on.

Any more sniping and this is history...got it?

Honestly, I'd appreciate it if you just locked the topic. (Really, I'd appreciate it even more if my account could be deactivated, but apparently that's not the policy around here.)


By looking at your avatar you don't look bad at all most deff not ridiculous.
I do worry about your defeatist out look.Self pity is what it sounds like and that is never a good thing no matter how bad things seem it could be a lot worse.

Sorry I didn't see this before my last couple posts. First, thank you. And I do realize that I've probably been overreacting to a lot of things. So I guess I should toss out by way of context that what you're seeing is more than self-pity; it's clinical depression. It has dogged me my entire life. This is a particularly tough patch right now. Given that many CDs/TSs suffer from these sorts of problems, I didn't feel the need to spell it out. But perhaps I should have.

[Beverley Sims]

I remember the movie Carousel, where Billy Bigelow said to his daughter listen to the old doctor.
The tune in the background was you'll never walk alone.


I wont call her anything but wise, but some of you had better listen to Julie Gaum, she does have her finger on the pulse for a lot of us here.

[Lorileah]

OP would like the thread closed.