meghana
04-27-2013, 01:11 AM
For the last couple of months, I’ve been yearning to share this little secret of me and it was really burning me. Not that I needed somebody’s validation or acceptance. I grew weary of my solitude and I just wanted to free myself of all the thoughts that were confined inside of my head. I wasn’t sure if it’s suicidal to do something like this. There’s only one person that I could trust at this moment… It’s my colleague. His liberal attitude and open-mindedness made him my number one choice.
I finally worked up some courage to invite him to my place for a dinner and I told him in advance that I got something serious to talk about. Finally the moment i’ve been waiting for so long has arrived and I didn’t know how to start. My heart’s pounding against my chest as if it were hammering its way out. Then I showed him a photo that I was carrying in my mobile phone for this reason. Upon seeing that picture, he looked puzzled for a couple of minutes and hasn’t recognized me at all. That didn’t surprise me as I sport a very masculine look as a guy with all the moustache and beard. He was flabbergasted when I told him that it’s my picture.
He asked me if I was gay and even doubted my manhood..lol Then comes the creepiest response which I haven’t expected from him or anybody for that matter. He asked me if I do it for money…My mind goes WTF!...this has unsettled me a lot. The initial 15 minutes were uncomfortable for both of us. Then I told him that I’m not gay and I like to dress like a girl sometimes. I explained to him that there’s a part of me that likes being feminine and this is my creative gender expression. Then he says “it’s abnormal for a guy to dress up as a girl and it is against the norms. He showed some concerns that I’d end up becoming a woman if don’t stop it now. I assured him that I don’t want to have any surgeries to change my sex and my gender expression has nothing to do with my sexuality. Then I had to tell him how it all started and the feelings that were there from my younger days. He started comparing my urge to dress with his smoking addiction for which I blatantly refused. He thinks it’ll create some problems for the woman I’m gonna marry next year.
Then he tells me, it would be easy for him to accept me if I were gay. This doesn’t show any fairness as “being gay “doesn’t go well with the society either. I talked to him about his Hindu gods who have female avatars..for which I didn’t get a satisfying reply. Already three hours into the discussion, he started closely examining my picture by zooming it coz he couldn’t believe his eyes. He asks me " are these really your lips?". Then he asks me about the process of makeup and how I get dressed. I started describing all the things I do and it brought some smiles upon him. Then he insisted seeing my stuff and more of my pics. Then I showed him some pics that I posted on some social networking site (not FB)…he liked my blond hair and really surprised to see me with long black hair. He started reading the comments I got though I insisted not to coz it’s making me really uneasy. Then he saw my accessories that got delivered that day and says that I should buy in person instead of spending more on online shopping. He asked me if I have any more pictures and he really surprised when I told him that I’ve got around 2 thousand pictures. It’s already 4’o clock in the morning and I gotta go to work at 7, so I had to end it though I wanted to talk about it forever.
Though it didn’t go the way I wanted but it’s not that bad either. For a short time, i felt slightly regretful that I shared this secret with him though I trust him very much. I met him couple of days later. He tells me that he read some literature to understand transgenders and I was happy to know. His perception has changed a bit since then..I thanked him for being there for me and receiving me with an open mind. Don't forget that it's not easy for him either.
As an advice to all my friends, be careful about coming out..especially, the person that you choose. It could go either way. Though I had plans of being out to all my friends, I don’t wanna do it again. I don’t want to hurt myself and be broke. I’m absolutely happy in the closet at the moment.
Love,
Meghana.
I finally worked up some courage to invite him to my place for a dinner and I told him in advance that I got something serious to talk about. Finally the moment i’ve been waiting for so long has arrived and I didn’t know how to start. My heart’s pounding against my chest as if it were hammering its way out. Then I showed him a photo that I was carrying in my mobile phone for this reason. Upon seeing that picture, he looked puzzled for a couple of minutes and hasn’t recognized me at all. That didn’t surprise me as I sport a very masculine look as a guy with all the moustache and beard. He was flabbergasted when I told him that it’s my picture.
He asked me if I was gay and even doubted my manhood..lol Then comes the creepiest response which I haven’t expected from him or anybody for that matter. He asked me if I do it for money…My mind goes WTF!...this has unsettled me a lot. The initial 15 minutes were uncomfortable for both of us. Then I told him that I’m not gay and I like to dress like a girl sometimes. I explained to him that there’s a part of me that likes being feminine and this is my creative gender expression. Then he says “it’s abnormal for a guy to dress up as a girl and it is against the norms. He showed some concerns that I’d end up becoming a woman if don’t stop it now. I assured him that I don’t want to have any surgeries to change my sex and my gender expression has nothing to do with my sexuality. Then I had to tell him how it all started and the feelings that were there from my younger days. He started comparing my urge to dress with his smoking addiction for which I blatantly refused. He thinks it’ll create some problems for the woman I’m gonna marry next year.
Then he tells me, it would be easy for him to accept me if I were gay. This doesn’t show any fairness as “being gay “doesn’t go well with the society either. I talked to him about his Hindu gods who have female avatars..for which I didn’t get a satisfying reply. Already three hours into the discussion, he started closely examining my picture by zooming it coz he couldn’t believe his eyes. He asks me " are these really your lips?". Then he asks me about the process of makeup and how I get dressed. I started describing all the things I do and it brought some smiles upon him. Then he insisted seeing my stuff and more of my pics. Then I showed him some pics that I posted on some social networking site (not FB)…he liked my blond hair and really surprised to see me with long black hair. He started reading the comments I got though I insisted not to coz it’s making me really uneasy. Then he saw my accessories that got delivered that day and says that I should buy in person instead of spending more on online shopping. He asked me if I have any more pictures and he really surprised when I told him that I’ve got around 2 thousand pictures. It’s already 4’o clock in the morning and I gotta go to work at 7, so I had to end it though I wanted to talk about it forever.
Though it didn’t go the way I wanted but it’s not that bad either. For a short time, i felt slightly regretful that I shared this secret with him though I trust him very much. I met him couple of days later. He tells me that he read some literature to understand transgenders and I was happy to know. His perception has changed a bit since then..I thanked him for being there for me and receiving me with an open mind. Don't forget that it's not easy for him either.
As an advice to all my friends, be careful about coming out..especially, the person that you choose. It could go either way. Though I had plans of being out to all my friends, I don’t wanna do it again. I don’t want to hurt myself and be broke. I’m absolutely happy in the closet at the moment.
Love,
Meghana.