The Elephant In The Room and Relationships

[Taylor Ray]

So I just read a thread entitled "The elephant in My room is starting to make some noise", and I must say that it really blew my mind. All of the posts were very sincere, and there were many profound points made in regards relationships, gender identity, and the terminology associated with crossdressing. I found all of the points of view very helpful and powerful.

I identify as a crossdresser who enjoys dressing fully at home, and also enjoy expressing myself sexually while dressed with both females and males. I have been a serial monogamist the past 15 years, with most of my relationships ending amicably for common reasons. My last relationship ended because my girlfriend wanted to have children, even though I had told her when we met that I wasn't interested in starting a family.

When I was 25 my girlfriend at the time took issue with me wearing lingerie. She felt that there was "something wrong with me", and that I needed to change. Our relationship didn't last very long.

I am curious about other forum members situations and wondered if some started wanting to dress after they were already in a relationship, and if some already dressed but hid that part of themselves at the beginning of a relationship. Seems like it would be difficult for a SO to learn later in a relationship.

[Jenniferathome]

It is difficult to open up many years into a relationship. THAT is why so many hide for so long. I came clean after more than 20 years of marriage. It was a shock, to say the least, for my wife but we are now better for it. There is no easy way to open up,but if you have a strong relationship, you can survive this mini crisis. Honesty is the best policy.

[STACY B]

The whole reason people don't tell until now is there are a lot more people willing to accept it now than before . Don't get me wrong there are still lots that don't ,, But hell everyone can't agree on everything ! Just hope your one of the lucky ones ?
Just check out thread put out by Marlenna ,, What people did before ,,

[AmyGaleRT]

Taylor, my ex-wife never knew at all, at least I don't think she did. I had been dressing (somewhat, I was still in my nightgown phase) before I met her, but I wound up purging. I had started developing myself as a CD after she left when my present fiancee and I fell in love, and I thought I could just "put it away." Of course, I couldn't. I wound up telling her when I thought we were going to have to tie the knot quickly because of a medical crisis, and was pleased to learn her reaction was, "So?" Being open with her has really helped.

- Amy

[~Joanne~]

I didn't know what I wanted to do was fully dress until I was well into my current relationship. It started with pantyhose and my SO didn't have a problem with it. It kind of grew from there but in the closet. She didn't know I was buying or trying different things and I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her or not. By time I had decided that she needed to know and I tried to figure out how, fate decided to decide how for me. She has been nothing short of amazing about my dressing and hasn't had any problems accepting it or supporting me.

[Sabrina133]

Taylor, Ive experienced both circumstances. I am currently in an LTR with a woman who knew from the start that i not only dressed but prefered living mostly as a female. I've also been with others who didnt find out until later that i dressed and prefered to present and live as a female - those relationships didnt last. I think it was because when they did find out, it was too soon after we started dating. I hadnt given the time for the relationship to mature. Have to admit, i think the best chance for me to have a lifelong relationship is with my current SO.

[Taylor Ray]

Taylor, my ex-wife never knew at all, at least I don't think she did. I had been dressing (somewhat, I was still in my nightgown phase) before I met her, but I wound up purging.

I have been in a similar situation. I was still in my lingerie phase and I would hide my stash. I would wear panties under my clothes but would wear boxers if I thought I was going to have an intimate evening.

It seems that once a relationship begins to grow and I become more attached, it is always tempting to keep that part of myself "tucked away".

[Greenie]

It seems that once a relationship begins to grow and I become more attached, it is always tempting to keep that part of myself "tucked away".

I think that you might get a greater reward coming out earlier than not. My SO and I have been together 6 years. Up until the last couple of months we have been talking about getting married and having kids. Since the CDing came up... we have had to put a hold on those plans, get a counselor and see if this is something we can really work out. The sad thing is... Had he told me earlier... I would not have broken up with him, I would still have wanted to work this out and figure it out together. But it was a rally hard finding out after you had been living with someone and sharing a life with them. Your GF will think "How? How did I not know" That's a hard realization, and I think knowing from the get go would have been great.

[Sara Jessica]

I'm glad you liked my Elephant. By the way, she is copyrighted (Elephant ©SJ) my billing is in the mail ;)!!!

The question you pose is more about disclosure rather than an elephant, per se. Elephants exist where people know about something and choose to ignore it or where there are signs of something that cannot help but to give off clues as to it's nature to others.

Disclosure in and of itself is a very personal decision, one which most would agree is of the utmost importance when a relationship takes shape. I feel for those who are in a situation where they got married without disclosure of their TG-ness, however that might manifest itself. That has to be the most difficult situation imaginable.

[Beverley Sims]

I have always considered this forum educational.
Now we are learning about how to keep elephants in our rooms.

What is good is everyone is reading previous posts and learning.
Good for you Taylor and Sara, I will leave the analysis to others here.

[Taylor Ray]

The sad thing is... Had he told me earlier... I would not have broken up with him, I would still have wanted to work this out and figure it out together.

Thanks for sharing your situation Greenie. Extremely helpful to hear from a GG/SO!

[Taylor Ray]

The question you pose is more about disclosure rather than an elephant, per se. Elephants exist where people know about something and choose to ignore it or where there are signs of something that cannot help but to give off clues as to it's nature to others.

I'm glad you showed up on this thread, Sara, and thanks for your amazing posts and sharing! I was going to post on your original, but it was already so packed full of insights and posts that I felt more comfortable starting a new one.

I agree with your point about the meaning of the "elephant in the room" phrase. In retrospect I might of said "the elephant in my mind". Perhaps I envisioned myself in conversation with that 'other' part of myself and she was like "are you going to tell her already" and I kept ignoring that part.

[Lynnmorgan451]

I am in a LTR, going on 9 yrs together and things have been rough even without the whole CD elephant...And my elephant is uglier than a CD elephant cuz I came out to my wife as a transsexual about a year and a half ago. On both sides of the coin, when to tell an SO, I can say that had I told her when we first met we would be less than acquaintances right now. Instead we have three children under 5 yrs old, broke as hell and working constantly, going to college full time and now shes about to get a job to make ends meet so life is definitely not without STRESS, and on top of it all, I come bursting out of the closet as a tranny....didnt see that comin! I think that because she had an opportunity to KNOW me, before she knew everything else, was kinda good because I earned her love whereas had i just told her, " Hi my name is Morgan and I'm a transsexual" She would've probably not even shaken my hand. But now, it looks as if things may not work out for us. Either way, we have beautiful children and as far as things go, my purpose is being served supporting them regardless if we are together or not....good luck whatever you do :)

[Taylor Ray]

when to tell an SO, I can say that had I told her when we first met we would be less than acquaintances right now.

Thanks for sharing your situation. Sounds complicated to say the least. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward. I do struggle with whether or not to disclose my cross-dressing when I begin dating someone. Like you say, they may just say no thanks!

Will my cross-dressing prevent me from finding authentic intimacy?

[Jackie7]

Well if you want to have a chance at acceptance, you have to give partners a chance to accept you. Keeping the secret does more harm than the content of the secret.

[Taylor Ray]

In a brand new relationship situation, when is it a good time to bring up the fact that I cross dress? I wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone this when we first met, because in my experience there are a few months of "getting to know each other", and it might be TMI early on.

Maybe when things begin to get serious? But of course at that point, I might already have feelings for the other person, and it would be a more painful rejection.

And then the next time I might wait longer?