How to know who to tell and who NOT to.

[Greenie]

Hey everyone.

My BF and I have run into a dilemma. On this journey we have been discussing a lot who to tell about his CDing and who not to. This has been really hard for us because in the last month someone we chose to tell... Lets call them T from here on out. Has not been the best confidant.

So I work with a girl named T. She is one of the most outwardly accepting people my BF and I have talked to. She is bi, has a best friend who is a lesbian who is married to a FtM transgender. I thought she was a great friend and mf BF loves her as well. We discussed telling her, because well BF wants some people besides me he can feel comfortable in front of, and his family and friends are not that person.

I recently found out she has told other coworkers. both my BF and I are distraught. We don't know who knows and what they know. But people we didn't tell have been told a different part of the story.

How do you decide who to tell or not? Say you make a mistake like this and tell the wrong person.... Have you done it? What would/did you do? And lastly any advice for our situation in general?

[nikkijo]

It's only taboo if you make it taboo. Openly discuss it and its easier to just be open. But if you deny it it gets ugly fast

[Kelley]

When you tell people you should tell them that it is is strict confidence. Other wise they my assume you are comming out and soon everyone will know and it's OK to tell.

Kelley

[Kate Simmons]

You have to be careful Hon. The old expression "Loose lips sink ships" didn't come about by accident. Sometimes we just have to rely on our gut feelings in this respect. That's a bit easier for myself since I'm empathic and can sense feelings. It can be somewhat of a crap shoot if we don't pay attention. I think the best rule of thumb is don't say anything to anyone you are not comfortable in saying. Not everyone has our best interests at heart, including some so-called friends.:)

[Stephanie47]

The best kept secrets are kept by one person. I can understand wanting to validate one's lifestyle by gaining acceptance from others. I wouldn't get dolled up and drop over to a neighbor for a beer, and, not expect a different reaction. The neighbor probably has become a friend based on interaction up to the point of me knocking on the door in a dress and heels. If a cross dresser is seeking interaction with others to validate himself, sometimes I think it may be best to establish new relationships through a support group or social setting accepting of cross dressers. Sometimes, "Hey, mom and dad, do you like my dress and heels?" does not work well.

[Leah3723]

I've not been dressing long. Only in underwear and a dress indoors. However my wife and I have had a great chat. And now we want to take things further go to a pub/club etc and find new friends on the way. I know it's hard to tell the people you love. But it's such a weight of your shoulders. I can be who I want to be and so can you.

[Marleena]

I identify as TS but I see no reason to tell anybody if you (your SO) are CD. If you just have to you should have a feel for who you can trust but then again sometimes it doesn't work out that way either. Confusing, yes. Once it's out there it can spread like wildfire.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

While it's nice to have some people know so you can enjoy a warmer friendship or relationship, why else would anyone need to know? In the past year I started to tell, 60 years later except for counselors I've talked with. I've told 4 women friends from the past from our school days. But before I did I carefully built up my friendships with them and followed my gut feelings about them because it just felt like a relief to have some others know. For one thing I would listen if they talked about other people and maybe divulged other's secrets, or if they had a tendency to gossip. I did stress confidentiality and trust issues.

I've known for years that people knew and talked behind my back at work before retiring. Maybe one or two were unkind to me but they never came right out to say something to me. Some were distant but most were okay and even kind. My attitude carried me through the worry. I recently learned that my wife's family somehow found out about me well before we married and that's over 20 years ago. Then I told my wife about it. We were both shocked that no one said anything to us. So we don't know who knows. I'm not going to obsess over it. I just act as myself and that nothing's wrong. No one has hassled me over it.

Cheryl Ann

[2B Natasha]

The real question I have for you is. What has T been telling everyone? Has it been derogatory? Kind? Informal? Is T trying to get one over? Is T's real motivation so that the work environment is easier and more excepting? HAve yo talked to T about this and what did they say?

Fortunately or unfortunately one cannot tell how people are going to react once you tell. will they keep it to themselves or post in on Facebook. Nobody knows.

Before one tells another soul about this or anything else, one must ask themselves if they are ready for their " Secret " to no longer be a secret. I used to feel the same/ It's my secret and if I tell you , you, you can't tell anybody swear on it. But I changed that after reading what someone on these boards wrote once. They said, and I'm paraphrasing now. That once you tell someone you cannot expect them to carry your burden for you . They are then free to unburden themselves form this information. Think about the fact of how much pain and mental turmoil that you had to go through for YEARS. Now by telling someone these information and then denying them the ability to unburden themselves you are damning them to the same anguish that you had. But now YOU'VE relieved yourself of this and they are barred.

I hope you both find out the answer to the reason why T is saying whatever they are saying and it is benign.

Cheers

[Jenniferathome]

Kae, once you tell a secret, it is not YOUR secret anymore. None of the listeners have a vested interest in your secrecy. That is just life.

[Beverley Sims]

It hink now it is out, say nothing and see who comes forward and wants to know more.
They may be more genuine.
No use saying you are upset about it now although you could confront T and ask what was said, considering her own circumstances.
Was it vindictive, is another aspect.

[arbon]

Want to keep something secret u don't tell anyone if u do its no longer secret

Should not be upset at anyone but yoursellf if it bothers you they told someone

For a short time I tried to keep control of who knew what about me but what I learned people are people and they like to talk about interesting things and you just can't control them that way. I heard rumors about me that the person telling me did not even know it was me they were talking about!

How to know who to trust, you don', you trust them let go of what they do and be true to yourself

[Karren H]

I'd assume if you tell one or two people.... that sooner or later everyone will know.... so might as well bite the bullet and come out fully....

[Greenie]

Yeah. I get what you guys are saying. He is not ready to be open with EVERYONE. It really is an all or nothing thing? How sad is that? There really is a lack of trust in the world now adays that telling one person means he should be ready to tell everyone?

Its worse because he is not sure what he is.. What he wants.. what this is. He is looking for understanding people who can help him find out.

Is it really that impossible for people to decide who to tell they are gay, or bi, or transgendered, or just a plain old cross dresser in their OWN words. On their OWN time. I guess I can't accept that its fair to tell someone something and then its fair game for them to talk about it openly to everyone else. We can't go to my place of work and sit everyone down and be all like "HEY SO.... I know you heard ______ but lets talk about it" Its both uncomfortable for him... and UNPROFESSIONAL for something we told her outside of work to be talked about at work.

:/

Sad. Well thanks for your feedback. Its just sad that is how that has to work.

[Kate Simmons]

A person's integrity has to be proven Hon. Some just cannot contain confidential information, unfortunately. Someone who is tried and true is worth a lot as a friend. I have many such friends but they are not easy to come by. I hope you SO get to a point of being comfortable with himself. :)

[Marleena]

Greenie people can be real a holes. Outing one's self gives people ammo if they want to be cruel. You have to be so careful. Since some CD's don't live the life full time I don't see a reason to out themselves. If a friend busts you then I can see coming clean. On the bright side once the gossip dies down it won't be as big of a deal.

[arbon]

Its just the way it is.

There are people that will keep a secret - but there is no way to know who those people are in advance. I had two friends that never uttered a word about what was going on with me to anyone. But they were the exception. Most of my friends and family (wife to) talked. And it did not take long before everyone in town knew.

when you confide in someone your taking a risk, you know what the risk entails, if you cannot accept the consequences of what could happen you keep your mouth shut.

Or if you really have to talk about it and it has to be kept private you go to a mental health professional or priest- someone that HAS to keep a confidence.


Edit: I will give some hope. The people most likely to keep a confidence are the ones that you never see gossiping or talking about other people.

[Ressie]

Well, just tell us on this forum. When someone hears the secret that someone they know personally is a CD it's pretty hard for them to keep it to themselves. Even you as the girlfriend could let it slip unintentionally. Maybe a Tri-ess or similar local group is the answer.

[ArleneRaquel]

I told my daughter about 9 years ago, she won't let me see my granddaughter, or visit her home. We talk on the phone once in a while. So my judgement was wrong, in this case. I dress nearly 24/7 so only who comes in contact with moi knows, as I am not very passable, at least than's my opinion.

[Marleena]

@ Arlene, that is just being cruel! Just because you are TG? Just WOW!

[Jenniferathome]

.... It really is an all or nothing thing? How sad is that? ....

Kae, remember that it is not "all or nothing" it is just that you will not know if it is all or nothing. You will have friends who take it to the grave with them, others figure if you told them, they can tell others. You don't know, with certainty, who you told it to.

[Wildaboutheels]

Kae, I believe you are making a very common mistake. It's nice to believe there are people that are "sharp enough" AND open minded enough to be able to keep secrets because they understand that sometimes THERE IS A REASON FOR KEEPING SECRETS. Something very few members here seem to understand.

And sure there are people like that in the world, just not many. Telling anyone a secret, despite their Realtionship label - brother, sister, coworker, SO, husband, wife etc. is almost a guarantee that word will get around and when that happens, the story is not likely to be very accurate because people will put their own spin on it when they pass it on and they will.

You have known your fella for 6 years and known about the CDing for 2. What has the "progress" been [if any?] in those 2 years is the real Q. You say he doesn't know where he is going or where he will end up at this point like so many here. Can he even answer if transitioning is OFF the table? Does he still enjoy being in male mode with you and does his job require him to be in male mode? Is he "miserable" in male mode?

Did you decide you needed to tell folks because you don't want to worry about getting "caught" out in the RW?

How does one know WHO to marry or start Dating?

How many divorces are there now, because one party or another made a bad CHOICE?

There are no guarantees or ways to tell on WHO will keep a secret. It's a roll of the dice.

Even though the cat is now out of the bag, if you now go around and start telling everyone, it will make folks think you are "guilty" of something IMO. Better to explain it to folks you encounter as needed I think.

[~Joanne~]

Is it really that impossible for people to decide who to tell they are gay, or bi, or transgendered, or just a plain old cross dresser in their OWN words. On their OWN time. I guess I can't accept that its fair to tell someone something and then its fair game for them to talk about it openly to everyone else.

It shouldn't be impossible but unfortunately it is. I agree, if I want someone to know, it should come from me, at the time of my chosing, when and if I am ready to trust said person. I am sorry your SO had her trust broken by someone she should have been able to count on.

It happens all the time that's why I agree with most in this thread, Once you let it out, don't expect it to stay with one or two people. I think people are always trying to make themselves feel better than someone else through the pressures of society and that's why this sort of thing happens.

At this point, I would act as normal and see where the chips fall. Nobody may ever say a word about it. If they do deal with it then and ask them how having such information effects Their life...when they say it doesn't, just walk away. end of conversation. No one needs to explain themselves to anyone else in this life.

I don't accept people's concept of "fair" either.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Its just the way it is.

Edit: I will give some hope. The people most likely to keep a confidence are the ones that you never see gossiping or talking about other people.

So true. That's why I would only tell someone that I know wouldn't tell me anything about other people. There's an old saying, "If someone is talking about others, they're probably talking about you."

Years ago during a nasty divorce, people were finding out about me thanks to a vindictive ex wife. I grew very paranoid and had a huge defense built up around me that darn near killed me. After awhile I became desensitized. I also think that if anyone heard the words, "Did you know about "John" and that he crossdresses and wants to be a woman?" the shock and novelty would die. After awhile the dust settled. I think after awhile people who get used to knowing either forget about it or it just doesn't matter anymore because they also realize your best qualities. They might even think it to be a maliscious unfounded rumor. "So what if "John" is different, he's still a nice guy and he isn't hurting anyone." Who knows? I know I've gotten used to people knowing. I've made new friends and the real friends are those who remained my friends.

Cheryl Ann

[Natalya]

Once the cat is out of the bag, that's it I'm afraid.

Nevertheless, I think you'll find that the 'fall out' from all this will be nothing like as bad as you might be fearing but, before deciding how to deal with it going forward, it will be as well to look into why your SO decided it was necessary to come out at all. It's no good blaming anyone - what's done it done - and, on a subconscious level at least, your SO may even have been hoping that this is exactly what would happen.

Just assume, now, that this information is in the public domain. You no longer have control of where it gets to. You cannot control or predict how others will react to it. IMHO the worst thing either of you can do now is imagine that there is something you can do to change that.

Play it cool, like it's no big deal (even if you both feel it really is); being out, once the dust has settled, is quite the most liberating feeling there is. It has been for me, anyway.

Good luck.

Natasha.

[Ciara Brianne]

As you have found out, you never know for sure until do it. I'm sorry to hear your confidant didn't keep it confidential.


Ciara:<3:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Greenie, Did you ever hear the old saying , You can't UNRING a bell once you tell someone it's out there.

It's like putting something on the internet it's out there for ever.

[PaulaQ]

Kae,

I would tell your friend that you are very unhappy with her for outing your SO. That is uncool, she may think 'oh, it's no big deal, it's just like being hi', but it isn't tomany people, and it wasn't her secret to share, in any case.

Well, now you know you can't trust her with anything else.

As for what to DO now? There really isn't much except to either ride it out, or change workplaces.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

The only way to tell if someone is trustworthy is to test them with something a lot less crucial first. If it gets back to you - don't trust 'em. If they tell you gossip about anyone else, don't trust them. If they are a very open person, who doesn't have any secrets themselves, don't trust them, such people simply don't understand secrecy. (Seriously, if you can read their entire life on Facebook, don't assume they have a clue about privacy.)

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I'm having lunch with one of my high school gal friends soon and I'll be in male mode. We're very discreet when we discuss me. We discussed the possibility of a coming out lunch for me all dressed but then she began to put things into perspective and asked me if I really wanted to do it at this stage. Our gut feelings said we shouldn't. She said, "Once you come out you can't go back."

Cheryl

[Aly Cat]

Personally, I have come out to about 4 people. Three of them I told (one being my wife) and the fourth found out on her own. My sister and my wife are the only two I really had to put trust in because they are close to all other family...and I have a big family.

Now, my wife who hates it and thinks its a sin, sought counseling from a few people at our church so I know that they know and she sought counseling from a friend of hers so I know that her and her husband now know as well. My manager found out on her own by finding my secret shoe stash at my store so I had no choice on that one. To everyone else, its like...at this point, what the heck. Who cares.

I have found that the people my wife has told at our church now decline our offers to come over and have card night or just hang out. (It could just be that they are busy, but maybe not. The wife of the couple still hangs out with my wife so it must be me.) Also, her friend that she told doesnt ever talk to me anymore. Oh! and her brother now knows. Hes a very cool trustworthy person, but hes...how should we put it...a "Manly man" and he thinks its totally wrong but will keep the secret.

Its funny, everyone she has told does not approve and everyone Ive told excluding my wife has approved. Something fishy going on there. Cats out of the bag now. The only people I am afraid of knowing are my parents because I live next door to them and that would just be a disaster. My sister loves it and wants to go shopping with me! Her husband knows and he of course cracked a few jokes apparently but his thought is...to each their own.

So ya, moral of the story? When you let the cat out of the bag, you get lots and lots of kittens and none of them are going in the bag!

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Okay Eva Lynn, you'll need to ask yourself what is more important: Pleasing people by conforming and following societal norms, or being true to yourself and happy in a liberating way. Only you know that answer. From what you've said and if I were in that position, my nature would have me telling everyone to go take a flying.................!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tread cautiously girl!

Cheryl

[Karen Francis]

It really is rather simple. If you tell ANYONE it will eventually make it to persons you never intended to know. Same goes for being "found out". Human nature being what it is, this type of thing is way too much for most people to keep in complete confidence.

[Cheryl H]

When it comes to telling others about CDing or other related issues, I always use the "need to know" method. If there is no reason that they need to know then don't bother telling them. There may be those you feel you can talk to and you may want to talk to. But do they really understand the concept of an "alternative" lifestyle and the implications of outing you. As a previous post stated, they may feel that by coming out to them you want to come out to everyone. So be careful who you speak to and make sure they understand the implications and the confidence you come to them with.

[Eryn]

The probability of a secret getting out goes up with the square of the number of people who know it.

This is an adage from the world of classified programs but it holds true of any group. Tell a coworker something juicy about yourself and it will get around. What you consider an Important Deep Dark Secret they will consider a juicy bit of gossip.

The only way to keep a secret is not to tell it. Unfortunately, this does not work well for most of us.

One compromise is to separate your TG life from your mundane life with space. My femme side doesn't do anything in my local community other than drive in and out of it. Outside of that "no-fly-zone" she is free to do as she pleases. I haven't tried to convert my mundane friends into friends of my femme self. Instead, I've created new friendships within the TG community, a much surer way of being accepted than the hit and miss of muggledom. My wife has also made friends within the TG community, both with other TG individuals and with their spouses. This gives her accepting friends to bounce issues from if she feels the need and does not endanger either of our mundane lives.

[STACY B]

Think about this ? People might talk an think they know ,, But they really don't know if they haven't seen you or see you doing something out of the ordinary ? So don't sweat it if your not running around town . How many people over the years an in your childhood have you herd of that are CD ? You never gave it one thought ,, Sometimes there are whispers about HE likes to dress up like a Woman ,, But if your never seen your not likely to be outed to your face ,, It will pass !

[flogo920]

Right On, Cheryl H !!!! Need to know is a basic criteria. Living deeply in the closet presents a paradox for me- I have had intimate discussions re the whole TG thing strangers whom I met online, but have NOT told friends of 30+ years duration- why- it is nothing I can share with them, and they suspect I am already eccentric.

Hugs,

Flo

[2B Natasha]

What I still want to know is. Was it malicious that she told others? Did she hope to gain an advantage over you or your girl? What was the point?

For while it is true that you cannot un-ring a bell perhaps the ringing of that bell was to warn to to enlighten. Please find out before you go over the edge. Remember that coffee company you work for is right in the trenches on the TGBLQ issue. They where one of the first to support ref 74 loudly. They put not only there voices to it but there money as well. The are a huge presence in the pride parade every year. Acceptence is part of the culture in that company and in the barista support center.

Again. Please do not just assume that it was malicious. For you know what they say about assumption. They make fools of both of us.

[Chickhe]

...all depends what you tell. I never told anyone, I do dress up every Halloween and almost all of my friends have seen me... I feel no need to explain anything. I can confidently laugh at anyone who makes a negative comment. But, I don't really live my life any differently than anyone else and I do keep my personal experiments to my self... I believe its positive attitude and once you know you are as normal as the next person its not really a big deal.

[sometimes_miss]

This is a big problem; those who are 'out' to the world about their own situation, very often just figure it's in other's best interest to be out as well, so they out them. They have good intentions, with disastrous results. It's one reason I don't want to tell anyone.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Another thought: The fact that maybe too many or the wrong people know could affect your working, business, or professional dealings. A lesbian friend told me about a local small company, while laws prohibit discrimination or harassment, made her life miserable in the workplace in subtle ways and she ended up quitting. I'm my case, I'm retired and financially secure so it doesn't matter much to me if more people found out about me. If they ended our friendship, well, I figure they were never real friends to begin with. I have enough real friends I can trust and stand by me. This is probably why us elders are more open about ourselves. It's actually a relief for me. I was harassed enough on the job by a couple of idiots who shouldn't have thrown stones in the first place. Their lives today aren't the greatest. Mine is!

Cheryl

[linda allen]

....................How do you decide who to tell or not? ...............

You don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know unless you don't care if the world knows. And never put it in writing or on the Internet. Again, unless you don't care who knows.

[Aly Cat]

So get this. My manager had a talk with me today. I wrote into a radio station recently about a dilemma that i was facing in regards to crossdressing and all that. Well, apparently i left a draft of it on the work computer and someone found it and told my regional manager. So my regional manager talked to my manager who already knew and She explained everything to her. Well, aside from my regionals first reaction which was OMGWTF!!! Shes totally cool with it! Now, i did of course get the talk about not putting personal stuff on the worj computers..which was my bad. I thought i had deleted it. But, they are both worried about our corporate office finding out and sabotaging me. (It would not be the first time they have done it..different circumstances of course but apparently they do stuff like that.) So now another team member knows and my regional knows. In all honesty, i could care less who knows anymore. That cats been out of the bag for a while now. I just dont want to be discriminated because of it, because that is not ethical at all. At least my regional and i can now talk about fashion since i know she loves that!

[Greenie]

Hey everyone. So update.

Sadly. It turns out she was being vindictive. She obviously has nothing better to do then talk about others behind their backs. I decided to not confront her and when people ask me to be honest and just tell them that its not a negative thing, we are working on it and that if they have any more questions from here on out to talk to me about in instead her.

Thank you guys for trying to help. I guess I we will just have to be more careful in the future. :(

[~Joanne~]

when people ask me to be honest

I have a problem with this sentence. First of all, it's none of their damn business, let alone ask you to "be honest". CDing is not a negative thing either Greenie. You shouldn't have to tell anyone that, they should already know that. I am tired of self righteous people thinking they are THAT important.

Sorry all of this happen to you and your SO, I am sure you'll bounce back from it and really, it's only between you two, no one else.

[Rogina B]

Want to keep something secret u don't tell anyone if u do its no longer

How to know who to trust, you don', you trust them let go of what they do and be true to yourself

And what difference does it REALLY make if someone knows something like"you are of a T mind"? In the end,it will not harm you as the angry mobs with forks and torches only exist in closeted people's minds.

[kimdl93]

Some people just don't know when to stop talking...your bi friend may be just such a person...you know the kind...keeping a secret is just painful for them. So perhaps innocently enough...or even rationalizing that it would be Ok! She told someone else. And then it ain't a secret anymore .

I don't think there is a reliable method of knowing who to tell . A better question to ask is who needs to know...and why. I am all in favor of coming out if it makes sense with your situation. But if you're intent is to keep it a secret, except for a select few, those few must have a proven track record of discretion.

[Sabrina133]

you've told one, you've told all. Just be ready for it.

[linda allen]

you've told one, you've told all. Just be ready for it.

I've told my wife. More than told her, we shop together and she sees me dressed almost daily. She will not tell anyone else because it would embarass her. I'm confident of that. I'm also confident that she wouldn't tell anyone unless I was OK with it.

Understand though, we have been happily married over 30 years and there's little chance that something would come between us that would cause her to try to hurt me by letting the cat out of the bag. Not all marriages are like this and when there's a problem or a breakup, "My husband is a crossdresser!" could easily come out of a wife's mouth.