What does cross-dressing make you feel? Where could it lead?

[Nonny]

My SO wants to cross-dress. It's currently on the back-burner because I can't cope with it at the moment and he doesn't want to cause me more stress. I feel awful about this, what is he missing out on? What does cross-dressing make you feel? I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode. Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?

I want to demand he answer these questions but I know he can't. At the moment he's going through a phase of not needing to dress but I know it comes back, just as his need to be with a man does. Will I never be enough? :( Why is this urge so strong?

A lot of people on this site seem to already be in committed relationships. I certainly love my boyfriend and consider us to be serious but we do not live together, nor are we any further along the relationship than a few casual years. So although there is commitment it is very slight. Would you rather have waited and found a person who wanted what you did? Should we break up so I can help him do what he needs and find what he wants?

Could people try and actually answer the questions rather than making snap judgements about whether or not we should remain together....
e.g.

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL? WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS? There are things I want to do which I will quite happily not do because it means I can be with him. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you are not married, it would be best to end the relationship so both of you could find you desire, and spare any future heartbreak. The fact he is bisexual in of itself does not mean he will cheat on you, but if he is saying he wants to be with a man means he may not be faithful to you forever, and he might be trying to tell you that. Based on the experiences of others, this isn't going to work out well, best to set each other free before you end up in any kind of lifelong commitments.

[Christine.Lolita]

It does not sound like you will be happy or he will be happy in the current situation. The urge he has to cross dress will never go away.

[Sylvermane]

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL?

In regards to what he may be feeling so you can understand somewhat I hope. When I dress I feel normal. I feel right. I am completely relaxed and feel like it was meant to be. I am TG though. Non TG CD's will have different reasons such as simple comfort, emulation, plain boredom with male clothes (which I also have), countless reasons really. For me it is a compulsion, almost something I have to do. I don't understand why I do it because I know I will never be what I truly want to be but I can't help myself either. Helps me feel a little better, even if it is simple as a skirt with hose & heels of some sort. Don't know how else to describe what it is. It is different for everyone though. He may not fully understand his own reasons. I didn't for the longest time. Just knew I wanted it, and I got it whenever I could.


WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

I could never be with a woman who didn't fully accept what I am. It would add to much difficulty to a relationship, they are difficult enough as it is. I was lucky to find someone who thinks its the greatest thing ever. She loves it.

If he wants to dress as a woman and be dominated it may be a simple fetish thing and you may have nothing to worry about. But I am not remotely knowledgeable about such things, just an observation as I've poked around lots of fetish stuff while trying to figure out what was going on in my own head that lead to all this in my life.

[Nonny]

If you are not married, it would be best to end the relationship so both of you could find you desire, and spare any future heartbreak. The fact he is bisexual in of itself does not mean he will cheat on you, but if he is saying he wants to be with a man means he may not be faithful to you forever, and he might be trying to tell you that. Based on the experiences of others, this isn't going to work out well, best to set each other free before you end up in any kind of lifelong commitments.

Does it take marriage to keep a couple together through this?
People never find exactly what they desire. Why should desires necessarily be followed anyway? I have many desires I resist.
Based on what experiences of others?
Do people need to be married to be able to 'cope' with these situations? That sounds like 'having to cope for the sake of a promise' rather than anything else.
Why wouldn't he just have avoided getting into a relationship if he still wants to get sexual experiences out of the way?

[Shari]

Tough one Nonny.
Sounds to me like you might already be at the line when it comes to him wanting to be with a man. The dressing may be the straw that broke the camel's back. Too much give and nothing in return. What do YOU get out if it? Better said, what is it that you want from him? Are you getting that?
However, from where I sit, I have to think that if you're willing to put up with him being bisexual, that the benign nature of crossdressing wouldn't be that big a deal. As far as him wanting to be dominated, it's a natural thing for many of us crossdressers when we don the fineries.
The benefits might be that if you accept this part of him, perhaps the other part will simmer down or even go away.
The question is, is it worth it to you trying it to keep him?

[Kate Simmons]

Crossdressing is a process. Like any process it can take on a mind of it's own and wander if not controlled. A person has to decide if they control the process or it controls them. That is easier said than done, as humans tend to take the line of least resistance. That having been said, it can either be a rewarding experience that enriches the person or something that ends in total chaos. That depends on the person's choice.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Hi Nonny, and welcome. Good for you for taking the time to learn about this.

A person's gender identity (male/female/trans) and their sexual identity (straight/gay/bi) are independent of each other. Every combination exists. Statistically, most crossdressers are like me, heterosexual males.

A lot of people here talk about a "transgender spectrum". It's an over-simplification, but on one end are casual crossdressers and on the other end are transsexuals. Transsexual people are strongly driven to change their bodies and actually become the opposite sex, via hormones and surgery. Along the spectrum are different levels of drive. For example I think of myself as transgendered, but my drives are not all that strong. Crossdressing is enough for me; a bandage instead of a scalpel. It's hard to generalize, but if your SO's drive to crossdress ebbs and flows, then he is probably not headed for surgery.

The best way I can describe it is feeling right. Because I was born male I was pushed into certain roles by society, and they were never comfortable for me. Changing my body image -- my self-image --with clothing allows me relax and be the person I really am. I have never felt 100% male; dressing somehow evens things out for me. It allows me to indulge my softer, more feminine side.

Maybe it would help to look at this like a "religious" difference. It depends on how strongly he is driven, and how strong your feelings are. It's not fair for you to be forced to go to church, or for him to have to stop. If you can work out a balance that satisfies both of you, then the relationship can move forward. Remember too that people grow; he may become more or less "religious" over time. As may you!

Take everything you read here with a grain of salt. We are all different people with different needs. All we can do is tell you how we feel, and why we do it; only he can tell you how he feels.

It's a feeling not a choice, so it's often hard to put into words.

[Beverley Sims]

Nonny,
it is something you would have to work at all the time.
If you want to stay together try and ask questions about his desires when dressing.
I know you think it is gross at the moment and you can lessen the impact by reading some of the posts here and see how things that gross you out are accepted.
There is nothing dirty or unusual about what a couple does between themselves when engaging in love making.
It all boils down to erotica. meaning something that turns you on.
His not needing to dress at the moment is because he is more involved with you.
When the relationship stabilizes he will want to engage in a bit of erotica again.

You are correct in not demanding answers, they will probably be lies, things he thinks you need to hear without offending you.

What he is missing out by not dressing is a bit of erotica for himself. This comes out as frustration on his part and denial as to what he really wants to do.
That is engage in dressing up.
If you wish to stay together try and work it out as I have said.
Do not break up over this, it is really quite trivial and can even be fun once you have got over the imprinting of how gross it seems to be.
I for instance do not like a gay lifestyle but as long as they do not pat me on the bum, I will associate with them as a person and encourage them to live their lifestyle.
I do have gay friends and we share hobby interests.
One friend will remark, I think he looks good, and I say yeah, I think she looks good.
We recognize our disabilities so to speak.
I am married and have a supporting wife although not a hundred percent.
She still has her moments and always will.
There are no arguments and we work together in our relationship.
Give it a go, love will find a way.

The grass is not always greener on the other side anyway.
Think about.
Drinking, violence, tattoos, drugs.

A little bit of costume play sounds tame to me.

[linda allen]

My SO wants to cross-dress. It's currently on the back-burner because I can't cope with it at the moment and he doesn't want to cause me more stress. I feel awful about this, what is he missing out on? What does cross-dressing make you feel? I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode. Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?.......................
WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL? WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS?......

Nonny, I will answer your questions first then make a suggestion.

For me, crossdressing makes me feel comfortable. I don't know why although at this point (I'm nearly 70 years old), I know my mother really wanted a daughter, not a son and I have reason to believe that she dressed and treated me like a girl when I was a very young child and nobody was around to see.

I should say this; I dress at home, I don't walk around the neighborhood dressed as a female and have no desire to have anyone else but my wife know about my dressing. Given the chance, I would dress in public in another city where there's little chance of being recognized. Some people carry crossdressing much further, some less than me, perhaps just wearing panties to bed.

It's not really a sexual thing. It might have been years ago but it's not now. There have been some romantic moments with my wife with me playing a "lesbian" part but that's not the norm.

Where will it lead? For me, like I said above, dressing around the house and dressing in public where I won't be recognized. For me, it will lead no further than this. No desire for a sex change operation or living full time as a female. No desire to be with or have sex with a male.

OK, now for my suggestion: You say your boyfriend is bisexual. By definition, that means he enjoys sex with both males and females. Consider this: He cannot be bisexual and be faithfull to you, the two are mutually exclusive. If you are OK with your boyfriend or husband having sex with other people, fine. Most people are not and I am not. For me and most folks, marriage is a commitment to a single individual.

Think long and hard before entering into a marriage or long term relationship with someone who will not be satisfied with only you. This has nothing to do with crossdressing, it's about the bisexuality. Crossdressers can be happily married and faithfull to their partners. Bisexuals cannot.

[Karen_K]

Hi Nonny,

Kudos to you for wanting to find out more and understand your boyfriend's feelings.

Crossdressing makes me feel relaxed, comfortable, and natural. It's difficult to say if that's what your boyfriend is motivated by, as everyone is different. And it's probably impossible to say where it will lead without more context. That he is bisexual and maybe wants to be with a man seems to be a potentially bigger issue than crossdressing by itself. And crossdressing by itself would not necessarily lead to that outcome. But if he does have that desire, it may be coming from somewhere else.

Plenty of us are in committed, loving relationship with SOs who are supportive of crossdressing. The most critical factor in the success of that is communication on both of your parts. If he can't, or won't tell you what he's feeling and what he wants (and answer the questions you have), then its hard to see how you can be supportive. At the same time, you need to be able to tell him if he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Linda, I believe you are badly misinformed about bisexuality. Nonny probably knows that, and that's not what this thread should be about, but I felt compelled to comment. :eek:

[linda allen]

Linda, I believe you are badly misinformed about bisexuality. Nonny probably knows that, but I felt compelled to comment.

You are not helping much by saying that I am badly misinformed about bisexuality but not explaining it from your point of view. How about posting why you think I am badly misinformed by posting your definition and opinion?

[Lisa Gerrie]

Nonny asked about crossdressing, not bisexuality. This is not the place for a discussion about whether or not bisexuals are capable of fidelity.

[linda allen]

Nonny asked about crossdressing, not bisexuality. This is not the place for a discussion about whether or not bisexuals are capable of fidelity.

This is part of her original post:


He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?.......................

I believe it is appropriate and on topic.

Now if you want to explain to me why you think I am misinformed about bisexuality, fine, I would love to hear it. Otherwise, you shouldn't have said it in the first place.

[Lisa Gerrie]

IMO fidelity has much more to do with the intensity of a person's sex drive than bisexuality. There are lots of people who are capable and incapable of it, straight, gay, or bi.

IMO it is an unfair and potentially harmful generalization to claim that any bisexual person in incapable of being faithful. If you want to discuss this further let's PM.

[NicoleScott]

The questions you ask are best answered by your SO. You ask us, and you'll get a range of answers. For example, you ask how crossdressing makes you feel. For some of us, it makes us feel "right", relaxed, comfortable, dressed in alignment with an internal feminine identity. For others of us, it makes us feel excited, sexually aroused. You'll have to ask your SO what makes CDing makes him feel.
Same with the other questions, such as being dominated in femme mode, and being with a man. Only he knows.
It's clear that you care for him enough to consider going further in your relationship, but you need some answers.
No, don't break up with him, continue to find understanding, as long as you think you are getting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
There may be questions he honestly doesn't know the answers to. That's OK. Just keep the dialog going.

[Jenniferathome]

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL?
WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS?
There are things I want to do which I will quite happily not do because it means I can be with him.
WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

Hi Nonny, here's my shot at this:
Cross dressing is a stress reliever for me. I firmly believe that it is something genetic for the non-fetishist cross dresser. The "feeling" is very difficult to explain but there is a sense of peace and calm when I dress. Maybe you could call it a point of closure.

You have said your SO is bi AND he wants to have sex with men. THAT is not a good sign. My opinion is that he WILL act out. In addition, taking cross dressing into the bedroom is NOT the norm for your typical cross dresser. That is more a fetishist thing. I would never, never, never ask my wife to engage with me in that way. She is not interested nor am I.

My wife is understanding, so I can not comment on the last question from experience, but I am sure everyone would rather have an understanding SO. The strain on relationships I read about here is intense if the SO can not "deal with" the cross dresser.

Good luck

[linda allen]

IMO fidelity has much more to do with the intensity of a person's sex drive than bisexuality. There are lots of people who are capable and incapable of it, straight, gay, or bi.

IMO it is an absurd generalization to claim that a bisexual person in incapable of being faithful. If you want to discuss this further let's PM.

That's not much of an explanation, but I'm not going to persue it through PMs. I'm obviously not going to change your opinion and you are not going to change mine.

I find your use of the word "absurd" to describe my opinion insulting. There are better ways to disagree with someone.

[boink]

Hello, Nonny!

For me crossdressing makes me feel relaxed, comfortable in my skin, and whole as a person. It can be occasionally erotic, but the vast majority of the time it's just about being me. When I don't get the opportunities to dress I end up feeling edgy and having body image issues.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are not related, however, if your SO is explicitly submissive and bisexual its definitely worth considering what that could mean. Just because someone is bi doesn't mean they are any more likely to cheat on a committed relationship, my partner is bi, and that hasn't been a problem for us. Same goes for dominant/submissive tendencies and other sexual fantasies. If you both communicate well and your needs are being met in general in the relationship it's all manageable stuff. What is worth asking your partner about is if those desires are something he feels a compelling need to act on. And then beyond that the key if you want to stick together is good communication, trust, and a willingness to be patient and work through what both of you need to feel good/whole.

My partner is very accepting/supportive now, but it took a while to get there. At this point if she was at a point where I couldn't crossdress period I would want to find a new relationship, but other than that I am perfectly willing to work through any other little stuff. There are things that she liked/dislikes more than others, but on a whole she's very accepting/supportive and most importantly I know I can always talk to her without guilt (and vice versa) if I feel either of our needs are not really being met.

If you love your boyfriend, and he feels the same, and you're both willing to make things work then there's no reason to question the relationship.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Linda, I meant absurd in the sense of "over the top". I have edited my post to better express myself, and I apologize for offending you.

[Taylor Ray]

Hey Nonny-

I identify as a bisexual and a CD. I also enjoy being in committed relationships with women. In my experience, when the sexual chemistry in a relationship is strong, and both my partner and I are satisfied with our sex life, I don't have any urges to be with other people.

Like others have said on this thread, cross-dressing itself manifests differently for different people, and doesn't have to "lead" to anything. That being said, I did have an experimental phase with expressing myself in different sexual ways. That phase allowed me to understand my own needs better, so that when in a relationship I am able to express those needs. As I matured, I was able to be more in touch with my partners needs as well, through trusting communication.

Oftentimes, we would learn as a couple that we had different needs. With mutual respect, we were able end our romantic relationship, stay friends, and support each other. I encourage you to trust and explore your own feelings about your situation. Compatibility has many variables.

[Jackie7]

Your first question: Crossdressing feels physically good and mentally fun, it gives a slightly shifted view of the world and one's place in it, it induces female movement and mannerisms while dressed, and taken together those things represent a shift in consciousness that is a welcome relief from state of mind of the horny old dude who shares this body. Yoga and dangerous adventure cause the same shift, I do yoga too but have given up on the other.

Your other questions: neither of you can know how it will unfold. It's his journey and yours too if you choose to travel together. I have only observed bisexuality, I am hetero though gay-friendly and bi-friendly, but my observations tend to the notion that CD tendencies and bisexuality are independent variables, one doesn't cause the other and they can/will each move on their own paths. Like others here, some years ago I seriously considered hormone therapy and reassignment surgery, but rejected it as not right for me. Like others here, I was married for a long time to a woman who was not understanding, but my dressing was only one of many factors leading to our divorce. I've since remarried a woman who is both understanding and participates, I often dress around the house and we go out together a couple of times a month, and her advice to you, which I can only echo, is to look for ways YOU can have fun with it. And don't do the stuff that's not fun for you, for example I often wear a girly nightgown in the evening but take it off when we go to bed and/or have sex because bare skin is her preference.

A few ways to have fun with it:

A CD partner can be a great and tireless shopping buddy, it's a bonus if you are about the same size (we are) because you can swap and borrow, and if he is submissive as well, you could just command him to handle all of the checkout lines, returns and exchanges for you while you shop on or drink coffee. It's only fair to budget so that whatever he spends on his wardrobe, you spend on yours. We have a lot of twinsie outfits or closely related ensembles, that's a blast if you are up to going out together dressed.

And if you do get up to going out together he'll never again be able to bitch about how long it takes you to get ready, because it will take him a lot longer. Two elegant ladies out for dinner together get very fine and attentive treatment at any good restaurant. Two elegant ladies out on the town can jump the line at nightclubs, they'll want you inside to be part of the glittery scene. If you are anywhere near the same size you might try cross-dressing yourself, my wife enjoys the sloppy simplicity of men's clothing, not to mention the myriad of pockets and the fact that she can get ready to roll in five minutes, ready in fifteen even if she takes the time to bind her breasts, stipple her "beard" with eyebrow pencil, and pack her tidy whities. Dressing as a burly man releases a macho side of herself that she ordinarily suppresses, she takes charge in best manly fashion while I hang on her arm to keep myself from tottering off my high heels and frankly, in those moments she is all the man I need.

[Rebecca Watson]

What does cross-dressing make you feel?

I feel like a nice respectable lady. It makes me feel great when people treat me like a lady.


I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode.

There are a lot of guys who like this, and very few women who enjoy it. Most of these men will miss out whether they like it or not. I used to like this, but not so much these days. At the time, I was aware of this fact, and was consequently reasonably satisfied with the occasional "play time" usually prompted by myself. Also, it's plausible that the crossdressing stems from a desire for forced feminisation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminization_(activity)), rather than a genuine desire to look like a girl.

From my experiences, the best thing to do is to find a way to make this kind of activity seem like fun rather than an obligation. For example, once my wife wrapped me up in a blanket so I couldn't move, then put makeup on me. She seemed to think it was rather funny. And it was a rather nice surprise (which I still remember years later)!


Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?

No idea. "Impossible to see, the future is." -- Yoda


Would you rather have waited and found a person who wanted what you did? Should we break up so I can help him do what he needs and find what he wants?

I think it's unwise for this alone to be a difference between breaking up or not. It's most likely there's no person on the planet that matches his list of desires.


WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

I'm in a different country to my wife at the moment, and she doesn't know about Becky yet. The one time she found some ladies shoes of mine (which weren't exactly hidden) she said "I cannot accept this" and threw them out. I'm hopeful that when she learns about Becky, and finds that she looks like a respectable woman (and not some cheap tart or drag queen) she might think it's fun. However, more likely than not, she will continue to disapprove. Nevertheless, I have absolutely no regrets about who I chose to marry.

- Becky

[Beverley Sims]

Nonny,
I hope you are able to read between the lines as we may all not understand your questions and as we misconstrue things we do have a little infighting.
Please ignore this as some of us have been here a while and have strong views of others.
We are all trying to genuinely help.
If you can encourage your SO to join as he could then ask questions of us as well.
Someone mentioned the Female at birth forum.
You can get other girls comments there if you feel more at ease.
You have not replied here yet although I would say you have read what has been said.

[Amanda M]

As usual, my friend Jennifer has it right. Take on board what she said, Nonny. I would not presume to tell you what to do. Only you and your partner can make that sort of decision. However, I a sure that it would be helpful to you to ask yourself these questions:

Can I handle his cross dressing, and if so, where would MY limits be?
How will I feel when (and I say when, rather than if) he acts out his bisexual nature?
Do I expect him (if the relationship progresses) to be faithful to me?
Do I understand clearly that my needs and desires are as important as his, that I am not here simply to meet his needs?
Can I deal with the feeling of 'not being enough' which you say you are experiencing, and can I contemplate going through life with that feeling.

I also think that you need to talk face to face with someone outside the situation, someone unbiased, and preferably not a crossdresser with their own agenda so that you can start to get a clear perspective on what YOU want, and how you might get it.

Whatever route you choose, I wish you well.

[Vickie_CDTV]

There was no judgment intended. I only meant that:
It is one thing that your boyfriend dresses. One can dress and be and hetero and monogamous.
It is one thing that he is bi, but tells you he only wants to be with you. One can be bi and still monogamous.
It is one thing if you were ok with him being with other people.
From what I understand, you are telling us he is bi and wants to be with a man, not just with you, and you are not ok with that. If I am misunderstanding, please tell me.

He should have told you about his dressing and he bisexuality before the relationship got serious. That isn't a judgment on him, everyone's circumstances are different, but it is a fact that a woman have a right to know and telling can prevent a lot of pain down the road. Just read the posts here by wives who love their husbands and are trying very hard to understand and accept them they way they are, but resent the fact they were not told before marriage.

I mentioned being married because marriage is a complex contract. If you are not married, you probably don't have complicated entanglements like children, joint property, joint finances etc. If anyone is unsure about their relationship, it just takes sense to take it slow and not create any complicated entanglements until both partners are confident in what they want and that is what they will get out of the relationship (I don't think that is a radical notion? Am I wrong?) I have seen a million nasty divorces involving trans people over my many years, and it just makes sense for both partners to be extra careful and try as best as possible to avoid great emotional and financial hardship.

I know what I speak of, I was involved with someone for many years, on and off, a difficult relationship. We agreed absolutely no mixing of finances or property, and we would live separately if/until we both agreed the relationship was on solid ground (it didn't, and it was a sensible move, and avoided terrible animosity toward each other, and we remain friends to this day.) If you do opt to break up, it does not have to be knock down, drag-out angry. Sometimes, relationships do not work out, it happens for many reasons. You can continue to be his friend and help him in his journey to find himself; you do not have to hate him and never see or speak to him again.

[Annette Todd]

My SO wants to cross-dress. It's currently on the back-burner because I can't cope with it at the moment and he doesn't want to cause me more stress. I feel awful about this, what is he missing out on? What does cross-dressing make you feel? I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode. Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?

I want to demand he answer these questions but I know he can't. At the moment he's going through a phase of not needing to dress but I know it comes back, just as his need to be with a man does. Will I never be enough? :( Why is this urge so strong?

A lot of people on this site seem to already be in committed relationships. I certainly love my boyfriend and consider us to be serious but we do not live together, nor are we any further along the relationship than a few casual years. So although there is commitment it is very slight. Would you rather have waited and found a person who wanted what you did? Should we break up so I can help him do what he needs and find what he wants?

Could people try and actually answer the questions rather than making snap judgements about whether or not we should remain together....
e.g.

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL? WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS? There are things I want to do which I will quite happily not do because it means I can be with him. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

Nonny,
How it makes me feel is that I am being me. I have never felt that I was in touch with being male with all the social stereotypes and expectations that go with it. I was raised with a maternal influence and the male influences were, for the most part, negative. So, I guess that my upbringing has influenced my personality to a large extent.
I am not bisexual like your boyfriend, so I cannot relate to that.
I feel that societal stigmas and prejudices are injected into relationships and become a condition to love. Whereas, loveshould be based unconditionally on the person you have found a connection with. That goes both ways. Loving someone I feel should be an exclusive thing and not be looking for other partners, albeit, opposite or same gender. That is an issue that really has nothing to do with the clothes we choose to wear!
Much of your question is one that others cannot answer. Only you can. All we can do is offer advice, support or experience. If you are unhappy with the relationship in its present form, then maybe you would be happier with someone else. You have to decide what is most important to you...

all the best, love

Annette

[Sabrina133]

Hi Nonny,

Wow, what an intriguing question. Let me if i may offer some observations from a bi CD - namely me. First of all, i don't think being bi and a CD makes you more likely to cheat than being a partner in a conventional straight relationship. If you are going to wander, you are going to do it regardless. I am currently in a what i hope to be a LTR with a gg. She is also bi. We met each other when i was dressed so she knows, understands, and enjoys. We go out as girlfriends in both gay and straight venues. We've both been hit on by men and women and, although flattered, we have never strayed. We've been a couple for a year

Before i met her, i had been in LTRs with two others - one was a GG who did not know of my feminine side. We broke up because i was moving away and she didn't want to follow. My second LTR was with a guy (we lived together for 18 months). He knew i dressed as i met him when i was dressed. We broke up because he wanted a masculine BF and I wasnt..

In all three cases, when we became serious, i became monogamous. Dont get me wrong, i still like and look at guys now and my GF looks at women - we are living together but we aren't dead. THere are certain aspects of being with a man that i really enjoy and certain aspects of being with a woman that she enjoys. Frankly, we reserve the fantasies we may have for the bedroom and its been great so far. How is that any different than straight couples who enjoy an active sex life with fantasies? I certainly don't think there is any difference.i

Bottom line is i think labeling Bisexuals as incapable of having a loyal, trusting monogamous relationship with one person is unfair and unwarranted.

So, real question: Are you afraid that because he is Bi, he will be unable to control his desires to be with a man or is it that you dont like the fact that he CDs? If its the former, i wondnt worry about that any more than i'd worry if he was straight. If its because he's a CD, then i am afraid that your problems are more long terms as CDing is, like it is for most of us, a part of who we are.

Seriously, if you have any more questions, please don't hesitate to PM me.

XO
Bree

[linda allen]

Linda, I meant absurd in the sense of "over the top". I have edited my post to better express myself, and I apologize for offending you.

Thank you.

I can't understand how a person can be monogamous and at the same time, be "bisexual". Perhaps that person is now "formerly bisexual", like a former smoker or former drinker. He (in this case) is making a commitment to a single person and a commitment not to have sex with someone of the other gender. A lifetime commitment, we would presume.

Now if we can't agree on the definition of "bisexual", there's no point in continuing, there will be no conclusion.

[NicoleScott]

Now if we can't agree on the definition of "bisexual", there's no point in continuing, there will be no conclusion.

Merriam-Webster says: of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes.

There, That settles it. Wait a minute. If we can't agree on the definition of "direct sexual desire toward", there's no point in continuing.
Back to square one.

[Jenni Yumiko]

The problem I see is he isn't sure of where he is at. This could lead to more bisexual feelings that may also be repressed. It's a tough journey and a very tough call for you.

For me personally with my ex gf, it was purely sexual, she was, is bi and wanted a girlfriend. When she wanted more jenni and less me, I checked out.

My ex wife it was a sub/Dom thing, she was, is very dominant and liked that kind of control. It served two purposes, sex and she felt I wouldn't cheat on her if I was underdressed.

My current wife, it is strictly a comfort stress relief thing. She does not want to make love to a girl and I'm accepting of that also. I "sowed my oats" already, I want us to grow as husband, wife, Jen in the day to day sense.

How this helps a bit, feel free to IM or PM

[nolafeet]

Amazing Response @Mich Salem. I actually had this exact conversation today with my therapist!

[AmyGaleRT]

Linda, my ex-wife was bisexual, but she was completely faithful to me while we were together. That doesn't mean she lost her appreciation for and attraction to women. For instance, after we saw the "Put your hands on me" scene of Titanic, I wanted to put my hands on her, and she wanted to put her hands on...Kate Winslet. ;)

Nonny, to answer your question...my own belief is that I have a soul that's part-female. Normally, that part takes a back seat to my male self. Dressing flips this around, so my femme side comes more to the fore. It's a different, lovely feeling. I often perceive it partly as a warm glow surrounding me, that I think of as "the feminine aura." After as much practice as I've had, it's natural for me to shift my voice into "Amy-voice," adjust my walk to be more deliberate with smaller steps in a straighter line, and in general fit my outward persona to match this inner self and the clothes that accompany it. (I do tend to smile more. :)) But the "other half" of me is always present, no matter which is predominant at any given time.

I retain a commitment to my fiancee, and also that connection to my male self, so I am not a candidate for transition to full-time womanhood, let alone the HRT and surgery that full TSs undergo. I am content to switch roles back and forth. The conclusion I hope this will lead to is an ability to function effectively in either role, and improving my overall self through the experiences of both sides.

For the longest time I was afraid that my fiancee wouldn't be understanding, and that the revelation would drive us apart. I was extremely pleased to find that that's not the case. My fiancee does impose restrictions on me-as-Amy, but they're consistent with her still wanting "her man" in her life, with wanting to make sure I'm protected, and with being possessive of me (which she certainly is of my male self :)).

In your case, I see the primary problems as being your SO's needs to be with a man and be "dominated" (which you can't/won't do), and whether, if he can't satisfy his needs with you, he will stray outside your relationship. If he doesn't feel the urge to do so...then everything else, including his dressing, can be dealt with, if you're willing to work together. If he does need to stray, however...then the ball's in your court as to whether you can deal with that and its ramifications. I am neither a mind-reader nor a seer; I don't know what his feelings or intentions are. You're going to need to ask him. Talk this out. Discuss it. More communication between the members of a couple is never a bad thing.

I do hope you manage to work things out. :)

- Amy

[NathalieX66]

Satan.
Mwuuuaahahahahahha!:devil:

[sometimes_miss]

My SO wants to cross-dress. It's currently on the back-burner because I can't cope with it at the moment and he doesn't want to cause me more stress. I feel awful about this, what is he missing out on? What does cross-dressing make you feel?
Different people feel different things from crossdressing. For some, it's a sexual turn on. For some, it's actually a relaxing state because we go through life always feeling like we're supposed to be wearing girl clothes but must suppress those feelings, so when we ARE dressed as a girl, we can feel 'normal' even though to the rest of the world around us we appear to be 'abnormal'.

I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode.

Part of the desire to be dominated can come from the shame or embarrasment a guy can feel because of his desire to crossdress. Because we are raised to believe that for a man to be feminine in any way is such a terrible, horrible thing, we often feel bad about wanting to do it. Also, nearly all women seem to HATE the idea that her mate wants to wear women's clothing so we are further ashamed about it. Having YOU 'dominate' him by making the decisions involved in crossdressing, such as ordering him to dress up and behave as a girl, allows him to feel, for that short while while he is crossdressed, well it allows him to feel that being crossdressed is YOUR decision so he can feel alright about it. It's a part of who he is, and he can't change that, and we all want to be loved for who we really are, just like women do. Having to live with hiding our feelings 100% of the time is very, very stressful; it eats away at us mentally and physically.


Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?
There's no way to know. Even HE might not know. Homosexuality is such a stigma in our society that a lot of people (men AND women) repress it subconsciously; not being able to explain the need to crossdress either to the outside world or to himself, a man can easily wonder why he wants to crossdress and/or behave as a female, and might automatically assume that he surely must be gay. Sadly, a lot of the general population also assumes this, yet it is not usually true. In order to find out if he IS having homosexual feelings, you need to find out what is causing his need to crossdress. So you need to either: 1. get him to tell you, if he already knows, why he wants to crossdress, 2. have him read up on it and figure it out, or 3. get him to go to a gender therapist. YOU WILL NOT be able to figure anything out about this until it it learned where the need to crossdress is coming from. Most crossdressers themselves won't be able to help; we are often told by other crossdressers that we are simply born this way, and there is no other explanation. Unfortunately, that is a cop out for those who either don't want to know, or don't want to go through the trouble to find out. There are reasons for everything, you just have to investigate, and sometimes that can be uncomfortable to do because you're possibly going to find out things that you don't really want to know. However, you can also find out causes that will explain things you didn't expect; the automatic expectation that you will discover a hidden homosexual in every crossdresser can often be discarded when you figure out the real reason for a man's need to wear female clothing or behave in feminine ways. But it's not always easy to figure it out; it took me, with no help from any therapists (back then they simply didn't know, gender therapy is a relatively new area of specialty) decades to figure myself out (you can read my 'crossdressing biography' over on the writers forum, link is at the bottom of my posts).


I want to demand he answer these questions but I know he can't. At the moment he's going through a phase of not needing to dress but I know it comes back, just as his need to be with a man does. Will I never be enough? :( Why is this urge so strong?
The desire to do things can be repressed, but holding back feelings results in stress. So if the feelings to do something are in response to outside stimuli, you can repress them by avoiding that stimuli or simply not responding to it. If the feelings are innate, then they can't be avoided, and can only be repressed, but will build up over time until the person can no longer repress them, and the feelings overwhelm the individual and he feels he must express them.


A lot of people on this site seem to already be in committed relationships. I certainly love my boyfriend and consider us to be serious but we do not live together, nor are we any further along the relationship than a few casual years. So although there is commitment it is very slight. Would you rather have waited and found a person who wanted what you did?
Not likely to happen. About 2.5 percent of men crossdress on a regular basis. Less than 1% of women would even consider a man who crossdresses as a potential mate. That leaves somewhere around 80% of us with no mate, ever, unless we don't tell them before we get married. Once someone is in love, if long enough, sometimes they can accept things that earlier in the relationship they could not. Women accept their mates coming home from war with multiple amputated limbs, damaged genitals, post traumatic stress disorder, the list goes on and on; men stay with wives with disfiguring physical damage that they never would even have considered approaching when single. As long as they love each other, and they're faithful to each other, a couple can withstand a lot of adversity.


Should we break up so I can help him do what he needs and find what he wants?
Apparently, he wants you. But he also feels the need to crossdress. You've been together for a few years; the rose colored glasses phase is over. You can see each other for who they really are. Unless you find his crossdressing such a huge sexual turn off that you've lost all desire for him, I'd say that you have a potential to stay together permanently. What will determine this further is what is causing his desire to crossdress (as he's apparently sexually active with you, he's apparently not a homosexual), and if whether you can accept the times when he does need to crossdress. While you say you are not a dominant, most women who are dominatrix's aren't dominant either. It's an act, they play a part in a scenario to appear to be something they are not to make another person happy, much like a professional actress on a stage acts a part in a play to entertain an audience. If you can find it within yourself to become an actress for a few hours at a time and pretend to be the dominant woman he wants you to be, well that's not such a horrible thing? It's called role playing, and just because it's not the common cops and robbers or cowboys and indians acting so many kids do, doesn't make it any different. Try on the role, play act at times. Life should be fun, and you can't take everything so seriously all the time,or our lives become terribly boring.

If you have any questions,feel free to message me here, as I don't always come back to threads where I have posted things.
I hope I have been able to answer your questions.

Alex

[Sabrina133]

great response Lexi .

[Lacyfem]

Sounds to me like you two are not really compatible unless you're completely willing to bend which from what you say you are not. It's always a tough decision to leave someone you think you love but you have to think what's best for your future. I believe there are too many things you've mentioned which would be difficult for you to overcome in order to have a fun and full relationship.

[Nonny]

This got too many responses for me to respond to individually. I have read everything and appreciate the honest advice. We are taking some time to think about what we want in terms of our relationship. He is a wonderful man and we have a beautiful connection, whatever happens we will remain in each others lives.

P.S. I identify as bisexual. Bisexuals can be monogamous. I guess my fear comes from the fact he has never been with a man "properly" and we all know fantasies are wonderfully enticing things.

P.P.S. It's sad that some of you think a divergence of sexual needs means we should break up. Surely that's really common in relationships? :s i will support his cross dressing i am just concerned that his need to be ****ed by a man is part of the CD "need" which will be dangerous to repress. I also worry he will grow to resent me slowing his dressing progress down, why should he have to go at my pace?!

[Taylor Ray]

For me, I always wanted to experiment with a diversity of sexual interactions. It took me a while to get ****ed properly by a man. Even after I tried it, it took four times before it was a really positive experience. I agree with you that until I experienced it, it had a charged, alluring power that it no longer has.

Whether or not a divergence of sexual needs is important, is an individual's preference/priority. I admire you respecting the connection you have. I think it was Beverly Sims who mentioned the possibility of getting feedback from GG/SOs. There are a wide range of CDs, with differing opinions, some more neutral than others.

[SarahVA]

Crossdressing is the outward manifestation of my feminine feelings...it makes me feel like a woman....sex has little to do with it for me.

[ninadiva]

I adore the whole sensation of the clothes that I wear but have to say that it makes me feel as horny as hell. It makes my whole body tingle just thinking about getting dressed and remains like a warm glow for hours after. Having accepted that i am this way makes me feel even more contented. I need to progress to the makeup side of things to see if there is any 'girl' looking back from the mirror.

[CherylFlint]

Well, it's too bad for you, but he doesn't have a say in the matter: it's just who he is. But you liked him when you first met and the only thing different is what you know about him, but he's still the same person inside.
Where will it lead? Now that's a good question, but I think if a person has their act together they can cope living in drab and then in drag, they're still the same person, no matter how they see themselves in the mirror.
The saying "All things in moderation" is a good guideline to keep us all sane.