How do you keep interest?

[cdaleli]

In the last few months my wife and I have had deep talks about my crossdressing, she has gone online looking for help. It isn't as if she just found out, she has known since our second date and we have been together for 8 years now... so it is not new to her, but she has finally decided to explore more i really don't know that yet.
However, i am concern as to what she has learned since she seems to be loosing faith in US! She is more worried about where it would all lead.

I would like to hear from the success stories, how have you coped with your dressing and keeping the woman you love?

I know the first step is honesty, which she has gotten from me from day one. As time goes by I feel as if she is loosing interest in me because I dress.

How long have you been with your wife?
How have you made it last?

so many questions, such a dilema. ...
help!

[Billijo49504]

Hi, as of Nov. 9, we have been married 21 years. And in this day, that is a long time. My wife knew I was a crossdresser from the start. I don't know if she knew what a crossdresser was, but she knew I wore womens clothes. She knew I had panties, bras and skirts and tops. She was a babysitter before being a wife. My first wife shared her undies, before she died.
One thing I found that worked well, was to shop together, and I picked up the tab. And I always made sure she got a lot of nice thing. Did you ever see a women complain, when she got a bunch of new things. She gets rewarded for helping you shop for you. Hey, it worked for me.
Believe me, I have a lot of clothes, but she has a lot more.
Oh, by the way, when I got home, she had a denim skirt, a sweater and my bra set out for me to wear, in place of my company furnished work clothes.
All I can say is to make sure your lady enjoys shopping with you, and for you, by making her shopping for herself a fun day...BJ

[Veronica E. Scott]

Weather you dress or not spend time with the one you love you don't have to dress 24/7. Have a date night get a motel room do something togather non cd related. I have been married for 40 years and I didn't marry my wife wearing a dress. In my opinnion women love to be romanced buy her something special do something unexpected show her you care, and that you still love her. Sounds like I should take my own advice. Hope this helps.

[DonnaT]

I've been married a little over 30 yrs, and my wife has known for almost as long.

Even as much as my wife loves me, and accepts my CDing, there are times she can't handle it. Occasionally she gets mighty close to the point where she wants to call it quits, but we talk and get past it.

One of the big issues many wives have is "What's next?" They, including mine, fear what the next step may be, will it lead to transition, will it lead to cheating with another Cd or a man, etc.

We can talk and try to reassure our wives that such things are not going to happen, but when they read stories online, such as in this forum and others, of CDs talking about there first dates with a man, or of deciding after X years that they need to transition, our wive's fears continue to resurface.

Keeping a marriage going depends on so many factors. And as you well know, marriages fail for many reasons, one being that one partner just looses interest and is no longer in love.

I can only suggest that (1) you talk to her, find out where she's going online to find information and what that info is; (2) try to put more romance in your life (like when you first started dating), if it seems to be lacking; and (3) find a good marriage counselor to see what can be done to save the marriage, and to determine if it is the CDing or if she is just using that as an excuse.

[Darlena]

Kudos to Donna! I couldn't have replied even half as well as you did. In retrospect those are the vey mistakes I've made w/ relationships. Women confide in each other alot. Unfortunately their friends fill their minds with half-truths and just plain fabricated ideas. And is mostly because the real truth needs to be out there. It has to be tough being married to a CDer. So it's going to take some work on both you're parts. If she fell in love w/you knowing these things, then Id say rekindling that spark would be in order as with all marriages. Best of Wishes! Love & kisses,

[erica12b]

my thougts are the same , if you can remamber some of the thoughts you had about yourself when you started cding , am i gay whats wrong with me .ect she has those thoughts to if you have thought of it she has or is thinking them, talk

( these are my thoughts , im divorced she never knew, im in the closet , do as i say not as i do. )

[kathy gg]

HI

I think you were looking for cd's input, but I hope you dont' mind a gg pov.

I think reassurence and open communication are key. Donna T made some really great points.

I found that (even though i enjoy this) the first year being married was the most challening. Only because we had only dated for 6 months beforr marriage. In essence, I got to really know him that first year. I think all those worries are only natural from a gg's pov. Although I felt very certain in what he told me, about not wanting to take things further, and being sure of his sexuality....it still took 'time' to really believe that without ANY nagging worries.

And as someone else said, sometimes even the most well meaning of friends have a way of filling your mind with semi-negative worries. One of my best friends was concerned. On one hand she was happy that I found what I was looking for but saw it as a highly risky relationship. She just could not see this leading further. She just could not believe that he would just always be a 'crossdresser'. I think because I also am really enjoying it that she worried he would just go nuts and run with it in a totally different direction than I signed up for. But now that I have been married well over 6 years and we have a wonderful child together and she knows how much he loves our life, I think she finally believes that this is the way it is.

I think what has set any possible worries away is the constant knowing that my husband enjoys his male self as well as his femme self. There seem to be no real hatred for having to be a guy a large portion of his time. He also just really knows himself, and that lack of self quesitoning is reassuring to me. That self confidence in being content with his life makes me feel assured that this is how things are and there is no chance of that changing.

When i see guys who are just constantly at 'unrest' with having to be male it makes me think ...'well I wonder how long this person can go on living this way.' But being mostly happy, mostly enjoying that medium between both expressions, and just enjoying being married all signal 'no worries in sight'.

BUt to wonder all those 'scary what if's' is not wrong. I mean no one wants to wake up one day thinking their life is hunky dory and then get the announcement that your husband wants to pursue srs. So her getting informed is not a bad thing. But that distinction between hearing about other peoples' experiences and then knowing the difference between what is happening at home is important. You have to be able to sift through all the info and realize what applies to one guy does not apply to all guys. And also not to 'read' something into your relationship that is not there. I see it quiet often on the group I moderate, one woman says her husband is thinking about hormones and sevearl others start projecting that into a possible scenario with their guy. What it comes down to is being able to ask questions of your husband without the husband completely feeling cornered or threatened.

And I do think quetisons (espically tough deep ones) tend to scare some guys because they are used to those questions being the begining of trouble. The key on your end is to answer honestly wihtout feeling defensive or that you are being accused. That will send signals that you are open to questions and will be able to answer them without feeling like a cat in a corner.

I hope this helped some...

[arleen]

"How long have you been with your wife?"

we've been together for 40 years.

"How have you made it last?"

We really like each other a lot and try not to lose the things that brought us together in the beginning. We respect each other as individuals and honor that. We care for and about each other. I think marriage is about love, honesty, compromise, understanding and above all, a sense of humor. Don't be petty. It takes working together to make it work. It's something we pay attention to every day. We try not to let little things escalate and we try not to go to bed at night mad at each other. We're careful not to let bad habits become habitual. We really enjoy being together and we do things together outside of chores. Sometimes I think it's good to go off together and just enjoy each other and leave the baggage behind. Try to do things that please her and show your unconditional love, I'm sure it would be appreciated.
arleen

[Darlena]

Oh Wow! Yeah, Kathy. Your input is probably just what is needed at this juncture. If only my wife and I knew how to communicate like that. We might still be married. Your S.O. is very lucky to have an S.O. like your self. A G.G.'s insight/viewpoint is very central to understanding this situation. Love & kisses.

[Stelli]

HI

I think you were looking for cd's input, but I hope you dont' mind a gg pov.

.... <cut> .... will be able to answer them without feeling like a cat in a corner.

I hope this helped some...

Kathy

This is significant input from you! I first thank you! The interesting point of my uderstanding is that you love him as guy and tolerate his hobby. That is perfectly understood. I cannot resist in spite that this can gain other conciesness to ask you: Can you see it from another side? Did you explore the other side of yourself? I am sure you have thoughts for yourself about your personality. Can you share that at all?

If there is any chance I'd like to talk to you privately. I appreciate your balance.

[Anita Mae GG]

I can tell you that I have known for 5 years (some details) got the full script about a month ago. I am truly ok with it but maybe you wife (like I have over the last few weeks) is scared that there IS more to it. Maybe even though you assure her you are NOT gay etc... that she just can't fathom WHY you dress. I accept my husband and I have researched etc but in the back of my mind I still can't fully understand WHY he dresses and from what I read here neither do any of these members. It is something you are born with and can't really be explained. Take your wife out to dinner and TALK to her. OPENLY! Ask her if she is happy or bothered by something etc. I have found with my husband that we HAVE to communicate especially about this or we will be in trouble. Good Luck !!
Tammy

[tgirlkari]

HI

I think you were looking for cd's input, but I hope you dont' mind a gg pov.

I think reassurence and open communication are key. Donna T made some really great points.

I found that (even though i enjoy this) the first year being married was the most challening. Only because we had only dated for 6 months beforr marriage. In essence, I got to really know him that first year. I think all those worries are only natural from a gg's pov. Although I felt very certain in what he told me, about not wanting to take things further, and being sure of his sexuality....it still took 'time' to really believe that without ANY nagging worries.

And as someone else said, sometimes even the most well meaning of friends have a way of filling your mind with semi-negative worries. One of my best friends was concerned. On one hand she was happy that I found what I was looking for but saw it as a highly risky relationship. She just could not see this leading further. She just could not believe that he would just always be a 'crossdresser'. I think because I also am really enjoying it that she worried he would just go nuts and run with it in a totally different direction than I signed up for. But now that I have been married well over 6 years and we have a wonderful child together and she knows how much he loves our life, I think she finally believes that this is the way it is.

I think what has set any possible worries away is the constant knowing that my husband enjoys his male self as well as his femme self. There seem to be no real hatred for having to be a guy a large portion of his time. He also just really knows himself, and that lack of self quesitoning is reassuring to me. That self confidence in being content with his life makes me feel assured that this is how things are and there is no chance of that changing.

When i see guys who are just constantly at 'unrest' with having to be male it makes me think ...'well I wonder how long this person can go on living this way.' But being mostly happy, mostly enjoying that medium between both expressions, and just enjoying being married all signal 'no worries in sight'.

BUt to wonder all those 'scary what if's' is not wrong. I mean no one wants to wake up one day thinking their life is hunky dory and then get the announcement that your husband wants to pursue srs. So her getting informed is not a bad thing. But that distinction between hearing about other peoples' experiences and then knowing the difference between what is happening at home is important. You have to be able to sift through all the info and realize what applies to one guy does not apply to all guys. And also not to 'read' something into your relationship that is not there. I see it quiet often on the group I moderate, one woman says her husband is thinking about hormones and sevearl others start projecting that into a possible scenario with their guy. What it comes down to is being able to ask questions of your husband without the husband completely feeling cornered or threatened.

And I do think quetisons (espically tough deep ones) tend to scare some guys because they are used to those questions being the begining of trouble. The key on your end is to answer honestly wihtout feeling defensive or that you are being accused. That will send signals that you are open to questions and will be able to answer them without feeling like a cat in a corner.

I hope this helped some...Kathy I could not have said it any better you said exactly what I was going to say. Keep the comunication going is important try to prompt her to ask questions of you and be sure to be truthful and respect HER!!!

[cdaleli]

thank you all for the input!!
It certainly is helpful to have an ear and a shoulder. I appreciate all the coments!! It is certainly insightful to hear it from a GG's perspective.
As an update... this holiday season I have reminded her how much I love her and hope that I made her feel special by being thoughtful and appreciative of her.


aleli..