Guilt

[Amy A]

As some of you may know, just over a week ago me and my girlfriend of over a decade called it a day, due to the fact that in going to transition. At the time I was thinking clearly and logically, but my head has been a mess since.

Over the last few months all of the 'barriers' between me and transitioning have disappeared; I've come out completely, to friends, family and my employers and colleagues and everyone is supportive. My now ex girlfriend wants to be there for me and forge a new relationship as best friends, and I really want this to happen. I wish I could have stayed with her as a male but I can't carry on living in the wrong body anymore so that's not an option.

The thing I am feeling the most is guilt and an overwhelming sadness that I've destroyed our relationship, which meant so much to both of us. She isn't gay and I'm not about to insist that she 'give it a go', it's completely disrespectful.

So how do I move forward and stop beating myself up over this? :(

[wanagione]

HI Amy, I'm not transitioning but i can understand your sence of guilt. I think about transition and I think about all of the relationships that would change in my life, and I know that they would change because of my actions. I think that everyone feels guilty when things change because of their actions. I think it's a natural feeling. On the other hand, You are making great progress towards your goal and true feelings, and that is wonderful. What is even better is that your GF is willing to be there for you. You haven't lost her completly, your relationship is just changing. I think you are being hard on yourself. I think you should find ways to embrace this new relationship and know that she will be part of your life.

[stefan37]

Think about the positive events transition that have and will occur. I recently separated from my wife of 33 years. We still live in the same house but we sleep in separate rooms. She no longer feels the same about me as I do about her. It hurts tremendously and I also have the sadness knowing this separation is entirely caused by my taking action to cure my GID and transition. It has been 3 weeks so far and we are still navigating becoming friends. It is not easy, but I will say as time goes forward it is becoming easier. Complicating our issue is we are business partners and will remain so for the foreseeable future. We both have a tremendous financial and sweat equity investment and we are determined to ensure the business thrives as it is both our livelihood.

Become active in activities and making new friends, reconnecting with old friends will be a healthy distraction and allow you to focus on your needs. If your girlfriend wants you in your life and you are willing it will resolve itself. It will be extremely painful and you may have some very emotional sad times in the near future. It will get better but it will take time.

[Amy A]

Thanks for the replies. :)

I know everything you both say is right and I most likely will feel better in a few weeks but it hurts a lot at the moment. I still love her more than anything and I'm struggling to come to terms with it being over.

That said, the future at least holds the promise of me feeling happy within my own skin. I've arranged to meet another girl who's at a similar stage in her transition to me, but knows more of the community so I'm hopefully going to be meeting lots of new people over the next few months. And now I'm out to everyone, I can start living life the way I want to a bit more.

People often describe this as a gift; they couldn't be more wrong in my opinion. I didn't want to be like this but I am so now I have to make the best of it. I'm lucky that everyone has been so accepting of my impending transition, I've not lost a single friend or family member, and my employers say it makes no difference to my job. My girlfriend will still be my best friend, and I'm grateful for that, it just seems like a cruel joke that I've met my soulmate, built a relationship with her, then had to let her go so I can carry on living.

I can't imagine how much harder this must be for all those who are met with rejection when they come out.

Amy :)

[Jorja]

I didn't want to be like this but I am so now I have to make the best of it.

This is the key to your success. Go with it!

[groove67]

Amy, time cures hurt trust me. When i told my wife that i needed to transition she said she could not handle it she needed a man in her life even though i had crossedressed for some amount of time . In my case i never felt like i wanted to ever be with a man and maybe i really was gay not sure but now only six months from srs i really am into men. Have not had any more than dancing and a kiss on the check and told nice things but have kept my distance. As in your case family and work have been great and that has happened for you. My wife and i are still great friends as she has a boyfriend and i totally understand . So take the best friends she is giving you and go with it you never know she may come back but make sure that is what you want. As you move on you may change your mind i did. Good luck my dear. Marianne

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Amy, My wife and I have had several discussons about the possibility of me transitioning. I'm 60, and she is 53. Maybe ten years ago she flat out told me that if I were to transition, she wanted to still be part of my life. She went so far as to suggest that she'd be my maid of honor if I were to marry a man. Imagine that! That really threw me off balance! It also showed me just how much she loved me. Just for that we decided to make the best of it and now at our ages we could give a rat's *** about society and expectations. We sleep in separate bedrooms now because I keep her awake with my snoring. LOL! She has her's and is making curtains for my girly room of my own. As an aside, we've met and have spent time with a married lesbian couple who are so cool! A CD friend of ours went on to SRS and she and her wife are still happily married. Don't discount any possibility! My wife is ever so supportive and even more. We have the same hair stylist who is coming here soon to teach me about makeup. Take the little things, and the big things(!) and enjoy the ride! I've decided that guilt will not rule me. And that insiduous guilt has been around even 10 hours ago. Be positive and make the best of it. You still may be drawn together but in a very special way and a special new relationship! At least you're probably both being honest and trusting. That is the foundation of awesome relationships. I wish you the best! You have a LOT going for you!

Cheryl

[josee]

At least she wants to remain friends and has said she wants to be there for you. Many significant others want nothing to do with us once we come out to them. I have been married 21 years and will soon separate from my wife so I know the pain you are feeling and it hurts a lot.
One thing I can offer is that it does get better.

[MysticLady]

The thing I am feeling the most is guilt and an overwhelming sadness that I've destroyed our relationship, which meant so much to both of us.
So how do I move forward and stop beating myself up over this? :(

Hi Amy
My heart goes out to you. I believe what youre experiencing is a norm. You feel that what you're doing is somehow wrong and along comes guilt to hold your hand. Send guilt back to hell where it comes from and move forward with your life. You must first love yourself before you can love others. Don't worry about others for they have their demons to deal with themselves. Youre going to be just fine sweetheart.:)

[ArleneRaquel]

Amy,
You are doing nothing wrong. I started "dressing" in 1956, and for years I had some guilty feelings. Finally I have come to realize that there is no reason to that these negative vibes, I harm no one and I am now at piece with myself. I hope that you realize the same very soon and all will be well. Best Wishes from an old dame !

[mikiSJ]

My first marriage ended in a divorce after 5 years in part because I finally admitted I dressed. She felt like I needed help getting over the marriage and me "accepting" my perversion. I told her no thanks and never looked back.

I am offering this only because you need to be aware of the reason for her need to be friends with you. I am not aware of every relationship that has broken up, obviously, but of the couple dozen that I know of where one party wanted to remain friends, they usually didn't. Be careful during a very trying time who you hook up with for support.

[Amy A]

Thanks for the replies again. I think I am getting there slowly, it's just going to take some time and I feel like I'm in no man's land a bit which isn't helping; eg I'm now single, but still waiting to start being me. I went to see my GP on Friday and he's applying for funding and reffering me to Leeds on Tuesday, after the bank holiday. It can't come soon enough!


You must first love yourself before you can love others.

I have been thinking about future relationships and I won't be in another whilst I'm male, I just can't play that role anymore, and I need to be content in my own skin before I can even contemplate being with someone else.


I am offering this only because you need to be aware of the reason for her need to be friends with you. I am not aware of every relationship that has broken up, obviously, but of the couple dozen that I know of where one party wanted to remain friends, they usually didn't. Be careful during a very trying time who you hook up with for support.

I don't for a second think that there's anything sinister about her need to be my friend, she simply says she needs me to be in her life. Also, we both want to remain friends, and I'll do anything I can to make sure that happens. And I won't be hooking up with anyone anytime soon! Thanks for the words of caution though.

I really do need to just look forward from now on, my heart is broken and I'll never fully get over losing her but at least I'm finally moving towards being who I need to be, and I'm still surrounded by friends and family to help me through everything.

Amy :)

[Deborah_UK]

Amy, it's great that your ex wants to still be in your life. And I'm proof positive that relationships can survive and indeed thrive (albeit on a different level). When I started at Notts GIC I had been in a relationship for over 8 years (although we didn't live together). When I announced my transition date we went through a really tough time, she went through a grieving process for "him" but like your ex, my ex also did not want me out of her life. We are now best girlfriends, she has a new man in her life who I get on with, so much so the three of us are going to Lanzarote soon (and we all went to Tenerife last year). My ex and I are also going Christmas shopping in New York in November.

Its so great to have that support and friendship and tbh I'm probably closer to her now than I ever was because I no longer have the depression that blighted our relationship in the past.