I need help (what else is new lol)

[Kirsty]

Hi Everyone,
I need some help from those out there who are far more experienced
than I (probably all of you). My wife and I are in the middle of "addressing" the
subject of my wanting to dress again, we go through this every four or five years.

I'm 40, have maybe dressed 3 times (Underthings, Dress and maybe makeup) the
rest is just underwear whenever the need resurfaces.
I Have been married for almost 17 years to the love of my life and we have 2
wonderful boys.

She is arranging for us to go to counselling which I think will be good as we have
not had much luck "discussing" this on our own, my big problem is this:

I don't know what I want....

I know she hates it, but she is trying to help me... she won't let me bury it
again because she says that is like asking her not to use her right arm ever again,
plus she knows that we will just have to deal with it next time it comes to the
surface again.

To be honest I am scared, all I know is I want to dress like a woman,
at least once (in my eyes I have never done it properly, it's always been
a rushed event before someone comes home.. no time to relax and take it all in)

But I don't know where it will lead, what will I want then? how far do I want to go?
And why can't I answer these questions myself?

My wife has said that if I want to do this full time (Dressed all the time) then she
will probably have to leave me... which seems like a bit of blackmail but I do
understand...

Thank you for any advice you can offer :)

Kirsty

[Debra Russell]

Listen to your wife - set some boundries (like a DADT or at least some "Kristy" time) - and decide where your priority's are - your marriage should be first and formost -- best wishes.......................Debra

[Dawn cd]

Your wife is seeking more clarity about your situation. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. Okay, you don't have clarity right now, but maybe it's time you began trying to get some. Probably it's time for counseling—for you first, and then both of you together. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to her.

[joanne_mi]

Thinking about doing anything 'full-time' is sort of putting the cart before the horse here, don't you think? Schedule an evening alone with your wife to maybe read some posts on this forum, maybe grab some makeup tutorials for crossdressing online (lots of good instructional videos out there). Use the time to gage her feelings as well. See where it goes from there.

Counseling is a terrific idea too, you'll likely both benefit from it.

She must really love you to put her own apprehension aside to help you. I truly wish you both the very best.

[Jenniferathome]

Do you REALLY think you want to be a woman full time? That seems like a reasonably easy thing to resolve. Talking is the best remedy and doing it with an objective third party will allow you to cover the most ground, more quickly. Just be honest in every conversation.

[NicoleScott]

I think it would be a good idea to discuss with her (and reach agreement) on what the goal of counseling is. My first wife and I failed to do this, and the counseling resolved nothing - we divorced. My goal was for her to accept my crossdressing, and her goal was for me to be "cured".
Sometimes marriage and crossdressing are incompatible, but the good news is that life goes on, sometimes better for both parties.

[Beverley Sims]

Your wife recognizes the problem and is trying to help.
You could help by restricting your activities a little.
You do not necessarily want to go full time even in the near future.
You have a good married life try to draw up some parameters that lets you dress occasionally on a regular basis.
Just enough to ease frustration.
Your marriage is of paramount importance and a project in progress.

[mikiSJ]

Counseling is a terrific idea too, you'll likely both benefit from it.

Yes, absolutely. Make sure you understand who the counselor is and what his/her biases are. You don't want to walk into a situation where the counselor is anti-anything having to do with non-standard gender issues.

In couples counseling is nearly impossible to find a totally fair counselor who will never take a side, but at least try to keep the playing field as level as possible by finding out all you can regarding the counselor, even to the point of seeing him/her singly beforehand - and don't be afraid to tell your wife you want someone else for the counseling if you see any issues in the first meetings.

[Jaylyn]

As much as I am learning about my inner self and my frustrations also from all these years of not expressing visably my desire to dress up...I still would not and could not do it full time. I am retired and could every day dress and I do enjoy that sometimes but know that I am also a guy and enjoy other things that unfortunately I cannot be dressed doing. I have a wonderful wife and know I would not want to lose her ever. I personally would try and go to the counseling if I were in your heels and make the effort on your part to make it work. Never let the lines of communications between you two close and give and take from time to time. I can dress three to four times a week and get most of my urges taken care of. I suggest ya'll (that's Texan for you two) work on setting up a time for you both to talk and express the way you and she feels about the dressing and do this with the attitude that breaking a marriage is not an option.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Kirsty, it is good that you both have decided to seek outside help. There is more at issue here than only "your" identity. Part of your wife's personal identity is derived from you. After 17 yrs you are the reflection of the "man" that your wife has created you to be. In her mind your desire to crossdress threatens the stabiltiy of that picture. It shouldn't. Because at the core you will always be the man she fell in love with irregardless of how you choose to appear. But in today's world appearance is everything. Be prepared to make some consessions on your part in order to preserve your relatiuonship. Remember "It's not all about you." You have a wife and children to think about. Even if it means giving up the thing you might want the most. Because if your choice isn't for your "wife and kids" than it is the wrong one.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Your situation sounds much more hopeful than many I have seen on here. your wife "thinks" she may have to leave you, if you go full time.

What you are suffering from, is denial. Guilt. Disgust? Very few of us have a solid grasp of why we do this, or want to do it. The reasons are many, varied, complex. They can change, but usually, what changes is our own acceptance of whats driving us. We learn to be honest, at least with ourselves, and then we understand what we need.

Counseling may help, if the counselor is knowledgeable about it. if you get piles of negativity from them, find someone new. Crossdressing is not bad. It can have bad consequences, but of itself, there is no problem if you can build it into your life, without losing things you care about.

[Barbara Ella]

Kristy, it is good to have boundaries, and expressed desires of what you want/need/expect to do in the near future. Your wife, and you as well, must know that these are starting points, and the future is so terribly uncertain about this activity and our desires. Promises can be discussed, boundaries cannot be broken without discussion. Promises for the future should not cloud what you desire for the present. Your wife seems open and wishes to understand. It is up to you to help educate her about what it is you do and wish to do without the alarming discussion of "what if I want." Ignore the IF, work on the today. See if she can bet on board with you dressing completely. Most likely you will have to do it without her participation, but not behind her back. That is my situation. Wife is intellectually behind me discovering who I am, but cannot participate in any manner, and yes, is deathly afraid of what comes next, IF it does, or whether I can sacrifice a need for the good of the whole.

Those are the same decisions you will be making. Take care of today, and surviving that, work on the next today when it comes.

Best of luck with counseling for you two.

Barbara

[Christine.Lolita]

Kirsty, my wife and I have had similar issues concerning cross dressing. I have been going to therapy for about 4 months and it has made a huge difference in my wife’s and my life. We have no children and will not have any so my cross dressing is a concern for only my wife and I.
I had and still have questions that needed answering for me and my wife. Also, I still do not know what I want, as far as if I want to dress more often, am I really a TS, or whatever. The issue is very complex and different for all of us.
Definitely see a councilor that specializes in gender identity issues. This can only help you and your family move forward and be happier.

[Kirsty]

Thank you all so much, lots of great advice :)

I feel calmer about this now... I guess it's just being used to pushing it away for so
long when it becomes too difficult to deal with, and now trying to deal with it head on
seems to be a daunting task.

For those of you concerned about the "Full Time" it's not something I am thinking about doing,
it's my wife's biggest fear... with then became my biggest question... "Is that what I want?".

We go to the councilor on Monday, I hope she is is familiar with these kind of marital issues
and can be the impartial voice that we need to get this figured out. I'm nervous but hopeful :)
My wife has at least come to see the logic of me spending time while out of town for a convention
going "All the way" as it were... I've never had the time to spend doing it right.

The only hurdle I have ahead of me is my plan while away, to actually go to see Phoebe Cross
for a makeover. I really want to tell my wife and to have her blessing to have someone professional
make me look like a woman.
I have a hard time keeping secrets from my wife so I am using all of my willpower to prevent myself from
asking her before we have had a chance to see the councilor.

Again I want to thank you all for the advice, and more than that... being here :)
It really does make a difference to know you are not alone *HUG*

Thank You!!

Kirsty