Is it all about me?

[FurPus63]

Something's bothering me and I need to write about it and ask for your opinions. The other day my uncle & godfather told me I was "an ugly woman," said I was "crazy" and he could never accept me as a woman. He said some other rotten things too and basically our relationship of almost 50 years is now over. His wife sent me an email on facebook stating I was "selfish and self-centered" because at Christmas dinner all I talked about was myself. She hasn't spoken to me in over four months because she didn't like the way I was talking about myself and my transition at dinner Christmas Eve!

My younger sister and others have told me I need to have empathy and understanding for them and where they are coming from. I'm one year into my transition and she still refuses to call me "Paulette" and insists on referring to me in my old male name. She has only seen me twice in that year, and has little contact with me. I've lost two of my brothers and several other family members because of this.

I get more acceptance from people who barely know me and a few friends who've stuck by me than I have from my own family. Hardly anyone in my family talks to me and yet I'm being told "it's all about you, Paulette."

Well shouldn't it be! I mean I am the one going through this, am I not? Everyone wants me to have sympathy, compassion and understanding for them, but what about me? Who's had those things for me? I guess I don't understand this. I knew I would lose many of my family members when I decided to come out and begin my transition process. That's why it took me over 48 years to do it!

So what about me? Am I wrong? Should I expect less from them? I've cared about others all of my life. For the first time I'm doing something for me and I'm condemned for it. Is this right?

Is it all about me? What do you think?

Paulette

[Elsa Larson]

He referred to you as a WOMAN. He'll eventually use better adjectives.

Elsa

[kimdl93]

That isn't a question any of us can answer based on the little information you've provided. Really, you'll have to ask yourself.

[Nicole Erin]

Something's bothering me and I need to write about it and ask for your opinions. The other day my uncle & godfather told me I was "an ugly woman,"


I get more acceptance from people who barely know me and a few friends who've stuck by me than I have from my own family. Hardly anyone in my family talks to me and yet I'm being told "it's all about you, Paulette."

So what about me? Am I wrong? Should I expect less from them? I've cared about others all of my life. For the first time I'm doing something for me and I'm condemned for it. Is this right?

Is it all about me? What do you think?

Paulette
I assume you are at least 50. Your uncle and godfather are older of course and are REAL old school. Set in their ways, don't expect them to "come around".

Acceptance from strangers - REAL IMPORTANT POINT, FOLKS! Strangers who know us only as our chosen gender have that first impression. Make it a good one :D Even if people know you are TS, they don't really know "him" but only "her"

Are you wrong for being "selfish" as they put it? Hell to the no! You lived the first 1/2 of your life for others, time to do something for Paulette! THEY are being selfish for expecting you to live as they want you. You need to live your life as you see fit! I mean if you have kids, they are raised. Our young kids are the only people in life we really owe any level of sacrifice to. The rest are adults and have their lives.

Selfish in general - maybe they are just used to you bending over backwards for others and don't know how to adjust.

[mikiSJ]

It IS all about you and why you put up with the humiliation your family is dishing on you.

From your avatar you are not ugly. You may talk to much, but if you have it, talk about it. Empathy is something lacking in your relatives, not you.

Get over it and get over them!!!!

[Barbara Ella]

You are not selfish Paulette. You need to make this about you, it is your life ahead of you. Yes, those of my generation (66) are not likely to change attitudes. That is not a reason for you to adopt a negative attitude toward them. They just don't know, and don't have the time to learn. Just remind them of how caring you have been all your life, and you are still the same caring person, but now you want to be a happy caring person, who just happens to be a woman, always have been, but now you really mean it.

A change like this for them is like the proverbial 2 x 4 to the back of the head. Just be yourself and take deep breaths, and smile, and be beautiful for them.

Barbara

[sandra-leigh]

Paraphrasing someone or other, "The easiest way to get someone to like you is to get them to talk about themself."

A couple of days ago, I read an article that claimed that pretty much every message, especially on social media, comes down to "Validate my existence!"

For better or worse, it sounds like over that dinner, you may have neglected to do any existence validating of others, in that you indicate that all you talked about was yourself. This did not win you friends.

Are the others validating your existence? No, not so much. But two wrongs do not make a right.

I am sometimes guilty of talking about myself too much. I know some of "why" I do it, and I try to pay attention to that part of me, by making space to respond to other people, validating their existence even as I go ahead with my own.

[Dawn cd]

It's hard for us to judge the situation, Paulette, because because we can't see the whole picture. You say it took you 48 years to get to this point. You've had a lot of time to reflect on it. Now your family is being forced to adjust in a much shorter time. Maybe you need to ease up on them. Give them time to get used to the new you.

[I Am Paula]

Resign yourself to losing more people as you grow. It may be easy to say 'get over it' but to an outsider looking in, transexuality is SO far out of their sphere of influence, that they find it easier to condemn than to be persueded. 'I'm moving to mars with Michael Jackson' is easier to comprehend, or believe than 'I'm changing sexes'.

[Ceri Anne]

Doing with your life what you want is normal and right. Enjoy who you are. That said, while its nice and good, you can't expect others to embrace the new you. For some people its objectional, for others its shocking. Some will come around in time, others will not. All you can do is control your side of the equation. Strive to always be the best person you can be. Treat others as you wish to be treated. That doesn't mean let them walk on you. Definently don't change to fit their mold, but when with family who has trouble accepting, talk about more neutral things, ask about their lives, kids etc......eventually, they may get used to you being Paulette. Talk about your transition only if someone asks. I know this is one sided, but it keeps the ball in their court and keeps them from being able to twist something to their advantage. Huggs and good luck. Other people are not easy, but family is usually worth it.

[arbon]

."

For the first time I'm doing something for me and I'm condemned for it. Is this right?




Maybe, for a while anyway. Down the road things can change, minds and attitudes can change.
Right now knowing what they think of you hurts still, I understand that. But you are doing what you need to do for you, taking care of yourself, its very reasonable. Thats what they don't understand.

Most of my family is the same way, my mom talks to me a least once a week about how hard it is on all of them, still, from me changing. She can't get past it, she is stuck in it. This last weekend she was telling me one of my uncles is coming to town so "please be understanding, but he does not want to be around you it makes him uncomfortable, so could you stay away from my house for a few days while he is here" oh sure mom no problem, I get it, I know how hard it is on all of you. I understand.

They think I have destroyed my life. I think I saved it. I am better today then I have ever been, but they don't get that.

[Rianna Humble]

Other members have lectured you on what you need to do for the rest of your family, but I only partially agree with them.

What you have related is classic emotional blackmail. Even if it is true (not proven) that you only talked about your transition at Xmas, you had a lot to relate. Whilst it is true that you do need to have some understanding for your younger sister, it does not hurt to remind her that empathy is a two way street. You can offer to try to be more considerate for her if she will be less cruel to you.

Some people lash out and try to hurt because they cannot understand, others will do their best but may still get it wrong half the time. At the moment, what you are describing sounds like your uncle & aunt lashing out and I think that you and they need to give each other space to come to terms with the changes in your life. Don't write them off, but don't try to force the contact.

It is and must be all about you, but not in the way that your family intends you to understand that phrase. Firstly, it must be all about your need to be the real you (that is your side of the bargain), secondly it needs to be about you being accepted by your family (that is theirs).

It hurts when someone you love and/or respect treats you like this, but you know that what you are doing is right. It is not easy to let go of someone you love, but unfortunately for now that is what you must do. You do not deserve their condemnation and in the long run, if they cannot accept who you are, it will be their loss more than yours.

[melissakozak]

Paulette,

Unfortunately, all of us experience some form of loss from family or close friends. It is the cold, hard reality. Even though I have not transitioned, and I live openly only part-time, I could not do this back in my hometown, and even though family knows, I am estranged from most of them because they are too conservative and just don't get it. I am often the topic of conversation at dinner in which I am not even attending (it sucks). Am I being selfish by removing myself from negative family members? No. You are not either. You are living a genuine life now, and you are doing what you needed to do. No one, and I mean no one ever claps his or her hands about transsexualism, transgenderism or any of this. Most people just can't wrap their minds around how complex and difficult an issue this is on emotional, social and personal levels.

Of course you were the topic of conversation over dinner. It is big news. Of course you discussed yourself, as you are undergoing the most radical personal change a person can experience. It's not you being selfish but the reality of the radical change you are going through and their emotional intolerance that is the problem....I am sorry you are going through this.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lots of good posts..
it is your life
one thing i lived through was a time where I constantly talked about myself to people i knew..maybe its a natural phase we go through

...nobody wants you transition,if you talk about it alot you may be pushing people away, but some of them stilll care about your happiness. If you thrive going forward they will respond to it...dont be all talk, be all action...show them..

and the ones that don't respond do not care about your happiness..what's the benefit of worrying about them anyway?

...your sisters unwillingness to truly understand is on her...
she is making your problem about her...
unconditional love is not always shared by every family and you have no choice but to accept it for what it is, and do what's right for you...

[Carlene]

Hi Paulette,

I don't believe you should think this is all about you, no. You are a member of a larger family and to a lesser extent this has an effet on them, as well. There are countless reasons for their lack of acceptance, many of which we might think unjustified. That being said, they exist and we must deal with them in some fashion.
Perhaps, in light of the way they feel, it might be better to just go ahead and live your life as your true self but not discuss it with family unless they ask specific questions. Even then, if family criticizes the answers to questions you might want to steer the conversation in another direction.

Whether they be right or wrong, your transition may be a very emotional issue for them too.

Paulette, I feel badly for you in this situation, but like us, our families have the right to be themselves, too.

Carlene

[dawnmarrie1961]

Yes. It is all about YOU. There is no part of transitional process that involves changing how other people, besides yourself, are going to see you. We can not dictate to them how to feel or what to think. Such things are entirely beyond our control. As they should be.
I know what it feels like to have my loved ones become alienated from me because of the choices I've made. I hurts like hell! But I won't judge them for it. That's not my place. I do not expect them to see me as a "woman" because they have spent the majority of their lives seeing me as a son,brother,husband and a father. Perhaps, had I started this whole process years ago that perception may have changed? But I can't go back in time and make that correction. Besides, everything that I've lived through, all the experiences of life, have molded me into the person that I am today. And I like that person. To change even the smallest detail of the past, however regrettable it was, would change the outcome. I wouldn't want to do that.
I love my parents and I know they love me. We don't have to agree with eachother's choices inorder to maintain that love. It is unconditional. No proof is required.

[Jorja]

Do you remember all of those past post that you read? In them I am sure you saw something about developing thick skin. I am sure you read about preparing yourself for a time when even the most accepting person in your life turns against you. I am sure you read things about being prepared to lose everything and everyone in your life as you know it now. I wonder why that information might have been put there? Because it happens!

If you feel determined to become your true self. If you have that need. If you have that burning desire. You will forge ahead no matter what. You will do what you need to do. Friends and family and jobs will come later. It is a hard road to travel sometimes. It's not all the fun pretty things in life all the time. But, when you come to the end of that road and you can see what has taken place, a new day will dawn. This doesn't mean it is over. Just that things will change.

You will not change anyones mind by doing nothing or quitting. Allow them to see what a better person you have become. Let them see your joy and love of life. This is all you can do. It is up to them to change their own minds.

[Angela Campbell]

You are not an "ugly woman"

[kerrianna]

Well yeah, it is, understandably, all about you. I mean, this is HUGE. It's you becoming you and there isn't a lot in society that is comparable. So yeah other people can really get it wrong.

Some of them will shift and more or less get it right. My mom, who usually is pretty good, called me "he" 6 times at dinner last night until I finally corrected her. I let a lot go - when I first transitioned I didn't. People got mad at me. I was like "But this is IMPORTANT to me!" and I figured anyone who really loved me would get that.

Some people just "get this" a lot better than others. I think that speaks to who THEY are, not who you are or what you are doing. My younger brother was on board right away. My older brother, well he just doesn't use any pronouns for me, not in my company, and he admitted he didn't understand it. My younger brother may also not understand but the difference is my younger brother is a caretaker and my older one is a loner. It's about THEM, not me.

You HAVE to be self centred to do this.
One of my partner's friends used that expression the other day when she was talking about how it was understandable that I had been self centred to make my changes. She was always really great about it and would say how much she admired me, but she also understood I had to be self involved to do this. Now that I have transitioned and... calmed down, lol, it is a time where I am not so self centred.

And I don't take self centred to be a bad thing in this case. It's just a fact.
This IS about SELF. Being your self.

Just remember that it's other people whose problem it is. Having said that, it's useful to let some things go at times. There's a kind of grace to doing this I think. I didn't always do it gracefully, esp with my partner. We tend to INSIST a lot, which makes total sense to us, but may be too much too fast for others. So sometimes we just have to pick our battles right?

Give a bit, get a bit.
But keep on keeping on, and BE yourself. :)

[KellyJameson]

I was never one of those people who would be considered normal by societies standards and everyone that knew me could tell I was living some kind of lie but they assumed I was probably gay but pretending to be straight.

There was no real shock when I accepted and communicated that I was transsexual and needed to transition because I had been doing some facsimile of that since puberty so my "weirdness" protected me.

Those who have never shown any gender conflict either by hiding it or in some way burying it even from themselves and have married and raised families are in a much more difficult position because of the dramatic movement from one presentation to another.

This contrast from "what was" to "what is" will be shocking for most people, particularly if they have not had exposure to people living on the LGBT spectrum.

My advice for those who find themselves in this position is to give a "soft presentation" to protect your audience from themselves.

You do not dishonor yourself by being what you are not but you remain sensitive to how much you are asking others to absorb.

I never really travelled very far from what I was so like a pendulum swinging in the opposite direction I never felt a desire to become "ultra feminine" in my behavior. I have changed how I look but not how I act and I think this lessened others experiencing me as "crazy" because they could still see the same person on the inside.

For those who were able to drink the koolaid of masculinity this would have created a huge amount of tension inside that I avoided so when this tension is released the pendulum may swing violently in the other direction into a type of pseudo femininity that "sickens" those exposed to it because they experience it as not being real because they have not known cisgendered woman who act like this.

When my friends do this I try to get them to pull back on the reins somewhat. I think what may contribute to this is the importance they feel of convincing others they are woman so they "sell themselves" or try to "prove themselves" so it is a stage presentation instead of them being centered, calm and fully in the moment.

Try to be aware of any nervousness that compels you to "explain" or "teach" or "prove" your womanhood.

It is possible that the problem is not that you are making it all about you but that you are still not comfortable in your own skin so you are "reacting" and in this reacting you are "acting like a woman" instead of being the woman that you are so others experience you as false.

[FurPus63]

"It is possible that the problem is not that you are making it all about you but that you are still not comfortable in your own skin so you are "reacting" and in this reacting you are "acting like a woman" instead of being the woman that you are so others experience you as false."

This is so much NOT the case! I always present myself as the woman I am on the inside. I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I am. I don't present a false self. It's because I am so feminine around my family members that I think it "freaks them out" a little. O.K. maybe it freaks them out a lot! LOL! I don't know. I do know that I am hurt by all of the rejection, but not letting it stop my transition.

[FurPus63]

Well yeah, it is, understandably, all about you. I mean, this is HUGE. It's you becoming you and there isn't a lot in society that is comparable. So yeah other people can really get it wrong.

Some of them will shift and more or less get it right. My mom, who usually is pretty good, called me "he" 6 times at dinner last night until I finally corrected her. I let a lot go - when I first transitioned I didn't. People got mad at me. I was like "But this is IMPORTANT to me!" and I figured anyone who really loved me would get that.

Some people just "get this" a lot better than others. I think that speaks to who THEY are, not who you are or what you are doing. My younger brother was on board right away. My older brother, well he just doesn't use any pronouns for me, not in my company, and he admitted he didn't understand it. My younger brother may also not understand but the difference is my younger brother is a caretaker and my older one is a loner. It's about THEM, not me.

You HAVE to be self centred to do this.
One of my partner's friends used that expression the other day when she was talking about how it was understandable that I had been self centred to make my changes. She was always really great about it and would say how much she admired me, but she also understood I had to be self involved to do this. Now that I have transitioned and... calmed down, lol, it is a time where I am not so self centred.

And I don't take self centred to be a bad thing in this case. It's just a fact.
This IS about SELF. Being your self.

Just remember that it's other people whose problem it is. Having said that, it's useful to let some things go at times. There's a kind of grace to doing this I think. I didn't always do it gracefully, esp with my partner. We tend to INSIST a lot, which makes total sense to us, but may be too much too fast for others. So sometimes we just have to pick our battles right?

Give a bit, get a bit.
But keep on keeping on, and BE yourself. :)

Thanks! This is so cool and so right on with how I'm feeling. It's so hard to go through all of this. It has to be all about me for awhile. I'm sure in time it will change but for now, I feel it is all about me and all about each one of us as individuals who are going through this change.