Anne2345
05-03-2013, 01:54 PM
During a recent stay out of town with some TS friends of mine, I had a moment where the enormity of what I am doing really hit me hard. This can be really heavy duty, seriously overwhelming stuff, after all.
So I silently took a break and walked outside into my friend’s backyard for some alone time.
Walking out into the yard, I was instantly struck by how beautiful the world was. It was early in the morning, and the sun cascaded brightly through the trees that stood before me. The world was quiet, except for the chirping of birds singly excitedly and melodically in the springtime morn, and for the occasional bee or two buzzing by.
Although it was warm out, the air was ever so slightly and stubbornly crisp, and the yard was bathed in a thin layer of glistening dew and bold, vibrant springtime colors. A gentle breeze carried various lively fragrances of flowers, plants, and other vegetation through its wafting currents.
Any other time, I should have been bowled over by the beauty I experienced that morning. My senses were stimulated by all that I took in. It was a fantastic, glorious, peaceful morning. It was a breathtakingly beautiful morning. Everything was just perfect.
Except that it wasn’t perfect at all.
Despite the brilliant magnificence and wonder of that otherwise serene and blissful morning, I felt completely disconnected from it all. I could not appreciate it. It held very little meaning for me.
Because even though I recognized it for what it was, I could not join in Mother Nature’s festivities. What I witnessed was pure, unadulterated, brilliant, innocent, beautiful nature.
What I felt, though, was anything but.
Instead, I was assailed by pain, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of wrongness. I felt completely alone and vulnerable. I felt defenseless, I felt hopeless, I felt betrayed, and I felt angry at the unfairness of life.
I also felt that I did not belong within the framework of such beauty and nature as was presented before me. I was an outsider. I was not a part of its scheme. Not in my body and my life as it is, anyways. Rather, in stark contrast to my surroundings, I was an aberration, and an abomination to my own true nature. I was false whereas all else was true.
Dejectedly and with a sense of resignation and defeat, I sat down in a chair and just stared off into space. I gave into and lost myself in feelings of self-pity and a deep sense of worthlessness. I just stared and stared and stared at nothing, unwilling and unable to move as the majesty of Mother Nature mocked my being all around.
I am not sure how long I sat there, but I was joined shortly by one of my TS friends. Hearing the door open, I looked over and saw her. We made eye contact, and just looked at each other for a moment. Without saying a word, she slowly walked over to where I sat, stood beside me, and leaned down.
She gently grasp my hand, and held it up into hers. For the next couple of minutes, she simply held my hand in hers. And as tears began to pile up and stream softly and silently down my face, it became a powerfully profound moment that I will not forget.
As she continued to hold my hand, though, I could not help but notice how her hand was so soft, so warm, so gentle, so compassionate, so real, and so human.
No words were exchanged. None.
For no words were necessary. Words, in fact, would have broken the spell and prematurely ended the moment.
My friend understood this. She got it. She has been there, done that, and she knew what I needed.
The gracious host and friend that she is, she gave me the moment. She was there for me in the moment.
That moment was powerful in the extreme. That moment I was accepted and loved for who and what I am. That moment I was not alone in the world. That moment was a gift.
That moment I knew that I was also real, and that I can be real.
That moment was life.
And that moment is why friendship and family are all sooo important in this game . . . .
So I silently took a break and walked outside into my friend’s backyard for some alone time.
Walking out into the yard, I was instantly struck by how beautiful the world was. It was early in the morning, and the sun cascaded brightly through the trees that stood before me. The world was quiet, except for the chirping of birds singly excitedly and melodically in the springtime morn, and for the occasional bee or two buzzing by.
Although it was warm out, the air was ever so slightly and stubbornly crisp, and the yard was bathed in a thin layer of glistening dew and bold, vibrant springtime colors. A gentle breeze carried various lively fragrances of flowers, plants, and other vegetation through its wafting currents.
Any other time, I should have been bowled over by the beauty I experienced that morning. My senses were stimulated by all that I took in. It was a fantastic, glorious, peaceful morning. It was a breathtakingly beautiful morning. Everything was just perfect.
Except that it wasn’t perfect at all.
Despite the brilliant magnificence and wonder of that otherwise serene and blissful morning, I felt completely disconnected from it all. I could not appreciate it. It held very little meaning for me.
Because even though I recognized it for what it was, I could not join in Mother Nature’s festivities. What I witnessed was pure, unadulterated, brilliant, innocent, beautiful nature.
What I felt, though, was anything but.
Instead, I was assailed by pain, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of wrongness. I felt completely alone and vulnerable. I felt defenseless, I felt hopeless, I felt betrayed, and I felt angry at the unfairness of life.
I also felt that I did not belong within the framework of such beauty and nature as was presented before me. I was an outsider. I was not a part of its scheme. Not in my body and my life as it is, anyways. Rather, in stark contrast to my surroundings, I was an aberration, and an abomination to my own true nature. I was false whereas all else was true.
Dejectedly and with a sense of resignation and defeat, I sat down in a chair and just stared off into space. I gave into and lost myself in feelings of self-pity and a deep sense of worthlessness. I just stared and stared and stared at nothing, unwilling and unable to move as the majesty of Mother Nature mocked my being all around.
I am not sure how long I sat there, but I was joined shortly by one of my TS friends. Hearing the door open, I looked over and saw her. We made eye contact, and just looked at each other for a moment. Without saying a word, she slowly walked over to where I sat, stood beside me, and leaned down.
She gently grasp my hand, and held it up into hers. For the next couple of minutes, she simply held my hand in hers. And as tears began to pile up and stream softly and silently down my face, it became a powerfully profound moment that I will not forget.
As she continued to hold my hand, though, I could not help but notice how her hand was so soft, so warm, so gentle, so compassionate, so real, and so human.
No words were exchanged. None.
For no words were necessary. Words, in fact, would have broken the spell and prematurely ended the moment.
My friend understood this. She got it. She has been there, done that, and she knew what I needed.
The gracious host and friend that she is, she gave me the moment. She was there for me in the moment.
That moment was powerful in the extreme. That moment I was accepted and loved for who and what I am. That moment I was not alone in the world. That moment was a gift.
That moment I knew that I was also real, and that I can be real.
That moment was life.
And that moment is why friendship and family are all sooo important in this game . . . .