Trans etiquette

[Cheyenne Skye]

I went to my local support group last week and one person that came gave me pause to ask this question before I say anything directly. This person btw is MtF. S/he has come to the meetings before presenting both ways. I think s/he looks much better enfemme than as a man. I was thinking of saying something but I didn't want it to sound offensive. Would it even be appropriate to say anything at all or should I just leave it alone?

[Rogina B]

"You make for a very attractive woman"..How offensive is that?

[sandra-leigh]

In my support group, we sometimes tease one of the members because she only ever attends in male form. But we understand her personal reasons, and there is no "pushing" at all.

Personally, I don't think you should be pushing the person you refer to to dress on the grounds that she looks better as female. You need to listen to her and see if you can piece together why she comes as male. if it turns out that she feels "silly" or something like that, then it would be time to encourage her. If it turns out she's just "down" and sometimes can't be bothered, then possibly just listening to her woes sometimes is about all you can do. If she feels that she doesn't look good, then of course you bring out the praise.

But it might not be any of that. She might have to work late enough to not have time to get ready. Or perhaps some meeting days someone is at home that she doesn't want to have see her.

When I first started attending support meetings, I often would arrive in guy mode and might not get to put anything on -- because I was "stealing time" to attend in secret, and could only be there for about 20 minutes. That is not the case any longer. But the last 3/4 year I was at home semi-minding someone who Wasn't Supposed To Ever Know, and I was lucky to get 10 minutes to get ready and leave: if my hair was tangled, then that didn't even leave enough time to put on my skirt from the top of my pile.

[groove67]

I totally agree when i am told that i am a very beautiful woman to be honest i melt inside.

[Jodi Anne]

In the past I gone to our TS support group both ways, but now I no longer have male clothes and I am not able to hid the breast. I am dresses in womens clothes 24/7 now however I sometimes do not wear a wig (getting too hot here in Florida) and my hair is only just over the ears.
Holy crap things have moved fast this year just a few months ago I had never gone out in public enfemme 0 to 200 MPH

[PaulaQ]

There are a couple of girls in my trans support group who present as male at each meeting. One of them works in a correctional facility - so being stealthy in transition is important until she can get a better job. Her workplace would NOT be a safe place to present as female! Sometimes life is like that.

I'm trying to decide if I'll ever present as male at one of the group meetings. I'm not sure whether or not I want them to know "that other guy". I'm sort of on the fence about that.

[Rianna Humble]

A lot of good advice already. One way to find out more can be with open statements/questions. With one member of my support group who came as him rather than her, I said something like "I see you came a Jim today, it can't always be easy getting time to change after work..."

The member then explained several things that were going on in her life at that point and gave me good openings to offer sympathy and moral support.

[STACY B]

I got some for you ,, Yesterday I was fixing a driveway an a Mean looking chic comes across the street ,, Full of Tattoos an looking real butch ,, I said hello an then she said hey ,, An then started to ask me about fixing her driveway ,, 25 seconds into the conversation I asked her if she was Trans ? She just said Nope ,, Just a plain ol Butch Lesbian ,, I said OK ,, An she asked me if I was an I said YEP ,, Friends from there on out ,, I fixed her driveway for FREE !!! :D:D

Hows that for Real Life Ediquette ?? lol,,,

[kimdl93]

I don't see SA problem with complimenting her femme appearance...no need to comment on her male presentation.

[Silmaril]

Certainly there's no offense in just complimenting the female presentation, but I'm detecting that you're considering trying to make a different point: something along the lines of "Your presentation as a woman is better than your presentation as a man" (not that you'd *ever* state it that bluntly). It makes me wonder what your intent would be: just to provide your opinion of that comparison, or would there be some result you'd be hoping to accomplish in offering that opinion? Because I think the answer to your question (i.e., whether it's appropriate) is in the intent.

I'm in agreement with what I see in Sandra-Leigh's & Rianna's replies: If you're thinking s/he is coming in male mode because of lack of confidence and you'd like to contribute his/her confidence, there are plenty of tactful, supportive ways to get more insight into the story. That will let you know whether offering your opinion will lend support.

But candidly, I can't think of any scenarios where it would be helpful to say anything that somehow places his/her male presentation in a negative light via comparison. It seems to me that anything supportive could be done simply by complimenting the female presentation. That is, to compliment the female presentation, there's no need to include the idea that it's better than the male presentation.

[Jorja]

In my opinion, there is no "Trans etiquette". It is simply a matter of treating others as you would want to be treated. If you feel that you would somehow be offended or insulted if a person approached you and asked a question or made a comment, then don't you make that same mistake. It's not rocket science. It's dealing with other people.

[KellyJameson]

One of the consequences of gender dysphoria for me resulted in my inability to think in terms of gender or sexual identity, not only for myself but for everybody.

I was blind to gender and this was how I adapted to the trauma in childhood that the conflict was causing me. As a child in my mind there was only one gender and everyone belonged to it.

I'm now clear about my gender identity but I'm still very uncomfortable defining other peoples gender or sexual identity because it "hits to close to home" from those times when I was labelled the opposite of who I knew myself to be.

I "wait" for others to lead me to their gender or I avoid it altogether and I particularly do this at TG meetings.

I may compliment clothing or something specific but I avoid gender related terms as much as possible.

I see labels as creating and adding to the wounds but recognize we need the same words that have hurt us, to heal us.

In my opinion move slowly in TG meetings in all things gender related.

[Kathryn Martin]

I deal with the "trans" public in my professional capacity and in my personal life. I ask how my visitor wishes to be addressed.

[TeresaL]

I asked her if she was Trans ? She just said Nope ,, Just a plain ol Butch Lesbian ,, I said OK ,, An she asked me if I was an I said YEP ,, Friends from there on out ,, I fixed her driveway for FREE !!! :D:D

Hows that for Real Life Ediquette ?? lol,,,

Hey Stacy. Me too, I'm butch lesbian and have a driveway that needs coating. Will you fix mine for free too? LOL

My trans group is what it is, and the MtF look like MtF, except for a couple of TS, who look convincingly female. So I quit going because if they think they pass, and I think I pass, then we are all grossly mistaken. I will not tell them that though, and they extended the courtesy to me.

OTOH, telling an MtF that they look good as their "preferred" gender should be a compliment. Do as your heart leads you, especially if they ask for your opinion. Otherwise, and if in doubt though, I will never forget what the mother of the bride told my wife, and is something that can keep us from making an error;

"Keep your mouth shut and wear beige." LOL She really did say that.

[DaniG]

Since I've only started cross dressing recently, I don't feel like I'm up to it yet, so I go as male. Plus, my wife isn't ready for me to leave the house dressed. It definitely feels strange being there male, and I always wish I could go female. One of these days...

Personally, I'm still dealing with self-image. It would make my month to have someone complement my femme appearance.

[Badtranny]

Just a plain ol Butch Lesbian ,,,

I love that story and it just goes to show you that there are NO rules when it comes to transition. I would have never asked that question, but I have a different style of communication. It works for Stace, and my way wouldn't work for her, we are all different but we have that one little thing in common; transition.

If you're bold enough to live your life out loud, then you should be bold enough to compliment someone on pretty much anything. I've never met a shy transwoman, ...no kidding, every MtF I know is as bold as they come.

[Angela Campbell]

It is ok to give a compliment, but I wouldn't compare the male appearance to the female one, I would just compliment the appearance I see at the moment. I try to be nice. Myself, I do not let others see me both ways. There is only one person who knows me as a man and a woman. My TG friends only know Ellen.


I totally agree when i am told that i am a very beautiful woman to be honest i melt inside.

Me too. Not the beautiful part but when they tell me I look like a woman I do kind of melt, I always wanted that.

[STACY B]

Hey at this stage I will take ANYTHING as Positive ,, All the time ,, Well sometimes I am not TRYING someone will say You look like a Girl ,, My grand daughter told me once ,, An a few others ,, I always have the same answer >>> THANKS !!
Like I always say if YOU DON'T tell people WHO WILL >> ( EDUCATE ) >>> EDUCATION >>> Tell people ,, If you think there is a tiny chance they will get it TELL !! How are they going to EVER KNOW ? If a Big Fat Redneck Like me can be like this ANYONE CAN !!! So help another sister out an pave some streets !! THANKS ,, Ahead of time ,,,Thanks again !!