No sex with a crossdresser

[Difficulttime]

Hi there,
I am 45 and my husband is a crossdresser.
He told me some years ago and was shocked. He is a great guy, good person, a good man. We have been together for 20 years now.
At the beginning of our relationship, sex was ok. Not fantastic, but ok. But after, let’s say, 4 years, it began to disappear, little by little. And then, it never happened again. He had difficulties to have erections with me and sex was like a torture. So we stopped. A year ago I could not handle it anymore. No sex at all for 10 years was probably more than a person can handle. Not even a kiss. He says he is not gay; he likes and gets horny with the woman he becomes when he crossdresses. Too much for me. I respect him, but do not understand why he does this, and even more, why he does not want to have sex with me.
I met another man some months ago and suddenly I have started to feel a desirable woman again. Sex with him is incredible. But I still love my husband, and also love my lover. I do not know what will happen now.
I guess I am writing this because I would like to understand if my situation is a common one, especially about the lack of sex. Thanks for your help.

[Alexis.j]

I would have suggested taking his desires/needs into concern as well, his cross dressing is part of him, and there is nothing wrong if that turns him on. He needs your support just as you need him.

[Raychel]

First of all Welcome to the forum.

every person has differant needs. Ours is a bit opposite here.
I won't go into any details.

If you can learn to love each other for the people that you are, and
have a comfortable arrangement, then that is all you really need.

Once you get more then 10 post's you an PM me and I will go into deeper detail if you like.

Again Welcome to the forum.

[Maria in heels]

Hi...it sounds like you are totally torn, and don't understand why he's just "not there" for you. It is a very tough thing to deal with, and hopefully you can work things out.

[DAVIDA]

Hi Difficulttime!
Welcome to the forum.:hugs:
Like Raychel said, you need ten posts. You also need to post in the introduction section.:thumbsup:
There is a separate section for GGs.(genetic girls)
I hope that you can find the answers you are looking for.:)

[kimdl93]

It's not an easy situation and I'm sorry you had To take a love to get your needs met, but don't blame you either.

If your husband is around your age, theres probably an underlying cause for his lack of interest is sex. Would he consider or enjoy sex with you en femme? Would he consider the little blue pill? Would he consider seeking medical or psychological help to address his lack of libido? Those are all fair questions to ask of him. Best of luck.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Hi, and welcome.

Many (most?) married couples report that their sex lives decline after the first few years, and with age, and with the age of the marriage. Even a complete lack of sex isn't unusual in a long marriage, just ask your parents what their friends report.

When my former wife was around your age she had issues surrounding peri-menopause that caused sex to be unpleasant for her; we had a talk and just stopped "for a while". A few years later when she expressed an interest, I found that I had lost mine -- partly due to meds -- and we never got back together, physically. (Our mutual memories didn't help; months of increasingly painful, frustrating sex before we stopped. The idea of trying again was scary.) We eventually split because we hadn't met each others' needs, physical or otherwise, in quite some time. It's hard to judge a situation from a few lines of text, but it sounds like you have gone elsewhere to meet your needs, and so has he.

My only real point is that my crossdressing had nothing to do with it. Do you see his crossdressing as a "root cause" that was not addressed when it first arose, or is it a result, or...?

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi Difficulttime,

I hear the pain and confusion in your post. Sorry things between you and your husband are like they way they are. There sounds like a lot of different dynamics going on with intimacy, desire and more than you or we here can know. That has got to be really frustrating. My suggestion would be to see if he is open to marriage counseling and to get him to open up to a counselor and put everything on the table and see what he truly desires out of your marriage, if he even knows.

As hard as it is, hold back judgment for now until he is able to make it clear what is going on within him, so you know what exactly it is that is between you and your marriage. That, I think would be the best first step to take, and then go from there. I love to encourage folks as much as I can, but there is no real way for me to help you the way I would like, other than say you both need to see someone, both being completely honest, so they can get both sides of the coin in this situation.

If he is open to counseling, that is where you should start. There may be things that get revealed that neither of you anticipated because of communication problems. Crossdressing is no big deal, so long as it does not take away from the union of marriage, where both partners should be in alignment on things such as this. Unfortunately, for some reason, his crossdressing seems to have consumed him to the point of neglecting you, but I won't judge. There may be reasons that led him there, reasons that can only be revealed through a neutral mediator that hears you both. We here can only support and share our own experiences, but this seems on a level best sorted out by a professional.

Cheers, and I pray the best for you both.

Kalista

[Tilly Vega]

Sounds like he's having an affair with himself. I don't mean to offend,but is his femme appearance providing a sex appeal that you may lack? To be honest that is a reality in my life. Its very rare for me to get aroused by anyone period,but experience arousal when in drag cause I offer the mental and physical attributes that Im yet to find or would care to find in the majority of men or women. It's obvious you care about him,but obviously not enough to restrain yourself from committing adultery. I'm thankfully not familiar with the intricacies of legal marriage,but I would consider reevaluating your futures with each other. Its understandable that your trying to get the most out of your libido before it goes away too,but cheating is the cowards way of facing relationship issues. This and all the former are simply my opinions. You have to take initiative since your the one having the issues. Good luck.

[rachel_rachel]

I'd like to remind you that you're talking a group of men here too... I'm not saying that in a mean or derogatory way either, just the truth.
So there might be a few replies that you might not be ready for..

[pinknos]

Does your husband know you are sleeping with someone else?

[MissTee]

Hey Difficulttime, welcome to our little forum. Not exactly the best of circumstances that brings you here, and I wish the best for you in finding the answers you seek.

I have to wonder that -- even though you bring up sex -- if you likely are referring to "intimacy" instead. A lot of people equate sex with intimacy, and vice-versa. What prompts me to bring up intimacy is your statement, "Not even a kiss." Intimacy is a very strong need we all have. When intimacy is lost, the connection between two people fades and relationships begin to move in all sorts of alternate directions. Most of those include finding ways to gain or regain intimacy, and many times include third parties.

Twenty years is a long time to be together. However, you have someone new who fills your intimacy need and it feels good. At the same time, you may be responding to an emotional sense of duty or responsibility to your long term marriage. Haven't heard his side yet, but does your husband know how strongly you feel and that you've taken to seeing someone else because of it?

Both you and your husband need to be in counseling to sort this out. Not something you can do alone. Likewise, know that any third parties with any real interest in you will stand in opposition and will likely work against your best efforts to save your marriage.

Good luck, sweetie.

[Beverley Sims]

I would have suggested taking his desires/needs into concern as well, his cross dressing is part of him, and there is nothing wrong if that turns him on. He needs your support just as you need him.

I strongly agree with Alexis, I f you can overcome your visions of X dressing even a little, it is likely his libido will return.
The grass may be greener on the other side at the moment, but it soon dies.

I would hedge your bets and stay with working on your husband.

[Taylor186]

I guess I am writing this because I would like to understand if my situation is a common one, especially about the lack of sex. Thanks for your help.

To answer your question directly: From what I've read across many cd forums, this is more common than most cds are willing to admit. Especially if you don't allow cding into the bedroom. Which is fine, your choice. How common is "more common"? I couldn't really put a number on it.

[Lucy_Bella]

Difficulttime,When I first read your post .. I was kinda angry about the finding another man part..Then I re read it and what struck me was the " he didn't want to have sex" part.. How awful is that to be in a one sided relationship to where you man does not fill your sexual needs? To chase you away and to fill those needs outside of your marriage.. I think its more than crossdressing.. I will not not bash neither of you until you comment a little more other than no sex ,husband is a good man but crossdresses and you are having an affair on him.. Good luck ..

[Jenniferathome]

Hi, I can only speak of my experience, but no, lack of sex is not part of cross dressing. He "says he not gay" but is that the truth? If you want to salvage the relationship, you will have to explore that part of it. To me, it is just not normal to NOT have sex with your wife. And, cross dressing is not a substitute for sex.

Good luck


To answer your question directly: From what I've read across many cd forums, this is more common than most cds are willing to admit. Especially if you don't allow cding into the bedroom. Which is fine, your choice. How common is "more common"? I couldn't really put a number on it.

Whoa! That is a shocking statement. I've been on this forum for 2+ years and have never seen this kind of commentary. And as for allowing the cross dressing into the bedroom, you are way off base. The vast majority of women want a man in the bedroom and if you love your wife, you will respect that.

[Annaliese2010]

"...lack of sex" ??? huh? that just does not compute. life's not worth living w/o regular sex w/a girl you're hot for. i mean...wtf? don't Get that. it's basic. elemental. much like air. glad you found someone that quickens you. makes you feel Alive again! :) out of the land of the walking dead. awww...good4u bae.

[Joann Smith]

Maybe y'all not in love no more ?

[Natalya]

Hi

I'm sorry that it is through difficult circumstances that you have come to crossdressers.com but there are certainly a wealth of varied experiences here that may resonate with yours.

I think it's important to understand that there could be a number of issues, any or all of which might help to explain your husband's apparent lack of interest in you as a sexual partner.

There could be something physically wrong which, if he was willing, could be sorted out with suitable medical intervention. As, however, he seems to have no problem satisfying his own sexual desires by himself, that's probably not to the case here.

This might indicate, then, a psychological component, such as anxiety. Anxiety issues around sexual performance and a real or imagined perception of failing to satisfy a partner can be a very difficult cycle to break out of, particularly if, as seems to be the case here, your husband has made the problem, from his point of view, go away by simply avoiding intimacy of any kind. It may be that he has serious anxiety issues about his cross dressing or gender identity or his perception of how you handle these issues. It could be anxiety arising from something totally unrelated to sex, gender or cross dressing.

It may be, however, that your husband is just naturally asexual; that is, he feels no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. Being asexual doesn’t, necessarily, mean that a person lacks a need for companionship (not all asexual people are taciturn lone wolves like me); it doesn't mean that they won't have tried to have sex with other people if it seemed the 'right' or 'expected' thing for them to do; it doesn't mean that, from time to time, they won't need some sort of sexual release; it doesn't mean that they cannot or will not be aroused by other stimuli - in your husband's case, either by the act of cross dressing or, as you say, by the woman he becomes.

I can see your marriage surviving as a loving relationship, even with your lover involved, but you and your husband need to be open about how you both feel towards each other, about sex, about cross dressing, about gender identity, about fidelity and understanding of each other's needs, desires and dreams.

Talk to each other, listen to each other and be ready for the unexpected.

Hope this helps but, if not, keep looking, keep asking questions.

Best wishes,

Natasha

[flatlander_48]

I guess I am writing this because I would like to understand if my situation is a common one, especially about the lack of sex. Thanks for your help.

Yes, hopefully there will be more responses to address this particular question as time goes on. That said, glad you're here and your presence (along with others) may also be useful to folks here. We learn and gain different perspectives from each other.

Anyway, I'll throw out some information that perhaps might be a good starting point.

The older I get (64 now), the more I come to realize how COMPLICATED human sexuality is. Two people can have similar backgrounds, experiences and thought processes, but behave in vastly different ways. Flip that around, you can see the same behaviors, but the path taken to get there may be entirely different. Here you will run across people who crossdress because it feels good to them to do that. Others crossdress because a significant part of their psyche has a female orientation. Still others have a female mind, but it resides in a male body. While the last situation is distinct, the first two can have a fair amount of fuzz or grey area.

As people talk about what's happening for them, their families and their situations, you will discover a large portion (and likely the largest single group) are actually straight in sexual orientation. I am not, so the demographics of the group surprised me a bit. When we come out to people, I think the most frequent questions are "Are you gay?" and "Do you want to be a woman?". Society at large still doesn't understand why we do what we do. For that matter, many of us don't either. It is a hard thing to realize that we may be different from how we thought we were. As it sits, we are considered to be outside of usual behavior. I won't use the word Normal because it may very well be that normalcy encompasses what we do. But, we're definitely outside of the behaviors that you will usually see.

Regarding your particular situation, there are too many variables for me to comment on at this distance. But, I do hope things work out for you and your husband. Ask questions, get a sense of what's happening for people and how they are dealing with their issues.

Remember:

You are not the first and you won't be the last.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Well at least you know what that he is a cd and I would encourage you to be open with him. It is a fantasy of many cd's that their wife will accept this part of them enough to bring it into the bedroom. This rarely happens but that doesn't mean you can't have open communication about both of your sexuality. I don't have that luxury as I am closeted. I do understand how sex becomes very tied up in our dressing, but I try to compartmentalize that and am still very attracted to my wife in drab mode. Would I love to enjoy sex with her while dressed, of course but I don't see that happening. Try to be open and honest, ask her about her sexuality and don't be judgmental. At the same time express your needs. Sex is such an important aspect but relationships take on all kinds of forms. If you having a lover and that satisfy s that part of you there is nothing to say you still can't have a satisfying marriage and make that work.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I'll probably repeat a lot that's been said here. Hopefully you can both have a good long talk and each honestly express your feelings and work it all out. It's too bad you had to find a lover but under those circumstances it's understandable because needs can drive one. Whether it's right or wrong is up to your conscience alone. I won't judge. If he was having painful erections I wonder if that could possibly cause an aversion to sex. Is it possible he has low testosterone levels? Depression? I'm a bit surprised that the level of intimacy doesn't even include a kiss.

As for myself and my wife, we stopped having sex too. But, she has lost interest yet enjoys intimacy and so do I. I'm 60 and cannot perform like I used to. She has also experienced menopausal symptoms.

Back in the day we'd have sex maybe once a week. But here's another thought---When we had sex I fantasized being the woman, and she knew it and played along. She would still be satisfied. Many times in between I enjoyed "solo sex" while dressed. She knew that too. So now I and maybe others might wonder if your husband maybe might be the woman of his dreams while dressed.

Your original post leaves us with more questions. We hope you come back here with more of your thoughts after reading all that has been said and maybe more help will come. As one poster said, you're hearing a lot from men who crossdress. Hopefully more wives could offer their perspectives. Do get involved posting in the GG forum. I wish you the best.

Cheryl

[docrobbysherry]

I've been married, Difficult, and I've had female room mates. In my opinion, u can't have a marriage without sex unless it's what u both want. U two r actually room mates.

When the sex and intimacy stopped in my marriage, I wanted to separate. When we couldn't resolve our differences, we divorced. It was expensive, complicated, and heart breaking for me. However, it was much better for our kids than us staying together in a loveless, pointless charade.

I know of a number of friends that stayed together with their wives as room mates after the love left their hearts and bedrooms. But, I have a hard time understanding why? U only have so much time to live, why waste it with someone u no longer care about?

[Marleena]

Okay... so you cheated on him. The marriage is over as far as I'm concerned. Try couples counselling or give it up. That's the way I see it.

[Stephanie47]

I think you should see a therapist so you can sort out all the issues. Doing a little math you have been together since you were twenty-five. If you husband was your age (+/-) sex should have been more than adequate in the beginning. Frankly, even if married, a sexual relationship always needs work. It sounds as if there is an underlying issue with his sexuality. There is more going on than a difference in frequency in needing/wanting the sex act. My wife wants intimacy outside of the bedroom. It's holding hands, a hug, a stroll together, kissing.

If he only gets aroused and only has sex with himself, there is something definitely wrong with the relationship. Any cross dresser should respect the wife's refusal/reluctance to have sex while he is en femme. He may feel you are rejecting that part of him, which may actually be the case. My wife does not accept my cross dressing, and, I am fine with that. But, that has not terminated expressions of love.

If you still feel there is a bonding with him, in addition to individual counseling I'd go for couples counseling. To go without physical and emotional intimacy for ten years indicates your marriage is in need of help. I can fully understand your need to get that intimacy outside of your marriage. Husbands and wives should not live together as brother and sister. That's what my wife says about these situations.

[Alice Torn]

Marleena is right. Adultery does nothing to help or save a marriage. If you two can afford it, some marriage counsel is a good idea to pursue., preferably one who knows some about CD issues.

[~Joanne~]

Yeah your situation is a common one....amongst cheaters. Instead of talking to their loved one and finding out exactly what is going on, what needs to be fixed or how to fix it, they run into another persons bed and feel justified in doing so.

[STACY B]

Yeah your situation is a common one....amongst cheaters. Instead of talking to their loved one and finding out exactly what is going on, what needs to be fixed or how to fix it, they run into another persons bed and feel justified in doing so.


Wait a min !! 10 YEARS ? Come on she waited 10 years ,, Atleast give her that ..
Most people won't wait 10 min !!
An maybe he is or has been cheating all along ? With his Boy Friend ?
Never know ??
10 Years is a long time to do nothing at all . Crossdressing don't have nothing to do with that ,, If you don't do nothing at all that sounds like blood flow . :D

[~Joanne~]

I hear what your saying Stacy, But if sex was that important to her, after a month of not having any, she should have started communicating with her husband better as obviously there was not a line of communication going. Waiting 10 years and feeling "justified" in breaking wedding vows is the reason why so many marriages/relationships don't last and is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Communication is a very important part of any good, long, relationship even if you take the CDing out of it which she knew about for 20 years.

An maybe he is or has been cheating all along ? With his Boy Friend ?
Never know ??

She didn't state that and I can't think of one woman on this planet that wouldn't state that the first thing out the gate to also help justify her cheating. There are too many unknowns in the op's post and we are getting one side of the story as always. My response was based upon what is known and what she has said. She stated sex was dead after 4 years......why wait ten? There was also a mention that he may have had a medical problem which neither one of them went to have checked also according to the lack of mention in the post.

[Lorileah]

I would have suggested taking his desires/needs into concern as well, his cross dressing is part of him, and there is nothing wrong if that turns him on. He needs your support just as you need him.
Maybe I am misreading this but she isn't the issue. HE is the issue here. He is the one who bailed on the sexual part not her. The understanding he needs is to KNOW that the marriage isn't JUST about him. It is a partnership. Here is my understanding for him. All you bags are packed, the cab will be here in 15 minutes, you have that time to figure out who you love more, yourself or me. I am not here to fill your domestic desires.


Sounds like he's having an affair with himself. Perfect answre. And maybe he and himself will be very happy alone together


Okay... so you cheated on him. The marriage is over as far as I'm concerned. Try couples counselling or give it up. That's the way I see it.

The marriage ended LOOOOONG before the affair. He was not there for her needs. He was self centered and selfish and he is the one who killed the love affair.

Now, where is the curb? Do you need help kicking toward it???

[Eryn]

Wow, 10 years is a long time to go without addressing a problem of this magnitude. Better late than never, however!

From the CDer side my experience was that my libido suffered when I was worried about my wife's acceptance of my TG status. It's a very fragile thing and it only takes a little anxiety to shut things down.

Once I was assured that she was OK with my femme side my libido recovered and I'd even venture to say that things are the best they have ever been.

Now, this is one data point, but one that demonstrates that a positive outcome is possible with effort from both partners.

Others have suggested counseling as an option and I'd agree with that. Anything that gets the two of you communicating with each other and opens both of your minds will be helpful.

[Marleena]

Two wrongs don't make a right. He neglected her, no doubt. The OP should have asked here or tried counselling first before having an affair. You can even take the Cding part out of the equation and I still see it as wrong.

[busker]

Okay... so you cheated on him. The marriage is over as far as I'm concerned. Try couples counselling or give it up. That's the way I see it.
Actually her husband cheated on her but satisfying himself first and denying any sexual satisfaction that should have been part of the marriage. I would say that complete selfishness has overtaken him, if not other things as well. Not certain how he can be a "good man" and still be this selfish.
Too many fantasists and apologists replying to make a lot of advice useful. Men justifying a crappy marriage so that the husband can CD. You got to be kidding right? Time for some shrink time.

Difficulttime, it is time to send your husband for some therapy and head for the lawyer. this looks like a situation that will not self-resolve. Doing one thing to the exclusion of all else suggests serious problems. Get yourself over to the GG forum part and see how other wives are managing . Asking Cds if this is "just natural" is not going to get you very far towards resolving your seriously troubled marriage. You have clearly made a choice about your marriage when you crossed the line into someone else's arms. Sherry is probably right with her advice at this point.

[Marleena]

@ Busker, seriously if you take CDing out of the equation you have a man neglecting his wife. That's a given.

Let's just give the green light to everybody that has marriage problems to have an affair. Okay..

[Aly Cat]

Ok, so Im gonna offer my two cents here. First of all, there is obviously an intimacy issue going on. That much is obvious. I understand your need to get some gratification and even though it may feel justified, it is outside the sanctity of marriage.

There are some tough choices that need to be made and only you can make them. I dont expect you to answer them on here and quite frankly they shouldnt be. This is soul searching you need to do...Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to stay with your current husband? If the sex aspect of the relationship could be rekindled and fixed, is that enough? You are at a fork in the road here and you cant successfully walk both roads. Keeping a foot on both paths will only either tear you apart or make you fall...neither of which are any good for YOU. Yes, you have cheated, no the marriage does not have to be over. Is giving up and letting it be over easier?...probably. Sometimes though its the path less traveled that leads to the greatest reward. The fact that you took the time to make a step in creating an account on this site, waiting for it to get approved, and then post your concerns means there is something in you that is still fighting for your marriage. If that is the case and you want to continue... keep reading. I think I have your husband pegged....no pun intended.

Ok, so you mentioned that you have been married for 20 years and that your love life was eh..so so. Eventually both parties decided it wasnt really worth it and you guys stopped because he was having a hard time remaining "at attention". You also mentioned that he does get sexual gratification from dressing. Now, if you are willing to put your own state of mind on the shelf for at least 1 night, I have a challenge for you. If you are willing to do what it takes to find out how to reach your husband, youre going to have to see him en femme. I believe your husband is a Submissive. You may be thinking...he doesnt have a submissive personality...or maybe you are thinking...ya, you may be right. The fact of the matter is, if he is very dominant in his every day life, the bedroom may be where he lets out his control by wanting to be dominated. Perhaps the reason he was having a hard time when you guys did make love is because he was having to play the dominant role that didnt fit him.

Experiment:
Pick a day when both of you are not going to be busy at all. Tell him you want to try something if he is open to it. You may meet some resistance because both of you are out of practice with each other, but just push through it. The prep work on your end is to either go to the store or online to fredricks of holywood and pick out the sexiest outfit you can find that would be his size. Not something you think would be comfortable, but just raw sexiness. Get it for him complete with garter, stockings..the whole 9 yards. While youre at it, go to an adult site/store and order some beginner sized WOMENS toys (toys you would use on yourself), and some handcuffs or silk ropes, lubes etc. Buy a good hair trimmer and a fresh razor. DONT TELL HIM WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND DONT LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE ORDERED/BOUGHT. When he agrees to give whatever you have in mind a shot, take him to the bathroom and shave him from the neck down. Chances are he will feel odd but ok since he enjoys being en femme anyways. If he asks you what you are doing, tell him...if you are going to play the female, you need to look the part...dont say anything else and if he keeps asking questions or talking, simply tell him sshhh....
If he is a hairy beast, it will take some time to get all the hair so just take it all down to stubble with the trimmer first and then shave the rest. Once he is all silky smooth, give him the outfit in the bathroom and tell him to change into it....TELLING being the operative word. Dont give him the choice. Tell him you will be waiting outside. When he comes out, this may be the hardest part for you. If you cannot react positively to him dressed, do not react at all. Keep a perfectly blank face. This first part is going to be most important. Imagine yourself in all your nervousness the first time you walked out all dressed for the one you loved. Heart racing, thoughts flowing through your head...am I sexy enough, etc. Hes going to be having the same thoughts and any negative reactions you have will be 1000 times amplified to him. Direct him to the bed and be dominating. I am not going to go into any details from this point on because I think you can use your imagination.

If you are not a dominating person in nature, this will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your marriage and I am not giving you an easy task. I know how you feel about him being dressed and it does nothing for you if not repels you....suck it up this one time. Do some research on how to be dominating. The internet is full of how to's for beginner dominatrix's. Read read read. Treat him as the female he wants to be....in all aspects. If everything works out great and he loves it, it may be just what HE needs in the bedroom to be intimate. At that point, you have to ask yourself the serious question of can you yourself handle that? If yes, then after the night is over and he has had his fun, let him know that you are willing to work with him in being what he needs you to be, but on the flip side, you need him to be what you need too. Explain that it cant happen every time and that there has to be a compromise so that both of you get what you need in the bedroom.

Like it was stated in previous posts...intimacy is something totally different from sexuality. It will not come right away and you cant expect it to. But, sometimes what a fire needs is a spark and this may be the spark that is a catalyst for a passion you two have never known. If you do decide to work this out and both of you are ok with being what the other needs.....drop the side-hand love. I mean, END IT AND BE DONE WITH IT. Work on what is important to you. Since you are a woman, you are in a very advantageous position of being able to fake the hell out of getting off. Fake it for him. As a guy, we cant hide those things. We are either "at attention" or not. After the night is over, you can let him know that it did nothing for you (but be gentle)....or you may find out that you like having a little power in the bedroom ;) Either way though, fake it through the first time and decide if this is something you can handle. If it is NOT something you can handle, then you have your answer and let your husband go so that he can find someone who truly gets him as a person and be happy with himself and who he is....you will not be able to change him no matter what. I certainly dont think the marriage is over unless you simply want it to be. But try this first to see if this is the issue he has been having all along. If so, than it will be a discovery for himself so that he knows where he fits, and it will be a discovery for you too. Either way, you both will have learned something about each other and yourselves and will have your final answer after that in what to do.

But pick a path and walk it...diamonds only have a value because they are rare and hard to get. You could have a precious stone of a marriage...you just have to dig for it.

[Marleena]

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't agree with the affair, nor am I defending the husband. There is a huge problem going on and was allowed for far too long. A marriage is a partnership and working things out together. Talking to each other and counselling would the first steps. If the problem couldn't be fixed I'd ask for a separation before hopping in the sack with somebody else while I'm still married.


Oh..and I agree with Lorileah, kick him to the curb if it can't be resolved.

[jackielou]

have you tried to make love with him while he is dressed in his female underware he may be looking for acceptance and if he gets excited while dressed then you take him as a female and love him the way he would do you.

[Aly Cat]

The only reason I think he may be a Submissive is because I tend to lurk around 4chan's sexuality page quite a bit and have heard these stories before. Typically from the guys perspective. The stories are very similar to OP's here. Of course on 4chan, the replies that the OP's usually get are derogatory and damaging to their psyche. I wish they could find a place like this with more of a positive environment. But ya, he may be getting his stimulation in a different way than just Rosy Palm and the 5 sisters. Who knows. Its not super uncommon and doesnt mean hes gay either. It doesnt require him to be "at attention" and is probably the closest thing to the blow your mind pleasure that women get when they "O". Anyways, I say she at the very least, do what others have said and let him try being dressed in something sexy and just leave out personal views on the matter...My sister once told me...Fake it till you make it. Maybe this is what needs to be done.

You as a GG can hide every bit of your feelings....not that its the most healthy, but you can still be physical without being turned on. At this stage, and how far the relationship has slipped, "love making" is probably not going to happen. Emotionally, neither of you are there. You need raw passion to get the ball rolling. I once saw a MEME picture that said...."You dont need to look like a model as long as you **** like a porn star." At this point, if you are serious about making it work, act the part that he needs even if you dont feel like it and when he starts to open up, you should too and be as honest with him as possible and set some boundaries and rules. Compromise is tough, but can be well worth it.

I only know about the whole "love making" vs "raw passionate sex" thing because I myself have been there with my wife several times. It comes down to a physical carnal need and let it be just that at first. Love making will come later on when you start to make a connection again with each other. See the forest for the trees. There is more that meets the eye.

Also, have you considered that he may have been desensitized by porn? Porn is a major thing that a lot of guys deal with and the more they watch, for some, the harder it is to do "normal" sex acts. Just food for thought and may be something to consider asking him about. Im just trying to think of things that may be some sort of root cause for the disconnect aside from just complacency in the relationship.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Ya know, Eva Lynn might be on to something here. If he is only concerned about his CDing then maybe she should radically take it steps further and create an ultimatum and almost demand he be a woman full time if that's what makes him happy. It seems like he is being very selfish to think of only himself and disregarding her needs. So maybe there should be an ultimatum for both to make their choices? The more I think about it, ten years is a long time to go without. I don't condone cheating either. There was enough time to start the communication process.

Cheryl

[Jenniferathome]

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't agree with the affair, nor am I defending the husband. There is a huge problem going on and was allowed for far too long. A marriage is a partnership and working things out together. Talking to each other and counselling would the first steps. If the problem couldn't be fixed I'd ask for a separation before hopping in the sack with somebody else while I'm still married.


Oh..and I agree with Lorileah, kick him to the curb if it can't be resolved.

You hit the nail on the head as far as "marriage is a partnership." So now, the deed is done. Adultery is in the books. Open up and work it out or end it. "Cheating" is simply wrong. Any 4 year old knows that.

[Lucy_Bella]

The cheating only shows the root of the problem had gone out of hand.. I found this article and maybe this could help..Women who have sex with crossdressed men are lesbians.

Many wives of transvestites say that they have sex with their husbands when their spouses are dressed as women because it is something that their husbands enjoy and they love them. Some say they are ambivalent to the feminine attire their husbands wear, and allow them to wear it because it is not important to the relationship. Some of these women may have lesbian tendencies or may be bisexuals. But the fact that a woman has sex with a crossdressed man proves only one thing; that she loves him. In fact, the wives of many crossdressers report that once their husbands have opened up and shared their secret desire for wearing women's clothes, they seem to be free of the tension and anger that may have threatened their marriages. The men become more attentive and tender with their partners This provides an additional reason for women to accept their mate's crossdressing

[bomba]

i think u should help him feminize.make him submissive.and keep your boyfriend and your husband.im sure your husband would be very happy and you will also.you may find that your husband will become your best friend.you may get closer to him than ever before.my wife has a boyfriend and i dont mind.i did at first but now i like the fact she can go out have fun and be satisfied.it takes pressure off of me and i love the stories she tells me.we had a rough time of it for a while but once i accepted her as the boss,things have gotten much better.try it as it might work well for you.

[kellycan27]

Eva

The problem with your little scenario is that it's quite obvious that the OP wants nothing to do with this type behavior. Compromising her values to satisfy his isn't going to make things any better and will probably only lead to him falling even deeper into his own desires. How often have we seen guys getting an inch and taking a foot much to the dismay of his wife?
Your little speech is just another example that its the wife who is somehow remiss for not being on board with stuff like this and it's up to her to "make things right". If " she" wants to save the relationship.
Quite personally... If my husband showed up for bed dressed as and wanting to be treated as a woman the only thing I'd stick up his behind would be my wedding ring..... Sideways!

[Eryn]

I think that the OP's issue has been well-addressed but some of the later posts are getting a bit out there. I'm therefore closing the thread.

[Lorileah]

I am going to step in here and say something. I have been in the SM community and you all are acting like it is a game, something the OP should do to show her dominance to her SO. You are sooooo far off it hurts. You don't just force (even if you think they are submissive) someone into a submissive role. You don't go into a cuckholding or poly relationship without all parties being on the same page. Really people? You like to play your games and you like to think you know how a lifestyle works. But you are so far off on this one I can't even believe you are suggesting it. Bad advice, very very bad advice.