Reveal to therapist?

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi girls,

As you may know, I've been away from this forum for a long time. During this time I barely dressed at all (kind of suppressed due to living conditions). Yet, despite being completely away from the lifestyle I still have the feeling inside that I'm not happy being male and ponder whether I'd ever be able to be happy in this body. Having read old posts of mine it seems this opinion hasn't changed much over the years and isn't going anywhere unless I do something about it.

I'm currently seeing a therapist each week for depression, confidence and the like. My fem side hasn't come out yet as I'm still incredibly embarrassed by it. I know there is support on here (thanks!) but revealing it in person, to a stranger, is another story. Having said that, it almost came out last session. It was on the tip of my tongue.

I'm curious if any of you have ever broached the subject with a therapist and how it went. Did you find it beneficial? Did it help you understand this side of you more? Any advice?

It would be the first time telling someone outside of a girlfriend. I'm quite certain I would never get SRS (couldn't bear to tell family, friends) so I debate whether it's worth bringing up during session.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts!

[AmyGaleRT]

Dreamer, I'd kind of think that this is something you're supposed to tell your therapist about. I'm not a doctor, but I'd think it might have a bearing on your other issues, and of course your therapist is one person you can safely tell, due to doctor-patient confidentiality. If your present therapist doesn't feel comfortable discussing gender-identity issues, perhaps you can get a referral to one that does.

My own opinion is, the fact that you're asking the question is a good indication that you consider it important enough to discuss with the therapist. So, put thus, is not the question its own answer?

- Amy

[Princess29]

its definitely something that I would consider talking to a therapist about. You are already seeing one and it wont do you any good to hold things back that are related to what you are trying to resolve

[dreamer_2.0]

Thanks, Amy (pretty pic, btw!)

You're probably right. A close friend also suggested that this side of me could be the underlying cause to my other issues. Next session isn't for a while but you made a very good point. More than one, actually.

[giuseppina]

Hello Dreamer

Your therapist needs the whole picture. They are bound by confidentiality statutes, at least in most genuine democracies. In Canada, breach of confidentiality is considered professional misconduct. Many years ago, I saw a (now deceased) counsellor who talked about another case without mentioning names. That was the last time I saw him. Knowing what I do now, I should have filed a complaint with the relevant regulatory body and let the chips fall where they may.

I am currently seeing a counsellor for depression and self-confidence issues as well, but they have nothing to do with gender issues as far as I can tell. I am not embarrassed about dressing, but I am extremely picky about who I talk with about this issue (only regulated health professionals at this time). I have never been in a romantic relationship.

At the risk of being harsh and analysing, your post leaves the impression you have difficulty accepting yourself as you are. Maybe this is at the root of your self-confidence issues.

If you find yourself feeling judged after revealing the cross-gender feelings, I would be asking questions like "Is s/he the right therapist for me at this time?"

Good luck.

[Barbra P]

I mentioned to my personnel Physician that I wanted to talk to someone about a gender issue. She asked that I meet with the Family Counselor in her Family Practice module and after a two-hour session the Counselor felt a referral to the Psychiatric Department was appropriate. The Counselor talked with several Therapists and suggested one she felt would be a good match for me. Kelly, my Therapist, of course new a bit about me when I showed up for our first session having read the report from the Counselor. I liked Kelly from the start and I felt comfortable talking about my gender issues her.

While I have dressed in drab for most of my sessions I have been to a few sessions as Barbra; Kelly has repeatedly mentioned that I should feel free to come dressed en femme any time I feel like it. During the first session Kelly told me that if I was there looking for a cure for my crossdressing I might as well get up and leave because I was wasting both her time and mine. She could help me better understand myself and hopefully that would help with my anxiety and depression, but there is no known cure for crossdressing within the Medical Profession.

My Wife is tolerant of my dressing to some degree but not what I would categorize as supportive. I have not been able to fully follow a couple of Kelly’s recommendations, one of which is to dress more often. I manage to dress about one day a week and I feel that my Wife would take exception if I tried to dress more. Kelly also suggested that I see an Endocrinologist and begin a low-dose estrogen HRT program, something my Wife was totally against.

If you can’t be forthright, honest, and above board with all aspects of your life when talking to your Therapist I don’t see how you can expect your Therapist to effectively deal with your “depression, confidence and the like” and help you. I think you are wasting your Therapist’s time and more importantly your time. If you were experiencing pain and went to see your Doctor would you expect your Doctor to treat the pain if you didn’t mention that you were in pain?

[mikiSJ]

Yes, you should open up to your therapist, but only when YOU are ready. It is a huge step to disclose a secret you have hidden for many years and feel embarrassed about. Build up your confidence in your therapist. When you chose this therapist, did you research his/her background in gender issues. The last thing you want to happen is to have your therapist injure your psyche with an adverse reaction or worse.

I started seeing a therapist late last year when my depression was deepening and after I told my wife I wanted Miki to grow and she rebelled at the idea. I did my research and sought out a therapist who was well acquainted with gender issues. I was able to tell my therapist the first time we met that I dressed. BUT, that was my experience not yours.

Two weeks ago my therapist asked when will she see Miki, I think a week from now, but that will be a really scary outing for me.

[Natalya]

Hi

I have recently found myself in very much your position: in therapy with issues of depression, anxiety, self-esteem, etc., and at various points hesitant, determined and desperate to bring the gender issues into the mix.

In the end, I didn't and, in the end, the therapy proved to be somewhat ineffective.

To be fair to my therapist, it was a very particular type of therapy focused very much on overcoming my immediate problems. It was clear, as the sessions progressed that I have much deeper issues (not gender-related) that he was not qualified to deal with.

What therapy has taught me, however, is that I do have those deeper, underlying issues that mean my immediate problems cannot be dealt with in isolation. I am pleased to have had the opportunity to step back from that particular therapy and take time to decide what to do next but the prospect of leaping into the realms of psychotherapy and/or gender therapy is a big, scary one; the consequences of doing nothing, on the other hand, will likely be equally bad or worse.

So, my recommendation? If your current therapy is working in dealing with your immediate issues, I would say don't mention it. Get yourself well and ready to deal with gender issues as the next challenge. If your therapy is not working or you're not sure if gender issues are serious root causes, then, on balance, it would be in your best long term interests to bring it up and, either with your current therapist or your primary care provider, work out where you go next.

Best wishes,

Natasha

[Amanda M]

Guiseppina is absolutely correct. If you hold back on this major issue, you are wasting his/her time and your hard earned money! No need to feel embarrassed. As a therapist myself, I can assure you that we are not there to judge, and have seen and heard it all. I hope all goes well for you, Dreamer.

Best, Amanda.

[Beverley Sims]

It is wise to let your therapist in on your secret, it may be a clue to whatever ails you.

[Sabrina133]

Dreamer,

I've been to therapists, off and on, since i was 23. I've found them to be extremely helpful. My current one is super. As i told her when we first met - she's my safe zone. Because of her, I've made amaznig self discoveries. The key is total honesty. She cant help you work through your problems if she doestn know those things about you that she needs to understand.

Take care
Bree

[Johnna.James]

Telling my therapist was the best thing I have done. I was apprehensive to say something as well, but I decided to do so on my very first session. It gave her a better understanding of what makes me tick. I too suffer from depression and since "coming out" (so to speak) to my therapist I feel much better and have stopped all the meds. She has seen me in both male and fem modes. She actually will say that she hasn't seen Johnna in a while, which makes me feel good. So from my personal experience, I would recommend you discuss this with your therapist. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Best of luck to you. ~Johnna~

[boink]

Why not tell your therapist?

It seems that you have some issues to work out in terms of how you see and approach your fem side. You describe being embarrassed, conflicted, and depressed all of which may relate to this side of yours that you're keeping hidden. That may be very relevant and helpful to a therapist who is trying to work with you. And regardless of whether you are planning on coming out to anyone else at all a therapist will keep this all confidential and probably not even bat an eye at this sort of situation. I say go for it.

[NicoleScott]

Yes, you should tell your therapist, especially if the suppression of your femme side is [part of] the cause of your depression. If you can't trust your therapist with this, you need a different one.

[PaulaDallas]

I revealed this to several therapists over the years. One called it a perversion, but treated me for other issues. Others considered it a non-issue. Two considered it in a very positive light, believing that dressing enabled me to get in touch with my feminine side on a deep level. I agree that your therapist needs to know this to get the full picture.

[melissakozak]

I have been in therapy for over ten years, but I am now seeing a gender therapist for issues related to my whole trans identity, and she has been wonderful so far, allowing me to examine all of the issues. For quick background, I live part-time but transition is off the table for me now....but back to your situation, a therapist will most likely ask you in a nonjudgmental fashion, how this fits into your life, etc. I wouldn't worry about it one little bit....

[traci_k]

You should definitely consider telling your therapist. I knew that GD was an underlying issue with my depression and anxiety. We pretty much delved into it immediately and I couldn't be happier. Telling a real person who has your best interests at heart can be a tremendous relief in starting the process of moving forward with your life. As others have said, if you don't trust your therapist, find another one that is familiar with gender issues that you can trust.
Hugs,

[TxCassie]

Welcome Back Dreamer,

What timing that I read your post this morning. I just learned from on-line resources of a therapist here in my home town that I plan to call today. I am contacting him because I want to discuss my dressing, gender issues, not to "cure" but to understand, deal with it, put both sides into balance, perspective, what does it mean, all sorts of questions. Like so many, the dressing discussion may very well lead to other issues, which at 53yrs, is about time I talk out. Don't you agree?

Honey, be honest with her. You have nothing to lose. How could you ever get to anywhere you want to go if you don't lay it all out.

You have a friendly ear and kind shoulder here. I am not an expert, but I can relate and share my experiences with you too.

Good Luck Honey, It's a wonderful journey.

Cassie :love:

[sheilagirl]

Hello Dreamer,
So interesting that you're bringing this up. Just recently, after about 40 years of off-and-on CDing, two failed marriages and counseling with scores of therapists, I finally shared the existence of "Sheila" with someone. I've been meeting with my current psychologist for about 6 months. I too have been battling depression and a MD that I have been seeing recommended her. After a few sessions, I decided it was time to reveal "The Big Secret". I finally let it out when we were talking about being honest with ourselves and others. I could feel my entire body get flush as the words came out of my mouth. My wonderful, understanding counselor, just smiled and reassured me that it was good for me to let this out. The dominate feeling I got was a BIG sense of relief and the fact that this really WASN'T as big as I had made it for so long. Much of the guilt and fear of being discovered just sort of drifted away. Don't get me wrong, I haven't started shouting from the rooftops, but I feel a whole lot better! A couple of weeks ago I made the big step of coming to one of my sessions in Sheila mode. Wow! I'd never dressed in front of another person before and I was paranoid that someone from my neighborhood would recognize me, but I made it. It was both scary and exhilarating! My counselor was very complimentary and said that I could probably give her a few fashion tips! I even got to carry one of my vintage Coach handbags!

[STACY B]

Not Me ,,, I walked right in an Spilled my Guts to the Doctor ,, lol,,, An HE sent me strait to a Gender Therapist ,, An then Spilled them all over again ,, Went twice an then brought my SO to the next one ,, Hell she is married to me she should know whats going on an I am not one for Secretes . But I don't know of any better place to tell it all an get it all out than there ?
Hell if that the ONLY TIME you can be yourself is there atleast that's once a week an is better than not at all .
So I say Tell ,,,Tell,,,, Tell ,, As soon as you walk in the Door !! An you will see how WONDERFUL you will feel ,, But be careful you will want to keep telling ,,lol,,,

[Angela Campbell]

I guess it was kind of easy for me to tell the therapist. I came dressed in a nice pants suit, wig, nails and high heels. There was probably little doubt what I was there for. She was very nice and she referred me to a therapist who had transitioned from female to male and I went there dressed as well. No reason to hide who you are from someone who is trying to help.

[Suzanne F]

I revealed this to my therapist about 4 months ago. She helped me after I told my wife. I do t know what I would have done without her support. Two weeks ago I went to a session dressed as Suzanne. It was so great to show her! My therapist really saw that she was a big part of me. I encourage you to be honest with your therapist.
Suzanne

[Kate's at home]

I'd be depressed too if I was suppressing something so important to me and living denying a big part of who I am.

No SSRI can help that...

Tell your therapist and get on with it. If they don't understand, find one who does.

Besy of luck.

Kate

[mikiSJ]

Tell your therapist and get on with it. If they don't understand, find one who does.

"Nuf said? Go do it!

[dreamer_2.0]

When you chose this therapist, did you research his/her background in gender issues. The last thing you want to happen is to have your therapist injure your psyche with an adverse reaction or worse.

I actually didn't consider gender issues while looking for a therapist. Perhaps I was denying the possibility that my other issues are related. Now that I'm with her though, she said I can trust her with anything and she would not be offended. I replied with "careful what you ask for" but didn't share.

I was thinking of sending her an email and inquiring about her experience there without going into too much detail.

[JenniferR771]

Be a little cautious, Dreamer. My wife convinced me to go to a counselor, who was an MSW. But he knew little--and wanted to treat me for sexual addiction. I looked up the large institution where he was one of many counselors and psychologists. Dozens of their counselors list many "specialties" with "sexual identity issues" among them, but when you read details of their backgrounds they seldom mention such experience. Beware of exaggerated claims.
Get a referral from someone who knows, or from a local support group. For instance I am looking at an ad for a mental health professional LMSW in a magazine put out by our local Network LBGT group. It lists "sexual identity issues" as the first in a of list of "I can help:" topics.
Go through the online information to glean any information you can about your therapist.

[dreamer_2.0]

Oh my, tons of posts! Thanks, girls! I intend to read everything but alas it's Monday and I shouldn't be in front of the computer screen this much. haha

:)

[Chari]

Great points to consider from all previous posts! Also consider how YOU feel after your session. Do you feel better, the same, or still confused and not seeing any positive results? A therapist can only guide you to a better result. YOU must make the choice and decide what is best for you. Please do not rush to find a simple end result. Go slow, as every question that comes to mind, and weigh all possibilities for the answer that you are comfortable with.

[mikiSJ]

Dreamer

Sending an email to your therapist is a safe way to ask the question. If you don't get back a suitable answer you can walk away in peace.


Also consider how YOU feel after your session. Do you feel better, the same, or still confused and not seeing any positive results? A therapist can only guide you to a better result. YOU must make the choice and decide what is best for you. Please do not rush to find a simple end result. Go slow, as every question that comes to mind, and weigh all possibilities for the answer that you are comfortable with.

I just returned from a weekly visit with my therapist. She is doing more than guiding me. She is allowing me to acknowledge secrets I have hidden from the world for 50 years. I can open to her because I trust her sensibilities and experience and we have gotten past the point of "so, what's bothering you" to where we can have an honest and open dialogue.

Today, I feel great after our 50 minutes!

[Brynna M]

The biggest predictor of successful therapy is the relationship between therapist and patient. If you don't trust your therapist enough to at least broach the subject you need to either mind a way to get over your block or find a therapist you do trust. With that said it took me 4 years to open up to my therapist (mostly there for depression) about crossdressing. I was freaked out and nauseous. He didn't some much as blink. If your impression is that your therapist is professional and someone to be trusted you only have something to gain by putting it out there.

[danielletorresani]

I've told a therapist before. You MUST tell them. In order for any therapist to be effective, you must be open with them. If you're not open with them and hiding things, what's the point?

[Sometimes Steffi]

The therapy office should be a judgement-free zone. If it's not, you hve the wrong therapist, no matter what the problem.

Remember, there was a time when no one (or at least no man) would asmit to depression.

I've seen several different therapists, and went to some sessions crossdressed with each one of them. I would have gone crossdressed all the time except for logistics issues.

[gender_blender]

Unless you go to a specialist, there's an unfortunately high likelihood that they'll assume you do it to be with a man. I stopped seeing a decent therapist after she said that. I'd only bring it up if it plays a role in your personal social development.

[BlairP]

Dreamer Grl,

I just came out to my therapist two months ago! Seriously. I can remember when it was on the tip of my tongue too. I finally told her and all hell broke loose. Seriously. I mean that in a good way. I feel more free than I have ever been. I still know what it is like to feel embarassed about this. But it is fading away and being replaced with pride.

Blaire

[*Amelia*]

Hi Dreamer, do what feels right for you. I have also struggled with my identity for quite some time. Strange that I found this post, I found a gender specialist in my area and my first appointment is on Thursday. Good luck! Just know that there are others here to support you and who are going through the same situation.

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi girls,

Thanks again for all your thoughts! It was great to hear so many stories. The general consensus appears to be support revealing my secret, but cautiously. I'm very happy to hear that many of you had positive experiences, however I'm very sorry to hear about the negative ones. For those girls, I admire your strength and courage to continue being you. Having encountered some negative backlash from my family (sister once called me disgusting), I can kind of relate.

I intentionally chose my current therapist based on her age as I wanted someone from my generation in an attempt to make it easier to relate. The downside to that decision, especially as I wasn't considering gender dysphoria at the time, would be a lack of experience on her part. She's still fairly new. That being said, I trust she would have the resources to help in some way. If anything, I love her shoes!

As previously mentioned, I'm going to send her an email inquiring about her experience without revealing many, if any, details at first.

Thanks again for your posts, they were all quite enlightening. :)

[Kate's at home]

A significant part of telling someone we trust of our concerns and goals (therapist, family member, friend, or all here, for example) is to safely externalize the closed loop of conversation we have with ourselves. Being really heard, acknowledged and validated safely is key to moving forward as a 'normalizing' occurs in the process, allowing for different considerations of options and goals in the process. I see this happening on this site, to varying degrees, frequently, and is partly the reason it is so useful. We get outside ourselves, and possibilities open up.

Safety obviously is also a significant factor.

I've watched for decades how others communicate in active listening, acknowledging and validating. My observations are that with most GG's (with each other) this comes easily and naturally. With men, usually less so. On this site, I frequently see this somewhat more frequently, and in a context of support. I find this interesting and heartening.

Again, best of luck,

Kate

[Marlana]

Dreamer, I too am see a therapist for depression. It took quite a few session for me to be comfortable bringing up my cd issue. The therapist was totally ok with discussing it. I guess I'm still not all thT comfortable with it as I'm not sure he really understands it or us. Think he's mainly a depression therapist. But it is important to bring the issue out in the open.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

A few years ago I started to see a therapist for anxiety and depression. I picked a woman therapist because I felt more comfortable talking to a woman. She's in her 40's. I'm 60. We worked at treating my original problems but it took awhile for me to reveal my TG issues, and even now it's hard to talk about. Somehow I feel embarassed and don't want to embarass her even though she's a professional. I feel the need to really open up because I also know the anxiety and depression are all related. So my opinion is that it's best for a therapist to understand the whole picture.

Cheryl

[dreamer_2.0]

Well, I emailed her and she replied withing an hour. She said that, while she isn't an expert, she is knowledgable and actually has a significant interest in the area. She offered to connect me with someone with more experience but I think I'll continue speaking with her for now. We've already established a level of trust and because she appears interested in the topic, perhaps we can help each other out.

Our next session isn't until next Wednesday but I kind of wish it was sooner now. Strange how reluctant I initially was to reveal it but now I'm anxious to begin discussing it!

[AmyGaleRT]

Good for you, Dreamer! It always feels so much better when you get the secret off your chest, no matter who it is you're telling. And your therapist now has an opportunity to indulge her interest and increase her skill! I call that a "win-win"! :)

- Amy

[Angela Campbell]

My first therapist stated on her website that she works with sexual issues and gender issues. I was quickly referred to someone who specifically does work with transitions. She saw right away that was what I was looking for.

[ShelbyDawn]

Dreamer,

I told my therapist day one about my dressing and she has helped me immensly in coming to terms with the facts that this is just the way I am wired, that I am hurting noone and that crossdressing is just anbother stop on the spectrum of normal.
(If you think about a bell curve, the 99th and the first percentile are just as normal as the median. They may not be as common but they are just as normal.)

Betond Dr. patient confidentiality, a therapists job is to present a totally unbiased mirror for you to measure yourself against.
If your dressing is an issue for you, and your embarrasment about it indicates that it is, I suggest that you tell your therapist and let them help you come to terms with it.

Hang in there...

Hugs.

Shelby

PS. I just read the rest of the thread. Way to go. My therapist is not a specialist in gender issues either but the trust level I have with her is more important than her specialty. Good luck. For me, it was a huge weight off to just have someone - a stranger - to talk to about this.

[sometimes_miss]

It is wise to let your therapist in on your secret, it may be a clue to whatever ails you.
^this. Hiding anything from your therapist will only delay progress.

[linda allen]

Hi girls,

As you may know, I've been away from this forum for a long time. During this time I barely dressed at all (kind of suppressed due to living conditions). Yet, despite being completely away from the lifestyle I still have the feeling inside that I'm not happy being male and ponder whether I'd ever be able to be happy in this body. Having read old posts of mine it seems this opinion hasn't changed much over the years and isn't going anywhere unless I do something about it.

I'm currently seeing a therapist each week for depression, confidence and the like. My fem side hasn't come out yet as I'm still incredibly embarrassed by it. I know there is support on here (thanks!) but revealing it in person, to a stranger, is another story. Having said that, it almost came out last session. It was on the tip of my tongue.

I'm curious if any of you have ever broached the subject with a therapist and how it went. Did you find it beneficial? Did it help you understand this side of you more? Any advice?

It would be the first time telling someone outside of a girlfriend. I'm quite certain I would never get SRS (couldn't bear to tell family, friends) so I debate whether it's worth bringing up during session.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts!

If you are seeing a therapist and don't tell him/her about everything in your life, you are wasting your time and money. Tell him/her at your next session.