JamiLee
05-06-2013, 07:26 PM
Well the last three days in my life may be the happiest in recent memory, and I felt the need to share with all of you. Trust me it is a feel good story about a girl starting out and seriously who doesn't like to hear about happiness?
First a little back story
Over the last year I had my fiancee leave me because of my trans nature. I came out to her after a few months, and even though she had some reservations she stayed. A year later she says she can not be with someone who is like me, and like many the weak hearted girl before me I swore I could change. HUGE mistake on my part. I managed to stop for the next few months, but my depression and distant nature totally wrecked the relationship. Eventually it got to be too much for her and she left; I was devastated but I also felt free again. Over the next few months I started making steps of progress, I came out to my entire immediate family; surprisingly my dad was one of the most accepting people.
"You will always be my son or daughter, or whatever you want to be. I love you, and will always love you." - Exact quote, still makes me teary eyed.
After those huge steps I started to regress. I was working for my father and even though I had his support I didn't want to be the cause of any turbulence in his business. I live in KY, so a transgender worker would have been a big issue for this little company; he had been so incredible and I didn't want to hurt him. So, I resigned myself to finish my graduate school applications and would continue to live in my pink closet until the day I got back into school. Unfortunately, being stuck in this purgatory phase let me slip back into my boyish routine. Real plans for therapy, hormones, and real change, were once mere dreams.
Enough Back Story... Finally too the point
On Saturday, following another sleepless night and panic attack, I resolved myself to start making steps toward my ideal future. Small steps but steps that needed to be taken. The first step may seem silly, but psychologically speaking it was big for me. I shaved my beard off. I imagine that few other girls like me actually enjoyed their beard, but for me it was the perfect disguise. There was no hiding my weak chin and less than masculine cheek bones, well there was no hiding it after I lopped off my bushy mask. While it undoubtedly makes me a less attractive boy, it does wonders for me as a girl. Since I am just starting on my journey my fuzzy face was a way for me to feel attractive to the world, since I'm not a girl in most peoples eyes, but inside my heart I knew it had to go. Once I had finally removed the hairy distraction, I finally got a good luck at me in the mirror. Words can not express the joy I felt when I saw the semi androgynous face staring back at me. Suddenly being Jamie wasn't an unattainable dream and while my face wasn't exactly female, curse my father for giving me a pronounced brow ridge, it was sufficent enough to put a smile on my face.
With my new found confidence, I finally managed to work up the courage to seek help. To everyone else out there like me, I can not stress enough how important it is to finally reach out to a therapist and get the help you need/deserve. This was on Sunday, and while it lacked the panache of Saturday it was still a necessary step.
This brings me to today. I woke from my first good nights sleep in several weeks and proceeded to get ready for my work day. Nothing special, still in boy mode externally (internally was a different story). Around lunch time I get an email from the Graduate school that I had applied to a few months ago. I had been accepted to start my Master's in Computer Science at the University of Kentucky. I couldn't contain my excitement. After assuring the people in the office that I would not yell out in joy again, seriously though who could blame me, I got back to work. Inside my head I finally saw the finish line to my life as a boy and the starting line of my life as Jami. It was so close I could almost taste the strawberry lip gloss on my perfectly seductive lips. When the end of the day rolled around I drove at an excessive speed all the way home, the Millennium Falcon couldn't have completed my journey back to my apartment faster. A shower, shave (seriously electrolysis is next step), and make-up session was definitely in order after such a great day. Except it got better. My therapist, I'm calling her mine even though we haven't met yet (Don't tell her I'm so desperate) had emailed me while I was taking care of my womanly duties and was ready to schedule an appointment.
Moral of the Story, for those of you who want one...
I have spent the last year of my life bouncing around in a tiny cell. I didn't know how or when I was every going to break out and even though there were setbacks, there will be more in the future I'm sure, I never stopped dreaming. Dreaming is important, it gives you a direction and something to work toward. It can also be what holds you back, they can become the cell in which you are content to exist in. It takes courage and strength to venture out of your dreams. You have to be willing to work hard for what you want, but anything is possible. I have just had the best three days of my life so far... operative term in that last sentence... "so far", more are yet to come.
So here I am, only three days (or a year depending on how you look at it) and I feel like a new woman. Worked up the courage to post in the forum and use my actual picture, something I wouldn't have done last Friday, and sharing just a little about myself and my journey.
Thank you for reading, if you stuck with it this far, and I hope this stirs you into some sort action, no matter how small, toward attaining your dreams.
First a little back story
Over the last year I had my fiancee leave me because of my trans nature. I came out to her after a few months, and even though she had some reservations she stayed. A year later she says she can not be with someone who is like me, and like many the weak hearted girl before me I swore I could change. HUGE mistake on my part. I managed to stop for the next few months, but my depression and distant nature totally wrecked the relationship. Eventually it got to be too much for her and she left; I was devastated but I also felt free again. Over the next few months I started making steps of progress, I came out to my entire immediate family; surprisingly my dad was one of the most accepting people.
"You will always be my son or daughter, or whatever you want to be. I love you, and will always love you." - Exact quote, still makes me teary eyed.
After those huge steps I started to regress. I was working for my father and even though I had his support I didn't want to be the cause of any turbulence in his business. I live in KY, so a transgender worker would have been a big issue for this little company; he had been so incredible and I didn't want to hurt him. So, I resigned myself to finish my graduate school applications and would continue to live in my pink closet until the day I got back into school. Unfortunately, being stuck in this purgatory phase let me slip back into my boyish routine. Real plans for therapy, hormones, and real change, were once mere dreams.
Enough Back Story... Finally too the point
On Saturday, following another sleepless night and panic attack, I resolved myself to start making steps toward my ideal future. Small steps but steps that needed to be taken. The first step may seem silly, but psychologically speaking it was big for me. I shaved my beard off. I imagine that few other girls like me actually enjoyed their beard, but for me it was the perfect disguise. There was no hiding my weak chin and less than masculine cheek bones, well there was no hiding it after I lopped off my bushy mask. While it undoubtedly makes me a less attractive boy, it does wonders for me as a girl. Since I am just starting on my journey my fuzzy face was a way for me to feel attractive to the world, since I'm not a girl in most peoples eyes, but inside my heart I knew it had to go. Once I had finally removed the hairy distraction, I finally got a good luck at me in the mirror. Words can not express the joy I felt when I saw the semi androgynous face staring back at me. Suddenly being Jamie wasn't an unattainable dream and while my face wasn't exactly female, curse my father for giving me a pronounced brow ridge, it was sufficent enough to put a smile on my face.
With my new found confidence, I finally managed to work up the courage to seek help. To everyone else out there like me, I can not stress enough how important it is to finally reach out to a therapist and get the help you need/deserve. This was on Sunday, and while it lacked the panache of Saturday it was still a necessary step.
This brings me to today. I woke from my first good nights sleep in several weeks and proceeded to get ready for my work day. Nothing special, still in boy mode externally (internally was a different story). Around lunch time I get an email from the Graduate school that I had applied to a few months ago. I had been accepted to start my Master's in Computer Science at the University of Kentucky. I couldn't contain my excitement. After assuring the people in the office that I would not yell out in joy again, seriously though who could blame me, I got back to work. Inside my head I finally saw the finish line to my life as a boy and the starting line of my life as Jami. It was so close I could almost taste the strawberry lip gloss on my perfectly seductive lips. When the end of the day rolled around I drove at an excessive speed all the way home, the Millennium Falcon couldn't have completed my journey back to my apartment faster. A shower, shave (seriously electrolysis is next step), and make-up session was definitely in order after such a great day. Except it got better. My therapist, I'm calling her mine even though we haven't met yet (Don't tell her I'm so desperate) had emailed me while I was taking care of my womanly duties and was ready to schedule an appointment.
Moral of the Story, for those of you who want one...
I have spent the last year of my life bouncing around in a tiny cell. I didn't know how or when I was every going to break out and even though there were setbacks, there will be more in the future I'm sure, I never stopped dreaming. Dreaming is important, it gives you a direction and something to work toward. It can also be what holds you back, they can become the cell in which you are content to exist in. It takes courage and strength to venture out of your dreams. You have to be willing to work hard for what you want, but anything is possible. I have just had the best three days of my life so far... operative term in that last sentence... "so far", more are yet to come.
So here I am, only three days (or a year depending on how you look at it) and I feel like a new woman. Worked up the courage to post in the forum and use my actual picture, something I wouldn't have done last Friday, and sharing just a little about myself and my journey.
Thank you for reading, if you stuck with it this far, and I hope this stirs you into some sort action, no matter how small, toward attaining your dreams.