Pursuing Stealth

[TeresaL]

Stealth, or not? Anther thread started talking about prospects of being stealth, and I just happened to have a similar conversation yesterday, with my spouse.

My wife recently came back from having her hair done, and told me that the hairdressers were discussing a transexual customer. The TS had been a customer for a long time, and transitioned before anyone of them knew her. They all thought she was just another woman until she told them.

My wife was pretty concerned about why society makes such a big deal about transgender issues, and that TS should be able to live their lives unchallenged, without question. I'm so proud of her.

I'm not sure though, why she outed herself if she was perfect in passing. I expressed my opinion that I personally, would want to remain known as a woman. I really value the stealth position, and at least pretend that it works for me.

While civil rights of TG's may need to be done, I'm not cut out for getting on a soapbox about my mismatched gender. That's why I go to another town to do my grocery shopping and run errands. My wife seems to be pleased with me by not going into my home town, where I would get recognized. Again, wow, I'm blest with a woman that has really changed, and pardon me for bragging.

[Barbara Ella]

Teresa, both you and your wife have changed so much from the time you first joined here barely a year ago. Her attitude is so refreshing now, and you have truly found yourself. You both seem so much happier now.

Nothing wrong with stealth, and not everyone can step up front and be the voice and face for what is needed. That does not mean that those of us who can't, and I am one, aren't helping.

Stay the course.

Barbara

[arbon]

Its not really practical for me where I am.

If I ever could be stealth where no one knew I was transsexual, I don't know if I would take it or not. I don't need to be on soapbox, but there is something in not being afraid of people knowing who you are.

[Amy A]

Because I'm staying in the same city, with the same job and same friends, stealth wouldn't be an option for me after transition because all those around me would already know who I was. It doesn't really bother me. Once I've transitioned, I won't feel the need to tell everyone that I'm trans, but I wouldn't hide it either. People who weren't cool with it would be swiftly ignored.

I do live in a very lgbt tolerant city though, which certainly makes things easier.

[TeresaL]

I meant "pursuing" stealth, not perusing. LOL

None of us can be stealth in our own community, and it would be dishonest to enter a (was friend) relationship as in marriage without letting them in. No more secrets. Neither can a public figure like Amanda Simpson go stealth.

https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&hl=en&ei=qheJUaDRMuq5ygHnzYCIBw&q=amanda+simpson+obama%27s+transexual&oq=amanda+simpson+obama%27s+transexual&gs_l=mobile-gws-serp.3...16161.19313.0.20766.7.7.0.0.0.0.510.2180. 0j2j1j2j1j1.7.0...0.0...1c.1.12.mobile-gws-serp.Q1GOeWomLik#itp=open0

But there are sometimes when I just want to interact and not be known as a tranny. Those are the times when I go out of town and just want to be a woman.

Although, RLE becomes common place or routine, and after a while, you may even forget you are dressed in clothing which is not your birth gender style. You of course are in preferred gender role, and the thought of that just feels so good. (And rightfully, delightfully correct from our mind's eye view of things).

OTOH, who has spent the day out running errands, while watching for reactions of others -- maybe checking rear view reflections in windows and mirrors, or listening extra hard for a change in conversations as you walk by? Well, nothing happens, and you wonder if they are just hardened to seeing transgender folk. Have you then, engaged in a conversation and outed yourself, just to see what they think as you walk by?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I can understand why you'd want to be viewed as "just a woman"...most of us dont wear a tranny badge, but not everyone has a choice..

i dont' think you are talking about what is commonly called stealth...

i've been forced to out myself in a couple situations related to insurance and my mortgage..its no big deal..

[Rianna Humble]

I meant "pursuing" stealth, not perusing. LOL

Fixed for you.

I cannot speak for why the woman at your wife's hairdressers disclosed her status, but not all of us even have the option.

Google my name and you will see that yet another story about me has just gone viral without me having any say in the original publication nor in the assumptions made in the 2nd version of the story.

[STACY B]

I can understand why you'd want to be viewed as "just a woman"...most of us dont wear a tranny badge, but not everyone has a choice..

i dont' think you are talking about what is commonly called stealth...

i've been forced to out myself in a couple situations related to insurance and my mortgage..its no big deal..

Dammmmm ,,,,, There you go again ,,lol,,,, Tell um Lady ,,, Hell if ya waited FOREVER to get there WHY NOT tell um all about the Trip an Be Happy for once ?? Hell I know I will ,,, With my Big Mouth I will be Blabbing all the way there !!

[kellycan27]

Dishonest to enter a friendship without letting them know? How so? What does being transsexual have to do with it? Is living as the woman that you were born as ..... Dishonest? Do you look at being transsexual as fake or pretending?
IMHO a transsexual who can't get past being a transsexual will remain a transsexual. A transsexual woman yes, but none the less transsexual. Tell them about the trip? Why? Is being an out and proud transsexual some kind of personal statement as to your bravery or something? For me transsexual was a descriptive label that was bestowed on me that I carried while becoming congruent with my true nature... Nothing more. I wasn't born as a man and converted.. I was always a woman. I don't need to make excuses or explanations for who I am.



"Nothing wrong with stealth, and not everyone can step up front and be the voice and face for what is needed. That does not mean that those of us who can't, and I am one, aren't helping."

Where is the stealth for someone who steps up to be the voice and face of what is needed?
For me ... Stealth meant walking away from all of that. How am I helping the so called transsexual community if by being stealth nobody knows? Hell! To preserve my stealth I may even throw a rock at you :heehee: ( just kidding). Maybe.

[TeresaL]

Let me reiterate. My wife's point:
Transsexuality should not have social consequences, discrimination, or stigma attached. (The hair dressers were laughing at her).

My additional point:
Our hair dressers do not have to know what our birth sex is. (She passed, and the hairdressers didn't have an inkling of a clue, and they did her hair for over a year).

IMO, I will not divulge either birth-sex or gender background except if under certain circumstances. Our preference is to be female, which is not %100 attainable. Why? Currently, many of our documents, finances, health care, and a multitude of other issues have some degree of association with our male name. Lot's of things to eradicate for pure stealth mode. Then, we have family, friends of family, friends of our family's friends, our friends, and friends of our friends who know or will know that we am transgender. We may even have appeared to them in male attire at one time, and they will remember in the very distant future. We may have attended school wearing boy's clothes. Our school mates recognize us 50 years later. So do our co-workers. They recognize our eyes and gestures, irregardless of how skilled the plastic surgeons initiated our FFS. You can run, but you...

So you think we can enter an honest relationship and sign the papers to get married, without someone telling our new husbands from the truths above?

You think we can waltz into a new place of employment and not let them know our background, when we fill out information about that background in order to beat out the competition for the six figure income we are used to making? They will root us out and catch us in our lies. Even if we moved to Timbuktu.

If we could, maybe we would, but I lack the positive degree of stealth to pull that off. Flying under the radar is possible, but never being vulnerable or susceptible to being caught and found out is probably not.

Furthermore, transexuals have never been fake, pretentious, or imitation females. Shame on any of us for even thinking that or accusing us of harboring that level negative thinking.

[mikiSJ]

...why she outed herself if she was perfect in passing.

Maybe she was happy in knowing that she is "perfect in passing" and took and opportunity to simply gloat about her good fortune. Good for her!

[TeresaL]

Or maybe she wasn't sure if she was perfect in passing, and let the hairstylist in on her secret. They in turn, gave her positive feed back that she was indeed a convincing woman. At the time of my OP, I hadn't reflected on the few times that I did the same thing for a reality check.

Once, I was in Sally's looking for wig products, and the elderly SA who assisted me asked if I wore a wig because of cancer. We were close and face-to-face, when I asked her if she couldn't tell. She looked a little puzzled, and asked me what I mean by "can't you tell?" She asked me to explain, so I told her I was transgender. She then reached out touched and stroked my face, while insisting that she had no idea, then asked where my beard was. The scenario was too funny.

I also had a similar experience in a thrift shop. I caught a puzzled glimpse and funny expression from the sales lady. As we were talking, I felt like she knew. So I just point blank asked if I look like a guy. She shot back, "no you look like a woman, who told you that you look like a man." I think she would have punched the person who might have called me a man.

So yes, I can understand why she, the TS customer, might have exposed her gender type. It provided her with feedback to build her confidence. Do we need help with our confidence? Of course.

[Kittie]

I think this is personal choice. Though if we all took that route there would be no 'out-and-proud' people fighting for our equality and what not - someone has to do it. It also depends on what you regard as stealth. Family may know and existing friends may know, if they don't disclose (and they shouldn't), then any future friendships or relationship are stealth if you choose them to be, yes?

[JamiLee]

Personally, I just want to be seen as a woman. That doesn't mean I want stand up and lend my voice to the conversation or hide away while others suffer, but for me being a transexual is not the finish line. It's the race I'm running right now and the finish line is womanhood.

[kellycan27]

If you were to change " friendship" to " relationship " I will agree that disclosure is best, but i still won't take the moral high ground and judge people as "dishonest"" if they choose not to disclose.

"Furthermore, transexuals have never been fake, pretentious, or imitation females. Shame on any of us for even thinking that or accusing us of harboring that level negative thinking."

Saying that a transsexual who does not disclose is dishonest is like saying that she's not really a woman so she needs to be " honest" about it.

[Kathryn Martin]

Saying that a transsexual who does not disclose is dishonest is like saying that she's not really a woman so she needs to be " honest" about it.

this, and what the hell is there to disclose? Honey, I love you but I used to have a dick. When my partner communicates back to me that I am a woman, I interrupt and say: honey you're mistaken, I'm a man with cosmetic surgery you know where. This is totally insane.

[TeresaL]

If you were to change " friendship" to " relationship "

It's changed.
I really was thinking sexual relationships or marriage and I either inadvertently typed friendships or cut and pasted it in the wrong place. No wonder you responded like you did.

Friends in general don't have a need to know. I have too many friends who know me as "tranny," and too few who know me as female. Enough is enough, and I want that ratio reversed. I want to make some new friends who are convinced I'm female, but no sex. Just friends. In fact, I almost need that, and that is one reason I go out in public.

I almost joined the fifty and older senior center just to play cards, go on small trips, and fellowship. I did get the tour, and picked up pamphlets. My wife stopped me though. Heheh, my bad. I'll try again - maybe. But I will not tell the seniors about my penis. I'm not attractive enough that the old guys would care to find out anyway, so I'm safe. (I'm fantasizing because in reality, I'm a lesbian).

[Nicole Brown]

Well, I for one only admit who I am when I have to and only to those who have a need to know. In normal everyday activities I see no reason at all not to just blend in and pass as just another woman. Of course my doctors all know who I am as well as my therapist, my endocrinologist and my hair dresser. My pharmacist knows, as does my attorney and the realtor who sold me my new condo.

Now that I am in transition and on hormones I consider myself a pre-op transsexual, however once I have completed my GRS I will not call myself post-op TS, I will simply refer to myself as a woman.