FIRST TIME posting: Need Help and Confused and Scared

[Fifi]

As you all can see I'm a new member and I realize that I really need some help / clarity so anyone with some experience please chime in.

My very first time crossdressing like most of you was in my mother's closet. I snuck on some pantyhose and panties and literally felt so peaceful and in a sort of happy daze for about 8 hours. Like all of us, I then stopped by repressing all urges through masculinity for about 10 years.

Well, what's really scary is the crossdressing has come back with a vengeance almost to where it's uncontrollable really. The thing that is scary and confusing to me is the amount of pleasure I can feel internally as if I'm almost affirming the girl inside of me is so intense that I'd like that girl to be out all the time. I'm confused because maybe I'm transgender? I'm a strong person and can repress almost any emotion and maybe I locked up the girl inside away for years.

Nowadays, all I can do is spend hours online shopping for new and girly clothes and I often fantasize about being in a happy safe world where I could just openly express my femininity. Then sometimes it's all about just the sexual pleasure of it. Then it's just about the relaxing feeling. So here's the scary part and the confusion:

Sometimes I feel it's just the man inside of me enjoying the high of being tricked into thinking I'm with a girl. (I love girls)

But sometimes I feel it's the girl inside of me that is having her identity affirmed.

Then sometimes while dressed, I feel the emotions of the man being turned on by seeing the image of the girl. Then at the same time I feel the emotions of being the girl and enjoying the affections and attention of the man towards this girl. Then I get turned on both ways in a man sort of way and a girl sort of way. The girl inside enjoys turning on the man inside. The man inside enjoys looking at the girl inside. And then I just want to have them mix with each other.

Do you guys / gals experience this too?
Doesn't it scare you that in this state, you almost don't need to have any relationships with anyone because you are completely happy by yourself? I feel that way.
Could this mean that I had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and I split into two people, the boy and the girl? If that is the case, am I transgender? Or not?
How many of you feel like there is a little girl on the inside that comes out while dressing?
How many people are attracted to yourself in this state of "Autogynophelia".

I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions and going all over the place. I guess I'm not really looking for too many answers to these questions, but I'm more so looking for a general response from anyone? Are my hormones / endocrine system just so messed up that I'm confused? I'm a boy, I'm a girl. My boy likes my girl. My girl likes being liked by my boy! Arggggh! Help! I am pretty scared actually.

[Annette Todd]

First, I am not happy being alone in fact it is the single most prominent factor of my depressed moods.
Second, my feminine persona is the manifestation of my personality. My perception of the world has been shaped by the women who raised me and I would choose to associate with a group of women rather than men. I don't view myself in opposites. I am who I chose to be like it or not. Others who want me as a friend will have to accept me as I am or they can go away. I don't have the time or inclination to win their approval.

[Chardonnay Merlot]

Fifi, the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. :)

At the beginning, after I got honest and real about these feelings I had inside, I had the same tussle going on. I like girls and I like dressing like one sometimes and having those feelings and emotions, and sometimes yes you will look in a mirror and your maleness will raise an eyebrow and you'll think "Wow, she's hot!"

No need to be scared or confused, rather than being fearful become knowledgable. Seek information out as to what's going on inside you. This forum is a good place to start and online there are a ton of articles and guides that can help give you an understanding into what all this means.

One of the first things I did after I decided to stop running from what I was feeling and start learning it was find a support group. I've been in one for a year now and its really been helpful as far as finding others and getting ideas and insight. Much the fear comes from idea that "I'm having these feelings and I'm probably the only one". You are not alone Fifi. That is one of the first things I saw right out, there's a lot more "girls" like us than you think, and there's a lot more supportive people out there than you think.

Oh by the way...Fifi is a cool name :)

[Rachelakld]

Hi Fifi, while I used to surpress the split personality, over the years I've allowed the woman within to develop. I now like both the man body and the girl within. While compatible as a related pair, both love my SO. My girl side, while she can be flirty, sexy, ****ty, she has no interest in dating men, but loves to hang out with the girls.
Your journey may be different

[Beverley Sims]

You sound like the rest of us when we started out.
Mixed up not knowing what is happening and probably feeling friendless and alone.
Most of us have felt like you do and it is quite normal.

[Jolene Robertson]

Hi Fifi;

Welcome to our world, most of us have had feelings like this, as you read some of the threads you will discover some of the conversations. Just take a deep breath and enjoy being you, learn to accept who you are and avoid the pink fog. There is a lot of good advice on this site as other share their experiences, take time to find their stories and read them. After ten posts you can PM (private message) people.

Hugs
Jolene

[TeresaCD]

Hiya Fifi, great place to ask questions here - don't forget to breathe.
I am a masculine man (builder, biker) who loves to dress femme, and who loves his wife too.
I like how you describe the mixed emotions when dressed femme - I can relate to that.
I would describe myself as having a part of me that is feminine, which needs to be expressed. I love being able to look in the mirror, and not recognise the girl :battingeyelashes:
Recently I have started to accept, and not fight this, and feel a better man for it.
But then, that's my story - I am sure being here will help you work out yours. :)

[Jackie7]

I've shared all the feelings you report. It is all very confusing, and I don't think you can sort it out too easily. Above all don't rush to decide you are this or you are that. Instead, get information and try on different points of view same as you try on clothes. Some years ago, when I first began to accept myself, I got steamrollered into believing I was trans and destined for surgery. But the more I wore that idea the less it seemed to fit and the more uneasy I became. I am so glad I decided to take my time and allow my true feelings to emerge and clarify!

[Emily83]

Hi Sweetie. Welcome! I'm a GG wife. My trans wife came out to me 11 weeks ago. Our relationship is sooooooo much better. She realised when she turned 30. Feel free to chat to me about anything. Xxx

[Jenniferathome]

...Well, what's really scary is the crossdressing has come back with a vengeance almost to where it's uncontrollable really. The thing that is scary and confusing to me is the amount of pleasure I can feel internally as if I'm almost affirming the girl inside of me is so intense that I'd like that girl to be out all the time. I'm confused because maybe I'm transgender?

Maybe you are just coming to grips with the admission that you are a cross dresser. And maybe, you have repressed so long, like a rubber band that has been stretched to it's limits, it breaks. Don't confuse the near term freeing of the log jam with a "repressed other self." That would come out in a lot of other ways. Don't over analyze this just yet. If you have a spouse, can you talk to her about it? If no spouse, get yourself some things and cross dress for real rather than in fantasy land and see what happens.

[Fifi]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and the insight. Very insightful I might add.

It looks like we've all found a place where we can support each other as part of the journey to understand.

I think I agree with the rubber band post @Jenniferathome. Been repressed for too long. Wonder if this was nature or nurture that put that original feeling to be repressed?

Thanks Emily83, I'm curious, how did you first respond as a GG? And how did it get much better?

I'm really glad you took your time. I've done some research and found some that almost went all the way through but stopped a couple of weeks into HRT because they had the same feelings. Glad you found what fit (no pun intended)


I've shared all the feelings you report. It is all very confusing, and I don't think you can sort it out too easily. Above all don't rush to decide you are this or you are that. Instead, get information and try on different points of view same as you try on clothes. Some years ago, when I first began to accept myself, I got steamrollered into believing I was trans and destined for surgery. But the more I wore that idea the less it seemed to fit and the more uneasy I became. I am so glad I decided to take my time and allow my true feelings to emerge and clarify!


I've allowed the woman within to develop. I now like both the man body and the girl within. While compatible as a related pair, both love my SO. My girl side, while she can be flirty, sexy, ****ty, she has no interest in dating men, but loves to hang out with the girls.
Your journey may be different

That is so cool that your girlie and man side love your SO. I need to figure out how to tell my GG GF and not have this girl inside without competition. Haha

Thanks Chardonnay. Really liked that quote


Fifi, the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. :)

No need to be scared or confused, rather than being fearful become knowledgable. Seek information out as to what's going on inside you.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Fifi,

You probably told most of our biographys. Stick around dear and don't be scared. Learn from what everyone posts.

Cheryl

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi Fifi,

Welcome to the forum! I don't think I have much to add as many of the girls on here have said a lot. I wanted to reply to your post to show added support. Ask anything, say anything, we're here, together.

[KellyJameson]

Here is a link FiFi that you may find informative. http://www.crossdreamers.com

It is a blog that delves deeply into the subject of crossdressing in a very humane fashion

[AllyCDTV]

Then sometimes while dressed, I feel the emotions of the man being turned on by seeing the image of the girl. Then at the same time I feel the emotions of being the girl and enjoying the affections and attention of the man towards this girl. Then I get turned on both ways in a man sort of way and a girl sort of way. The girl inside enjoys turning on the man inside. The man inside enjoys looking at the girl inside. And then I just want to have them mix with each other.

Do you guys / gals experience this too?
Doesn't it scare you that in this state, you almost don't need to have any relationships with anyone because you are completely happy by yourself? I feel that way.
Could this mean that I had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and I split into two people, the boy and the girl? If that is the case, am I transgender? Or not?

You've pretty well described what happens to me when I crossdress. It doesn't scare me at all. I prefer having sex with women but just consider what happens when I crossdress just variation. I have no idea what it all means. I've stopped trying to analyze it. It's just too much of a rush to think too much about it. I just sit back and dig the ride.

[Angela Campbell]

You are not alone. Many of us have gone through similar experiences in our lives. There are more of us than you will imagine, because we are very good at hiding. It is hard to accept but it can be done. Society conditions us to be a certain way and some of us just are different. It is not bad, it is not dirty and it can even be a lot of fun. I know it is scary and more so because it will never go away. It can be denied, it can be repressed, but it is always there. I started at 4 and 50 years later it is even stronger than it has ever been. You are not doing anything that hurts anyone and there is no reason for shame. Discretion yes but not shame. Seek out a local support group and meet others in person, it will help to accept it.

You are among friends and we understand.

[MissTee]

Lending my support, too. Welcome to the forum. No doubt the feelings are a lot to sort out, but I'm in Ally's camp. I don't deliberate it too much or even dwell on what it means. Am happily married, have a supportive spouse, and try to enjoy being all of me. Good luck!

[AmyGaleRT]

Hi, Fifi, and welcome! As you can see, many of us went through stages a lot like what you're going through. After having hidden this away for so long, I've been able to express Amy out in the open for about six months now, and I find I'm learning more about what kind of woman she is. And I'm finding an inner strength and boldness that's allowed me to be out in the real world, as Amy, and be accepted as who I present as.

My fiancee has been a real key to this self-acceptance. As my male self, I love her tremendously. As Amy, I love her too, just in a more cute, "girlfrend" sort of way. But I wear an engagement ring while en femme, to remind myself that I'm committed to her, no matter who I'm being.

There's no need to be scared; you're among friends here that can help you. So don't fret. You have a gift, dear; you can experience life in a way most born males can't imagine. I would just say, relax, enjoy it, and see where it takes you! :hugs:

- Amy

[Kandy Barr]

Relax, enjoy, & have fun. Its ok to express your fem side. You'll save yourself a lot stress and needless confusion just letting you be you, what ever that may be, and enjoying it.

[ShelbyDawn]

Fifi,

First and foremost, welcome!
I am guessing you are finding that your feelings and experience is shared by quite a few of us on this forum.
Take a deep breath and realize what you are feeling is very normal.
I equate it to jumping into a pool for the first time. A first the water feels freezing and we don't know how to react. As we get used to it and begin to adjust, it feels more and more normal until it becomes no big deal.

Just realize that when you jump into this pool, the swim suits are a lot cuter. :)

Again, welcome. I look forward to getting to know more about you.

Shelby

[Ashlyn Brooke]

Wow Fifi! I think, as others have already stated, you hit nearly 100% of my initial feelings. Glad to have you as a new member. Would love to have you as a new friend. The girls on this site have some amazing stories and experience. Best wishes and God bless!
MMMuah...Ashlyn

[Jaylyn]

"How many of you feel like there is a little girl on the inside that comes out while dressing?"
Hey Fifi I feel every feeling you are experiencing but the little girl in side me is a bigger girl that's turned into a woman and wants me to acknowledge her. She is always telling me that when I see other women that are true GG's and how I wish that I would have been born in that gender. I think nearly every one on here feels similar so hang on and enjoy the ride. It is an exhilarating experience that I know you will love just as we all do. Welcome to the site and if we can help just give any of us a shout or be friends with us all. We love you and we are all in the same line on this ride.... as far as standing in front of a mirror and making love to the girl in the mirror, I have and used liz's (my wife's) vibrator so don't feel alone.....I know I am a really mixed up gal.....lol
Jaylyn

[dawnmarrie1961]

Difficult questions with perhaps even more difficult answers. Although we may have had similar experiences in life we are all unique creatures unto ourselves. There are no blanket explanations as to why this type of behavior exists. Likewise there is no "one size fits all" solution.
I don't have all the answers. It would be arrogant of me to think that I did. I'm not even sure sometimes that I have all the right questions. There is two things that I know for certain. 1. A behavior does not manifest itself without reason. 2. All behaviors have a purpose. Your guess is as good as mine as to what the "purpose" is? I'm fairly certain it isn't to make all of us turn into chicks and start a sewing bee. That's just silly!

[sometimes_miss]

Hi Fifi, I have felt many of the same things you have, with one exception; I have never been attracted to boys or men. I attribute this to having been abused by many males in my life, to the point where I don't trust men at all, ever. It's one of the problems I have here, with trusting other guys on this board, but I probably will always have an intense distrust of men because of how they have treated me when I was growing up. So, sorry, guys, I really can't help how I feel. I know you all want to help. It's my problem I can't get past.

[Lynn Marie]

Welcome to the wonderful world of crossdressing Fifi. It also sounds as if you've achieved some independence so you can build up an enfemme wardrobe. Repression spawns obsession! Sounds like this is your time to enjoy the sport, or hobby, or obsession. It can be so much fun.

[NicoleScott]

Well, what's really scary is the crossdressing has come back with a vengeance almost to where it's uncontrollable really.

Nowadays, all I can do is spend hours online shopping for new and girly clothes and I often fantasize about being in a happy safe world where I could just openly express my femininity

Many of us understand this feeling, but try to take care of the other aspects of your life. They are important, too.

[Jamiegirl1]

this whole crossdressing thing is still very confusing to me,I have tried to stop,with the feelings coming back stronger than ever each time.I feel so much at peace and feel like a woman when I am dressed,and yes there is a little girl on the inside that comes out when dressed,maybe I was supposed to be born a girl..don't know,I just dress when I can and enjoy every minute of it..and sometimes I wish I could dress fulltime,but my life right now won't let that happen.....you are at the right place,we are all struggling with these feelings...Jamie

[Krista1985]

Hey Fifi,

Great questions and observations. I'll try to answer them all from my own experience, which seems pretty similar to yours. I too have a talent for repressing things, but when the CD bug bit, I overspent and overindulged my new interest with wild abandon. The urge is still as strong as ever, but I've gained control over the impulses to spend and overdo it.

Do you guys / gals experience this too? (Afraid of, aroused by, relaxed when dressing/Man enjoying a feminine high, and female asserting her identity)

Yes it was scary how after ignoring these impulses for so long, they just surfaced so fast and with such force. It was sort of like I was becoming a different person and couldn't stop, which was terrifying, until the realization hit me that I liked who I was becoming. Yet even now, my reasons for dressing up differ from one day to the next. Some days I do it to see something pretty in the mirror and validate my femme side. Other days I do it for kicks to titillate my male side. Some days it starts off as one and ends up as the other. Then there are even days when it's just a comfort thing. In a sense, we have created a dream woman in our imaginations, and brought her to life through our actions. She is ours to command, knows exactly what we want at any given moment. It's like a super power we have, but also for many (like me) it comes with the burden of having to maintain a secret identity. Tricky when you don't have Bruce Wayne's bankroll, or and Alfred to look after your Bat-cave.

Doesn't it scare you that in this state, you almost don't need to have any relationships with anyone because you are completely happy by yourself?

I can identify with this. While not one to shun relationships, I do tend to find myself single at many times in my life. Being a singleton has never much bothered me, especially since I began dressing. As I mentioned before, the 'girl within' knows what I want and when. Sometimes it's to just chill (with/as) her. Other times it's something racier. 'She' knows, because 'she' is me. Since I acknowledged my feelings about CDing, I've become choosier about who I get close to. I get out there in male mode and date women, but I do actually enjoy being single in a way I didn't used to before the 'great realization.' Being single isn't too scary when you have playstation 3 and a good pair of breastforms.

Could this mean that I had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and I split into two people, the boy and the girl? If that is the case, am I transgender? Or not?

As to the first question, I am not sure. As to the second, it depends upon what you mean by transgender. I dress up in private part time, but love doing it and don't want to stop. If anything I am tempted to take it further and explore new levels. I would say that qualifies me for the umbrella definition of transgender, which I believe includes CD's, TV's and TS's. I would say you would also qualify by that definition.

How many of you feel like there is a little girl on the inside that comes out while dressing?

I do feel girly when I look girly. It's an enjoyable feeling, but I'm not that different in mindset/spirit when wearing female clothes. My mannerisms do change to suit my appearance, but I honed those skills to enhance my enjoyment of girl-time.

How many people are attracted to yourself in this state of "Autogynophelia".

I know I am. In the right lighting when I do a good job with the transformation, I'm positively blown away by what I see. The concept of Autogynophilia is accepted by some while others see it as flawed. Personally I think it has merit, and I identify with several aspects of it. For me there has always been a fantasy element involved that I hope I always hold onto.

[BlairP]

Jeezus...that is a brilliant description of the way I feel too.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi, Fifi

After suppressing my desires for many years I embraced them and came out to my wife. So far, after 6 months, our marriage has survived. I love shopping for shoes, dresses, skirts, hose, etc. online and do fantasize about wearing my wardrobe items on a daily basis. But that's not reality. I love my wife and will be her man for the rest of my life if she will have me. I am a father to my children. But in my private times I get a thrill from shaving my legs, donning sheer pantyhose and a nice skirt or dress, and a great pair of heels. I hope to learn how to do makeup, buy a wig, and lose enough weight to make a more convincing illusion. Yes, it's all confusing, but I enjoy it and life is short, so I decided not to beat myself up about it.

I think you are blessed to be able to cross the gender line. Go with it.

Shibumi