Partner of CD seeks advice

[Atomhype]

I would like to say that reading these postings have been helpful so thanks to all who post. I'm hoping for some advice straight from the source.

My boyfriend and I had been together for almost a year. We had a great relationship and I loved him. He seemed to have a police fetish but it didn't bother me. He became a volunteer policeman which I supported. He kept it secret from his family and swore me to secrecy, which was strange. My gut told me that something was wrong, and I'll admit it may have been unethical but I snooped. I found out that he was a CD by discovering photos of him dressed as a policewoman, I also found hundreds of photos he appeared to take of policewomen on the street without their knowledge, in different countries, in addition to an email confirmation of his female email and female screenname. He's been using this account for years to buy dozens of female police uniforms, but most aren't his size so I don't know what he does with them. He also ordered custom uniforms for a group of CDs, so he must be a part of some club.

He doesn't know that I know any of this, but it explains a lot of the intimacy and emotional issues he had, and the fact that he'd never had a relationship and few friends and was often unhappy. I felt sad that he kept this hidden, but was afraid to tell him because he would know I snooped. We broke up soon after I found out, partly because he felt confused and incapable of love and said he was being unfair to me, but I know this secret had to have impacted our relationship because I never got the whole him, I was compartmentalized into his public life. We never fought or had major problems, everything seems to stem from this issue. I don't regret snooping, I would rather know the reasons behind his behavior. If he was going to leave me rather than confide in me better sooner than later.

This is where I need advice. He obviously didn't trust me, or anyone, with this secret. Which is too bad because I actually would have been okay with it. I know we can't be together if he can't come to terms with it himself. He has a powerful job and would never risk telling anyone. I feel sad for him because he's a good person.

I am wondering if there are grades of CD activties. The secret photo taking of the policewomen, going so far as to actually become a policeman, is this a sign of an obsessive behavior or is this typical? I don't mean to insult anyone, but I am curious because he's now seriously leading 2 lives, it's not just something he tries at home.

Also, while I don't think we will get back together, I want the best for him, he deserves happiness. I'm wondering if I should risk telling him that I know and offering to be a confident or a friend if he needs to talk about it with someone. In some ways I imagine it might be a relief for him to know that someone knows his secret and is willing to support him in it, but I'm also worried that he could feel tremendous anger that I not only snooped, but found out and he could feel violated by that. I don't want to make him more unhappy or depressed by revealing I know.

If anyone is willing to throw their opinion in I would appreciate it. I figure your ladies would be the best insight into how he might react or if he's a lost cause until he's comfortable enough with himself to have other people know.

[Stelli]

OK. Let's touch couple of things.

First I agree that he can get really upset if you come out to him that you have discovered his secret. In my world (and this is just opinion) passing personal boundaries of what's told and what's not is heavy violation of privacy. Now you already crossed this line by your investigation. But this is up to you why you needed to do it. This is so human that cannot be avoided.

Second, I am amused why he cannot come out to you as regards to this and what he is after once that you created some picture of the activities. It is very strange way of expressing CD but I must admit it has strong element of fantasy combined with significant symbolic role he would like to achieve.

Many questions arise here. Did you try to dress as policewoman??? What happens if you do?
As usual ability to talk and share saves many doubts and bad feelings. It is not always that we have side view on our activities. Are you absoultely sure that you two broke apart forever? What role did you play while you have been together? Are you also police by profession (I would bet that this is the way how you got together)? Why did you broke apart?

Apparently I know a policewoman personally and have good insignt how complicated his life may be and why there is his need for strict secrecy. Policing is subject that puts a lot of strain on the person especially if it is away from established norms. When I think about this I may also think that he found out that you know about it.

[dawnmcdaniels]

wow where to begin.... his fetish is police women and the way they look. I am not sure about the wrong size part but by not telling you please donbt think he doesnt trust you I would hope it was so it doesnt hurt you. If he told you and you like most women freaked then with his position ....look out . It is a shame that you never talked about it as it would have opened up a whole new world that can be a lot of fun for the both of you and would have undoubtedly made you even closer than you could ever imagine. If his collegues found out it would ruin him. I know for a fact as I am also in law enforcement. In our town though the women dress axactly like us. no difference. You missed your oppertunity at halloween to explore. I love my wife to death but there are things I keep from her as well like money and CD purchases. Try to get him alone and just let him know that you are hurt but still care for him (If you do) tell him how you have seen things and found a picture that explains everything and you dont care...Tell him you would like to try doing a dressing together and take charge. But dont and I mean dont offer to take pictures he might think it is a trap unless he brings it up. I wish you the best of luck and trust me ....You dont know how much fun and love you are missing. we are not all bad just wired a little different.:D

[Julia Cross]

WOW, What a story. For starters, you need to understand there are many, many degrees of crossdressing, and many are rooted in fetishes. Hopefully you know enough about fetishes to understand they are not all bad, most are harmless and fun to explore. Some can be damaging, especially if they begin to consume your life and not allow you to be true to yourself and your loved ones. It appears to me his is a fetish, and likely harmless, other than the shame he seems to feel has caused him to withdraw and not share himself with you. His loss and perhaps a sign that his fetish has taken a little control. All that aside, we, crossdressers, have many reasons why we dress and each has a preference for how we like to dress, usually based on an early childhood experience in those all too influential years of puberty. I don't believe the pictures are likely anything more than inspiration or admiration and may well have been collected from the web and taken covertly.

As for telling him that you know of his secret. Well, I agree that he may feel you have broken some trust in "spying on him" but he has not been all that honest with you as well. In a deeply personal relationship, I, myself believe that you and he have some liberties here and some responsibilities. Clearly you cared for him, and he should recognize that, should you disclose your knowledge to him. But, only you know if that is the case. If you feel he will understand, then he likely will appreciate your effort to communicate and he will feel dome relief in knowing he is accepted for who he is. Again, only you know this best and we, here on the forum cannot tell you what to do here.

I applaud you for searching out this forum and sharing your experience with us. You do indeed appear to be a wonderful woman and I wish you all the best.

Julia

[Julie York]

You've been given huge lumps of stuff to read so I'll keep it as simple as possible.:D

Crossdressers are often VERY fearful of discovery as being 'exposed' can ruin their lives. Therefore, they work on the principle that if NO-ONE knows then NO-ONE can tell anyone! It isn't actually so much a matter of trust, as personal survival. And it can be very stressful.

Crossdressing very often focuses on a particular style or period of clothing. This can become so focused that it is all about one type of clothing, whether it is panties, sweaters, nylon or leather. A uniform fetish is quite common, though generally most Cds have a wider choice of items that they enjoy.

The photos could have been taken by anyone. There are several websites on the net that have thousands of photos of policemen and women going about their normal duties. They exist because people have fetishes about uniforms.

If there is any way you can think of to indicate you are o.k. with trannies, or men wearing women's clothing etc without him knowing you KNOw then it gives him the option to open up to you. After that...it is up to him.

I wish you luck. You are a very caring person to have looked into this so intelligently.

:thumbsup:

[paulaN]

The wrong size uniforms could be for his mistress. And he might have a fem dom mistress. That would be a sure reason for his secret. He does not want to hurt you so he broke up with you. My two cents..........

[Julia Cross]

well that may be stretching it a bit, but anything is possible I guess. More than likely, he started buying uniforms for himself and like most of us didn't understan the sizing.

julia

[erica12b]

julia , has it right , you must under stand how most of us fear what will happen if we are outed, (just shoot we with a gun) so walk on egg shells , but i think you should tell him you know and its ok ( even get somthing to give him that would help him , the right size chart, a make up book ,fur hand cuffs,ect as a brake the ice gift, my two cents

[Atomhype]

Thank you all for your replies thus far. This is so helpful to me. I have felt a huge amount of pain in dealing with this and hearing your opinions is part of a healing process, and it will also help me decide how to handle this situation. I would never out him to anyone, I have no desire to ruin him and his family wouldn't be able to handle it. I can respect how intense this must be for him.

He did have me dress in a uniform once and "arrest" me and it was fun, he loved it and he knew I loved it. He sometimes brought handcuffs out which was fine too, but in the bedroom he would slip into a zone where I was constantly being punished by him for "stealing", with him being the police officer. He never tried to hurt me in any way, it was verbal more than anything but sometimes it was like he was in another place. But it is obviously a subject which arouses him.

I also never felt like he was that into the female body, he doesn't do foreplay and never favored any one part of me. This was a problem for me, of course.

And I am certain some of the photos he took were his own, I recognized specific places he visited and when he visited them. And for the uniform ordering he had a whole list of names and measurements for people he was ordering for, so I assume it was a club of some sort.

Again, thank you EVERYONE. You are all wonderful and I wish you all much happiness.

[Meag]

My first question is, are you writing to satisfy your curiosity or do you want to have a relationship with him? If the first is true, I would a say, don't confront him. If the second is true, there is a lot I can say that may help.
As for myself, who had a dark secret, and till it was discovered by wife. It was a secret a whole lot worst than crossdressing. From what I have found out and it makes sense to me is, if the secret is against what a men is suppose to be, then (as I did) he will try to be more macho to look more like a man. I too was in Law Enforcement for 17 years. After all, who would think of a cop being a crossdresser or worse?

He may have wanted to tell you but was afraid of hurting you with his secret, and as most men, myself included, figured you would never understand how he felt about it, and maybe he was afraid you would tell his secret to friends and family. I am not saying this is how he does feel, but it as something like this.

If you want to be with him and his fretish is something you can approve of then, if I were you, I would have a discussion, not a confrontation. You may find that the releif that his secret is out to someone he trusts, bring you closer than you thought possible.

Just my 2 cents, you know him better than any of us, so it is your choise.

Meag

[Julia Cross]

Sounds like you understand it well. I don't think him having a double life is healthy and I really don't think it was fair to you to not tell you about it. I assume you two were close and in a committed relationship, not just dating. If your relationship was casual, then I understand his secrecy more.

From what you describe, I would say his dressing is clearly related to a fetish.

Julia

[_Janelle_]

He did have me dress in a uniform once and "arrest" me and it was fun, he loved it and he knew I loved it. He sometimes brought handcuffs out which was fine too, but in the bedroom he would slip into a zone where I was constantly being punished by him for "stealing", with him being the police officer. He never tried to hurt me in any way, it was verbal more than anything but sometimes it was like he was in another place. But it is obviously a subject which arouses him.

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I do have my two cents and here they are. One is that the above statement kinda bothers me a little. Constantly being punished for stealing seems a little strange. I have no experience with S&M or domination type stuff, but if this is what happened the first time, I would wonder where it would eventually lead.
This may all be moot since you are not together. Personally I only see an upside to telling him if you were in a committed relationship with him. Since you are not, it may cause more problems than it solves. Just make sure you think it all the way through and try and figure out all the potential outcomes (easier said than done). If you tell him, and you are not in a relationship, he may view you as a loose cannon (even though you aren't) that may put his career, etc at risk if it ever came out.

Good luck in whatever you decide. As others have said, we cannot tell you what to do, you are in the best position to make whatever decision you decide upon.

Janelle

[Julia Cross]

I agree, I hope you really know how he will react. Please use caution. Since he kept this hidden, you never knbow whatelse he may keep hidden or har far he would go to keep it hidden, be careful.

julia

[Sedona]

If you are a bondage queen atomhype, you may have hit your payday, but I'm guessing not. I agree with Janelle, the S&M stuff seems a little sordid, and may lead down a darker path.

I wonder if there are any who can weigh in who are prof. phychologists? I'm not by the way, but in thinking outloud, I'd be worried that there is a sinister root to his cop fetishistic behavior. I'd bet that some sort of emotional trauma triggered the cop-specific actions. Something from childhood, perhaps involving some form of abuse? Some cops get off on the power aspect of the job, and this may be the case here, some form of "getting back."

As far as the myriad outfits. Maybe he's just bad with his sizing, or has a secret uniform-clad mannequin army hidden somewhere, but the club scenario seems the most likely to me. He's very private, so the club thing would be something out of town, possibly found through the web. Big red flag here.

Only you can make the decision, but given the info I have, I'd be as supportive as I could, not divulge your knowledge, and move on..

Best of luck and thank you for your story-Sedona

[Stelli]

I need to pull a bit of a break here. I have slipped one significant fact that you have mentioned in your original post. And now it is bothering me.

You said that you discovered that he's CD from photos. Does this mean that he was not cross dressing while he has been with you. Meaning that he has fetish of policewoman but not normally CD in leisure.

If so this may also mean that he may not be aware of the fact that he may be CD. Maybe he is only starting to discover about himself. Is this possible?

For a good part of my life as guy I have denied that I have such feelings, feelings of being lady. This site convinced me that I am OK at least not alone. Life in lie is extremely stressful.

[DonnaT]

It's nice to see you are OK with the whole, or most, of this CDing thing.

Yes, there are a large number of variations in what CDs like. Some like panties only, or pantyhose only. Some like to dress as baby girls, some as little girls, some as cheerleaders. some as nurses, some as maid. Some like being forced to dress and be cuckolded, some like to be forced to dress as sissies and then forced to commit bisexual acts.

It could go on and on. A number of the foregoing have a sexual connection that goes hand in hand with their CDing. Some won't dress unless they can have some kind of sexual relief, or be humiliated, etc. Yet some of us dress just becasue it feels right and there is no sexual connection to it.

So, it may take more than just being OK with his CDing, as one may need to be OK with his sexual proclivities as well.

Basically, what I've described in too many words is, that he may have a transvestic fetishism. If so, then there isn't much you can do to "help" him come to terms with his CDing, if you are not planning on getting back together. So, in my opinion, I see no need to bring it up that you know.

Now, if you want to bring up the subject about transvestites or crossdressers, you might lie and make up a story, such as meeting some CDs in a bar one night, and you thought they were pretty cool. Based on his response, you might ask if ever thought about it, because you'd be cool with it if he had. Something along those lines.