Little Boxes (that we all get put into) -- RANT

[Asche]

Little boxes on a hillside.
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky.
...
And we all get put in boxes
And we all come out the same.

I'm in a ranty mood.

First, I saw this article: Ask Amy: Mother frets about effeminate son (http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ask-amy-mother-frets-about-effeminate-son/2013/04/19/719511b2-a920-11e2-b029-8fb7e977ef71_story.html), in which the letter writer says she revealed to her new husband that he was "effeminate" (=doesn't like sports, etc.) right after they were married, because of course he never would have guessed otherwise and it's always a mitzva to tell someone there's something wrong with them, and she's now complaining that their 6 year old is "effeminate" like his dad, and how can she make him more manly.

Then there was a Huffington Post article referenced by one of my favorite blogs (raisingmyrainbow.com) in which the sister of Mark Zuckerberg (yes, _that_ Mark Zuckerberg: Mr. Facebook, the patron saint of TMI) warns parents that they shouldn't be blogging about their gender-variant sons' wearing pink sneakers and committing other offenses against the laws of gender apartheid because those evidences of their childish "mistakes" will stick around forever and embarrass them in later life and ruin their lives, not to mention inspiring bullies to beat them up (which they wouldn't do otherwise, of course.) Better to hide all evidence of non-conformity. Hide your self away.

Then there was today's "Dear Abby," in which a letter writer tells of their 4-year-old grandson who likes dresses and girl toys, and the first words out of Abby's mouth are that "sexual orientation is inborn." (So is hair color. Your point?)

It's all about little boxes. There are only a few little boxes, and we have to fit into (and stay in) our assigned boxes, or, so people warn us, the gobble-uns'll git us. Or maybe we'll just disappear in a puff of logic.

And they're here at CD.com, too. The "friends" and "allies" who so kindly want us to be our True Selves, which, so their superior knowledge tells them, is either the Orthodox crossdresser box or the Orthodox cis-dresser box. If you're not doing it their OTW ("One True Way"), you're doing it wrong, you should stop being silly, start acting normal. Unless you're abnormal enough (check the DSM-V to see if you have an Approved Abnormality(tm)), in which case you get an Approved locked ward^H^H^H^H^H^H^H diagnosis. If you're male and you like dresses or pink shoes, your choices are to Stop It or schedule that SRS right away -- or maybe you're gay, I forget which.

And the folks who warn us if we don't Dress the correct way, if we don't conform to either the One True Male presentation or the One True Female presentation, hordes of thugs (gobble-uns) will jump out of the bushes and beat us to death. They're only telling us these things (trying to scare us) for our own good, mind you.

Yes, there are gobble-uns out there. (But -- surprise! -- they'll "git" _anyone_.) But nowhere near as many as "they" say. The hardest thing to deal with if you don't fit in any of those little boxes, the thing that grinds you down because it's there 24/7, day after day, is the social consensus that you don't exist, that there _aren't_ any people that aren't in those little boxes. Every time you meet someone, they throw you in one of those boxes, or else they walk through you like you don't exist. You feel like a ghost, like Doc Daneeka in "Catch-22" after the plane he was supposedly in crashed.

[Beverley Sims]

Asche,

Have you finished yet?

Good!
Ah! well it made a good read and it is food for thought.
I go around the world and see all the little boxes everywhere, especially the United Kingdom.
Peter Sarstead has a lot to answer for.

The analysts will be along shortly with more meaningful answers.

[Marleena]

Asche, that's a great little rant there! I'll take the locked ward please, free food and lodging sounds good right about now.:D

[Diana Bain]

Nice RANT Asche. I've been coloring outside the box all my life (with both good and bad results)...even have my own crayola's. Unfortunately there always will be individuals who think their way is better and will attempt to exercise their will on others. This forum is no different...however there are many lambs here too.

[PaulaQ]

Dearest Asche,

I can appreciate where you are coming from. Our lot is a difficult one:
1. Medical science doesn't give a shit.
2. Society, in general, is completely ignorant about us. The *only* story they really sort of understand is the classic transexual story. (The sanitized, upper-middle class disney version of it, that doesn't involve street prostitution, drug abuse, suicide attempts, and other stuff that wouldn't get PG rated.)
3. Even amongst those of us who are gender variant, there is an unfortunate tendency to want to categorize each other into one pole of the gender binary, or the other. (And don't you dare mention sexual orientation in that discussion...)

There are many people who don't fit the gender binary at all. And that is OK. I liked your rant, and I think you are perfectly right to be mad as hell, and not gonna take it any more! :)

For the most part, society is to blame for all of the above.

Oh - I will say one thing in defense of the TS folks (probably including me) who want to snap to the other pole of the gender binary - one of the things I've heard the most in my TG support group is that so many TS folks want to feel normal, and be completely invisible as the opposite sex - they just want to live as if they were born the right way, and have no one notice them, or care. They want to fit in, and feel normal - this is an overwhelmingly powerfuly desire. They aren't wrong for feeling this way - it is hard as hell to feel "wrong" all your life. I think it can be hard for some of us to understand someone who just wants to express themselves and be themself - even if that doesn't conform to anybody's idea of gender. I personally have no problem with that, but I really do understand the desire to fit in - it is easy to be blinded by that.

As for the rest of society? Mostly they are just stupid and cruel. No free pass for them. Sorry society - you suck.

[Kate Simmons]

I haven't been in any "box" for years, in fact I like to box, especially Gobble-uns who try to tell me what to do. There ya go!:)

[CynthiaD]

Or you could just not pay attention to any of it and go shopping ...

[LilSissyStevie]

Welcome to my nightmare!

[Gillian Gigs]

I built my own box, complete with electricity, and plumbing. Maybe I am getting to old, but I just don't care anymore about what others think. Asche, maybe it is time for you to build your own box!

[andrea69j]

Love the rant! Almost a personal Declaration of Independence. We should all get out of an throw away the boxes, and just except each other for who we are as individuals. Until then, I'll enjoy my freedom to be me.

[Sandra1746]

This thread is from the FTM side and is perfectly (IMHO) suited to the concept of "little boxes". Very well done and I love it; enjoy.

"Am I a bigender or genderfluid?"

I'm not pasting the link properly but this is as good as it gets, sorry.
Sandra1746

[joanne_mi]

Only box that matters is the little one the crematorium sends back to your families. Or the much bigger box if you're not going to be cremated. No one else is going to take those rides for you when it's your turn, so we can ride whatever rides we damn well please till then.

[joanne_mi]

Dearest Asche,

I can appreciate where you are coming from. Our lot is a difficult one:
1. Medical science doesn't give a shit.
2. Society, in general, is completely ignorant about us. The *only* story they really sort of understand is the classic transexual story. (The sanitized, upper-middle class disney version of it, that doesn't involve street prostitution, drug abuse, suicide attempts, and other stuff that wouldn't get PG rated.)
3. Even amongst those of us who are gender variant, there is an unfortunate tendency to want to categorize each other into one pole of the gender binary, or the other. (And don't you dare mention sexual orientation in that discussion...)

There are many people who don't fit the gender binary at all. And that is OK. I liked your rant, and I think you are perfectly right to be mad as hell, and not gonna take it any more! :)

For the most part, society is to blame for all of the above.

Oh - I will say one thing in defense of the TS folks (probably including me) who want to snap to the other pole of the gender binary - one of the things I've heard the most in my TG support group is that so many TS folks want to feel normal, and be completely invisible as the opposite sex - they just want to live as if they were born the right way, and have no one notice them, or care. They want to fit in, and feel normal - this is an overwhelmingly powerfuly desire. They aren't wrong for feeling this way - it is hard as hell to feel "wrong" all your life. I think it can be hard for some of us to understand someone who just wants to express themselves and be themself - even if that doesn't conform to anybody's idea of gender. I personally have no problem with that, but I really do understand the desire to fit in - it is easy to be blinded by that.

As for the rest of society? Mostly they are just stupid and cruel. No free pass for them. Sorry society - you suck.

Well said. Thank you.

[Wildaboutheels]

Dressing "unnaturely" as a male and going out into th RW allows "us" an opportunity [for anyone who CHOOSES to leave their closet] to SHOW Society [the ones with the open minds] that boxing people according to their outward appearance, is at least unproductive if not dowright foolish.

But I also think that boxes matter the MOST to anyone who does NOT consider themselves normal and that most of Society really does not care.

I think FEAR of what others might say or think is the Real enemy here not "Society". It's demonstrated at this Forum almost daily by folks in both Qs and responses.

My guess is that Walt Kelly [who wrote the comic strip POGO] was a CD and when he wrote "We have met the enemy and they is us" he was referrring to people who fall under this CD "umbrella".

JMO of course. BUT, it IS based on how I have been treated by "Society" for the last ten plus years and not on simple conjecture, inuendo or speculation of what MIGHT happen out in the RW.

What are they saying or thinking once I leave their store or establishment???

I have no idea. Hopefully that the next time they see anyone "dressed differently" they won't jump to any conclusions.

And I do agree with you BTW about the members here who love to infer to others, things to the effect of "what are you trying to accomplish by dressing that way" or "you shouldn't be ABCing if you are not XYZing".

Is it possible that these folks REALLY believe that there is a right way or wrong way to do this CD thing? Or that they are helping the newbies who wander in daily and probably never post because they read such stuff and worry that they are CDing "wrong"?

[mikiSJ]

OUCH! I hate runnng into the corners, they are everywhere, aren't they!

[Jaylyn]

Only box that matters is the little one the crematorium sends back to your families. Or the much bigger box if you're not going to be cremated. No one else is going to take those rides for you when it's your turn, so we can ride whatever rides we damn well please till then.

This is the only box I will ever fit into.....just don't pay attention to any others.

[Leah Lynn]

Still wondering what gobble-uns are.

Anything like goblins?

[SuzanneBender]

Cool rant. I felt like I was reading the pages of a Kate Bornstein book. I think many of us jump out of our boxes every day and that the walls of the boxes expand over time.

[Angela Campbell]

Every now and again I peek out of my box and it scares the hell out of me. It used to be cozy in here, but the box is old and it is falling apart on me, and I cannot duct tape it together anymore. I want a new box. The girl box.

[EmilyPith]

Well, as long as society exists, there will be norms. We break them and risk a brow beating.

I say we convince Texas to succeed from the union and form a new nation. Then we can be the goblins.

"Look at that guy, he isn't wearing a dress... FREAK!"

[mikiSJ]

I say we convince Texas to succeed from the union and form a new nation.

I wonder if we can get Ted Cruz to offer up the legislation.

[noeleena]

Hi.

There is this thought there is not one person who has ever been born on this earth who is like any one else, we are all different so that being the case the so called box's that we are surposed to be put in they too must be different,

i dont conform to how people ... some ... who may like me to , to thier way of thinking it just does not happen what they see is what they get as different,

its about acceptance that every one is different , that may then stop a lot of the issues we have,

...noeleena...

[xdressed]

When there is a box marked bi-gender, Goth/Metalhead who also likes a bit of industrial, electro, D'n'B, Folk, Classical, Blues and Avant-garde, Atheist, Nintendo Gamer, Horror and Sci-fi lover, Space geek, comic fan, mixed media artist, comic book illustrator, aspiring musician, Whovian, Stand Up Comedy lover, LGBT rights supporter, obsessive beer drinker and 'British Young Adult' with a bit of room for all the things I've forgotten and that will be, maybe I'll get in that. For now I'm happy outside of any box people that people might otherwise want to put me in

[Asche]

Still wondering what gobble-uns are.
Did you try googling the phrase?

[Vickie_CDTV]

I really have to wonder about that "Ask Amy" column... her husband is effeminate because... "he doesn't like sports"? So all guys who don't like sports are effeminate? Just because they don't like sports, no other reason cited. Seriously??

[Asche]

I really have to wonder about that "Ask Amy" column... her husband is effeminate because... "he doesn't like sports"? So all guys who don't like sports are effeminate? Just because they don't like sports, no other reason cited. Seriously??
You'll notice that the letter writer is identified as "North Carolina mom"

I grew up in the next state north, and I got called "queer" (as in "gay") and picked on by both adults and children for no more reason than that. I also had it explained to me, in every way possible, that I was an utter failure as a boy, for pretty much the same reasons. For some inexplicable reason, I've never had much interest in moving back there. (Equally inexplicably, I've never seen any value in Masculinity(tm))

[Jessica Who]

I can definitely relate to your rant, I hate how society sees us and wants to place everyone in neat little boxes. Stay strong :)

[Jodi M]

Putting people into boxes or labeling them is a natural human habit. We who don,t like to be put into those boxes should make sure we don,t do the same thing to others ourselves.

[Tracii G]

Rant on sister!!

[ErinP]

I wish the only label we had to worry about was the one telling us how to care for that skirt I need cleaned. That's the only one I wish to care about.

[marlenesexton]

Everyone is outside the box. Most people just pretend they aren't. I agree that it's too bad we must be categorized but that's how were made. Some of us are fine with being "abnormal" and some people aren't. I suspect those who struggle with failing to fit in would struggle in any case. Some of us are strong of mind and some aren't.

And honestly, if crossdressing was considered normal would all this be as much fun?

[Amanda M]

Labels again! Even down to the right way or wrong way to cross dress! The box exists only if you accept that it does, and even then, it is in the mind of the creator.

[Sister Rachel]

Asche, that is a first rate rant, I agree with every single point that you make, and might I add that they are made most eloquently. ( hugs ) I'll rate it with top marks. That is all.

[Alison1842]

I think its just a human way trying to fit into society. I kinda came to the conclusion i just don't fit into any given standard. Right from my choice of house, pets and truck even my choice in SO. Generally the more im pushed to conform the worst it will get for the pusher too.

That said, the diffrent titles and there definitions bring up some interesting personal questions. My original goggling into what it is i am or could be raised more questions than answers. Equally trying to answer those questions has helped define my feelings as to who i am. Hence in a strange way whilst i can fit into no std box i have yet to encounter, i at least know what bit of me goes into some boxes :-) But its the combination that make me, me and its the still undecided bits that make life interesting.

As to sports, i hate trying to compete, but some things can be enjoyed just for the taking part. IMHO way to many schools and such push sports competitively way to hard. IMHO life's to be enjoyed more so than won or lost.

[Frédérique]

Better to hide all evidence of non-conformity. Hide your self away.

:clap:

You can be really creative “hiding” evidence of non-conformity – all you have to do is engage in officially sanctioned activity that cannot be understood by the public. It’s called THE ARTS...
:heehee: