Corinne's quandary

[whowhatwhen]

I feel absolutely awful.
I'm not strong enough, I read all your stories and admire how tough you are to continue and I just feel worse.

Yet, nothing about how I feel gender wise goes away either so I'm stuck.
It's a mix of hopelessness and fear.

I still often think about ending it all, but I can't for a few reasons but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.
ie: "I wonder if it counts if I stop taking my meds and let nature take it's course?"

I'd never follow through with it yet the thought is still there and it's a bit disturbing.
How the hell do you get over this crap?

[Rachelakld]

While it's nice that you feel you OWE your parents, and I wish my kids did, it's also important to acknowledge that you only have 1 life, and the reality is that kids do NOT OWE their parents. As a parent, it's my job to look after and love my kids, full stop!.
My kids are not an investment, not a chattel and whatever life they chose, is their choice and I will still love them.

Also my family is not bound by genetics, but extent to all those who enter my life.

I wish you well with your family, and hope you can also live the life you need to live as soon as possible

We will soon be losing our first TG politician to diabeties, very sad, she was a great politician and Mayor. She is loved by most of the country and made a big difference to New Zealand

[PaulaQ]

I think you need to explain to your mom HOW much pain you are in - level with her. Can you present her with some literature about gender identity, and ask her to read it? It sounds like she's stuck in the denial phase of this.

[whowhatwhen]

I tried once, but it's obvious that she never read any of it.
After getting my nails done she seemed a bit upset so I asked "is that going to be a problem?" and she said yes.

Nothing has been said negatively after that, except apparently my aunt wanted to know why I was hiding my nails?
Must've been subconsciously done, but I guess I fear upsetting and potentially losing more family.

I ****ed up a lot in life and lost a lot, my family is all I really have.
I'm afraid to go out and meet new people because I'm ashamed of my past as well as my present, plus I don't want to bring anyone down with me.

It appears to be an incredibly unhealthy combination.
o_o

[PaulaQ]

I tried once, but it's obvious that she never read any of it.
After getting my nails done she seemed a bit upset so I asked "is that going to be a problem?" and she said yes.


She may feel that what you are going through is just another example of:


I ****ed up a lot in life and lost a lot, my family is all I really have.

The thing is - your feelings about your gender are not you messing up - in fact it is quite probable that many mistakes you've made are BECAUSE of these feelings. This stuff is incredibly damaging if you don't deal with it. You've got to try to level with your mom, in my opinion. Look, it's possible she'll never get it. But I think you need to try - because living for everyone else may very well do exactly what you say - kill you.

Are there any counselors in your area that could help explain it to her? Sometimes someone "official" can say the same exact thing you've been saying, and a parent will believe them, when they didn't believe you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Day by day corinne...

I called them death thoughts... i was never suicidal..but the existential feeling of emptiness became more and more unbearable... SHAME was my big bugaboo...i fought shame by trying to be perfect...i excelled at my work and sometimes slept at work to isolate myself from others..in its own way that is F$(%ing up but it felt right at the time..

As a very analytical person, i had been analyzing the hell out of everything...i constantly worried and thought about the impossibility of all this...my therapist rode me hard...day by day...

one day something switched in my mind and the analysis hit a wall...and even tho i didnt really consciously know it, i knew somehow i was transitioning..

one moment i recall clearly was reading an anne vitale article that seemed like a treatise on my exact life...it was like she was in my head except she was describing a ts woman that lives a mans life...she was talking about this mans old age and how there is really nothing that can be done except mitigate the feelings of gender dypshoria as best you can.... and i thought if that was me i would regret that i ever lived....that ONE thought drove me and motivated...NFW that was going to be me...

and when i got that feeling in my head, all the roadblocks became solvable...

that type of moment may be in your future, and altho it may seem terribly scary now, all that means is you are not ready yet because frankly that thought ended up being incredibly liberating and empowering...like superwoman breaking out of kryptonite chains

[whowhatwhen]

You know me too well ;)
There is quite a bit of shame and fear that I need to overcome still.

I think the shame trigger last night brought about this latest kerfuffle and thread.
I guess I fear losing my family because as it is right now they're all I have.

[Ann Louise]

...How the hell do you get over this crap?

Corinne, I, too, have transition ups and downs. Fortunately, I aspire to, and have been relatively successful at applying the following three fundamental principles in my life:

(1) stop reliving the past, wishing "if only I would have done [this]," or "I wish I'd never done [that]." The past is over, and doesn't exist anymore. Learn from your successes and mistakes, and move on,

(2) stop making up story lines about the future. The future hasn't happened yet and it doesn't exist yet, either. Make reasonable, tentative plans based on (1) above, and

(3) live your life right here, right now, minute by minute.

Deceptively simple, difficult to do, and powerfully effective.

All the best dear, Ann

[Amy A]

Everything that Anne says above is spot on.

I don't know the full story with your mother/family, but ultimately you do have to live for yourself. That moment when you realise that you can do whatever you want is extremely liberating.

Your thoughts on suicide very much echo my own; when I was in a low mood I'd think about it constantly. It's important to realise though that at these moments your thought processes are being heavily compromised by your depression and I quickly learnt not to trust any conclusion I came to on the bad days.

One of the main things that I expect will be making you feel so bad is that you are feeling trapped. You've built this cage around yourself using elements from your past and the situation with your family, and as long as that cage is there you aren't going to ever be able to move on and find happiness. So forget about the past, just draw experience from it rather than negatives, and get out there and start meeting people. You don't have to talk about the past to anyone new, and if you find people going through similar things they'll help you realise that your present is nothing to be ashamed about either. You need that support network!

I realise you don't want to lose your family but do you not think they would rather have you in their lives as a happy, complete person than as a miserable man full of regret, or even not at all?

I hope all the responses here help you to see that there's hope. So you have gender dysphoria; the only way to fix it is to accept it and make the best of it.

All the best,

Amy :)

[kimdl93]

You've got a lot of guilt going on there. It's important to own up to ones mistakes, but don't be owned by them. Similarly, we all need our families, but we, as an earlier comment suggested, each have only one life.

If you are honest with yourself, and you truly need to make changes in your life that allow you to express you gender identity more openly, then you need to sit down with those dearest,to you, and let them know. Tell them first how important they are to you, and how you need their love and support. Then tell them what you need to do and ask for their continued love and support.

[whowhatwhen]

Thank you all, I feel much better now.
:)

I definitely need to get out more and meet people, though there is a bit of anxiety there in how to present myself.
Do I just say I'm queer as a $3 bill? Try to act like a normal man? Admit to being TG upfront?

My family is being treated on a need-to-know basis.
As far as I can tell my trip to trannyville goes all the way, but I don't want to go around telling everyone that only to find out that I can actually get off a few stops earlier.

I suppose I'm lucky, aside from a few "jeeze just come out already" snide comments from my brother over my nails no one seems to care.
At least I'm not being out-right rejected so perhaps I'm being a bit too guarded in my expression.

[KellyJameson]

No one is tough with GD. You are driven by the desperation to escape yourself. To finally have your mind go quiet and be given peace.

You hear about the sucides but there is the otherside of trying to escape through drugs, alcohol and all manner of self destructive behavior.

The street hormones that destroy organs and the sex workers who sell their bodies to survive when they have been kicked out of their homes for being transgendered trying to find the money to transition.

Anorexia nervosa, PTSD and all manner of mental illness that often travels along with GD as a consequence of the GD.

Marriages and careers destroyed. GD slowly drives you madd so you change to try to keep or recapture what is left of your sanity.

It is walking a path out of pain so when you read the words of others and they seem strong, tough and together it is because you are seeing them at their best, not at their previous worst.

You are tough because you have and are surviving but this is not so much out of courage as it is an avoidance of self destruction so you manage to keep yourself alive long enough to do something about it. You always live within the shadow of death by your own actions so live with the fear of what you may do to yourself.

In hindsight I think of it as being in the ocean with no land in sight and wondering how long I will keep swimming before I lose the strength and allow myself to sink under the water and drown.

You know that time in the future is coming where you will stop making the effort to stay alive unless you do something now so it is not only the pain of the now but the deep understanding that you are running out of time when the sweet release of dying is preferable to living.

You do not so much fear being hurt by others as you do hurting yourself because you realize how fragile your hold on life is from the way you are being demanded to live by the circumstances you have been born into.

You live with a severe handicap while appearing healthy that makes you dangerous to yourself.

GD and all that this means is an extremely intense experience that creates all manner of havoc in a persons life and perversely it requires that you create through risking destruction, whether relationships, health or financial security.

It is like the Phoenix bursting into flames, being consumed, turned into ash and than reborn anew. Change comes through pain to escape pain.

Do not allow your pain to destroy you but to motivate you.

To save your life you risk your life but you are always a pasenger in your own life being carried by the circumstances you were born into.

On the outside everything about transitioning appears to be irrational because you are taking on risks and incurring costs that from others point of view makes no sense.

There is a compulsive quality to needing to live and express your identity as you know yourself to be. It is the expression of your essence always waiting to be given life.

This always leaves you in opposition to others who try to keep you as they think you are so "should be" so you remain invisible, unknown and unborn to yourself and others.

No one can live like this without suffering so the suffering pushes you into a solution.

When it comes to GD cowardice and courage are the same thing.

You are not alone in your pain Corrinne but only on your first steps of a long path.

In my opinion it is worth surviving the experience but there were many times when I did not want to or care if I did.

[Rachelakld]

Hi again Corrinne.
The world has matured since the 50's.
We no longer care if your queer, normal man, TG or whatever lables others want to attached.
The lable is always a method of putting people down, so never ever wear a lable.

Be the person you want to be and never use an excuse to be that person, you don't need a lable or an excuse to be beautiful, and the rest of the world wants you to be you.

As to family, I'm guessing your at an age where you should be looking to set up your own family soon, just as my children are starting to set up their own families (even though it breaks my heart to see them go).
From you comment, sound like you have your brothers support, maybe he is correct and he also wants you to live your own life?