How to inform your SO

[Britney Johnson]

Hi all... I am totally lost at this. I want to come out to my SO, and inform her that I am preparing to transition from M2F. She already knows that this is a possibility, and I feel as though I am just leading her on of which I am not meaning to do. If she wants to stay with me, I would love it, but know all to well the reality of it. My biggest issue is that I do not have the guts to just come out and tell her out rite. I was thinking of just texting her this week while she is at work and I am at work so she doesn't go nutz. She is a wonderful person, but has already stated that she would not stay with me if I were to transition. I am unsure if that is the truth, but she feels as though she can save me from, in her mind, making an awful mistake. What are your thoughts if I may ask... All thoughts are welcome... And Thank you ahead of time for hopefully understanding...

[mary something]

I don't know anything about the situation beyond what you've posted but not so sure about the text idea...

[Barbara Ella]

I am struggling with much the same here. Only thing I know for sure, do not text her at work. She will go absolutely nuts because she cannot talk about it...NO NO NO.

When this started just over 18 months ago, she stated she could not live with me if I wanted to go 24/7 because that would mean i really wanted to be a woman.

She recently said she would never leave me. She said this, in my opinion, knowing that the possibility existed that I could announce to her that I was TS.

The time is now to let her know so she can begin to get her mind around where I am, and what I do and do not need/want to do.

They deserve this honesty, and they deserve to know you trust and love them enough to do it in person and own up to who you are and what you want to do, and what they can do with you.

My struggle also.

Barbara

[Rogina B]

Put on your "big girl panties" and sit down with her and tell her. If you are mature enough to handle the stresses of transition,you ought to warm up with that.

[Michelle.M]

First - texting = not cool.

Do the two of you live together? If so, I really don't see how you can avoid having a face to face conversation.

[mary something]

when you say she may go nuts, how nuts are you talking? Crying? Computer through the window? Kathy Bates in Misery?

[Rachelakld]

While I will never transition, I would think at the least you would have to make her your best curry dish, and afterwards have a proper face to face honest discussion.

[Michelle.M]

Ooh, curry! Yes! That would definitely soften the blow with me!

[DaniG]

Face to face is the only way to treat her with the respect she deserves. It is also the best way to impart that you are engaged enough in the relationship to stay the course.

[Melissa Rose]

I will join the chorus of saying no to breaking the news via a text message. I can understand how terrifying it is going to be delivering the message and the hurt and pain it may cause in addition to the personal losses you may have to suffer. However, she deserves to find out in person where and when she can ask questions and feel free to react as she pleases and in private.

I am going to be blunt and this may come across as harsh, and it is not intended that way, but if you do not have the courage to tell her in person and deal with the consequences, you are not close enough to having the courage necessary to endure the trials and challenges of transitioning. This is one of the many that will come your way. Unfortunately, transitioning often comes with a steep price and is sometimes the reason some do not transition because the cost is too high or painful.

I wish you the best on your journey forward.

[Britney Johnson]

Thank you very much for your comments, and considering the importance of such a decision, I don't believe any recommendation is too harsh. I asked for honest opinions and bigolly, you all answered with truth and honesty. Since my wife and I have already spoken about this back in February/March, she told me that I must make a decision. She had not given me a time frame, but I have known since the beginning of what my plans have been... I thought that I had conveyed those thoughts to her, but it seems as though she feels as though it was a cry for attention from her. She will get upset, not go NUTZ... She is a very civil person, but this is a lot of stress to put on someone. I am not sure why I am so afraid to talk with her, except to say that I do love her and hate to see her heart ripped out. At least that is how she feels each time we talk of me transitioning. She does get upset and cry, as expected. I have already talked with my family and they feel that as long as I am happy. Although, they did have to deal with me dressing when I was young. Thank you again, I won't talk via text. I am a stronger person than that, and I do owe her the respect to talk face to face.

[Lynnmorgan451]

You could just do what I did.....scream it out in the middle of a huge argument about whatever...it turns the middle of the argument into the almost end ;)

(Probably bad advice)
Good luck!

[SuzanneBender]

Britney. Texting is a very bad bad bad idea. I could see it making the situation much worse instead of better.

I think you should tell her in person. You can write her a letter so you don't miss something that you would like to let her know, but be there when you give it to her. I am making a huge assumption here, but since you say you are ready to transition I assume that you have a therapist. Many TG therapists also have a focus in marriage and family therapy and can help you cross those hurdles with your spouse.

No matter what you need to understand which I already think you do that she will be upset. It also sounds like you understand that you owe her that opportunity to be upset. The only way to work through all of this is to let the emotion flow. In the end you need to do what will make you happy and be honest with her in the process.

[Emily83]

Since I was 17 I've asked people I 'need to talk to', to meet me in a pubic place, usually a cafe. This is neutral setting & being in public means that no one can 'flip their lid' without causing a scene.
A text @ work is down right cruel. It doesn't give her a chance to take it in & think.

When my husband of 2 years, partner of 7 years & friend of 13 years came out to me I knew I had (as I've always had) the choice to stay or go. After some time, many arguements & heaps of conversation, I realised that there are no guarentees in life & I won't know if this will work unless I give it a try. So far so good. My now wife is happy! She has never been happy & I have never felt more positive about our relationship.
Speaking of, I had better dash. I'm off to meet my beautiful (& much better half) for 'that' doctor appointment. Today is the day we finally get the drugs for HRT. I'm so excited. Can't imagine how she feels. Peace out. Big love. xxx

[Stephanie47]

I'm going to join the chorus of stating the discourse should occur face to face. In a prior post you indicated you are now on hormones. You indicate your family knows and does not disapprove. If it is your intention to transition you need to tell her. Sooner the better. It seems everyone in these situations wants to keep their spouse which is understandable. Tell her! Don't waffle! Don't backtrack! Don't make compromises you cannot keep! If this is something you must do, then do it!

You make the decision that is best for you.

Let her make the decision that is best for her.

[Sandra]

You really need to sit down with her and explain everything, do not leave anything out, if you do and it comes out later on it, it may cause more stress. You could also suggest that she joins here and joins FAB, we have a couple of GGs including myself who are going down the transitioning path with their SO's.

[Michelle.M]

Since my wife and I have already spoken about this back in February/March, she told me that I must make a decision.

You probably should have opened with this. Kinda changes the whole perception of the gravity of the issue. "I was thinking of just texting her this week" is not even close to the same thing as "my wife and I have already spoken about this".

[mary something]

what specifically are you wanting to do? start hrt? ffs? hair removal? present as female full time starting now?

Maybe it would be helpful to focus on what specific goal you have and what you want to do to achieve it? Like Michelle mentioned, sounds like a lot more has been said than your original post indicated

[Megan Thomas]

I'll join the chorus advising not to text this news.

Sometimes what we fear is not what will happen but what we imagine will happen. The longer we procrastinate and delay the greater the fear builds.

She has a right to rebuild her life with someone who fits her requirements when the person she originally chose deliberately changes themselves so they don't meet her requirements any more. Bite the bullet, choose a time and location suitable for you both to handle the conversation and then just tell her - gently! It won't kill you, it's not the end of the world, you both will recover and respect yourselves and each other for handling it well. I would add it might be worth writing her a letter to give her afterwards, explaining your feelings, hopes, wishes, etc. It will help because in conversations we often forget to say something, plus it will give her something to read and reread as she tries to take everything in.

Good luck. :)

[Britney Johnson]

Hi All... Again, thank you for the feedback. I apologize for adding some information after the fact. I was attempting to give, what i thought to be, the most important information. My intention was to find out if what I was thinking was a poor idea, and I agree with all of you. Face to face and writing down my thoughts are both great ideas. Even though we have talked about me transitioning, it always feels as though we have never talked each time I bring it up. Some may find this discerning, but I have begun HRT. It has actually been a yr as of now, and she has noticed subtle changes. I know, more info... I am taking my time, and have mentioned to her that I plan on going full time sometime next in 2014, around November to be more specific. She does not know that I have started... Yes, more secrets... Not the way I planned to do it, but I felt as though I was backed into a corner and everything was consuming me. I was talking with a Therapist for a while, but my funds have been cut to a minimum as of lately. I know many will judge me, but my intentions have always been the best... And initially, I had thought that I was handling things in the best way, especially since we had been talking. I am back to square one though it seems... I am planning on talking with her tonight, and putting everything on the table yet again. It comes at a bad time though, but is there ever a right time...

[steftoday]

Good luck, Britney. Is there any way your therapist might do a sliding scale on their charges, and cut you a break?

[Elsa Larson]

For years, I followed the postings of a MTF on her blog and now on Facebook. She wrote gut-wrenching posts about her pain when her marriage ended and again when the divorce was final.

I did not know what had happened to the ex-wife until years later when the MTF (post gender correction surgery) married a wonderful man.

There, in the pictures of the wedding party, was the ex-wife as the matron of honor.

I could not hold back my happy tears for both of them.

Elsa

[Britney Johnson]

Well ... I finally got up the nerve and spoke with my spouse earlier this week. I just came out and told her that I want to transition to a woman and live the rest of my life, and that I hope she will stay with me thru it all, but understand if she decides to take another path. It is not an easy road to travel, and I know my road is still unknown ahead. I am willing to weather thru those storms though, so that I can be happy as me. It wasn't easy, and I had no idea how to explain myself to her. We have talked about all of this before, a few times, but I always chicken out and say everything will be ok. I have put her on an emotional roller coaster, and never gave it a thought. Suppose I don't really understand what she is going thru as a spouse. I know how things may effect her physically, but emotionally is totally different. Something that I need to get in touch with I think. Along with that, I think I have really desensitized myself. I don't show a lot of emotion. Because of this, I am missing out on so much of life as well... One step at a time... Hugz... Love you all... and hope you have a fabulous holiday...

Sandra... Suppose I need to read post a bit more clearly and reply back. I apologize for not getting back sooner. My spouse and I have talked about this a few times, but I always go back and say that I don't need to do something like transition or something. I do it cause I feel as though it will help smooth things over maybe, but honestly...it just makes things worse. I have tried to get her to join groups and ask questions, but she won't have any part of it, at least for now. This kills me inside to feel this way though. It hasn't been an easy thing to explain, but I know that I can't go on without being true to myself and her. Even though I want her to remain in my life, I do understand if she decides to take a different path. Thank you sooo much for your comments and I hope that you have a fabulous weekend.

[CharleneT]

A little blunt honesty. IF you have been on HRT for a year, and your wife doesn't know, you are in for major troubles. You cannot treat a spouse that way. Note, I am not using SO or the like, if you are married, your only true course is complete honesty with her. Anything else will come back to haunt, if not bury you. Really, HRT without telling her ??? Geesh!

It sounds like you have started to get honest with her - good. The truth is that if you hope to have her around at all in the future, she has to be, repeat - has to be - involved in the whole transition. Ever descion, ever time, with a real vote. Not just "... honey {this} is what I am going to do, please accept and support {this}...." Even if you do that, the chances of her sticking around are remote -- at best. Sorry, that's the truth.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Charlene

[stefan37]

I'm sorry but the secrecy you have committed as you started your transition can only result in a train wreck. I have been completely honest with my wife when I started therapy and when I started hrt a year ago. We have had honest and open discussions through the entire process and she is still having difficulty with it. I know from my experience and from others close to me that have gone through this before me it is hell on the spouse when there is full disclosure. I cannot imagine the feeling of betrayal when you finally come clean to your wife. I wish you the best, and I hope your wife can forgive you. Transition is a difficult enough process as it is and to do it behind the back of someone you love , well I have no words for that.

[ChelseaErtel]

If you really have been on HRT for a year you may be heading for a difficult time. Trust is a difficult thing to gain but so easy to lose. She will find out and it would be better for her to hear it from you. In my situation I told my wife I will not do anything without her knowledge. I'd love to begin HRT but my wife is not ready for that. Shes in the bargaining and depression stage and I'm hoping we reach the "acceptance" stage. That's where I'll tell her I am starting HRT. Being TS is a huge secret and your wife may view it as just another lie. She married a man remember.

I love my wife dearly but we still, in the end, may have to split. This is all too often too much for any spouse to handle and I understand that. It seems you understand that and are prepared for the worst. I didn't see anything about children so that's good as that is another complicating factor to deal with.

My wife will have to accept each stage (HRT, FFS, GRS...) before I begin the process. I know it will slow me down, but that is fine for me if we stay together.

Good luck, I do hope it all works out.

[groove67]

yes you have to be honest when I told my wife that I was going fulltime hrt and wanted srs and become total woman she said she needed a man left me . she has a guy she is dating now and I am happy for her and myself as I realize over last few years I really am wanting a man in my life also. so in my case we both win and remain good friends .

[Britney Johnson]

I understand that honesty is the best policy. I started because I felt as though there was no where else to turn, and I had to do something for me. It eats me up every day that I can not freely talk with her about everything. I have spoken with a counselor for over a year, and came out to my wife 2.5 years ago. Since then she has do e nothing but try and save me. She is a wonderful person, and I am sure that she knows what is happening. She has already made comments pertaining too. This is not an easy journey for anyone, and I am taking things slow as I possibly can right now in order to remain sane. I never understood how much these feelings would effect my life, and since I was 5, i have been fighting a battle within myself to make the most of each day. I am sorry that you all may not agree with my decision to begin as I have, but for me there is no turning back. I will open up to her soon about everything. I have found that there is no right time for this eighter, but to talk when we can. This is the most difficult for me, getting over my fears. Not fears of what awaits outside my doors, but of hurting someone that has given me so much...

[stefan37]

We all have fears about hurting those we love. I still hurt when I think how I hurt my wife with my need to transition. And there is nothing wrong with taking things slowly, but it still doesn't excuse the fact you need to come clean with your wife sooner than later. The longer you wait the worse it will hurt her and the fact you have been on hrt for a year behind her back could mean an irreparable rift between you. You need to have a serious discussion with her as soon as possible. This process is difficult for all of us, there is no doubt. But it is also a very public process and hiding is no longer an option. You are right the decision to start as you did was yours alone, but you still should have had the guts to tell your wife who you say you love. And if you think she knows what is happening, make sure she knows what is happening, TELL HER.

[Rogina B]

If "your juice" was prescribed and the process started with a gender therapist,did they not ask you about your discussions and disclosure [with your SO] about your plan? It seems that many girls "dance around the telling part" so a lot of time passes.Obviously there haven't been physical changes that have been noticed by the person you sleep beside...

[mary something]

She is a wonderful person, and I am sure that she knows what is happening. She has already made comments pertaining too.

Do you present as female in front of your wife?

It is what it is at this point, just tell her you're on hrt and then tell her if it's helped you feel better and how. You said you want to transition full time, so does that mean you're part time in front of your wife right now? If so just tell her that you need to express yourself as Britney more and that if it makes you happy to do so you could imagine doing it all the time.

Avoid the big confessional scene, it sounds like she knows intuitively already anyway. Just tell her the truth about what you want and let her decide how she wants to feel about it. If you want to stay with her tell her that.

She might not be as surprised as you think she'll be.

Prepare yourself by thinking of some potential questions she might ask you and decide what your response will be.

You never know, it might go better than you think.

[Britney Johnson]

I am sorry that I have upset so many on here. That was not my intention. I do understand that criticism is just as important as support is, and that I will not always make the best decisions. I am trying to move forward with my life, and yes, honesty is totally important, and I have been honest with her. My therapist told me that I need to be open with my wife and let her know I wanted to transition, I did that on more than one occasion over the past few years. She does not want to seek assistance in dealing with any of this and moves on as if it will go away. My plan for HRT w to start slowly and minimize any changes that I would go thru, and I have accomplished that I think with the assistance of my doctor. Just last week, I finally came out and spoke of transitioning with my wife again and openly said that I want to transition to a female. (I have in the past as well). She seems as though she only hears what she wants to, and later says, "You never said that". It is just harder each time I bring everything up again and again. I really don't know what else to do. How many times do I need to say the same thing. I have become numb to showing much feeling any more, and have even wished that things would just end. Many of us go thru these feelings, it is just a good thing I am such a wimp and hate pain. On top of that, I am not looking to put those around me thru that type of pain.
Do I present as female in front of my wife... No, she will not have any part of it. She has thrown out my things on numerous occasions, although my side of the closet has many of my clothes. My drawers are filled with panties and bras that I have begun wearing frequently. I do my own laundry now, because she is afraid to find my personals which are in every load.
Do I sound a bit desperate, I am sure I do. I want so very much to be happy as well, but she does not want to learn about me and what we go thru. It is tough all around, and things are not looking to get any easier. As I have said though, I am prepared to take on those challenges. I just wish I had spoken up sooner...

[LeaP]

If "your juice" was prescribed and the process started with a gender therapist,did they not ask you about your discussions and disclosure [with your SO] about your plan? ... Obviously there haven't been physical changes that have been noticed by the person you sleep beside...

Both interesting points. My therapist will not write a HRT letter unless the spouse is informed. They don't have to agree, they don't have to like it, but they have to be aware.

And Britney - NO noticable changes in a year ... at all? No change in sexual function? No breast growth, skin changes, fat redistribution, body hair changes? None?

[Britney Johnson]

I have had changes, and she has noticed some of these changes such as the breast growth. She keeps saying I have man boobs, which is true, they have begun to develop more in the past 4 - 5 mos. As far as skin, I have always taken good care of my self and use lotion as almost as often as her. My eyebrows have been shaped for the last 3 years, and I started laser hair removal over 2 years ago. My body has gotten thinner, due to working out more intensely and I keep telling her I am trying to get down to 155 from 210. I am on my way, but a ways to go. Sexual function has always been an issue with me. My doctor even prescribed me Viagra, but I haven't been able to bring myself to use it. (Difficult decision)... So, as far as fat distribution, it is pretty much unnoticeable. I have spoken with her about my plans, and told her I was going to begin, but have not disclosed anything about having started HRT. This is unfair to her, and I am in no way arguing that point.
Thank you all again for all the comments, negative or positive. Each is appreciated...

[mary something]

Britney I empathize with you. It sounds like your wife has been told enough to know what you want and it's YOUR choice what to do with your body and no one elses.

What do you want your life to look like two years from now?

[Britney Johnson]

You ask where I would like to be in 2 yrs... For me, that is easy... Living life as the woman I have always been. FFS, possible breast augmentation, along with GRS. I have a long way to go, but have been preparing for a long time.

[Rogina B]

Sure doesn't seem to me that you are very"out"! You want to transition and you don't present as female to your family? FFS,? BA?,GRS?..really in a couple of years?

[Britney Johnson]

I am out to my friends and I have come out to my Mother and brother... I don't talk to the rest of my family for different reasons... Suppose we just don't get along. I go out as often as I get the chance, but I don't retire until next June. I have a commitment until then. I am taking things slow for now, but my plans are set. At least as set as I can be, for where I hope to be in 2 yrs. Life isn't easy and we all have decisions and time schedules for what we want...

[mary something]

Retirement can be a good time to transition, especially if you can take some time to yourself for some of the surgeries that you are planning. Do you expect to start your RLE soon after retirement or are you waiting to have surgeries first?

[Angela Campbell]

Good for you Britney, You go at your pace and do it your way. No one except for you understands your life. This is a major change in life and I will not rush in and go too fast. (including going full time) I will think things out and work it all out my way. I plan to go full time in about a year but I cannot guarantee anything. You cannot either I expect.

[Britney Johnson]

Do you expect to start your RLE soon after retirement or are you waiting to have surgeries first?

I am looking forward to RLE. I will definitely have to before I actually begin with surgeries. For many doctors, they actually require you to live in the female role for at least 6 mos to a year. There are surgeries that I can have accomplished before hand, like Adam's apple, and BA. It is important for me to handle this with care, and beginning immediately after retirement will assist me in being true to myself. People will have their own thoughts and beliefs as to what they think a good time line is, but we all know that things change everyday and we do the best with what we have. Thank you all for the standing support. I am trying to correct my current situation, and being totally honest with my spouse. It will be difficult, but as many have said, it is important to be honest and open about everything. Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th... Be safe

[Britney Johnson]

Just thought to update everyone as to my talk with my wife. I would love to say that she was understanding, but lets face it this is one of the hardest things to deal with. It is something that totally uproots any thoughts of a future with the person you are with. That being said, I explained to her that I am transitioning and that I would like to start going out more as who I am at heart and in my soul. She is not so happy with it, but she did not say no. For me, it is a positive step forward and the fact that I don't feel as though I need to hide anything from her. She doesn't agree, and as of right now she doesn't support. Who knows what the future may bring. All I know is, that I am becoming less afraid to talk with her about things and being able to get ready at home before going out will feel so wonderful. I want to thank everyone that posted. A said before, both positive and negative comments pushed me to make that decision to come out and tell her how I feel. Now that the door is open, I plan to keep it open. Thank you again... Hugz