cd tunnel

[erica12b]

I need to put some thought down, and place them where an understanding group may be able to help me with my thoughts.

I have been re-rereading some of the Gaby fan fiction, and the Gaby/drew story’s, (I just love them, can’t get enough) the story that has me so deep in thought is “never my love story’s (all things denied, rough waters, reconciliation, and never my love) reading the drew stuff I love how he is tricked and coursed in to dressing as Gaby and most of his close friends in the know love him in both boy and girl mode. Now in the for mentioned fan fiction stories drew finds out he really is a girl and needs some corrective surgery , but as a soon to be complete girl she must confront her feeling for another girl and how she loves her and how the world will treat them , all thru the story I find I’m crying and thinking to myself it’s kind of like my life but not quite , the story of rhod as a transsexual (wanting to be a girl ) also hit me close but again not on the mark, I can empathize with both but find no help for my thoughts,

I can empathize with the coming out, and the wanting to be me, sides of the story. I can see a happy ending and can dream of how to go from the story and get to the happy ending of the story. Now for my thoughts part

My Background, I’m a 47yr male, divorced, father of 2 ,grandfather to 2 ,have one son still at home just entering high school , and I’m a cross dresser, I have a femside and would like to express it more ,would still like to keep my job too. I have come to except Erica(mostly) I know I don’t want to become a girl, when I do dress I have no wants of being with a male in any form, I have tried to find an open minded girlfriend for a long time with no luck, I live for my youngest son, and am trying to balance my ex-wife’s influence on him , I’m not on the best of terms with my oldest stepson,(his life is full of kids ,wife and work)

I do not see a happy end to being a cd, there is no goal, no final acceptance, just a Constance hiding, holding in check feelings and Constance watch not to slip up and out myself, I find I have isolated myself from making close friends, while outwardly happy and in good humor, inside I’m depressed and just surviving, waiting for my end.

There is no goal being a cd, nothing to work towards other than passing (witch I never will), no light at the end of the tunnel. No happy outcome. when looking for a gf I feel I do not want to meet and get feeling started and then tell her about my femside , so I have been trying to be upfront about myself and open online ,and still keeping safe online too , I have joined online groups in my area and have even meet some of the people openly in the real world while they have excepted me and have no problems with my dressing, they all have their worlds to work in and there circle of friends just like the rest of us , no close friendships have developed and the get together are very infrequent , how do I find a balance, in excepting myself , the real world and finding a gf , raising a son and explore my fem side ?

When reading the stories above and some of the great threads here about excepting wife’s and friends there are others, wife’s, friends and friends of wife’s, most good threads tell of interaction with others that make the threads so great but for me there are no close friends, no accepting gf, or even friends of friends, just a state of survival, I’m working two jobs and barley keeping afloat in this market, stressed to my limits and lost for answers

Side note: if you have someone that accepts you and your other side, thank them. I’m thinking after writing this that they may be the only light at the end of a cd’s tunnel,

I wrote this a couple month ago and never posted it, I was too ashamed of some of my finding within myself and where my thoughts took me. I’m still working two jobs with no time to try and fix my life but I think I may have found some light , I just don’t know how to get it , friends ,close friends , accepting friends ,a close circle of friends that you can see every day , can run with .( not acquaintances, which I have ) but true friends that accept you, with you faults and different sides .
I’m now posting this to help others and try and show there may be light at the end of the cd tunnel.

[erica12b]

this would classify me as a closet cd , right ,lol adding some humor or trying too add it ,

[Beverley Sims]

Erica, get yourself out of the doldrums, it really is not as bad as you have worded it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and maybe you need to see a consoling friend or visit a therapist.
I notice you have a lighter side to your second post....
Now I feel much better.
Read how others have tackled the problem.

I sit here looking at two railway spikes I bought at Grand Junction when the train stops for servicing.
Only ever visited the railway station.
I just checked I have three, one gold and two black.

[Jaylyn]

Erica I'm no counselor but can tell you friends can come and go and you need to just be yourself in your own body. Enjoy the precious time you have with the kids. Help them and get absorbed in a group of something that you enjoy. Sounds like you have been dealt a tough hand in life. You and every one needs some alone time. Make room for it somewhere in your schedule. Make every effort to find someone near that you can confide in your feelings. Find a hobby, preferably not alcohol or drugs. Help someone who is not as fortunate as you that can set your own attitude to a positive. You have to always look on the positive side of every thing. Ever now and then just stop take a deep breath and plan how you are gonna get out of the rut. Fix your life and change what you have to. Make a list of what you want to happen in your life and then start in baby steps pursuing those goals. I feel there is a goal at the end of a CD's tunnel. Just find it gal/ man.

[erica12b]

I posted this to try and help others that may be in the same rut i was in ,i dont have the fixs in my life yet but i do see a light , and its only myfunny side that has got me thru all of this , im still trying , i have said this before we get in to habits ,that then become comfortably, keeping the cd secret becomes comfortable, the closet becomes comfortable, i have gotten out (not dressed) but out and talked to real people, they excepted me as i am, but its the close friends that i dont have (yet) that will be a positive point in my life . Did not think this was a sad sad post but sad with alight at the end, trying to find the hope, kind of post , thing . you know im not a writer just did not state myself very well ,