transitioning with a young daughter?

[Georgie]

Hi I am planning to transition in the very near future, I have a young daughter (she turns 4 in July). I don't live with her or her mother any more but see her about 3 times a week.

Me and my ex dont know what the best way to do it around her, we don't want it to ruin her life or for it to be odd to her etc.

Anyone here transition with a young child? How did you do it, how did they cope etc?

x

[Plasibeau]

This was something I dealt with as well.

My ex and I were friends long before there was a relationship and my son was born. She knew of my intention to transition before we got together. When she became pregnant we agreed that I would not hide myself from him. Ever. So from birth my son has seen both sides of the coin and after having many honest talks with him he understands what I'm doing. He's eight now, but he first started asking questions around three. I spoke to a child psychologist about this and what she told me was that the most important thing is that the child knows and understands that their position in your life does not change. So long as the child knows that they are loved and you are still a parent that cares deeply for them they shouldn't have much problem especially if they're not raised with rigid gender roles.

Now, my son has been awesome in holding an even keel on this, but he has a half-sister now who, although being raised by the same mother, is having a bit of difficulty accepting who I am. That is partly my fault as I've had to start and stop my transition several times since she's come into the picture. And the one problem my son has experienced is the picking on of other kids when they see me and give him crap for it. But he has been prepared to deal with that as well, which is not much more than the "this is how you deal with bullies" talk.

I think the most important factor is to be consistent with your child. My son knows that I'm not going to want to play tag with him when I'm wearing heels and a skirt, but it doesn't mean I can't play catch, or fight with Nerf Swords (that will get you real graceful in heels real quick BTW, lol). We still bike ride and go for hikes, and wrestle and play video games and all those things and because of that he's doing just fine.

Hope that all helped.

/rant

[AllieSF]

Plasibeau gives some very good advice. I have seen a learned that children are much more adaptable then we think that they are. American Indians taught their very young children to always be quiet when traveling because of the constant need to hunt, or to not let others know that they were nearby. The children kept quiet at very young ages when compared to other children. Poor farming families would teach their children how to live frugally and make do with what they had for toys. They also learned very early about birth, death and how animals mate. Telling and then reflecting truth and then being consistent with that over time just becomes that child's normal, home life. Helping the child to deal with adversity and negative comments from others early in life will help them whether someone is different in the family or not. The main thing is if the child is to know that then the parents should be ready to help that child or children to deal with it over time. Support, constant and consistent.

[STACY B]

Kidds don't pay attention to stuff like that ,,Once she see's you in some different clothes an anything out of the norm just tell her why ,, Remember she is young just give her just enough to get on with it an nothing more when she is ready she will ask . My grandson is 13 an he see's me all the time in different things an I answer whatever he wants me too at the time an nothing more . You groom them young an they will teach other for you an the rest of the world ,, Don't worry about the young ones its the Old Dummy's we gotta worry about set in there dumb ways an don't know there ass from a hole in the ground . Just take it really slow an don't come out dressed like a hooker in a short skirt an heels ,, Go slow an dress in one thing or do one thing at a time an you will be fine .

[arbon]

My daughter was 10 when I had to broach the subject, so she was probably a little better able to understand what was happening. She already knew something was, she was aware that I was changing. When we did talk I had help from a friend that has worked as a child counselor and had been a teacher so she was very good with children. She was with me and my wife and daughter, and help with the communication.

There was a brochure or guide that came out on line recently for younger kids who's parents transition but I am having trouble finding it now. It might be useful to you, I will keep looking.


Kidds don't pay attention to stuff like that ,,Once she see's you in some different clothes an anything out of the norm just tell her why I don't agree with that, it does affect them, all differently. I remember my dad shaving his beard one day, at that point I had never known him without his beard, it freaked me out and I never liked it. I can't imagine what it would have been like being young if he suddenly started dressing as a woman and going by a new name - I really wouldn't have liked that!

[Rogina B]

As a non transitioning,Tminded father of an 11 yr old daughter,I have some experience in this.I live a gender fluid lifestyle and I started my daughter knowing at age 5. She is wonderful and it is great that she has reached the age where we can watch a discussion and later talk about gender issues.Kids are sharp these days! And I am able to have her accept that I am happier in girl mode.When at home,we live mostly as three girls together and she is quite happy as this.Kids take the cue from Mom..if Mom is cool with it,they are as well. So,You have to present this to her with your wife at your side,and perhaps wait a bit to try and have any serious discussion about it..keep it light,for now. Just my experience,but it seems to be working for us.Oh,and I too have seen the pamphlet Arbon is looking for !

[arbon]

Here is an interesting article I saw this morning:

http://shine.yahoo.com/first-person-explaining-transgenderism-kids-195600762.html

[mikiSJ]

You didn't hint at what your current relationship is with you ex-wife, but I would be more concerned with how the ex handles the information than the 4 year old. I think the 4 year may be a bit young to understand the "two yous", but that is your call as you know your daughter best.

[kimdl93]

It's not going to ruin her life. Just be honest with her. She's too young to have a lot of questions at the moment...as she gets older you will have plenty of opportunities to explain why she has two moms.

[Georgie]

Hi first of all thanks everyone for their great replies, gives me a lot to read and think about and to come up with a plan for me and my ex.


Here is an interesting article I saw this morning:

http://shine.yahoo.com/first-person-explaining-transgenderism-kids-195600762.html

This is a great article thanks so much for sharing :). *bookmarks*



You didn't hint at what your current relationship is with you ex-wife, but I would be more concerned with how the ex handles the information than the 4 year old. I think the 4 year may be a bit young to understand the "two yous", but that is your call as you know your daughter best.

Hi me and my ex are still great friends and are on very good terms and still hang out etc. we spilt up cos she wanted to be with a man not because we stopped caring for each other. She says she will always support me, her only concern is the same as mine, the safety and well being of our princess.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Try 9 grandkids, yes its 9.

Dejarn is now 10y 5 m. she was with us a lot of her 5 years, because of issues so i took care of her & we went every where, camps with lots of people ,

There is nothing that she does not know about myself, i mean nothing, Dejarn has grown up with what i am. the other grandkids some did not know about any thing they just see me every week those that are close to us 3 brothers & sister to Dejarn the others all know some have been out with me as well they all know im just noeleena .they have been told of cause,

dont underestermate kids dont treat them as they dont know any thing treat them as you would any person as grown up. just tell them in words they understand if when any ?s come up dady why are you wearing ....... or you look different , you walk funny, he he ....... or you have a ..... male bits . or none or you have tit'es,
Or sometimes your voice is funny...

When i was asked by young children it was the same they got an answer that they understood, one was are you a boy or girl . well im really a girl just i look like a boy, .... oh okay then he was off playing, he was about 7 , & i had younger in our supper market with his grandfolks so i had Dejarn do the honers he said your a boy out loud , i said oh am i ...yes.. so Dejarn said im a girl after a few your a boy , finnely he said you are a girl... that was fun to the embarrisment of grandad & grandma with about 15 onlookers, Dejarn & i had a laugh & just carred on.

Kids dont miss a beat, we have 3 under 5 with two more comeing . they will see me just as the others do.

I dont see any issues if any arise make sure they are not yours, for school whats different there, the other kids will soon know part of life yoiu try & hide it wont work be open get known & accepterd, does it work yes most kids at our schools know me many talk with me no issues,


...noeleena...

[Georgie]

Thanks again for all the great replies :).

Has anyone had to deal with their kid getting bullied because of you. That's my main worry, I was bullied as a kid and I know how horrid it is.

Also what does your kids call you. I love being called dad or daddy as that's what I am and always will be for her. But with a kid saying daddy whilst out and about will surly blow my cover lol.

[arbon]

My daughter calls me "Poppy".

She has not really dealt much with being bullied because of me that I know of.

[Nicole Erin]

There is a chance that other kids will use it as a reason to bully.
Are you sure you need to transition? Sometimes when people have kids, it hits them that their lives just don't belong to them anymore and they start wanting to do unusual things. They want their lives back. Why do you think so many marriage problems and divorces happen when the kids are young?
Cannot blame people for wanting their lives back. One day they are free as an eagle and then suddenly they cannot so much as go to the bathroom (let alone hop in the car and just "leave") without a kid attached to their hip.

My kid never said anything about it but I imagine he sometimes got teased over my appearance. I know the parents or teenage kids sometimes made remarks to me so I know they had to have said crap to him.

Even if you managed to get to where you "passed without question", then what would they say about your daughter having two mommies?
Your daughter herself probably won't have any problems with your transition but some of the bigoted parents of other kids surely will.

[ReineD]

Arbon posted a great article, and I love Plasibeau's experience/advice. I have one more thing to add: it is crucial for both you and your ex to be on the same page when it comes to what to tell your child. Kids don't want to hear different stories from each parent.

[Rogina B]

Also what does your kids call you. I love being called dad or daddy as that's what I am and always will be for her. But with a kid saying daddy whilst out and about will surly blow my cover lol.
"Aunt Rogina" if we bump into any of her school friends..I am her father's twin sister!lol She came up with that one!

[arbon]

There are a lot of times when its not only my daughter getting stuck on how to address and / or explain me with others, but I do as well once in a while. Like one night we were out of town and I had to take her to the emergency room and during the intake I had to explain how it was I was her father, which is just a tad awkward. Then we had to deal with a nurse, doctor, another nurse - one of the things about my daughter she hates it if people refer to me as her mom, that really bothers her, but saying I am her dad or father makes her uncomfortable (and me) to.

So with like these people that night I would have to keep correcting - I'm her parent, or poppy - but that just does not sound right :/

There is really no good word for what you are, to explain yourself to others, if you can't be the dad or mom.

[Rogina B]

Arbon,Maybe "legal guardian" would have been easier at the emergency room..

[Loreilly]

My son is just starting to understand gender, his mother just cannot wrap her head around the concept. I have to hide myself from him per his mothers request. He did not think twice of me being a woman, he just wanted to cuddle more. Not that I minded that at all, I love my son VERY much. She wants to involve a child psychologist before we introduce him to Daddy being a Woman. It is not a bad idea to have a counselor involved to help.

[Inna]

Young child's mind absorbs yet does not discriminate, discrimination comes later. The longer you wait, the more you need to explain and more roadblocks would have arose in her mind. At 4, you going to encounter, WHY's and OH's and probably that will be all she needs to decipher that you still and always will love her no matter the circumstance. In fact, what better the lesson for her of truth and love.
Your wife might not however see it in such a linear perspective, she may have insecurities of her own which will slow down the decision process for her.

Best is to have both of you at the TG therapist and explain your dilemma!
Once she hears it out of professionals mouth it will sound more substantial then the same coming from you.