What if your SO were to tell you...

[Wildaboutheels]

[since COMPROMISE seems to cause so much confusion] "You can wear anything around the house you want, anytime you want, BUT no forms, wigs or makeup".

Compromise?

Or control?

Or "YEEHAW"!!!!!!

[ReineD]

What if the husband were to say to his FtM wife, "You can wear anything around the house you want, anytime you want, BUT no packing and no mustache & beard.

Compromise?

Or control?

Personally I think it's compromise. They both have to live together and the non TG spouse has every right to let his/her TG spouse know what they do or do not feel comfortable with, since presumably none of this was disclosed prior to marriage.

[Danielle_cder]

I do wear anything around the house, especially forms n hips but no wig or make up;)

[Jenniferathome]

... the non TG spouse has every right to let his/her TG spouse know what they do or do not feel comfortable with...

I'm down with this 100%, regardless of WHEN one learned the CD secret.

[Wonderwho]

The first thing I would do was call 911, for there would be something severly wrong with my SO.
There is a fine line between compromise and respect. We have come to a point where the acceptance curve is moving in the
" right " direction. I respect her working on an understanding of my needs, she respects my wants and needs.
After all these years togeather life itself is a compromise, should I get up and continue or should I lay here and see what happens?
One of the wonders of being human is we have free will. It is up to each person to decide what or WHO helpes us to decide how to use this free will. I have decided to accept the support and compasion that having this person in my life provides.
Therefore we work togeather to create a enviroment that allowes both of us do more that just exist, we actully enjoy each
other and can have fun no matter how we dress.
WW

[kimdl93]

If that was the deal, I'd take it. Of course over time, as your SO acclimated to the clothes, there's every likelihood that forms, make up and wigs will be accepted too. At least that was how it worked for me.

[heatherdress]

[since COMPROMISE seems to cause so much confusion] "You can wear anything around the house you want, anytime you want, BUT no forms, wigs or makeup".

Compromise?

Or control?



Or "YEEHAW"!!!!!!

Maybe all 3 - depends upon the specifics. Could very well be a controlling spouse. Might or might not have been disclosed. May or may not be acceptable to CDer. Honestly, there are usually no absolutes to most of these hypothetical situations except situations involving betrayal, abuse, dishonesty, dignity, etc. Acceptance, non-acceptance or some form of compromise usually comes down to personalities, beliefs, trust, intimacy, communications and family situation (children).

[Wildaboutheels]

Compromise is often, just another version of "is the glass half full or half empty" expression IMO. Some people wil never understand or accept that the other person can also be just as correct.

[Beverley Sims]

Compromise starts this way and slowly develops into something broader, usually.
Life is full of compromises.

[mikiSJ]

Reine


since presumably none of this was disclosed prior to marriage.

But what if what was disclosed 37 years ago has evolved into something different and the SO (either one) doesn't want to keep up with change and a compromise/promise needs to change?

[Michelle (Oz)]

Having been revived from the shock and ensuring it wasn't a set up to confess I'd embrace my wife and say what a wonderful person you are and what a beautiful compromise.

I'd also note that she hadn't said "you cannot go out fully presenting as female with wig, forms and makeup". It means more to me to go out fully presenting female than to dress around the house.

[TeresaCD]

It is possible to find middle ground without compromising?
What if a statement like this meant 'I can see this is important to you, it's ok for you to express yourself around me, although the whole package is a bit much to bear right now' ??

[linda allen]

"You can wear anything around the house you want, anytime you want, BUT no forms, wigs or makeup".
We shouldn't be telling our spouses what they can or cannot do, nor should they be telling us the same.

Marriage mean respect for the partner. "It bothers me to see you in breast forms or a wig." would be a better message from the wife. The husband would then stop wearing these things when she is around or at least limit the time he wears them when she is around.

That's not saying that there can't be progress and discussion that might lead to wearing these things in her presence.

My wife would never tell me what I can't do and I would never tell her what she can't do. We know and respect each other enough to know where to draw the line.

[kimdl93]

It is possible to find middle ground without compromising?
What if a statement like this meant 'I can see this is important to you, it's ok for you to express yourself around me, although the whole package is a bit much to bear right now' ??

no, its not possible to find a middle ground without "compromising." Compromise seems to be interpreted by some as "yielding" or "failing to stand for principle". that is not what the word means. A compromise is a mutually agreeable arrangement. It might be in the middle, it might be tipped somewhat left or right of center, but both parties agree.

[ReineD]

But what if what was disclosed 37 years ago has evolved into something different and the SO (either one) doesn't want to keep up with change and a compromise/promise needs to change?

I was speaking in general terms, if a partner married a person they believe is a particular gender. With respect to your example, each case would have to be looked at separately, with all details examined including the individuals' upbringing, their definitions of what trespasses their moral code, and their interpersonal dynamics, before deciding whether one partner was being overly controlling or not.

Individual cases are not something that can be judged (for opinion) based on a forum description that is less than 30 words. :p

[Kate Simmons]

First of all she would never say that. Secondly if my SO were to say that, I would say SO what?:battingeyelashes::)

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I'm glad that I don't have to think about any of that. I just let my female self out at any time. My wife is planning to come with me for a consultation to make some physical changes, if you know what I mean.

Cheryl

[Annaliese2010]

...Compromise? Or control?... If I had a hot GG SO there wld BE no need2compromise. SHE'd be the all-in-all of everything. Fc all this bs. Sadly, so far dont. so lah de dah ;)

[gender_blender]

Increase your estrogen gradually and grow out my hair. I've already done those things, so I look flawless without forms, wigs and makeup.

[Wildaboutheels]

I was thinking that many would say that "[IF] I am staying home, I often don't take the time for wigs/makeup/forms", or something to that effect." I just like wearing the clothes because of how they feel/make me feel". Do those feelings no longer work w/o the whole illusion?

????

Seems like I have seen a lot of folks say that here. Maybe that is mostly the folks w/o partners who have complete CONTROL of how far they choose to "dress"?

Or is it the fact that your partner is only "giving you" SOME of what you desire. Is that not COMPROMISE? I have to beieive that folks in DADT would consider it so?

[NicoleScott]

To the question, I would have to ask why she doesn't me to wear forms, makeup, or wigs. And does she mean anytime in the house or just when she's there? I'd have to listen to the answer and go from there. Not every CDer is satisfied throwing on a dress. I wouldn't be - I'd rather put on makeup and a wig than a dress, if those were the choices. Such a limiting mandate might drive a CDer to retreat to stealth mode, back to the closet.

[Juliea661]

Unfortunately it sounds like control to me.
I'll ditto ditto Linda allen's reply.
Hugs, Jules

[MssHyde]

I'd say no deal! I want it all

[Launa]

I can do this anytime I want as long as the kids aren't around and its great, great, great. But, whats even better is going all the way out into public places!

YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!

[Stephanie47]

Forms? Gain weight so you get man boobs.

Wig? Let your hair grow out, really long.

Makeup? Keep clean shaven, get a tan on your face, thin eyebrows

You should end up looking somewhat like most women at the malls.

[Greenie]

Our "compromise" conversation didn't go like that. I asked "What do you need to make you happy? What are the top three things you 'need' and the three things you could live without" I then listed the three easiest things it would be for me to get used to and the three things it would be hardest for me to handle. We were similar on most of them surprisingly. we also made the provision that we can reassess at ANYTIME.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Does compromise really make one happy let alone two people, or does this go down the road of what one wonts, getting that then makes the other unhappy.

For me this reaks of never telling the truth to start with had that been the case there would not be a need for any compromise after,
& what happens after that compromise, it will soon be broken judging from what i read here & on other forums its only a short lived way to get around the issue ,

of what one wonts..... so much for that kind of compromise,

...noeleena...

[Cheryl T]

That's a demand, not a compromise and I would have to decline.
Since I came out to her and she's been so accepting if she changed her mind then I would have to make changes myself.