Inna
05-18-2013, 03:59 PM
I often write about womanhood as supposed to transwomanhood. I do it deliberately as I truly am a woman, not only in my own perception of realm, but as well, all others who know me and express their own take on who I am to them.
However, I want to clarify one very essential aspect of how I was able to get to this point in my life. The most crucial and essential ingredient was an act of DIVORCE, but it wasn’t the divorce most of us think of when discussing transitioning. No, it was a divorce of one self!
Self surrounded by deceit, abnormality, daily struggle to make life seemingly NORMAL, yet unable to hold on to normalcy beyond one single breath.
When I had come to the reckoning of my first life, I realized that other then memories of my past, I truly didn’t want the packaged burden of preconceived notion of false gender tagging along like an unwanted link.
I have severed the cord, I was no longer amidst regret, but free to grow, to finally see the world I always yearned, to grow from a little girl, into a woman with newly developing experience of days to come.
When I started, I found my self, as a child, innocent and lost in a vast world of eager dynamic, rushing by like a mountain stream. I wanted to smell the flowers for the first time, to learn how to be a member of the proverbial society for the first time, everything seemed as though I am experiencing it for the first time.
One thing which was present, unlike before, was overwhelming spirituality within each and every cell of my ever so changing body and mind.
The only constant was my genderless soul, same as it ever was, that part of me was true, loving, and pure.
What I did by separating my gender from the experience of the past was inevitably necessary for who I am now!
Not that such pursuit is a prescription for happiness for everyone, as it taxed heavily on my survival and often endangered my life, getting awfully close to the suicide only several steps away.
Yet, I have prevailed, to grow into a wholesome young woman I am today.
By this entry I want to, at least in smallest measure, allow this idea as a possibility to those who seek absolute of womanhood, who see no other possibility but to become entirely and completely saturated by female gender without asuming that they are sentenced to transness forever.
However, I want to clarify one very essential aspect of how I was able to get to this point in my life. The most crucial and essential ingredient was an act of DIVORCE, but it wasn’t the divorce most of us think of when discussing transitioning. No, it was a divorce of one self!
Self surrounded by deceit, abnormality, daily struggle to make life seemingly NORMAL, yet unable to hold on to normalcy beyond one single breath.
When I had come to the reckoning of my first life, I realized that other then memories of my past, I truly didn’t want the packaged burden of preconceived notion of false gender tagging along like an unwanted link.
I have severed the cord, I was no longer amidst regret, but free to grow, to finally see the world I always yearned, to grow from a little girl, into a woman with newly developing experience of days to come.
When I started, I found my self, as a child, innocent and lost in a vast world of eager dynamic, rushing by like a mountain stream. I wanted to smell the flowers for the first time, to learn how to be a member of the proverbial society for the first time, everything seemed as though I am experiencing it for the first time.
One thing which was present, unlike before, was overwhelming spirituality within each and every cell of my ever so changing body and mind.
The only constant was my genderless soul, same as it ever was, that part of me was true, loving, and pure.
What I did by separating my gender from the experience of the past was inevitably necessary for who I am now!
Not that such pursuit is a prescription for happiness for everyone, as it taxed heavily on my survival and often endangered my life, getting awfully close to the suicide only several steps away.
Yet, I have prevailed, to grow into a wholesome young woman I am today.
By this entry I want to, at least in smallest measure, allow this idea as a possibility to those who seek absolute of womanhood, who see no other possibility but to become entirely and completely saturated by female gender without asuming that they are sentenced to transness forever.