A lesson learned

[DonnaG]

Ten years ago I came out to my sister. My wife had recently died and I had suffered conjestive heart failure. I was in a very bad place and my only relief was my dressing. A younger sister had become a true crutch for me and I decided to tell her about Donna. Everything went very well and we became a couple of girl friends. We both decided to retire and move South. So I sold my house, paid off close to ten grand in debts that my sister owed and moved to NC. When we got here I bought a house for myself and arranged for a mortgage for sis. Over the years I have become my sisters private bank. When I finally pulled the money plug the first thing I heard was "why don't you go home get into your prom dress and count all your money you pervert". I'm stunned and lost. I thought we were friends, sisters even... She hid her contempt for so long so well.

[Kalista Jameson]

Donna,

That has got to sting. I'm sorry to hear how things ended up with you both. It's not much help, but from what you've shared, the issues are all with her and don't reflect on you. You sound like a very supportive and generous person with your family, and that is to your credit. It's a shame she could not see that. But try not to let the bitterness and sense of betrayal rob you of the joy you should have for being a good person. Just keep being you no matter what.

Cheers,

Kalista

[GaleWarning]

You don't say why you pulled the plug on the money.
If she feels your actions are unjustified, then I can understand her raw emotion.
Generosity of spirit (and money, if you can afford it) towards your sister is the price of her support.
Perhaps you should re-examine the situation.
At the very least, I think the two of you ought to talk about finances, so that each one better understands where the other is coming from, and going to.

[heatherdress]

Sorry Donna. Seems like your sister was very positive for you (your crutch) but took advantage of your generosity. Maybe you both could benefit from some help - maybe a therapist could help. Good luck and I hope you stay healthy.

[mikiSJ]

Clayfish


Generosity of spirit (and money, if you can afford it) towards your sister is the price of her support.

Apparently, there is no support, as in calling Donna a "pervert" and from Donna's current perspective, there never was.

Donna

I am so sorry you had to find out in such a distasteful way.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Donna,

I don't believe your sister has contemt for you , people say things in the heat of the moment, that they latter regret, you use terms like "money bank", paying off her debt. You both made mistakes in your relationship around money, that has come to a head. It sounds like she has problems handeling money and you assumed a role of provider for her , now you are pulling back for whatever reasons, and she sees her source of income evaporating. She may be in a bit of a panic, and sh reacted with "words". Try to find a way to mend fences . I've been where you are with regards to family members who cannot handle their own finances, my solution is to provide only for what I can, within reason, and i never loan money, i give it to them and ask then to 'pay it forward".

A friend is worth more then money

Kelly

[Alice Torn]

I am very saddened by your story. My older sister recently "teed off" on me. She kicked me hard in my right side, when i could not understand her handicapped speech. She has bottled up contempt, and despises me, too. She is 65, still working, won't retire, and let a needy younger person have her job of 35 years, and help my 92 yo dad more. I empathize with you. My sister is single, no friends, and depends on me too much. I can't live her life for her, nor understand her speech. I hope your situation, and mine, with sisters, was a heat of the moment thing, but, the heat brings out the true feelings, sad to say. It sounds like we both have co-dependency issues.

[Jean 103]

Money could be at the root of the problem. The move may be the problem. There is not enough information and I am not asking for more. When you move, your starting over and it can be hard for some people. I have done it a few times, at first it can be new at exciting , but after a while you could feel left out. Give her time to cool down and think about it. Your new life just may not be for her.

[Courtney . J]

your sis is just mad that you probably look better in that prom dress than she would ! :devil:


regardless of what caused the emotions to come out ,. the emotions are there and have always been there with her , now you know what she really thinks its time for you to move on and make some changes

just my honest opinion ,. best of luck to you

[Beverley Sims]

Donna, unfortunately trust gets betrayed very easily.
Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people.
I do feel for you in this situation.

[Jessica Who]

Don't know if this is the case, but sometimes we as humans get nasty with our words even though we may not truly mean what we have said. Being so close, you each probably know what buttons to push .. sorry to hear :(

[docrobbysherry]

Unhealthy co-dependency involving money between friends, relatives, and spouses is VERY COMMON!

Be very careful "spoiling" anyone with your generosity. U should have written paperwork that indicates to everyone what is expected by each party in the "arrangement".

[mary something]

If it was in the heat of the moment just try to put it past you as sometimes people do try to push buttons, maybe she was just trying to hurt you because of the money issue? As another poster said money can bring out the worst in people. Forgive but don't forget. Sorry it happened :(

[Alexis.j]

People never stop amazing me.... its so typical when there is money involved, I've seen it with friends, family and even had it happen to me. One would never know how someone will react, until you actually stop giving.
You get two types of people, the first actually sees you coming, and takes full advantage, and the other starts out innocently, but gets used to the comfort, and if you stop a supplying, a evil gremlin appears.

Thats why I try not lending money to friends or family.

Sorry to hear about your bad encounter. ..

[Tracii G]

Sorry to hear of all the trouble you are having with your sister give her time to cool off and maybe you can mend your relationship.
I never lend money I always just give it and if I get paid back thats fine if not its not worth losing a friend or family member.
Some will ride the gravy train and when the train stops they get mad about it.
I had a brother in law like that. I said get a job and keep it more than a week then maybe you will have some money.
He would forget all the good things I did for him and remembered the times I wouldn't bail him out of jail.

[Michelle (Oz)]

When I finally pulled the money plug the first thing I heard was "why don't you go home get into your prom dress and count all your money you pervert". I'm stunned and lost. I thought we were friends, sisters even... She hid her contempt for so long so well.

I had a wife like that. Thought she was that rare bread, "supportive SO". Not that I pulled the plug on the money, she just spent it all. Then she left me "for a real man". Yes it hurt very deeply - and that didn't stop her going after whatever little money I had left.

[Alison1842]

Helping some one else with debts does not work. Only way it works is if you help them by helping them find work. Otherwise they still don't understand the value present in money.

Personally i will never give money to anyone, solid objects, yep, help them when there stuck, hell yes. But a blank cheque never helps!

[Cheryl T]

Think of it this way...
It wasn't contempt for you, it was love for your money and generosity.

Be thankful you found out before you gave her everything.

[Mollyanne]

Hi Donna, I'm going to go out on a limb here but I feel that without knowing all the facts and from what you wrote I think you are not only justified but that you were used!!!!!! I support your decision to "pull the plug" and "shut the bank". If indeed your sister has harbored all these ill feelings about you because you dress then maybe you should just let her be until she comes to her sense and comes to you with a apology.

Molly

[stephNE]

I am sorry Donna. Unfortunately, sooner or later all people show their true colors. Look at it as an event that gives you the truth and sets you free. I hope all things in your life will be better now.

[ronny0]

IMO.....
Your sister has the same problem as a lot of people.
Once they get help, they depend / expect / demand that it go on forever.
Everyone has had a bump in the road now and then.
Yet many expect others to care for them while they stop putting forth the effort to help themselves.

[5150 Girl]

I doubt she really has a problem with your dressing, I think she was just mad, and grabbing at the easiest/ most obvious angle of assault. People do that "in the heat of the moment"

[Stephanie47]

I've found over the years that friends and relatives will 'suck up' to someone, if there is something in it for him or her. They will use acceptance and generosity to their advantage. When the tap is shut off, then they'll kick you to the curb. What she called you may be a calculated slur to hurt you. But, I suspect this was her true feeling over the years.

[GaleWarning]

This is not the first thread where I have found myself coming at the problem from an angle which differs greatly from most of the contributors. Once again, too many of us are quick to condemn the sister who seems unaccepting, and to judge her motives from our perspective.

I am not interested in the sister's actions. It is Donna who needs to consider what (s)he is going to do about this problem. Again, I have no idea what caused Donna to withdraw financial support. All I know is this; Donna can review the situation and decide that the decision was a wise one (for whatever reasons) ... or Donna can decide to reinstate the financial support.

Generosity is a virtue which has great rewards for the benefactor. Meanness of spirit weakens the miser.

The kindest thing a relative can do for a member of their own family is to look after them when they are needy, for as long as they are needy. The day will come when each one of us will experience a time of need. That is when we will reap the just reward of our own generosity (or lack thereof).

[EllieOPKS]

How about turning the table? Call your sis and ask for something from her whether it be money, a service like your lawn mowed, watching your pet, etc. It would be interesting to see how she reacts as a giver instead of a taker. I had a brother in law that was a total leach. After giving him money, I knew every time my phone rang with his caller ID what he wanted. I finally told him he could earn 50 bucks by mowing and trimming my lawn. He never showed up so I left him a message that he owed me 50 bucks because I had to get someone else to come do my yard. That pretty much put an end to his leaching.

[JamieTG]

Its hard to find out you have been used for your money. Especially when its a wife or family member. Its fine to help someone with a loan to help them get back on their feet but giving someone free money makes them spoiled and lazy. They are never satisfied and always want you to do more. I learned the hard way with my ex wife.

[Nicole Erin]

I have an older sister who is starting to get weird and of course money is the reason. Lately she is wanting to take advantage of family members so she can avoid spending money. Couple of long stories really. I kind of quit associating cause I decided not to be taken advantage of.


...I had a brother in law like that. I said get a job and keep it more than a week then maybe you will have some money. He would forget all the good things I did for him and remembered the times I wouldn't bail him out of jail.

Well Tracii, probably cause your brother in law was INNOCENT all the times he got picked up by the boys in blue. I mean a money-leeching job hopping brother in law is not the type of person to aggravate the legal system. What were you thinking?

[Rogina B]

I am with Clayfish in her replies..and,I'll add..It is only money..can't take it with you!

[Julie Gaum]

For what it's worth I strongly side with Kalista, Miki, Cheryl and the other posts that "the truth will out". "Heat of the moment"? Don't have to know the sister's reasons to know they were selfish based on Donna's record of paying for most everything. No, she had hid her feelings well to not upset the money cart. People will say nasty things to lash back and hurt but what she said HAD to be festering for years.
Walk foreward and never look back for one never selects relatives, only friends.
Yeah, I know " the meek will inherit the earth" but not the patsies.
Julie

[Juliea661]

Donna, sorry that you got hurt, that is unfortunate. Obviously your sister has her own issues that are probably much bigger than anything associated with you. For reasons you may never know she was hurtful to you. But take the high ground. Don't hold any bitterness, on the contray, if the opportunity presents, reach out to your sister with love. I bet she is hurting in ways you don't even know.
Sending you good wishes!
Hugs, Jules

[MissTee]

Ten years of history together is a long time. I'm sure there's more details to the story, and hopefully the OP will come back and share those.

[Ceri Anne]

I have a brother in a somewhat similar situation (money wise). I could be wrong, but I don't think her comments have anything to do with her acceptance of your crossdressing. I think it was a lash out due to the reliance she had grown to of your support. Give it some time, and let her learn to fend for herself. Sometimes in life we have to be more mature and take more than we should be expected to from family, but understand, it is her feelings of inadequacy, and I don't think is her feelings of actual resentment to you that are behind this. She had gotten comfortable and now the table turned. She needs to grow up, but don't write her off yet. I'm support your reasonings to cut off the money though. It was getting between you and your sister, not your crossdressing.