Another dream realized...and a moral issue

[AmyGaleRT]

Sabrina saw the skirt I wore to the GIC earlier, a pink pleated georgette skirt I'd bought at Walmart, and was insanely jealous. I was sure I'd still seen it in the stores, so she and I fulfilled one more of my dreams...we went shopping together, as Amy and Sabrina. We checked two Walmarts, and found the skirts at the second one. She got a black one and a pink floral print one, and a few other things along the way. I think now she's convinced that I can handle myself in the real world as Amy. And I feel like I can; I'm not afraid anymore.

On the way back, she had me stop at a supermarket to fetch her a bowl of cantaloupe. As I came out of the store, a young black woman carrying a red gas can approached me, crying. "Ma'am, can you help me?" she said, telling me that she'd been abused by her boyfriend, pointing to a burn mark on her arm. She explained she was trying to get enough gas to get to Thornton (in the north metro area) and stay with friends there. Of course, I asked if she'd called the police. She explained, "I can't go to the police, he's got my kid!" With nothing else I could really do, I gave her $5, which should get her enough gas to get there, or, at the very least, farther away from that abusive boyfriend. "I'm so sorry," I said, as I got into the car where Sabrina was waiting.

Now, I believe, from how I was treated, that she saw me exactly as what I presented as: a woman who might be sympathetic to her plight. She certainly didn't treat me as if I were actually a man under the clothes, makeup, and jewelry. Yet, hearing her and seeing the evidence of her abuse, I felt, inwardly, ashamed to be a genetic male...ashamed that someone of my birth gender would do such a thing. Real men do not hit women, or burn them, or abuse them...period! I believe it as a male and I believe it just as firmly as Amy. I may be a woman only by presentation, but I did sympathize with her.

So I got "ma'amed" this evening...but it's not the kind of "ma'am" I would have sought out. Nor is it one I will soon forget.

- Amy

[Beverley Sims]

Amy,
It is nice to see that you were seen as a nice soft person that could support someone.
You should not feel ashamed of your male side, look at all the softies here that can appreciate violence in marriage.
It goes the other way too, there are a lot of bitchy women out there as well.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Amy.

In a few of my posts letters here & on other forums concerning men & in how ...we ...are treated by many men. i know you & i dont have the full story yet it sound 's very much about what i know has & takes place . & from the many women i know and our womens forum im a member of .

Iv been in the fireing line between a woman & a man to keep them seperated, till our Police came to take him away. , what i see is men useing abuse & thier strength to get thier way. or what they wont,

Just be carefull & take care,

So seeing this from the other side youll get a view that you may not like , its not nice is it,

As to ma'med yes two sides this time & not the pleasent one another day hopefully it'll be better,

...noeleena...

[suzy1]

Most men are decent, most people are decent and it’s just the few that are like that thank God.

The mere thought of hitting a woman [or anyone] is abhorrent to most of us.

[Mollyanne]

Hi Amy, good for you, FOR SHOWING COMPASSION AND CONCERN!!!!!!

Molly

[Laura912]

Glad she saw you as a possible help. However. Asking for a small amount of money to buy gas is a very common scam in our area. One guy pulled it at our house twice and then by mistake tried to hit me up in the parking lot where I work and in a shopping center parking lot. Most recently it was for a lawn mower to finish mowing. But he was asking in a neighborhood that has lawn services. Don't mean to be the rain cloud. And it was just $5 but maybe your shame and guilt were from the scam.

[sandra-leigh]

Umm... sounds very much like one of the classic scams. I've been hit up with very similar three times. The most recent time, the woman "just needs enough money to get the (city) bus" to an intersection at the edge of town where she'd had to leave her car and hitchhike to downtown when it ran out of gas... except she asked for 4 times the bus fare, and I knew the bus had stopped running there hours ago and there is a gas station at the intersection she named, and when I offered her a local bus ticket she was a bit put-out and asked for taxi money because she'd left her child in the car hours ago... and when I wouldn't give money she didn't want the bus ticket after all...

[dawnmarrie1961]

Amy, I'm sorry but she didn't see you as anything but a "mark". You just got scammed for money. I've seen this done before. A crack, or meth ,head trying to put together some cash for a quick fix so she can get high. You'd be surprised to know that she probably burned herself with a cigarette in order to appear more convincing.
These are the types you will always see working the parking lots of big department stores because of the enormous amount of people that frequent there. More chances to score some cash.
I'm sorry to have to have told you this.
If you want confirmation go back to the store sometime you will no doubt see her out there again and again and til she gets scared away by the cops, which is why she didn't want you calling them.
Don't feel too foolish. They can appear and sound very real. Tears and everything. They could win an Oscar for how good they act!

[Angela Campbell]

That is definately a scam. I have seen it here in FL too. They do not use the money for gas.

[Ms. Laura]

It probably was a scam, but scam or no scam, she's still down and out, desperate enough to try and scam, for whatever reason and you helped out of kindness. I also doubt that she would have hit up a CD if she had noticed from the get go unless CDs are easy marks.

[sandra-leigh]

Call a cross-dresser "Ma'm" and Yes, they do become easier marks. Appeal to them as "one female to another" and defenses go way down.

[Julie Denier]

Gotta say I've been hit up on a few variations of this scam as well. But still, shows you have a good heart. I know I wouldn't be ashamed to be a man - that kind of behavior is the exception, not the rule, and to borrow from Don Corleone, any man who acts like that can never be a real man.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Something about her story didn't ring quite right... if she was fleeing from her boyfriend after being beaten, why would she not bring her child with her? Why would a mother leave her child behind in the hands of an insane man? Wouldn't a mother take her child with her??

She probably used the money for drugs... sad to say. You can't give people the benefit of the doubt in this day and age, sadly.

[Deedee Skyblue]

I'm on the scam side of this issue. The variation I see most often is guys who hang around the Boston train station and tell people they have been offered a bed at a drug rehab center in Worcester but they don't have enough money to buy the ticket. So if you don't spring, they will end up not being rehabbed and probably go back to being drugged. If this woman doesn't fill her gas can, she will go back to being abused. There's the guilt - it's YOUR fault for not being generous.

What I don't agree with is that she is necessarily desperate. She doesn't want this money for food or her baby or to escape her husband; she wants or needs the next fix. I'm not saying she might not be abused, though, but I think given the story and the location, it is highly unlikely.

You are a warm-hearted person, Amy. There is no reason to feel guilty about being male - there is no single bond of common behavior that links all males together; we don't all act the same way (look at us!), and just because there are evil males, that doesn't mean that either we are all of us evil or that any one of us is responsible for another's evil.

Deedee

[Jenniferathome]

Amy, i'd like to offer another possibility: she was simply begging. I know that reads as very jaded, but people who want money for free will do anything and say anything. That "abuse mark"? How about an old scar? Frankly, anyone denying help from police when their child is as stake is a con.

Now, on the off chance that someone really does need help, I will never, ever, give cash. I do, however, always offer food or a phone. What I find really interesting is that 100% of the time that I offer food to someone who claims to need cash for food, they say no. 100% of the time.

[Barbra P]

I too think it was a scam. I’ve had the same woman approach my Wife and me on three different occasions in the parking lot of a local supermarket. She has run out of gas and has to get her elderly mother home, they only have one car so her husband has no way to come to her aid so could we give her enough money to buy some gas. Actually she approached us a fourth time in a different parking lot and when I called her on it and said I was going to call the Sheriff she broke into some very vile profanity before heading across the parking lot. We have since seen her approaching us again but she apparently recognized us or our truck because she immediately took off away from us into the parking lot. In each of the encounters we were parked in the handicapped parking close to the front of the store, I suspect she thinks people who park in the handicapped parking are easy marks.

San Diego is home to a large contingent of homeless people and it is fairly common to be approached in the parking lots with all sorts of hard-luck stories and a plea for money. Another frequent ploy is offering something for sale at a fraction of its worth, many times in the original packaging with the price tag still attached. Look around and you can usually spot the store the merchandise was shop-lifted from. I’ve pointed out shop-lifters to store personnel on several occasions and have been subsequently followed to my vehicle after leaving the store. I find that if I take out my cell phone and take their picture they stop their tirade and flee.

A cell phone can be your best friend on these occasions. I tell my Daughter that if some one approaches her car she should immediately take out her cell phone and take their picture and if possible take a picture of their car’s license and then tell the person she is dialing 911.

[Stephanie47]

Amy, you go scammed. The gas can was a prop. I see it all the time. I've been approached by the same beggars at different times with the same ploy. Beggars are not dumb. They develop their ploy. They know to ask for an amount a person may be willing to part with. They develop a plausible story. They know how to make you feel guilty if you do not give them $$$.

My recommendation when hit up is to direct them to social services. One time my wife was hit up at a bus stop for $$$ because he was hungry. She offered to buy him a sandwich at a Subway right at the bus stop. To go inside with him and pay for it. Wat did he do? He fessed up he really wanted the money for booze.

What do I do? I got into the store and tell a manager there are beggars accosting their customers in the parking lot.

[AlissaMurray]

I drove a truck for a time in my life and saw more than my share of scams. I did what I could for them all within reason. I know I am out a little cash for my efforts but I'm sure I helped a few as well. I remember one hot afternoon, a young man approached my rig as I sat there doing paperwork, he tapped on my door and told me this story of how he was headed to see his mom and was down to less than 100 miles to hike but he was broke and really hungry. I gave that young man a $20 and sent him into BK and asked that he bring back my change. As I watched him walk into the truckstop from my vantage point in the seat I fully expected to never see him again, and I was OK with that as I had a lucky night at a New Mexico Casino. To my surprise the young man returned after 5 minutes with his bag of food and my change. I told him to keep it and I wished him luck in his travels. If I had been going in the right direction, I'd have given him a ride to his mom.

I guess what I am saying is YES most are scam artists, I have plenty of those stories too. But once in a while we do actually get a chance to make a difference.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Amy and I have had many private talks. Her original gesture again proves to me she has a very loving and warm heart. I'm sorry my friend may have been scammed and betrayed.

Cheryl

[celeste26]

As for just how many men are violent, lets just say that there is a culture of violence out there where the guys get approval from their peers. 26,000 rapes of our own women in our military and that is with the supposed discipline the military offers. Compared with every other western country's military, we are the worst.

[vikki2020]

I'd say scam also, but, you never know. There are some legitimate needs out there. I have been approached with the can of gas too--- how many people do you know that actually have a gas can in their car? In Chicago, every major intersection is over run with "homeless", or "Disabled Vet" --people that walk the line of cars, asking for money. Some of them have had their "corner" for years! 99% of them are total scammers--and watch for the exaggerated "limp"! But----if you watch them, they make a pretty good buck--if they get $1 at 75% of the light sequences, they make about $40 an hour. I don't get it--especially people that give money,to a young, healthy, male. I have to say that if he can be out there, walking up and down all day, he can get a job!

[AmyGaleRT]

Oh, good heavens. Some people will do anything for a few bucks, won't they?

I wonder if I would have fallen for this while in male mode? If not, I've made a discovery that was easily worth the $5 it cost me: I'm more inclined to be sympathetic to someone's plight as Amy and hence easier to scam while in this mode. And this is something I'm going to have to be much more on guard against in the future.

(Also, I'm more likely to be carrying cash as Amy, for the simple reason that I'm not inclined to hand over an ATM or credit card with a male name on it. This provides an extra incentive to do something about this...)

- Amy

[CynthiaD]

Glad she saw you as a possible help. However. Asking for a small amount of money to buy gas is a very common scam in our area. One guy pulled it at our house twice and then by mistake tried to hit me up in the parking lot where I work and in a shopping center parking lot. Most recently it was for a lawn mower to finish mowing. But he was asking in a neighborhood that has lawn services. Don't mean to be the rain cloud. And it was just $5 but maybe your shame and guilt were from the scam.

Sometimes it's a scam and sometimes it isn't. There's one couple in my area that goes around to local churches asking for gas money to take their son to the doctor in a distant city. The husband waits in the car and sends his wife in. She claims that he beats her if she doesn't come back with something. We always give her something. She swears she's going to pay us back, but never does. Yes, it's probably a scam. We've discussed it and have decided to give her the money anyway. I would rather be played for a sucker than decline to help someone who is in need. As long as it's a small amount of money, what does it hurt?

[Deedee Skyblue]

Amy, I was talking about people who approach you for money once with a GG friend, and she said she would never do so - because as you locate your wallet, you are telling that person where you carry your money, thus making you more vulnerable to a snatch and run.

I give money to people occasionally, if they don't approach me with a story. When they do approach me with a story, the widespread use of ATM cards always gives me an excuse - "Sorry, I don't carry cash anymore."

As to what harm it creates to give someone money to prevent someone else from abusing her - if she really is being abused, he will find some other reason to abuse her again, and you are enabling him. Call 911 and tell the police the story they told you. If he really is an abuser, he should be arrested.

Deedee

[jessicapaige]

I agree that it was probably a scam... and I don't see bad behavior as gender specific. I guess male to female violence might be a little more common because, lets face it, men have more physical strength. But other types of mistreatment go both ways pretty evenly.

[Leah Lynn]

Amy, it's an old scam. I had so many people try it on me when I was running to Chicago every other day. They think truckers are made of money. Next time it happens, to anyone here, pull out the phone and watch them run. At least she was inventive enough to use a prop.

Leah

[BillieJoEllen]

A few years ago I saw a scruffy looking man holding up a sign saying he was homeless and hasn't eaten for a few days. When I offered to buy him a sandwich he said, "thanks but I'm not hungry right now."

Another time when I was visiting a friend in Michigan a fellow approached me and asked if I could give him some money for gas so that he could get home. I asked wher his car was and he pointed to an old clunker. I said, "drive it up to the pump and I'll put some gas in it for you." He told me that it was completely out of gas so I offered to help him push it up the pump. He told me, "no, I'll go ask some one else."

I'm with those that think this was a scam.

[AmyGaleRT]

The consensus seems to be that it was a scam...and Sabrina's own observations (she was sitting out in the car the whole time, and had a clear view of my encounter) would appear to confirm it. (For one thing, why didn't this woman approach her?)

I should be thankful the lesson was so cheap. And I will offer it in turn to my sisters, so that they may learn from my mistake: The "pink fog" can do more than just make you want to buy more clothes and possibly annoy your SO; it can seriously impair your judgement in other ways if you're not careful. It's even possible that I was read almost at once and this woman deliberately exploited the pink fog by "ma'aming" me at the outset.

Of course, this in no way diminishes my feelings about men abusing women in general. And the ploy was designed to take advantage of that, too.

So: It was a setback. Not the type of setback I expected to have, but still. All I can do is learn from it and keep from getting hooked next time.

- Amy

[Tracii G]

Having been a trucker for over 40 years I have seen just about every scam out there and I think this one was a scam.
Same MO as many others beaten woman running from a jerk of a man.
I did have one guy ask for money in Keyser's Ridge Maryland at a truck stop he said he was hungry and needed a shower and if I would give him enough to cover the meal and shower he would be grateful for the help.
I gave him 20 dollars and he said the showers were $5.00 and the meal should be about $7.00 and if I ate with him he would give me the change back.
We had dinner and he had his shower and I paid for it he tried to give me the twenty back but I said keep it you truly need it.
He shook my hand and said you are a fine person thank you very much.
By looking at him he looked a broke trucker and I felt it was my duty to help a brother out.
When you live your life out on the road you will see just about everything.

[Ceri Anne]

Scam or no scam, I would rather take what I have been blessed with and help someone not in need then to deny help to someone who was in need. Many people would scam to get money, I don't think there are as many who would harm themselves for it. By her hysteria, I would be inclined to believe her.

Anyway, that's not the point of Amy's post. I think most decent people, male or female would feel as you did about someone abused by another. There are just bad people in the world and we have to do what we can to help those victimized by them. As for her calling you Ma'am, you present well Amy, but in her sence of desperation, I don't think she was paying that close of attention.

[Barbra P]

A good number of years ago I spent ten years in law enforcement and most of the public would be surprised at the number of radio calls that police units get that involve domestic violence. They would be even more surprised at the few arrests made during such calls. Many states now have Domestic Violence Laws on the books where the abused party (it is not always the woman who is the abused) does not have to sign a complaint. In many states if the office can see any sign of abuse, red marks, bruises, scratches, etc he has to make an arrest regardless of whether the abused wants to press charges.

These DV laws really assist the police and in many cases prevent additional call-backs to the same address during the same night. However the vast majority, I’ve seen statistics that show over 90%, of the women will welcome the man back and the cycle starts all over again. Sometimes the women will so injured that the man can be charged with a crime that will put him away for years but more often the woman eventually dies.

While abuse may involved in some of these scams most are centered around getting enough money to buy alcohol and or drugs, drugs having become much more prevalent than alcohol these days than when I was riding around in a black & white. Unfortunately one thing that is almost a certainty if drugs are involved, and I bet they are, the magnitude of the crime will escalate in time as well as the violence involved. I know that is a pessimistic outlook but it is the reality of life today and it’s no longer just life in the slums and big city it has spread throughout our culture and society.

I never give money to the man or woman standing on the center medium at an intersection holding up a sign. My Wife has offered to buy a meal when someone has approached us asking for money, only once did a man take her up on the offer, most utter an expletive and walk away.

Local law enforcement departments periodically run TV and radio campaigns telling the public not to donate to panhandlers but to direct them to charitable organizations that can help and assist the truly needy. By giving them money you are helping to keep them on the streets and away from the help available and the assistance they need. As for the others you are aiding and abetting their drug habits.