CDing...A Personal Experience

[Carlene]

I don't know what this is or how it began. I don't know why the pull is so strong or why it feels so right. I don't know why my emotions are now so close to the surface or why......and so on.

I do know one thing, this is a personal experience and a path I seem only able to travel alone. For me, I suppose this isn't a hobby, but rather, a seeking of who I am. It seems so foolish to me, at this stage in my life, to be wondering who I am, for if it is not who I thought, what a calamity of errors I have made.

I have no regret about marriage or having children. Both of these choices have given me great joy, but I do have regret about the inner self I built because I thought that was what a man should be.

There is so much that could be said but would be boring to you all. I do want to thank you though, for being here and helping each other. I can't imagine going through this without you.

Carlene.....:daydreaming:

[ArleneRaquel]

Carlene,
Thank you post sharing your thoughts. HUGZ a Bunch !

[Jean 103]

Why in deed. For me it is late in life to be on this path, but here I am. Thank you for your posting, it helps to know that you’re not alone.

[I Am Paula]

After a lifetime of,crossdressing, denial, unhappiness, etc. I decided to start transition at 54, after marriage, career, family, the works. I don't know your age or plans, but beginning the search for happiness can never come too late.
I hope you find who you are by whatever means works for you. Peace.

[Jean 103]

Thank you, I am 56 and in good health. This is all still very new and ? to me.

[suzy1]

I think you make a good point when you talk about not going through it alone Carlene.
To come here and find out that we are not alone or weird but have this side to our lives that we share with lots of others is a great help.

Thank you for posting this thread.

Suzy

[KellyJameson]

Beautiful piece of writing Carlene

You are not entirely responsible, if at all, for the calamity of errors you made.

Think of it as having been pushed onto a path early in life that may have given you certain pleasures but was not natural to the one you could most comfortably walk, the one best suited to you.

When this happens you shut down aspects of who you are and so in many ways do not live fully and most importantly freely as the expression of that person you are naturally meant to be.

This is the consequence of being born into a culture and society with its social norms and rules when there are certain sensitivities inside the individual that make conforming painful.

You used the word "should" and that is the word that points to the inner conflict.

It has been my experience that when I act how I think I should according to others than I am at risk of betraying my genuine self.

For myself I have always been at war with the word "should" because it has always threatened to turn me against myself resulting in my rejecting that which resides inside me that is vital to living my life.

What you are now doing is searching for that which has been rejected inside you because of the word "should".

So much of a persons life is spent in service to others that the person remains unborn in fundamental ways by that which is suppressed and denied so you move through life like a zombie missing that spark of life that comes from living as the complete expression of all that you are.

[Beverley Sims]

Carlene,
You have painted a very nice picture for me, in your writing.

[Rachelakld]

In life, things change and it would appear especially so after the family has grown up.
But that is one of lifes gifts and I'm glad you now have time to find your inner self

[Kandy Barr]

A beautiful expression of yourself, I totally relate to the turmoil of being who we are. I've let the woman in me free to express herself, but still I'm bound by social taboos. There are no easy paths for myself, so I have to enjoy being who I am and accept what comes with that. Thank you for sharing!