How i Identify

[Sephina]

Hey all Sephina here i am currently a 28 (29 in july) mtf pre transition atm :(, just kind of wondering what the consensus is with the trans community about how trans people identify. Im getting an overwhelming amount of people who despite their assigned birth sex who are pre transition or currently in process consider themselves their true gender. I howeverfeel like the opposite i feel like i was assigned male at birth, and while i do identify as a female inside. for the purposes of everyday life and society (to avoid headache mostly i suppose) i still identify as male if that makes sense to anyone? On the basis of perceived gender now aka i have a penis thus im a guy, if i like it or not. i know that most trans people feel like this is inaccurate but thats how i feel and will continue to feel until at least 1/2 way through transition to where im semi passable. any thoughts on this? how do you feel or identify?

[*Amelia*]

You bring up a hard question. For myself despite my assigned gender, I am working currently on how I really feel how I indentify. Are these guy thoughts or girls thoughts or just my thoughts? I'm having trouble telling the difference. I still present as my perceived gender, to as you said it avoid those life hassles. Due to recent events in my own life, I finally feel like I can start to integrate my fem self into day to day life. Much like one of my favorite albums of all time( the wall) I feel like I can start to tear it down and show my self as my inside, albeit one brick at a time.

[Sephina]

Amelia you and i seem to have alot in common girl! I am coming around and i am more and more comfortable adhering to more my female side then male most of my friends know and my roomate knows which helps i used to live with my parents and they knew but didnt except which was hard and i work with them too which makes my need to transition a much more difficult process, everyone else that knows me is accepting of it but my Dad and step mom whom i love both very dearly and consider her my birth mother, ive been working at Pepsi for 7 months now and they been there 8 years while its alot of stress relieved to be in my own apartment and dress up if i want and identify how i want whenever i want is nice. However i still dont really dress or act female yet as i do have an overly masculine apperance and i do have a self confidence issue with my appereance already. Im more comfortable with my female side but i sitll have alot of work to go so these forums definatly help

[*Amelia*]

I hear you on the living situation. Currently living with my parents(going through a divorce, cause unrelated to this) They don't know, but I think they might be okay with cding, but not with being Trans. I have always tried to act more masculine, I think as a result of me putting up a wall. Being the sensitive picked on kid for most of my life, I needed a barrier and presented tougher than I really am. I also have the self confidence thing, but I did get a great compliment from two of my gg friends tonight (lesbian couple) I sent them a pic of me dressed after we went shopping the prior week. My gig bestie has seen Me before, but her gf hadnt. "(Name omitted) says you look way better as a female than a male. This is meant to be a compliment" That made my week :) seriously though, once your account becomes unlocked pm me girlfriend :)

[Amy A]

Hi Sephina,

I'm probably at a similar stage to you and just a few years older. I've come out as trans and told everyone of my intention to start transitioning. I'm waiting for an appointment at the gender identity clinic in Leeds and once my hair is long enough and my brothers wedding is out of the way I'll be starting to live as a woman full time.

I think that although I feel like I am female, I won't fully be able to express that or completely self identify as female until I'm living it 24/7. You've got years of being male to unlearn, but it's just about relaxing and being yourself.

I think a lot of it is to do with confidence; I don't have anywhere near enough to just suddenly drop the act and be myself, I need to let it happen naturally and the more female my appearance becomes I'll hopefully be able to start living more as I want to. It's best to approach this whole thing at a pace that suits you.

Best if luck :)

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Sephina, welcome to the Transsexual Forums.

One of the reasons why I had to start transition was that I just could not identify myself with the male gender role any longer.

For the purpose of my working life, I had to pretend to identify with the male role until I started my transition, but that was making me both ill and (so I'm told) clinically depressed.

I did have periods when I was younger where I thought I could just go with the male role, but I was never a real success and somewhere inside I always knew that this was doomed to failure for me.

Amy is right that it is very important for you to approach this at the right pace for your particular circumstances and neither I nor anyone else here can tell you what that pace should be.

[Angela Campbell]

I never considered myself to be male. From as far back as my memories go I have thought of myself as a girl. I was forced to portray a male life. I never liked it, I always felt it was unfair to have to act and live up to the expectations of being a male. I was not all that good at it at all. I was expected to look like a male, act like a male, talk like a male, do male things, have a manly job, be a father, and never let anyone know different. The result was a life of a loner. I isolated myself almost completely. I would spend hours upon hours hiding from my family, trying to be alone. I never had any friends. Stayed home most times instead of doing things. Read a lot and kept to myself. No one ever knew me, not even those I was married to or even my children. All of my interests are things I can do alone. I have pretty much avoided life.

Once I finally started embracing this and stopped fighting it, I started making friends. True all of them are TG, but at least I am actually having a social life. Yeah transition is the only way I have found that will ever allow me to have a life.

[Marleena]

Hi Sephina. I identify with the forum I'm in now. Labels seem like a waste of time though. As long as you're happy and and there is no severe anxiety, depresssion or gender dysphoria you're fine. If being transgender does cause those issues for you seeing a gender therapist is usually suggested.

[mary something]

Just try to identify as you. If you have a therapist this would be a great topic to discuss, if not youtr should consider one. I found it helpful to avoid labels in order to get to know myself better. What really helped me was just getting out in the world and being me. The more experience you have the better you'll know what makes you happy and what doesn't. As long as you're just labeling yourself as "you" the label will ALWAYS fit.

[Angela Campbell]

I label myself as a lady.

[Inna]

HRT, with its powerful hormones does change mechanics of perception within as well as without. Your world will slowly morph into the world of female perspective, given enough time. For a young person such as your self, such changes will be faster coming then for a 50 year old. Your current stance is filtered through a testosterone rich neuro-environment soon though, such will become an estrogen driven cognitive association.
All in all, given enough time, you will no loner recognize your old ways and will become fully immersed in female aspect.

[DaniG]

mary something (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/member.php?105104-mary-something) said what I wanted to say, only better.

[Sephina]

I would like to add to this thread by stating that i do not like the term Transsexual personally to describe me as to me it denotes more of a sexual style or reference aka bisexual asexual pan-sexual yada yada so i do prefer the term transgender for myself (currently on a path towards transition) as for the previous reason stated above to me transgender denotes more of a gender style or reference. This is obviously not how many TS/TG people feel, which was the purpose of this thread. anyways like i said not complaining about anyone or anything just a re iteration of how i feel and why i posted this in the 1st place

[Asp]

Though I haven't had and therapies or treatments, I declare myself as female. Even go into the women's bathroom, and haven't been yelled at or told otherwise.

[Sephina]

well thats great i would probably get yelled at from my female co workers be like what the hell you doin? haha although joking aside most of my co workers do know that i am TS but im not sure many would appreciate me using the womens room

[Rianna Humble]

I have not been challenged once by another member of staff for using the correct bathrooms for my gender since I started my transition.

[groove67]

Sorry can not relate never felt like a man whatever that feels like always id as a woman in feelings tried to live the male life but could not continue to prenting to many years of that. Not sure where you are in trans but trust me if on hormones both blockers and female things will change.

[Sandra1746]

You will find a lot of friends here, and a good deal of conflicting opinions too.

I too have trouble identifying as 'transsexual', I prefer transgender instead. The Benjamin scale is quite old but it provides a model to identify that gives more resolution than the simple "gender binary". It is often necessary to "act" like a male to preserve a job and a relatively normal life. Some can't do that but I was able to "keep up the charade" long enough to retire in financial security. Poverty has no redeeming features and no medical care either.

Everyone makes their own decisions and chooses their own path, don't let some who are loud or strident influence you in a direction that won't work for you.

Good luck and welcome,
Sandra1746

[Donna Joanne]

Glad you joined us Stephia.

I had my first appointment with a therapist recently. She asked me "Who do you see when you look into the mirror?" I asked her what she meant. She said " Do you see Doug or do you see Donna? I'm not talking about hair or makeup, I'm talking about who's inside." I told her "I see Donna, I used to see Doug, but now I see Donna looking back at me." She then told me to look into her eyes. And after what seemed like an eternity of staring into my eyes she told me "Guess what? I see Donna too". I cried and laughed at the same time. I have had such peace since then. We are working with my wife's psychiatrist to see when I can reveal myself to her ( she has a myriad of psychological issues independent of this situation).

Praying for you as you continue your journey.

[SarahVA]

Donna...that is a wonderful perspective...looking into the mirror...I don't know what I am, LOL...but what yuo said resonates...I look in a mirror and no matter how dressed (and how much I look like a guy) I see Sarah!

[Ann Louise]

I'm still in drab (sort of!) at work, but while coming out to a coworker over a sandwich yesterday I blurted out "...when I used to be a guy...," and he said in response "wow! You're already there, aren't you!" to which I could only respond, "Yes, indeed I am!” That made my day!

[KellyJameson]

You can learn from others but you also can become confused by others.

There is massive amounts of insecurity in the T world that can suck a person into their sickness if you allow others to define you.

We are born without words and without words we do not have concepts so we are born without a social gender identity but in my opinion you are born with a biological gender identity that usually matches the persons body.

When it does not you are forced to adopt the social gender identity created for you even while you are being pulled to your innate gender identity which is the personal experience of self

Every moment of life you experience this dissonance between what you are and what the world tries to define you as.

Gender for me is a very Zen experience that lives beyond words and you find it by going into your essence and changing the body is a natural expression of this essence that like a theme in a story runs through your life.

I do not think in terms of changing my body to look like a woman but the changes I have made resulted in that because I was following what was the natural path for me.

Living life confirms for you what you are and what you are not as contrasted against others as the experience of this energy that lives inside you against theirs.

For me gender identity is not a conscious experience made up of words but trying to open my conscious to the experience of those deep parts of me that are not accessible consciously with words.

This is why I have found trying to understand "me" as my gender so infuriating over the years because you are trying to find something that cannot be found with words.

It was there before you had words and must be experienced in the "now"

Finding my lost gender was more a spiritual experience than a intellectual one and this gender was never really lost but I was taken from it by the world I was born into while this same world confirmed its existence.

The world separates you from yourself while reminding you of this self by seeing yourself in the gender of others.

It is an experience that can drive you into mental illness because you are constantly being told to believe a lie because of the physical form of your body.

No one means to lie to you, they are just reacting to what they see but what they see is not what you are. You also must transcend your own conscious mind where the intellect lives because that mind was created by the world and it may believe the same thing the world believes.

Your mind becomes split between the conscious "learned" identity and the subconscious "known" identity.

The known identity is the actual biological identity you were born with and meant to live.

Once you see how this identity has always been with you that is when you have made the subconscious "conscious" and you will be one step closer to healing this split in the mind.

You take that "knowing" that has always been there and make it "known" to the intellectual conscious mind.

You do this by unlearning the lie and accepting the truth that was there from the beginning.

It is important to understand that some transsexuals can harm you because they are at some point on the spectrum of healing and even post-op transsexuals can be dangerous if they transitioned without healing that split in their mind.

Physical transition does not guarantee this healing and I have several friends who are in just as much pain now as before their surgery.

For them the flavor of the pain has changed but not it's original source.

The body and mind must both be healed from the trauma.

The journey must be shared but it also must be walked alone otherwise you risk being poisoned by the pain of others and how they have been shaped by it.

One way to find it comes from following the path of sadness that you would have carried since childhood because not living your true self is much like experiencing a death that leaves you sad but in this instance it will be a sadness for yourself for that which has not been allowed to live.

[Sephina]

oh my own personal story is that from a young age I didn't really ever know I was a girl growing up I just felt out of place like I didn't know what was going on so all my life I have always conformed to the male identity that was just was and I really didn't know any better because I was raised as a boy and taught by society how I was supposed to behave. Growing up I had always liked dressing in girls clothes went through many "stages" so I rationalized, always being insecure I would purge my collection and pi k another back up going through Junior High and High School I had thought about GRS but everything I thought I knew about it which although wrong terrified me I didn't want to be an it essentially which is how I figured it. I didn't think that whatever I did I wouldnt ever be accepted as a female so I eventually settled that I guess I was stuck until last year when I finally found out and accepted this truth that I have been female all this time truing to pretend to be male. Know I have knowledge that I didn't have before also I have the benefit of having this and other wonderful avenues to conversate with many others I'm the community is a blessing even since I finally come to identify that I am trans I have continued to learn and be more knowledgeable everyday